"Nothing pains some people more than having to drink ... errr ... think."
-- Martin Luther King, Jr
Nick Johnstone was a boozer, hitting the sauce bigtime from a young age. He's also a writer. Not sure he'll be the next Evelyn Waugh, Anthony Powell or George Orwell, he is a music critic, afterall. More likely he's got someone like Hunter Thompson in his sights. Or Fitzgerald, or Hemmingway. Anyhoo, he's written a book about life on the guzzle, A Head Full Of Blue; part of which immediately nabbed my attention.
: The responses in italics below each question are me harking back to the days when I was still on the fuel. It's been almost two years now, and while it sure is good (inadequate word selection) to have my act together, it's not hard to miss the good old bad old days. I might do a deeper analysis some day, but not tonight. I'm yet to get my head around this being off the sauce business and besides, I've other things to do. Like watching some cheesy vampire flick.
Alcoholism and the Facts caught my eye and I pulled it from the stack. There was a questionnaire on the back cover headed 'Are You An Alcoholic?'. I hurried through each question, answering yes or no.
- Do you lose time from work due to drinking? No.
Yes, of course I did. 'The Sickie' is an institution here.
- Is drinking making your home life unhappy? No.
Yes and No. I lived alone thinking up ways to kill public figures. Some guilt was involved. But only some.
- Do you drink because you are shy with other people? Yes.
Yes and No. I did it to put up with wankers I would normally ignore.
- Is drinking affecting your reputation? Yes.
Yes and No. What reputation?
- Have You ever felt remorse after drinking? Yes.
Yes. I'm dreadfully sorry, but yes, I have.
- Have you ever gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking? No.
No. I resent the implication I would ever associate with poor people.
- Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking? No.
Yes. Shit-kickers and low peasants made me look good by comparison.
- Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare? No.
Yes and No. Define careless.
- Has your ambition decreased since drinking? Yes.
Yes and No. What ambition?
- Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily? Yes.
Yes. It's was ALWAYS Beer O'Clock.
- Do you want a drink the next morning? No.
Yes. Who wants a hangover?
- Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping? Yes.
Yes. Not counting that time in jail. That bed was bloody uncomfortable.
- Has your efficiency decreased since drinking? Yes.
Yes.
- Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business? No.
Yes. "Whoah! Big night AGAIN, Tony?"
- Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble? Yes.
Yes. No worries about that.
- Do you drink alone? No.
Yes. See Question 2. Contact police.
- Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking? No.
Yes and No. Maybe. Yes OR No; I can't remember.
- Has your physician ever treated you for drinking? No.
No. Although he often asked how much I drank. I lied.
- Do you drink to build up your self-confidence? Yes.
Yes. Me-Man was Master of the Universe!
- Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking? No.
No, but I had my name down for The Warburton Clinic. Oh, unless you count getting stitched-up after a rumpus. Better make that Yes; four times.I answered Yes to nine of the twenty questions. I was relieved and about to put the book back on the sale trolley when I saw the footnote at the end of the questionnaire: 'If you have answered Yes to any one of these questions, there is a definite warning you may be an alcoholic. If you have answered Yes to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic. If you have answered Yes to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.'
As you can see, with around sixteen questions answered 'Yes', I slurped litres of laughing-lolly. And there weren't even any questions about throwing-up, drink-driving and general high-jinks.
My conclusion? With only nine, Johnstone just wasn't trying hard enough.
"I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk."
-- Winston Churchill
Righto. Off to school, then. There are some poor kids need mentoring. A role model, in fact.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 11:23
"To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group". I got 10 out of 20.
Posted by: RT | 04 February 2005 at 12:19
I only got six. I'll have to try harder.
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 04 February 2005 at 16:05
You people are soft. Rich, I hope you counted that time you hit me for 100 slides to play the pokies at the Bourbon. That's a pain that's never receded.
On a bright note, there are now 14 kids who are better human beings for my guidance.
Well, 13. Best not count the drooling lost-cause in the front row.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 17:17
Still cant get over the idea of you as a teacher. Hope your counting that time at Leederville Oval with the black-fellas among those four visits to the quack.
Posted by: DJ | 04 February 2005 at 19:12
Nothing wrong with the questions just the yardstick needs to be adjusted to be relevant to Australia. ie if you answered yes to only sixteen of these questions GET BACK TO THAT PUB AND DRINK ANOTHER MIDDIE!
Posted by: AdventureGirl | 04 February 2005 at 20:17
Who is General High Jinks?
An old drinking buddy?
Posted by: boynton | 04 February 2005 at 20:35
Deej, that incident falls under the umbrella of general high-jinks. Seeing as how no blood was spilt and I only got a black-eye.
They're "pots" down here in Braxtoria, Addy. None of your strange northern "middie" talk please. But. Ay.
Boynty: General High Jinks was a very naughty boy. He cashed in his commission, though, and does things he never did before. New things. Like driving on Saturday nights.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 22:12
Didn't know you were back on the turps, Tone.
Posted by: slatts | 04 February 2005 at 22:23
But I'm not. Hmmm. I'd better have another read of my post, make sure I conveyed the message accurately.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 22:44
"I make you skip whitey!"
Posted by: DJ | 04 February 2005 at 23:08
Dunno why the crazy bastard hit me! It wasn't me pinched his girlfriend. Pity I never saw the punch coming or I would have done what Patto did and hit him with the slab.
Oh well, just not quick enough on the day.
Posted by: Tony.T | 04 February 2005 at 23:19
Yaaarrrgh yaaa fuckkkin carzzzzz...... I'll fight the lot of yer bloooorrrgh.......fuckin carnzzzz...................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............'ooo stole me fuckin Nikes? I'll farkin satb you all.......zzzzzzzzzzz.......
Posted by: A Former Student | 04 February 2005 at 23:28
I don't reckon on my chances of laying off the booze Tony- sometimes it's the only way to understand this crazy bloody planet of ours. Two whole years ? Really ?
Posted by: Brett Pee | 05 February 2005 at 01:55
Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . . against bars, poles and tables.
Don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria.
Reality is an illusion created by the lack of alcohol.
Why are there more old drunks than old doctors?
and finally for you Tony,
Drink and the world drinks with you. Swear off and you drink alone.
Posted by: CB | 05 February 2005 at 09:28
Don't worry, CB. I get by; I swear alone.
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 13:14
And Christ, that vampire filck was rubbish! Just what the hell has happened to John Carpenter? He used to be good, dammit!
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 13:15
Glad you've held the line there for 2 yrs now Tony.
I only got a pathetic 7 of those but I just can't recall how I would have answered in my student days...
Posted by: Rob de Santos | 05 February 2005 at 13:28
Up until 2 years ago, I thought my student days were still with me.
Still do, if the truth be told. Although, I'm listening to a lot of classical music lately. Don't think I would have done much of that in the old days.
I must be getting old.
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2005 at 13:31
Am proud (well ... sort of) to say that I high scored. Also score highly (> 97 %) on a similar bulls**t test by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. God, Jeebus & also Cthulu preserve us from the Attack of the Undead Puritans.
Posted by: SM | 06 February 2005 at 18:10
That's the ticket, SM. Someone needs to pick up the slack.
Posted by: Tony.T | 07 February 2005 at 21:39