TOOL TIME

Take a good hard look at the following word.

Cock.

Of itself, not an exceptional word. Not at all coelenterate, allegorical, Byelorussian, or even fish. Yes, fish. Say it slowly; fiiisssssshhhhhh.

However, a healthy body of evidence would appear to contradict my assertion. Byelorussian, for instance, would merely descibe a resident of Minsk -- that or Minskys. And given the number of American cop show John Does that turn out to be Slavs with bad fillings, possibly imply a poor standard of dentistry. Not so cock.

Cock 1: Obscene term for penis. 2: Faucet consisting of a rotating device for regulating flow of a liquid. 3: The part of a gunlock that strikes the percussion cap when the trigger is pulled. 4: Adult male bird. 5: Tilt or slant to one side. 6: Set the trigger of a firearm back for firing. 7: To walk with a lofty proud gait, often in an attempt to impress others.

That's not all, click on the link for even more cock. Swift and cock. Shakespeare and cock. Hoop and cock. Snoot cocking. Hat cocking. Arrow cocking. Doodle-doo and cock. That's a lot of cock.

But. Why am I raising cock?

Well, last night I watched Australian Cricket in the 80's, an OK doco, which, confirming a pragmatic approach to titling, was about Australian cricket in the 80's. It wasn't a bad show, I'd give it a pass, but there WAS one problem. Even though the 80's may seem an absolute eon ago, what with the big hair and the pet rocks and the apple shampoo and Elton John being married, they weren't that long ago. The upshot was it told me nothing new. Except, that is, for Bob Willis calling Ian Botham "Golden Bollocks".

Oy! While you're on bollocks, what about your COCK?!?

Oh. Right. Sorry. After I'd watched the cricket show, I flipped channels and lobbed on The Montreal Comedy Festival (10) just as Tim "Tool Time" Allen was riffing about cocks.

You needn't be bored with excessive details, you've probably been bored enough already, but it wasn't funny. In fact, it was decidedly unfunny.

I suspect the audience found it lacking in funny also. Oh, they laughed all right, at least some of them did, but you got the feeling they did so out of pity. Or obligation. They were, afterall, at a comedy festival and having been denied the requisite laugh per dollar quotient were probably intent on extracting some value for money. But you could nevertheless detect an note of embarrassment.

Anyway, it was rubbish. Will Anderson came on after, so I changed the channel.

Comments

[Martin Pike]

I knew that was what inspired this post as soon as I saw it. C'mon, he wasn't that bad. ANd I hate his TV show- but his delivery of the word was quite witty overall.

There were varying standards of comedy. Perhaps the best was an aussie with bizzare facial expressions, who did a stint on people who sit next to you on the train (and how you can scare them off).

If you wanted a real belly laugh though, on another channel was Who Wants To Be A Millionare, where Eddy McGuire assumes the role of someone really intelligent.

[Sedgwick]

Classic curate's egg it was. Saw all but the 1st half hr. (The naughty kaa-kaa child in me watches South Park.)

A few were excellent. Some were good enough. More were tres ordinaire.

Martin, TT and I are right about Tim the Tool's *performance*. You cut too much slack for your own good young lad. (We're older and wiser and probably have put up with more crap comedy than has been good for either of us.) I cringed - and I didn't mind his TV show until it became really repetetive and very punchline flagging.

[Tony.T]

Agree with Sedge, Pikey. Considering he's done stand-up for years, Tim's timing and delivery bloody well ought to be good, but the subject material was the kind of stuff the kids in my classes giggle about when I start to bore them. They giggle a lot.

And Jumping The Shark is a term invented specifically for shows such as Home Improvement. OK to start with (for about one series) and thereafter painfully prolonged to extract a sponsor's dollar.

[Martin Pike]

I assume you old codgers don't go in for Friends then. I was subject to its final episode by she who must be obeyed last night, and I raised a toast as the credits rolled (which earned me a thump!).

Another good laugh out there is the donald trump reality TV show- or just the last 10 minutes- watching wannabe corporate high-flyers begging not to be fired, and the look on their faces when they get trumped, is a good accompaniment to a well-poured single malt...

[Tony.T]

This codger flipped off Friends when he saw Jamie Drury was in it. Then he flipped back on a while later and was surprised that the annoying Phoebe Thing actually said something funny. Can't remember what it was, mind you. Bit like the show in general. It's got a touch of the fairy floss about it. Watch five minutes and it's OK, watch ten and you get a raging guts-ache. Then on both counts, you forget about it five minutes later.

I've not seen any of the Trump show yet.

[Sedgwick]

The cross species breeding programme that combined the one trick pony with the jumping shark has populated TV with a lot of 'dogs'.

(No. I don't know what that means either, read it on a Fantales wrapper back in 1788. Might be late Confucian.)

[Martin Pike]

You're confusing your confucian with your confusion...

[Tony.T]

It's a one-trick shark, and it's very confounding.

With teeth.

[Tony.T]

Ahem ... it's finny.

[Harry Hutton]

In Portuguese, too, they have the same word for male chicken and one's dong. There is a song that goes "My father's cock ran away with the neighbour's chicken". From a musical point of view it is fucking dreadful, but it scores well on the puns.

In Brazilian "chicken" -galinha- means someone who sleeps around a lot, I believe. I can sing it for you, if you like.

O pinto do meu pai,
fugiu com a galinha da vizinha!
Já procurei de noite,
já procurei de dia.
O pinto!

[Tony.T]

Galinha? They have such interesting words in Brazil. Having said that, it's probably pronounced "Glah", or something equally drab.

Romario. Rivaldo. Ronaldo. Pele. Socrates. Rio. I can pronounce them. At least Rio has a last name. What gives? The people have one name, but the cities have two.

However, attractive at it first appeared, I had some trouble pacing your Portuguese song. Not exactly up with my South American metre.

[Flute]

I'm with the old crowd on this one. The "cock" skit by the toolman was woeful. Molly Sugden's pussy in Are you being served? was much funnier (and that was shite too). In fact a lot of the comedy on offer was obvious and banal. I did like Keith Barron up to a point. And how about that WWF wrestler - wow what a hoot. And Boothby's song "Bungie Girl" would have been a cracker as a one verser.

Very average.

[Tony.T]

Sounds frightful and appalling, Flutey. Pity I missed it.

As I said, I only saw the Toolman flashing his cock ...

gags.

Boom. Tish.

[Flute]

The funny lyrics to bungie girl were along the lines of:

Here she comes
There she goes
She's here again
No I'm alone

Bungie girl

[Tony.T]

Whoa! That's powerful stuff. No doubt, in the poignant tradition of all great bungie jumping love songs, he cut the rope.

[Ferombah Hynde]

Great post, Tony. Facking hilarious.
Did not see the stand-up, but having seen his tv show, I don't doubt that it was as funny as a terminal disease.

[Big Ramifications]

Good. So it wasn't just me then. I thought these festivals are supposed to be funny, and that I must have just been in a bad mood. I gave up after the first half dozen acts or so.

The pommie dude with no eyes was quite good.
The black dude at the start was boring.
Tim Allen was terrible.
The Iranian fella was woeful.
The ventriloquist was just plain unfunny.
The Irish guy was OK at best.
Wil Anderson's routine in New York was freakin' pathetic. (And I'd like to point out that his jumbo / light aircraft joke was a blatant rip off of Rodney Rude's 20+ year old quarter pounder / junior burger joke.)

BTW, nobody pronounces the word "cock" better than Rodney Rude. How you can put so much feeling and annunciation into a one-syllable word I will never know.

[Snr Nubi]

Missed that crap on 10 on Monday night & on 9 too. I'm with Big Rama TT re R Rude (not Ravishing Rick Rude - RIP) on the Comedy Store, with the likes of Rick Carter (as seen on Wildside..with Rev Bob), Garry Who (who..?), a young Vince Sorretti and every other comic tryin to turn a buck in the early 8O's.

[hungbunny]

Tony, you may be interested in this:
http://www.tw.co.th/cgi-bin/product_item.cfm?g=143
It combines the words "cock" and "fish" in one very smelly product. Go on, click, I dare you.

[Brett Pee]

Isn't it Cockeney slang as well ? Like in the phrase "Have yer got the time on yer cock?" I hasten to add that i'm not referring to a timepiece fitted on ones appendage.

[Martin Pike]

Can I say though that there is no finer word for a woman to use to describe that part of the male anatomy.

Especially if she has a quite refined or posh voice...

[Tony.T]

Thanks, Ferombah. You know, terminal disease is a step up from the later versions of Home Improvement.

All I can say, Big, is I'm gald I only saw about ten minutes of it.

I can't work that out, Nubie. Do you, or don't you like Rodney Rude. Surely you can't like Vince Sorrenti. That's like saying you like George Smilovich. Or Rod Quantock.

That link timed out, Hung. Just, you know, asking, but is that a good thing?

That's the Eight-Day Clock, Brett.

Pikey, posh voices swearing always sound good. Have you seen Withnail & I?

[hungbunny]

Aw, that's a shame. It was for 'Cock' brand Thai fish sauce, that's all. Mmmmm, fermented anchovies...

[Tony.T]

Hung, now I'm home, I tried that link and it worked.

ORIENTAL SESONINGS / FISH SAUCE / BRAND : COCK

I anticipated a rather more cringeworthy outcome. I'm sorry, but I feel let down.

[hungbunny]

You deserved better. I am hanging my head in shame.

[Tony.T]

I think I did. But it's ok, I'll pull through.