PAW PAW PITIFUL ME

MacKay: "Six soft toilet rolls have disappeared from the governor's closet. We've had to give him standard prison issue tissue."

Godber: "That's rough."

Fletcher: "Rough? Yeah ... I'll say it is ... that'll wipe the smile off his face."

-- Porridge. Check out sound-bites here, you slags.

My sense of humour has come back to bite me on the behind; the doctor just banned me from using toilet tissue. "It's like sandpaper," he said. "Diabolical stuff." He laughed as I managed a crack about it being a pain in the arse.

I have this problem with the botty, you see. And instead of using standard issue bogroll, the doctor has insisted on medicated baby wipes. Didn't THAT go down a treat at the chemist? "Err ... umm ... do you have those ... umm ... baby cleaning whatsits?" I asked the chemist tart. "Right over here, sir. Is there something wrong with your anus then?" she yelled.

After an initial period with some fancy ointment, I then have to coat the blighter in paw paw oil. No need to go into the pros & cons, but apparently it's quite the medicinal winner. A wonder unguent. Who knew sticking fruit up your date could be healthy. It'll be just like German porn. I hear.

Comments

[DJ]

Have you been sitting on conctrete? Eating your fingernails? Having anal sex?

[Tony.T]

No. No. And NO! Definitely not. Not even once ... just then.

[DJ]

Smooth.

[Tony.T]

Indeed it was. Unlike dunny paper, apparently.

[Russell Allen]

I hear gasoline and a lit match to the affected area is also quite soothing

[Tony.T]

I've been sat here (tenderly, mind you) trying to imagine just how painful that would be. Very, I'm thinking.

[boynton]

No date with the Pears then?

[Tony.T]

It will be a standing engagement.

[Gorilla Bananas]

Well, Mr Tony, it's nice to see that even an intellectual blogger occasionally raises a topic on which an ape can offer advice. Try using the inside of a mango skin just after you've eaten it. Then go and dip your botty in a billabong (as I believe it's called in your country).

[Tony.T]

Thanks for the timely advice, Mr Bananas. I'll go down the grocers right now to see if they have any medicinal mangoes.

[GrodsCorp]

This is the kind of post that blogging was invented for.

[Tony.T]

Thanks, Grodsy.* We do try to keep abreast of things. Come to think of it, it's almost the kind of post THE WORD blogging was invented for. Almost.

* Naturally, I've taken it as a compliment.

[TimT]

If you stick fruit up your date, doesn't that make you a fruit?

[Tony.T]

Only if the date's in your palm.

[carneagles]

Let that be a lesson for you - dragging oneself across the carpet in the sitting position isn't an accepted worm treatment, even if it does work for dogs.

[Tony.T]

I'm glad for that advice because I HAD recently seen a dog do that, and I HAD considered it as an option.

So, no good then?

[Francis Xavier Holden]

Hole-istic medicine?

[Tony.T]

Yes, I like that. It proct-ically is.

[Dorian]

I know someone who works in the KFC drive-thru. Do you want me to get them to steal a stack of those refresher towelettes for you?

[Tony.T]

Please. I've always been fascinated by those wee satchels. They're the best thing about KFC.

PS: The one on airplanes go alright, too. Dunno what it is, I must have a towelette fixation. That's pretty normal, isn't it?

[Steve]

Extensive research I did today revealed that Islam approves of the use of toilet paper. Because it is sort of like...rocks. See article here www.islamonline.net/fatwa/english/FatwaDisplay.asp?hFatwaID=65310

[Tony.T]

"After answering the call of nature, one should cleanse his private parts. To do so, he can use a rock, stone or any other pure substance. One may use only water to clean the area, or any combinations of purifying agents."

It strikes me that those baby wipers, combining as they do liquid and towelness, are pretty much smack bang within the purview of Islamic observance.

I am, by using them, a better Muslim.

[Nabakov]

I can see how a problem like that could bowel you over. Good to hear though that your analyst is looking into it. Anyway, here's to your health! Bottoms up!

[Tony.T]

Hey you! Stop hogging all the puns. Good as they were.

Cheers! Up your bum!

[Nabakov]

Problem solved.
http://www.totoneorest.com/home.html
Provided of course you can spend a spare k on having a happy bum.

(I love the way they use "sophisticated sensuality" as a selling point for their wifi crapper)

[Tony.T]

A ripper crapper!

"This ain't Karzi, Toto!"

[hungbunny]

Dates are improved by the insertion of marzipan.

[Tony.T]

What? Is ginger now out of fashion in the figging dept?

[Nabakov]

Maybe you should ask Johnny Depp what his secret is.
http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001364.html

[Tony.T]

I looked at that for a minute before I got the joke, but have been chuckling away idiotically ever since. Johnny Depp the Chocolate Star fish.

[carneagles]

Speaking of towelettes, I remember seeing an episode of the Paul Hogan Show years back, where his recipe for lemon chicken was to place a piece of chicken in a blender with a hand towelette. He said to make sure it was a lemon towelette, because lavender chicken tasted terrible.

Point of the story: I like stories.

[Tony.T]

Can I make a startling admission; I've never seen the Paul Hogan show.

But still, good stories are good.

[hungbunny]

I know you don't do the Hoff any more, Tony, but I thought you might like http://members.iinet.net.au/~l_ross/pachoff/ target="_blank">this. Gobble gobble.

[Tony.T]

Oh, I've seen that one. In fact, since I've said I was giving up The Hoff, I've been bombarded with Hoff stuff.

You know, Pacman was Time Magazine's Man Of The Year in 1982.

[Dr. E. Scientist, phD.]

I recommend using a hose for a gentle, soothing post-dunnal bum lavage.

Do be careful with the water pressure; there's a fine line between personal hygiene and colonic irrigation.

[Tony.T]

Thanks, Doc. I'll be careful. They say CI is quite the refresher, though. What say you?

[groom stripped bare]

I'd love an excuse to permanently migrate to baby wipes, paper on the butt is way too harsh.

ANd our cat has discovered how much fun it is to unravel the entire roll, and does so every single time someone leaves the door open...

[Tony.T]

You should sign you cat up for TV advertisements. Shills love cute, high-jinksy felines.

[Russell Allen]

Baby wipes are for arseholes.

[Tony.T]

That must be why they work for me.

[Dr. E. Scientist, phD.]

I heard an odd converstional snippet between two blokes at the local last night; "May I push in your stool?"

The thing is, both of the gentlemen in question were seated on benches. Strange, that.

[Tony.T]

Strange indeed, Doc. That you were in such a bar, that is.

[egg]

"Let that be a lesson for you - dragging oneself across the carpet in the sitting position isn't an accepted worm treatment, even if it does work for dogs"

... a method to detect dropped staples in the carpet?