"Jeebus! What's a man gotta do to get a meal around here?
-- Bobby Sands
Time to ban the bloody Irish; stop letting them in.
I'm sick to the back teeth of the Irish. Have you noticed how EVERYONE is Irish these days? Even people who aren't! It's become a vicious trend. To all you Aussies out there, your brains made of chewed spinach; stop saying "shite"!
These days every second bar has ricketty wooden farm implements dangling from the rafters. In ducking them you trip over and spill your drink. It didn't help you were also trying to read an Oscar Wilde quote on the wall. That's after bumping into a fiddle-dee-dee bastard quoting Van Morrison and pining for peat. To rub it in you must decypher a menu styled as a Gaelic street sign. And just try ordering food from a waitress who thinks Shane MacGowan is sexy. Especially his teeth.
Then there's that boring bloody Lord of the Dance! Who ever decided that monotonous nonsense was entertainment? I would rather watch a cake baking.
All this because their stupid clergy back in Ireland bickered over sick potatoes. Righteous blowhards such as the Protestant reverend, Edward Nangle who saw the Potato Famine as an opportunity to corral a congregation. He set up a school and soup kitchen at Achill in County Mayo; "no soul, no soup". Well, he never said that, I did, but his language was hardly diplomatic. Nangle's Catholic competitor was Archbishop John MacHale. MacHale would rather his flock went hungry than risk becoming loathed Protestants. Both raved about the wrath of spud.
"To the Roman Catholics of Ireland in general, and of Achill in particular. Surely God is angry with this land. The potatoes wouldn't have rotted unless he sent his wrath into them. God is good. And because he never sends a scourge in his creatures unless they deserve it, your priests stand powerless before the divine judgement as did the magicians before the plagues with which God visited the lands of Egypt."
"It would be better to cut your throat with a knife than to send them to such schools."
"There is no place out of Hell which more enrages the almighty than the Protestant colony. The people have no right to be in that colony. This island was like the garden of our saviour when those cursed people came to it. And I hope I shall have my prayer from our saviour and the blessed virgin that this island shall again be as it formerly was."
So, because a bunch of puffed-up, pugnacious priests engaged in a fight over blight, a conservative estimate of, ohh, about eight hundred and eigthy-three gazillion Irish farmers were forced to pinch a one-way loaf of bread to Australia. The upshot is, I now have to endure a tedious barrage of craic, green beer and assorted Irish relatives. Ahem ... hello to you Gerry, Tarragh, Patrick, Ronan and co. Ronan? Well, that's only VERY gay, isn't it?
All you Irish thinking of coming to Australia; don't! Please have the good graces to stay at home in Cork, Mayo, Dr Kildare or whatever muddy, windswept, un-sewered tenant farm you're reading this from. Take the lead of a stay-at-home Irishman who will end up justifiably famous for having one of the funniest blogs around. Language warning, though.
"I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives – in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying "yes, there's more to Ireland than this". A good slogan for the tourist board – "Dere's more to Oireland dan dis."
Bloody bog-trotters; I wish they'd all drink themselves to death so we don't have to listen to another fucking U2 song.
Posted by: PB | 03 February 2005 at 14:11
Its a bloody third world country (coming from someone with an Irish passport - amongst many, just call me Bourne). Last year the whole Aus family went over there and we picked a route from the south to the north. Looking at the map, the N1 sticks out like a sore thumb. Aha we thought, a freeway! Not so, just a dodgy single lane road passing through every farkin village and derelict farm shed on the way. Get stuck behind a tractor and you're knackered. My mother in law (Australian) said, "Fancy things like that getting in the way of international traffic like us".
Posted by: flute | 03 February 2005 at 14:12
Probably inspired by Ball Bag's Blog.
Can't even spell Shane MacGowan's name right. He's still a genius, just not pretty.
The sentiment is right though - bogtrotting bastards.
Posted by: SB | 03 February 2005 at 14:28
Bicks, please don't mention U2 around here. There's a good chap.
Pretty damn top-shelf mother-in-law you got there, Flutey.
Must admit I don't mind taking the slow-roads when on holiday. Last time I was in 'Merica I even went the back way into New Orleans; right through bayou country. Now THAT was an eye-opener. But I'm none too fond of travelling on shit roads and getting stuck in traffic if I actually want to get somewhere. Bloody pain in the arse, that.
Now, SB. You're supposed to look at the links in my post. I'll say no more for now.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 14:47
Oh yeah. I'll adjust the spelling, too.
Ta.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 14:52
Point taken.
Posted by: SB | 03 February 2005 at 15:16
You are forgiven.
This time.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 15:21
Ah, crack at the mick, eh?
Posted by: e staines | 03 February 2005 at 19:35
In this era of politeness, Ed, I feel it's important we occasionally revisit "the classics".
You know, to remember the good old days.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 19:40
"Alright, the Niggers and the Chinks can stay, but we don'y want the Irish".
Posted by: His Honour the Mayor of Rock Ridge | 03 February 2005 at 20:16
"Nobody move! Or the Queenslander gets it."
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 20:23
You English pig. Youre supposed to be nice to minorities now.
PS: That episode of Alan Partridge with those French clowns was priceless.
Posted by: DJ | 03 February 2005 at 20:36
Irish aren't minority anymore. They've taken over. As I look through the window, there's even a GREEN car coming down the street.
I've given up booze and smokes so I'm enjoying the only evil left to me; stereotyping.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 20:49
It's all part of us Catholics sly plan. We have lots more babies than you anal Protestants and we'll soon be running things around here.
The Pope know's his onions. Thats why he's against contraception.
Posted by: DJ | 03 February 2005 at 21:56
He doesn't care about much at all at the moment. He's stuck up in an oxy-tent watching The Clock Channel on closed circuit Hospital TV.
Posted by: Tony.T | 03 February 2005 at 22:50
Whilst you are right up to a point, you should be careful not to confuse Irish with Oirish, they are very different. If you went to Dublin now it is full of swanky bars where everybody sets their new mobile on the table in front of them so people can see it, then occasionally pick it up and bray into it about how much money they make. It is becoming depressingly like London.
Posted by: Ball Bag | 04 February 2005 at 00:27
At least the N1 is now a nice shiny new road with no speed cameras so you can drive at about 100mph. Thank you, EU.
Posted by: Ball Bag | 04 February 2005 at 00:44
My parents are Irish so I spent a lot of holidays there as a child. From what I saw, and what my mother has told me, it is a nasty smallminded inbred place where children are beaten by nuns and you can't go into pubs in case you get shot and everyone hates you if you are successful. The town she grew up in once let a convent of nuns burn to death rather than have the firemen see them in their nighties. That pretty much sums it up. All this happy leprechaun stuff is weird.
Posted by: nurse agnes | 04 February 2005 at 00:52
Call me un Australian if you will.....BUT i personally do not mind the Irish- Southern Irish that is. Laid back, inoffensive types of blokes i've found. Also have got drunk beyond belief in a few of their company. They gave us Guinness for Chrissakes !!!!
Posted by: Brett Pee | 04 February 2005 at 04:36
Shite, I was just saying to a friend the other day, shite doesn't everybody think they are Irish these days.
Used to share house with someone who "dated" someone in one of those jiggy-jiggy Irish music bands.
Thanks for re-opening old wounds, Tony.
Posted by: Darlene | 04 February 2005 at 06:21
"If you had the luck of the Irish
You'd wish you were English instead"
Posted by: pat | 04 February 2005 at 06:39
Alan Partridge. What a classic. His Sunday Bloody Sunday speech proved inspiration for me.
And if I can't say shite can I please still say "Crunt"?
Posted by: Adam 1.0 | 04 February 2005 at 11:08
Ball Bag: I heard you're a property developer. How come you aren't braying in the swanky bars with the other moneyed Dubliners? Ever slung a cashmere sweater over your shoulder?
Nursey: I have a good Irish friend who swears black and blue the Irish are the most racist country on earth.
Brett: Guinness? Pah!
Darlene: Best get those things out in the open. I believe the word is "closure". What an awful word! I hate "closure".
Pat: ... err ... I've got nothing. Can't top a top quote like that. Top stuff. Topping, in fact.
Adam: Shite's out. Crunt's in. The former has totally worn out it's welcome and the latter, well, you're the only person I've ever heard use it. Crunt away!
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 17:46
GUINNESS is crunt! And so are jiggy-jiggy Irish music bands. Folking crap.
Posted by: DJ | 04 February 2005 at 19:10
Sure an all dat unemplomint be long gone- even Oi've managed to git a job, an all I do in hang around der pool all day, an have fat ladies sit on me, to be sure.
Posted by: Paddy O'Furniture | 04 February 2005 at 19:39
Deej: I noticed your turn of phrase up there; "The Pope know's his onions." You've been reading Harry's blog, haven't you?
Paddy: You're missing the obligatory Jaysus! and a salutary TOT Mornin'. Lift your game, please.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 22:20
Just how is shite pronounced by the by ?
Posted by: Brett Pee | 05 February 2005 at 01:57
we always said shite, 'cos it made us lots more Irush, begorrah.
'Ave a look at the lot of us, und we're Irish dickheads to be sure, without a doubt. If some cunt of a recording company hadn't picked us up, the fucking edge would be living in a skip.
Posted by: Bono From U2 | 05 February 2005 at 03:01
Oim Oirish. Bejesus, how are you? May a plague of snakes drive you all into the water you racist, Howardite, bastards.
And shite is pronounced 'Brett Pee' where I'm from: just round the corner from a Walkabout in Earls Court.
Posted by: Pikie | 05 February 2005 at 03:38
I take it that the Clowns above have been partaking of a little TOO much of the Whiskey, to be sure.
Posted by: Brett Pee | 05 February 2005 at 05:07
Shit! Is there another Bono in another band?
It's OK, Pikey, we love the Irish. Really. Although I still hate green. And U2. And The Coors. And fiddle-dee-dee jiggy-jiggy music. And Leprechauns. And Shite.
Actually, I knew you were Irish when I saw you jabbering madly at the G-Blogging. Irish, lefthand, shorthand, the lot. You were totally hammered. Man, you put away some Guinness! **
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 13:25
** Possibly, just possibly not true. A lie, even.
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 13:26
Don't you remember Bono from Take That?
Tony what does it mean for our relationship - I like Bob Dylan and I'm more than partial to a bit of U2. Does my contradictory existence appall you?
Anyway, was in a pub with 'Pikie' last night, and all he talked about was you, to be sure.
Posted by: e staines | 05 February 2005 at 21:15
Ed, Take That is an outfit whose dubious bono (ho ho) fides have fortunately eluded me.
No problem on the contradiction front, though. I like Leo Sayer. I'm well capable of appalling myself.
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 23:55
You sprung me. I have and a jolly wheeze it is too.
Posted by: DJ | 06 February 2005 at 00:06
The Irish are the most loveable people on God's Green Earth. I wish they would shut up.
Posted by: Harry Hutton | 06 February 2005 at 15:17
NOBODY likes Leo Sayer. Surely. Probably not even when he was big. Whenever that was. He is,was, and always will be a bloody dinosaur. Hrrrrrrmmmmmppppphhhhhh!!!!!!!
Posted by: Brett Pee | 06 February 2005 at 21:58
I was travellin’ down the road, feelin’ hungry and cold
I saw a sign sayin’ food and drinks for everyone
So naturally I thought I would take me a look inside
I saw so much food, there was water comin’ from my eye
Yeah there was ham an’ there was turkey, there was caviar
An’ long tall glasses, with wine up to yar
An’ then somebody grabbed me, threw me outta my chair
Said before you can eat, you gotta dance like fred astaire
You know I can’t dance, you know I can’t dance
You know I can’t dance, you know I can’t dance
I can’t dance
I am a man of the road -- a hobo by name
I don’t seek entertainment, just poultry and game
But if it’s all the same to you, then yes I will try my hand
If you were as hungry as me then I’m sure you would understand
Hmmm
Now wait a minute
Let me see now
Of course I can dance of course I can dance
I’m sure I can dance, I’m sure I can dance..
I can dance
I can dance
I really hit the floor
Ah feels good
Look at me dancin’
I did a two-step, quick-step and a bossa nova
A little victor silvester, and a rudy valentino
You should a seen me movin’, right across the floor
Hand me down my tuxedo, next week I’m comin’ back for more
I can dance -- oh yes! I can dance
Look at me dancin’ the floor movin’
I feel good -- I can dance
I can dance, I can dance, I can dance.
Posted by: Tony.T | 07 February 2005 at 21:41
yeah....but can you SING?
Posted by: Brett Pee | 10 February 2005 at 02:50
Don't be stupid! Of course can. Err, can't.
Posted by: Tony.T | 10 February 2005 at 10:42
you are idiots you have stoped u2 coming to austrlia and they are my fav band and bono can sing you dirty idots you stop insulting u2 you dum stupid moreons uop yours they can sing better than all you put togeather so UP YOURS you shit HEADS
Posted by: ben knight | 13 August 2005 at 16:16
you are idiots you have stoped u2 coming to austrlia and they are my fav band and bono can sing you dirty idots you stop insulting u2 you dum stupid moreons UP YOURS they can sing better than all you put togeather so UP YOURS you shit HEADS
Posted by: ben knight | 13 August 2005 at 16:17
Errr....Quite eloquently said.
Posted by: Brett Pee | 13 August 2005 at 18:54
Thank you, Ben. I love you, too.
Posted by: Tony.T | 13 August 2005 at 20:55
"This song is not a rebel song, this song is Tuesday Bloody Tuesday!!" come on Ben sing along with me "Tuesdaaaayy bloody Tusedaaay, gotta do some clothes washing this Tusdaaaay" - wait sorry about that, I thought you were talking about Omo. My mistake.
Posted by: pat | 13 August 2005 at 22:02
you smart arse! the only omo around here is you so suck my ass you freakin tuesday luvin sputin bag.
Posted by: ben knight | 01 October 2005 at 23:15
i have a song for you pat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the lucksmiths: fear of rollercosters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you shit head
Posted by: ben knight | 01 October 2005 at 23:17
I wish you had done some research before defaming John MacHale. He dedicated his life to his flock. Claiming him responsible for the famine shows you have not bothered to investigate the politics of his day.
Posted by: Bobby Martin | 08 October 2005 at 23:15
THE IRISH ARE GREAT =]
Posted by: Amy =) | 08 October 2008 at 02:27