THE NORMAN INQUEST

Ken Parish is running a Music Poll in reaction to a Norm Geras Music Poll. This is really quite a necessary idea. The results of Norm's poll were so vile I almost sent him an abusive email. I didn't, though, it's not his fault his readers are mush-heads.

Ken's poll has tossed up some fine stuff. Massive Attack, The White Stripes, New Order and The Pixies. Keef's solo gear totally eclipses The Stones' latter day dross. Bob Dylan is still churning out great music. Despite an excess of praise, The Stone Roses first album is first rate. Nirvana's Come As You Are is terrific. Blur and Pulp are fine by me. XTC made a brilliant comeback in the late nineties. The Go-Bees are certainly one of the best ten bands of the last twenty years.

On the other hand, Ken's poll also threw up more than it's fair share of rubbish.

For a start, Jeff Buckley is the most over-rated artist of the 90s. Drowned? Don't be fooled, he was murdered by a music lover; someone who had tired of all the moaning. I would have stood on the bank laughing. Eric Clapton has been a complete waste of space, post-smack. Pearl Jam are crap; always have been. REM boring. The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion merely embarrassing. Crowded House, Kylie, Madge, Sinead O'Connor and U2 are proof you can, indeed, polish a turd. Powderfinger, The Whitlams, Spiderbait, The Superjesus and Red Hot Chilli Peppers proof you can't. Bjork is just not music. And if someone came up to me at a party and raved about Beth Orton the way Mark Bahnisch does, I'd push a chicken wing in their face.

So here is my list*, preserved for posterior. It is quite obviously better than all the other lists compiled by you ignorant swine at Ken's.

1. New Mistake - Jellyfish (1993)
2. Hotel Illness - The Black Crowes (1992)
3. Let's Get Killed - David Holmes (1997)
4. High On A Hilltop - Nick Lowe (1998)
5. Wayfarin' Stranger - Spearhead (1997)
6. Monkey With A Gun - The Yayhoos (2001)
7. Now It's On - Grandaddy (2004)
8. White City Fighting - Peter Townshend (1985)
9. Swallowed By The Cracks - David & David (1986)
10. Spring Rain - The Go-Betweens (1985)

Note: This is my blog. I am right.

* Today, anyway.

Comments

[Adam 1.0]

Anyone for Spandau Ballet's classic "True"?

No, I didn't think so.

[Tony.T]

I think that might have been before 1985. Not that I'm totally up-to-speed with Spandau Ballet.

[Adam 1.0]

Good point. I didn't read the rules fully before I got excited and started going new romantic.

I just went there and ripped off the top 10 songs from the TSP 1000 in the 1985-2005 period. I seriously doubt TISM will crack the list even though they scored three votes from me.

[Tony.T]

I've never understood your fondness for Greg! TSS!. It's OK, not great, though. Haven't TISM got any better stuff?

[DJ]

Too right. Buckleys droning makes my ears hurt. I'd help the murderer hold him under. Just to make sure.

[Tony.T]

Fair enough, too.

What about the guy from The Whitlams?

[DJ]

Hes too low to care about. I would hire one of those Sydney Blue Murder gangsters to take him "fishing".

[SB]

I agree with you about Spring Rain, at least. I tried to throw in a bit of hip-hopas they requested.

"Mr Dobalina" - Del the Funky Homosapien
"New Wave" - Common & Stereolab
"Look at Miss Ohio" - Gillian Welch
"I'm that Type of Nigga" - Pharcyde
"Spring Rain" - Go Betweens
"Makeshift Patriot" - Sage Francis
"Messenger Bird's Song" - Bright Eyes
"There is No Competition" - Dark Tower
"Mind Playing Tricks on Me" - Geto Boys
"Song for Randy Newman" - Chills

[Tony.T]

Deej: Excellent suggestion. Use John Butler as live-bait.

SB: You got me there. I only know Spring Rain. I hope you haven't got dreadies.

Hmmm, I THINK I know Mr Dobalina.

[Bruce]

As discussed at GrogBlog, New Mistake is one of the most perfect pop songs of the last 20 years.

But you can bite me wrt the rest of my list.

[Tony.T]

JF should have been big, Bruce.

On the rest, consider yourself bit. Well, only nibbled on The Distance. Never heard of them/her/him/it.

Peter Gabriel was massive back then. What's he up to, I wonder?

[SB]

I thought the same when I read your list. What's dreadies?

If I may be so bold, the Gillian Welch album "Soul Journey" (which is melodic slow country with good lyrics) was the thing I most enjoyed listening to last year.

[Tony.T]

You thought what same, SB?

Dreadies: You know, Dread Locks. Unless you're a 6 foot 5 black guy. White guys should never get them. I have students with dreadies; if it was up to me, they'd lose ten marks per test.

Apparently Gillian Welch's concert here last year was an absolute cracker.

[SB]

same = I didn't recognise half the songs on your list either.

No dreadies. I like reggae a lot though.

If you email me a PO box or something I can send you some music.

[Tony.T]

Oh, right. Check.

Happy about the dreadies.

I'm not massive on reggae, but if you like it a lot, check out Toots & The Maytals' Funky Kingston (you might already know it). An album from about 1976. Awesome. Best reggae album, like, ever, dude.

Sounds good on the music. I'll send you an email later when I'm not at work.

[SB]

I'll check it out. I've got some Toots, but not sure if it is this one.

Seventies is my favourite reggae period.

[Martin Pike]

Nahh mate, here 'tis:
1 Teen Spirit- Nirvana
2 One- U2
3 Killing in the name of- Rage against the machine
4 Daughter- Pearl Jam
5 Berlin Chair- You Am I
6 Jesus Christ Pose- Soundgarden
7 American Dream- Jakatta
8 Raining Blood- Slayer
9 Fields of Gold- Eva Cassidy
10 Natural Blues- Moby

They didn't call me metal marty for nothing...

[Caz]

Dear Tony,

You're an old git.

Love and kisses,

Aunty Caz.

PS: The only artiste on your list that's acceptable is The Black Crowes.
PPS: TISM have better songs, yes. My personal favourites are "Choose Bad Smack" and "You Can Call Me A C*nt, Just Don't Call Me A F*cking C*nt." Classy.

[SB]

Tism - Morrison Hostel sums up the Doors frontman perfectly:

" You're a selfish, rude, arrogant prick;
You're basically pretty stupid;
Your mysticism's a lump of shit,
And so are all the girls you rooted."

[Darlene]

Harsh, but fair.

I am simply not cool enough to comment about the best songs on this blog.

Martin, I am going to agree with you about One and Fields of Gold, other than that I am going to keep my big nerdy trap shut.

[Dirk Thruster]

Come As You Are - Nirvana
Parklife - Blur
Old Lady Behind The Counter In A Small Town - Pearl Jam
Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden
Fairytale Of New York - Pogues
Where's Your Head At?- Basement Jaxx
Born Slippy - Underworld
Killing In The Name Of - RATM
Better Get A Lawyer - The Cruel Sea
Push It - Salt 'n' Pepa

The last one is a guilty pleasure. And yes, I realise you hate Pearl Jam because they take themselves so seriously, what I don't get is how you - as a Dylan disciple - consider that to be a bad thing.

[Dirk Thruster]

P.S.
Go-Betweens? Most. Overrated. Band. Evah.

[SB]

Dirk that is the craziest thing you've said. Unfortunately I'm trying to clean up my act for lent or I would tell you what I really think. Actually I really think you know better and are just stirring. Then again looking at your list.....Soundgarden????

[Tony.T]

There is way too much positive talk of Pearl Jam. You people are sick.

Caz, I'm hip. In fact, I don't believe I could be any hipper. It's just too, too, TOO obvious.

Dirk you can't talk up PJ and talk down the Go-Bees. That's just more than unusually crazy talk.

SB, you're the only sensible person up there (spot on about Jim Morrison). Just this once, feel free to un-clean up your act. And find out where everyone else lives please.

[Tony.T]

Oh, and Darlene, that reminds me of the old proverb, "Better to be thought cool than to open your mouth and remove all pout."

Profound, no?

[Adam 1.0]

Re TISM

Even though I think that's their second weakest album Greg! is a huge highpoint for me.

[Tony.T]

How come I don't know much about TISM? They seem to be quite the ticket.

I guess I'm just not cool afterall; that is rather disheartening.

[Habib]

I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt (TISM) is classy; the pomes on the free CD that came with wanker.com were rather good, especially the one about Ivan Milat living next door. For decent recent music, hard to pass Franz Ferdinand- hyped for sure, but for once they warrant a bit of it. The New Order track swiped by Sports Tonight is a return to form, ditto Norfolk Coast by The Stranglers; the Scissor Sisters aren't bad, if a little overpublicised. Virtually anything by the Ben Folds Five. What about Willie Shatner (+ rug) and Jarvis Cocker's cover of Common People? The Greenskeeper's Lotion (previously mentioned) is also top class, as far as sociopath skin-suit serial-killer singles go. Me Julie by Shaggy and Ali G sets a new standard in ragga/rap/shit crossover style. When are Marvin and the Chipmunks going to reform and do a gangsta set?

[Tony.T]

There'll always be a place in my heart for sociopath skin-suit serial-killer singles. There are not nearly enough of them, though.

I found Franz.F a bit tiring; nothing there really grabbed me. But I've been listening to the Shatner album heaps lately; I love it.

And although he's worth the odd chuckle, I wouldn't be overly fussed if some angry Arab offed Ali.G.

[Habib]

Just in- we have a winner!

[Tony.T]

Habib found the fat kid from Hey Dad.

[Brett Pee]

Did someone mention Slayer ? They made some of the most unintelligble and raucus 'music' known to mankind. BUT check out their offshoot, a outfit by the name of Cathedral. This intense sonic noise burst makes Slayer sound like Take That.

Have you checked out the 'Brits' and who won? Bloody Scissor Sisters !!! They are deffo NOT British are they ? From New York if i'm not mistaken. Franz F are o.k. but check out Kasabian- apparently influenced by the Stone Roses. And the Killers and Keane. Keane have no guitar and rely on catchy piano hooks and a GGOD singer to front them. Unlike The Vines.

[Habib]

Habib, Hambo swiped my bonus CD from that album. Little crunt. I enjoyed "Kate, Fisher of men."

[hungbunny]

Oh for fuck's sake. You slag off Jeff Buckley yet praise the Stone Roses? For shame, Tony, for shame. "Churning" was a good word to use for Bob though.

Incidentally, I once sold hash to Mani, it was the highlight of my dealing career. Nice bloke. Shit bass player.

[Habib]

Best line from "Kate, Fisher of Men"-

but I'm better than him, 'cos I'm a storeman as well as a packer; also a fine extolling of the urban delights on offer at Airport West.

[Tony.T]

Is that you there, Caz? Have you been getting into the midnight vegemite, smoked salmon and ice-cream sandwiches?

Now, Hung, I can waer the shame, but Jeff Buckley is still painful. All that whining; just get to the end, grimace-boy. The sort of "edgy" stuff I'd expect a Tooting drug baron to listen to. Like My Fuckin' Valentine.

I think I better check this TISM business out.

[AdventureGirl]

Tony you are now officially a music Nazi. Not even Alive by Pearl Jam? That's a GREAT song.

[Caz]

Tone, if you changed my name to Habib on that post to mess with me, I'll hunt you down and kill you.

[Caz]

PS: Pearl Jam sucks 17 kinds of over-rated arse.

[PB]

Pearl Jam are a wank.

[Tony.T]

No shit, Caz. I logged on this morning and there was Habib's name with your URL and what I presume is your comment. I guessed Habib wouldn't know Hambo biffed your CD; I'm sharp like that. But seriously; I didn't change anything. I didn't change anything.

And the audience have spoken, Addy, well me, Caz and PB anyway, Pearl Jam bite. Bite big, indeed. I find them immensely irritating. I just do; can't explain why.

[DJ]

The bite because therye crap. I've never seen them or heard them interviewed, but I bet they are wankers.

Adventure Girl, that is a grate* song.

* I apologise for stealing one of Tonys stupid puns.

[DJ]

Ahem.

THEY - bite - because - THEY ARE - crap.

[Tony.T]

Stupid puns rock; they are my friends.

[Habib]

In fact they ignore basic laws of physics, in that they both suck and blow simultaneously.

[Habib]

On that basis alone they should be dissected for further study.
Does anyone else think John Butler is a complete cunt?

[Habib]

On that basis alone they should be dissected for further study.
Does anyone else think John Butler is a complete cunt?

[Brett Pee]

I Do.

[Brett Pee]

I Do.

[Dirk Thruster]

I don't dislike the Go-Betweens, it's just that they seem to be the official gods of the indie set, no band is as good as they are hyped.
Eddie Vedder once punched out the front guy from Creed. That redeems most sins.
John Butler would make a reasonable busker.

[Tony.T]

John Butler needs a smack in the mouth.

"Oooooooh, I'm so hip
I've got dreadies
a bad beard
cool opinions
I've been on shows
Oooh, yeah"

Thwack!

"Ooooow, that hurt"

Vedder's just gone way up in my estimation, Dirk. Creed are cancer. Still not buying his music, though.

[Big Ramifications]

SB, there is a very clever unofficial video of Mind Playing Tricks on Me lurking on the internets.

One of the many sites hosting it can be found here.

I know it's virtually impossible, but try and click on the link without reading the review. I downloaded it from a review-less site (which I can't find now). It took me nearly the whole song to realise who the characters were.

Xxtra viewing fun, y'see.

[Tony.T]

What's that all about, Biggy?

[Big Ramifications]

What's that all about, Biggy?

You tell me! I'd say: "Video clip with dolls acting out the words to the song".

***A better spoiler alert would have been: "It took me nearly the whole song to figure out why the main dude was white".

[Tony.T]

Huh?

[invalid]

You're a fucking retard if you think Bjork, REM, and Portishead aren't music.

[Tony.T]

Bjork? You like to listen to cats being strangled. Who's the real retard here, Invalid?

[T Marcell]

"New Mistake"? Sure, but all of Spilt Milk was fantastic, their first is also a contender.
Nice addition including "White City Fighting" but then again, I have a thing for chinese eyes.

[Tony.T]

Now there's an idea, T. I'm going to put it on right now.

Thanks.