TWO TONE

My name is Antony, not Anthony. Yet most everytime I give my name the respondent takes it as Anthony. "Antony, no Aitch," I politely correct. What I'd rather do is gouge it backward on their forehead.

I hate being called Anthony. This may stem from teenage visits to the orthodontist to get my braces tweaked. Come my turn to be tortured a nurse with enormous coke-bottle glasses would appear from behind The Door and usher me to The Chair. "Come on thhhhrough, Anttthhony," she'd malevolently ooze. Dad said she just had a speech impediment. But he was wrong; I could tell she was evil.

Thirty years later, though, and I'm confronting my fears head on. No more shirking. It's time to change my name to Antony Anthony. It's the sensible approach, as I'm sure you will agree.

* Aitch is in the dictionary, Haitch is not. There is something amiss with people who say Haitch. The same people have dinner for lunch and tea for dinner. It's wrong, I tell you.

Comments

[boynton]

Alternatively, you could have that line printed on a card:
My name is not Anthony

Still, the two tone solution is compelling.

[Tony.T]

Compelling and utterly satisfactory. I cannot see anyone exclaiming other than "What an extraordinarily sound idea! Good thinking, TT."

[Anne]

What if people call you Anthony Antony though?

[Tony.T]

That will be OK because it's now my name. I've thought this thing through, you understand.

[carneagles]

So if someone says, "Hey Anthony", you can assume that they're intending to address you by your last name. Any innocent conversation thus attains a new, aggressive dimension.

I like it.

[Tony.T]

Indeed, yes, Carna. I've no doubt it would be reasonable of me to turn and stab them with a pencil. As you rightly point out, there's more to this idea than initially meets the eye.

[TimT]

To avoid confusion, how about a compromise? If I forget your real name, I can just call you bumface.

[Tony.T]

You can, Tim. But not if you forget the capital B.

[Russell Allen]

I really don't know what to be say apart from the typical psysh q's:

"What is your first memory of your name being spelt incorrectly"
"Tell me about your mother"
"Do you dream of sheep, Clarice"

[Tony.T]

1. Me in first grade crayon class.
2. She was good at tennis.
3. No. But I DO dream of Graham Yallop's Lambs To The Slaughter. It's why England must never be allowed to win The Ashes.

[BourbonBird]

At least nobody calls you Ant.

[Tony.T]

Absolutely, BB. I used to work with an Ant around 1992. He was the first one I'd ever met (never heard of it before then, either) and it sounded peculiar, to say the least.

He was killed by a train. Not sure about any cause and effect, though.

[Dirk Thruster]

The last place I worked at had an Ant. I'd like to see him get hit by a train.

[Tony.T]

The first Ant was a top bloke, the three subsequent ones I've known weren't.

On balance then, Ant bites!

[Tony.T]

Hold the presses! I just turned on the radio and the first thing on was an Ant ringing up talkback.

The evidence is irrefutable: only cretins ring up the radio.

[Francis Xavier Holden]

Isn't it "Ants" with an "s" not ANT?

What's wrong with Tones?

[Tony.T]

Ants? Never heard that one before. But Tones is good; I was Tones at school.

And ...

Tones
Tone
Tee
TT
Tonsor

And more.

[Dorian]

Isn't TT a dodgy radio station? Sorry if this spoils anything for you.

[Tony.T]

It's a fit; me dodgy. Although my taste in music is better than theirs.

[Guruann]

Know the feeling, I hate my name being spelt wrong.

[Tony.T]

And so you should. It's such a nice name, Gooroo.

[DJ]

What about K__________ . No. Your secrets safe with me.

[Tony.T]

I'm sorry. Who are you?

[flute]

It particularly gave me the shits when the verbal meeja went on about the "haitch eye haitch collapse"

BASTARDS!

[Tony.T]

A double whhhammy! Two farces for the price of one! Bastards, indeed. And you'd think at least those swine would know better.

Harseholes!

[Francis Xavier Holden]

It's a working class irish catholic trait is "haitch".

'ope that 'elps

[Tony.T]

I used to drive a haitch-back.

Tell me, FX; whaddaya racoon? A or An historical novel?

[flute]

An

[Tony.T]

I wonder if Lazar is talking through 'is 'at.

Lazar

The "formal" rule is:
- when an h-word is stressed on the first syllable ("hat", "heritage"), "a" has to be used over "an"
- when an h-word is not stressed on the first syllable ("historic", "heroic", "horrendous"), then either "a" or "an" can both be used

This is why "an historic..." is acceptable but "an hat" is not.

But you're right, it does sound rather pompous to use "an" before an h-word.

[Russell Allen]

It's not an 'h' word. "An 'istorical" makes perfick sense. That's how I say it anyhow

[Tony.T]

You could throw a "Russell 'arty!"

[hungbunny]

"Two Tone" - superb! Which came first, the title or the post? I'm still working on my magnum opus - a criticism of your musical tastes - which will, naturally, be entitled "Tone Deaf".

[Tony.T]

Pretty much always the heading. I like a pun and try to turn it into something. Pretty sure it's the wrong way to go about it. But it seems to work for me. This time though, it was going to be the post first, then the heading.

And, naturally, I am tone deaf to your Plod Casts.

[vague]

I am appalled to find that people say "haitch." Appalled!

And people always spell my name wrong--my first and last names. Which are kind of boring, basic names. I generally think gouging it backwards on their foreheads is a great solution. They don't seem too happy about it, though.

[Tony.T]

I think you mean HAPPALLED. Many say that here, too.

[Far Queue Soften]

What's up with pretentious pricks that need to be formally addressed?! And by formally addressed, I mean that to include pronouncing their name correctly.

Maybe it comes from going to a school where the culture was one of taking-the-piss the whole time(?) And one of the easiest ways to take the piss is to take the piss outa someone's name, yes? Mate, I've had it all. Never bothered me.

Then there was the teacher who got my name wrong for some reason – just before the days of computer generated roll calls, I guess. But instead of WHINING about it, I just started using the name he chose. Wrote it on test papers and everything.

Then there was the other time when a guy at uni called me Stewie. Stewie isn't even close to being my name, but I thought "what the heck" and started answering to it. Much was his chagrin when he found out 6 months later. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

My boss was an Antony and he was the same as you, Moany. Er, I mean Tony.

In summary: I rool.

[Tony.T]

You dog!

My friends call me Tony. You can call me Jeff.

[carneagles]

Answering to an incorrect name tends to come unstuck when, all of a sudden, you're marked absent for the entire semester.

[Tony.T]

We had a teacher who once marked two students there when they were, in fact, absent.

While they weren't there they robbed this old lady and then presented the roll in court as evidence of an alibi.

Tied things up for years, it did. They eventually got right whack, though. 'ard time in the big 'ouse.

[Russell Allen]

I hate people who insist on being called by their full title even though they are the only people there. Like Paul J. Weinermayer III. You're the only Paul in the room you pedant (or did I mean pederast).

[Tony.T]

I once went to a dinner where I was sat beside a QC who refused to sit there because his table marker said Big Lawyer. And not Big F Lawyer QC.

[Patrick O'Hagan]

It's a working class irish catholic trait is "haitch".

'ope that 'elps

May be in Qld, but here in SA, the "working-class Catholics" I went to school with were all taught to say 'aitch', by the Sisters of St Joseph and the Christian Brothers.

I don't remember anyone saying 'elp, or 'ot, but I do remember kids being told off for dropping their 'Gs', saying "prayin'" instead of "praying", and the like.

[Tony.T]

In an argument about Irish-osity between a Francis Xavier Holden and a Patrick O'Hagan, I wouldn't know who to back.

Or would that be Francis X-Avier 'Olden and Patrick O''Agan?

[Far Queue Swell]

Answering to an incorrect name tends to come unstuck when, all of a sudden, you're marked absent for the entire semester.

It would have been funny come report writing time.

[Homer Simpson voice] "What the? Dvvv. Why you little..."

[Tony.T]

Homer featured in Saturday's crossword ...

Money - shilling in Homeric expression

[groomzilla]

Don't know if someone else said this above, sorry for skimming, but
AnTHony
is in any even supposed to be pronounced
AnTony.

That's all.

[Tony.T]

That's precisely one of the reasons I get upset, Groomzilla. Antony is NOT AnTHony. The difference is obvious.

[Groomzilla]

"I once went to a dinner where I was sat beside a QC who refused to sit there because his table marker said Big Lawyer. And not Big F Lawyer QC."

You should have beaten him to death with a hambone.

[Tony.T]

At the time I would have loved to jab him with my spoon. Or force fed him some of the pressed chook. This do didn't run to anything as flash as hambone.

I've met him a few times since and although he has a rep as a bit of a turd (he certainly has his moments) he's not too bad a bloke. He's big-time, too.

[Amanda]

I can't remember what I was brought up to say but I always make a point of saying Haitch because it annoys snobbish pedants. And any day you can do that, is a good day.

[Tony.T]

Damn it all, Amanda; now I'm annoyed.

[Burty]

Catholics are taught Haitch I think T.T.

Carrsle or Cassel?

Haitch is a disgrace though.

[Tony.T]

I've always said New-Carsle. But I call the Rook a Cassel.

And Haitch does indeed bite!

[The Fool]

It could have been worse. Here in the States an African-American couple named their child ANFERNY. I'm not sure if this was just a garbled communication with a cypher or Ebonics gone mad but there it is. ANFERNY. Do they call him FERN for short? Antony however, is a great name. Too bad the subtle distinctions are sometimes lost.

[Tony.T]

Indeed I've heard of Anferney, Fool. We've a footballer here whose name is Anthony who everyone calls Anfernee because he has a slight speech impediment.

But the other Anfernee mentioned here is, of course, your own Anfernee Hardaway.

[Liza with a 'Z']

not Lisa with an 'S', Epponnee not Ebony, Sara not Sarah, Marie not Maree, Gillian not Jillian, Ann not Anne, Dianne not Diane, are we having fun or what? Would a skunk smell better with another name? I look pretty damn scary with Antony gouged into my forehead - Janice Breen Burns wants to do a feature on it as a trend ( and I left out Richard the Lionheart).

[Tony.T]

Maybe not Lisa with an 'S' but I'm confident it's also not Liza with a 'zee'. Jolly good.