"Turds! Double turds!"
When golfers take air-swings they feel like idiots; they look like idiots, too. Naturally though, because it's funny, everyone else just laughs.
Can you imagine then, the sheer blinding extent of whoopee, if, instead of missing a golf ball, Spalding was an executioner missing a condemned man's neck. In 1642 an executioner took 29 swings to eventually hack off a murderer's head. That's right. Twenty. Nine. Swings. He must have been using the wrong end. Or a rubber tomahawk.
It was due to situations like that, and ostensibly not because they have no sense of humour, that the French introduced The Guillotine.
That's introduced. It's a popular misconception that the guillotine was invented by a Frenchman named Joseph-Ignace Guillotine; Jiggy to his mates. It was, in fact, named after one Joseph-Ignace Guillotin (sort-of rhymes with tan) and he merely presented an existing idea to the French Assembly. The Irish had used a crude unheading machine as early as the 1300s. Not only that, the French guillotine unveiled in 1792 was actually designed and built by a German harpsichord maker, Tobias Schmidt. Nor did Dr Guillotin die on The National Razor; he died in 1814 of a rather less theatrical carbuncle on his shoulder.
And that's all I have to say on Terri Schiavo.
When Charles I went to the block in 1649 he felt he needed something to keep himself level-headed, so he put into his pocket an orange stuffed with cloves. Wonder what he would have picked if he knew it was going to take 29 chops.
Posted by: Tony.T | 30 March 2005 at 13:59
"Hack, hack hack. By the time he's finished, you don't need a spike so much as a toast rack" - Lord Blackadder.
Posted by: Bruce | 30 March 2005 at 15:08
Was there also some line about someone bending over and having his arse-crack used as a toast-rack?
Posted by: Tony.T | 31 March 2005 at 11:21
"and ostensibly not because they have no sense of humour"
Care to explain?
Posted by: Anne | 31 March 2005 at 11:22
Oooooo, Anne. You fell into my cunningly placed Anne-Trap.
Right along with Marcel Marceau from A Silent Movie, those two French clowns from The Alan Partridge Show and this guy.
Posted by: Tony.T | 31 March 2005 at 11:27
Law enforcement and due process can be much better administed if practicioners have the right tools- just think how much cleaner and more efficient the process would be if they had one">http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?video=V8-Chainsaw">one of these? (And how much more fun- no time for knitting though).
Posted by: PB | 31 March 2005 at 11:28
Yeah, I saw that a while back, Bicks.
Does it come with the two fat guys?
Posted by: Tony.T | 31 March 2005 at 11:31
How does one die of a carbuncle on the shoulder?
Posted by: GC | 31 March 2005 at 11:32
I wondered that myself, Grodsy. But I suppose it got infected of some shit. Remember, these are the days when people died of colds and splinters and bad milk.
Posted by: Tony.T | 31 March 2005 at 11:34
Jeeezuss. Check out some of these.
http://www.angelfire.com/goth/nitecreatures/torture.html
My faves would have to be "The Oral, Rectal and Vaginal Pear" and "The Wheel" (both towards the bottom of the page).
Posted by: Far Car | 31 March 2005 at 15:12
The link included here is NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
SERIOUSLY!
Ok, warnings out of the way: That's pretty shocking, Far. But is it as shocking as -- WARNING! ALARM! ADULTS ONLY! DO NOT LOOK AT! -- this link?
I think not.
Posted by: Tony.T | 01 April 2005 at 11:23
Hey, can we arrange for David Hasselhoff to be executed in the above manner ? Live on Channel Nein ? Great Sport methinks. Now that WOULD make waves.....
Posted by: Brett Pee | 02 April 2005 at 18:52
Educational, Far Car. I've never seen the word gyneacophobic before.
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 03 April 2005 at 05:51
Well those two links left a nasty taste in the mouth. I think it's time to raise the tone, with a little class and style here.
http://www.kultureflash.net/archive/57/Sachs.html
http://www.kultureflash.net/archive/56/design.html
Posted by: Nabakov | 03 April 2005 at 15:07
Chainel No.56, Nab?
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 April 2005 at 16:47
I haven't a clue on what you just said...
wtf?
xxMelxx
p.s. was that meant to be funny?
Posted by: Jess | 11 June 2006 at 13:22
Oh, right! I get it now. Sorry!! Um, please send me more info on the guillotine! It is soo interesting! e-mail is [email protected]
Thanx heapz!
xxMelzxx
p.s. and a short bio. on Joseph-Ignace Guillotin
Posted by: Mel | 11 June 2006 at 13:24
Oh...sorry about the first comment where it says posted by Jess! ! ! Thatz my sis so sorry. I was asking her if i should and she showed me that it would be fine! SO sorry. Um yes that short bio and more info on Dr Joseph-Ignace Guillotin PLEASE!!! I ReALLY NEED IT!! K thanks. whats ur e-mail?!
xxMelzxx
p.s. I'm 15. I have brown hair and blue eyes and live in Tasmania, Australia
Posted by: Melz | 11 June 2006 at 13:29