When I first started teaching my mate Mad Mick told me "At a new job, the first person who talks to you is always an idiot."
Mick was wrong. The first person who talked to me was an utter fuckwit.
How so? Well, the fuckwit complains. I mean, he really complains. Moans, whines and whinges, too. Everything is rotten, and there is nothing in the world he can't do better. Iraq, ABS braking, crop rotation, royal tennis - his way is the only way. It doesn't matter he couldn't possibly know anything about a subject. "The space shuttle? Idiots! Why don't they use unleaded?"
The other day he ordered a pizza for lunch. "Fuck me, what a rip-off. I ordered seafood, but half of this fucking wog-wheel is prawns and fish bits!" We all laughed AT him and took the piss, but he didn't seem to notice. He never does. He just sits there oblivious to our derision; smiling, nodding and laughing at whatever it is going on in his head. I think he is mad.
He's an ignorant racist, too. "Fucken rag-heads! I wish they'd all fuck off back to the synagogue." What a moron! Everyone knows Moslems pray in a Mosk.
Aaand, he is the best teacher. EVER! Just ask him. "I am the best teacher," will be his unambiguous reply. Seriously, he says that. Even if he was, which he's not, do you think a smart person would actually say that? Not just that, either. He often advises new kids they should ask for him when it comes time for the advanced subjects. "The other teachers aren't as qualified as me." It has never occurred to him he only ever teaches the basic subjects. The boss won't let him within cooey of anything difficult.
My Friday class was naming the teachers they don't like. "Best not go there," I said, heading them off before they started shit-canning staff members. They still got one in, though. "Utter Fuckwit, Tony, he's a nightmare."
I nearly told them off.
They still got one in, though. "Utter-Fuckwit-Tony, he's a nightmare."
Posted by: Francis Xavier Holden | 29 August 2005 at 17:41
Sounds like he could do with a couple of lessons teaching Ag with the 'special' kids. I've found the most effective defence against arsewits like this is to beat them senseless.
Works a treat.
Posted by: CB | 29 August 2005 at 17:46
The boss won't let him within cooey of anything difficult.
Like spelling.
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 29 August 2005 at 19:03
What spelling?
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 19:23
Cooey? Phooey! It's vernakularish.
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 19:41
Oh. And by the way, FX. You are too, too kind. Thank you very little.
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 20:23
Don't mention it. The pressure is all mine.
Posted by: Francis Xavier Holden | 29 August 2005 at 20:33
I'm welcome.
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 21:06
I used to work with a fuck-wit of similar caliber. We had great fun agreeing with him and adding more preposterous claims, most of which he eventually absorbed into his world view and claimed as the products of his own genius.
The last I heard, he is no longer employed at the lab, but spends his time wandering the library stacks, muttering to himself and trying to prove that Jesus's spaceships are on their way.
I guess it wasn't very nice of us to fuck with the head of a schizo, but damn, it was fun.
Posted by: Dr. E. Scientist, phD. | 29 August 2005 at 22:12
Not that I'm suggesting that your students take a similar approach, mind.
But if they did, and were to capture it on video, I'd be willing to pay a few bucks to watch it...
Posted by: Dr. E. Scientist, phD. | 29 August 2005 at 22:14
now that we are sharing and bonding - did you go see The Specials or the Two-Tone show or whatever it was last week?
Posted by: Francis Xavier Holden | 29 August 2005 at 22:34
This bloke's quirks wouldn't be a mere tape. They would be a big budget, wide-screen, Todd-AO, Panorama-scopic meisterwerk.
I think his most annoying defect, though, is that he has all these ridiculous nick-names for people he doesn't like. They are all jaw-droppingly unfunny and yet he always, ALWAYS, follows them with a self-pleased chuckle.
A knob.
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 22:39
Didn't make it, FX. No show at the show. I'm not up to much band-going these days. I tell you what, though, I'll put on Message To You right now...
Harmonica
Drums
Trumpet
Stop your messin' around ...
Yeah.
Posted by: Tony.T | 29 August 2005 at 22:42
now that we are sharing and bonding - did you go see The Specials or the Two-Tone show or whatever it was last week?
Posted by: Francis Xavier Holden | 29 August 2005 at 23:17
rudi a message to you rudi
Posted by: Francis Xavier Holden | 29 August 2005 at 23:19
Blimey, FX. That is far too subtle for this blog. Either that, or it is a mis-publish. That is how subtle it is. Might be, anyway; far as I can tell.
Posted by: Tony.T | 30 August 2005 at 10:10
I was always the first one to talk to new dickheads at work. Then I realised that the great majority of employees are tools in their first month cos it's all bravado and oral defecation. It then made sure it was 6 weeks before I talked to any new members of staff. That was doubly effective if you were their boss. You could see them crying for acknowledgement by week 5.
Posted by: Russell Allen | 02 September 2005 at 18:36