After Grog Blog

CRITIC PROOF NONSENSE?

Rabbit Proof Fence is on telly tonight. I mention this not because I think anyone should watch it, no no no, I mention it because I thought RPF was critic proof and was surprised to spot this scathing Clark Forbes review in today's Hun.

Stolen children, brutal coppers, uncaring bureaucrats, an epic outback journey by three Aboriginal children, a Hollywood based director returning to remind us what a rotten lot we were. How could this politically correct story fail with the art-house crowd? One Star

Speaking of the art-house crowd, the wannabes hanging about in the lobby anyway, here's Rob Lowing, Melbourne's worst film critic in the ... well, take a guess.

The kids are the stars in this plainly made version of the autobiographical book by Nugi Garimara (Doris Pilkington). The story is a heartbreaker: under orders from a ruthless 1930's official (Kenneth Branagh), three girls are taken from their families to be "civilised" (translation: trained as cheap labour for menial jobs in white society). But the feisty children refuse to submit and set out to walk the long way home. Director Phillip Noyce (The Quiet American) delivers a brisk catalogue of encounters and confrontations. Four Stars

That's right, The Sunday Age, where Rob trained as cheap labour for menial jobs in "elite" society.

Let's face the facts, when a "critic" gives the flat, flaccid and way over-rated Dirty Rotten Scoundrels five stars, as Lowing did today, they fork over any credibility they may have been accidentally granted. Films such as DRS become over-rated precisely because of fatheads such a Lowing. For the record, Clark Forbes gives it three stars and I give it one-and-a-half with one star automatically deducted due to my Steve Martin Rule.

SHOW US YOUR WRITS

Romania. What a place!

'Porn star' judge faces expulsion

A female judge faces expulsion in Romania for allegedly starring in a porn movie. Judge Simona Lungu, from the Bucharest Municipal Court, denies the allegations and says she's been framed. But a committee of experts have concluded that she did star in the film after analysing the video and photographs of the judge.

Romania. Country of Experts.

As it happens, my technical assistant at work is Romanian. He reckons it's a great place, but on the whole, what with the craziness and the dictators and the vampires, he'd rather be here.

SCREECH IMPEDIMENT

Not only is Glen Mitchell a prolific Aussie wicket taker, he's also caught a toxic dose of the Jim Maxwells.

Mitchell, like Maxwell, seems to assume every test match is boring and, as a commentator, feels he has to spruik it up an in the process, ruin the ebb and flow of the match ...

Kumble bowls, Martyn comes forward ...

THERE'S AN APPEAL!!!!!!!!

... not out.

Glen, old stoat, it's test cricket ... on a dodgy pitch. Ring any bells? No? Well, it's exciting ... BY ITSELF!!!!!!!! Note my moderate tone. Don't screech when bugger all has happened.

PITCH SLAPPED

Dead Rubber + Chase = Loss

You know something, part of me wishes EVERY test pitch was an absolute shocker. Dodgy ODI pitches nearly always deliver great games, and in tests the cricket is invariably absorbing, but of course, it would mean rampant manipulation, just like this test, leading to a spate of two-day tests, just like this test. Personally, I think there should be more test cricket, not less. Especially if the "less" turns out to be two-day ODIs. Test cricket is so much better, afterall. I like fast bowlers too.

However, that was India's best chance, wasn't it? The plan was to catch the Aussies on minefields in EVERY test, not just this one. Sadly, Australia got the jump in Bangalore, the last day was washed out in Chennai, and then it all went wrong in Nagpur when the pitch was a good one. It's no doubt why Sourav Ganguly was so upset; India weren't playing well and he always knew this Mumbai pitch was going to be a disgrace and he would be denied his best chance to pinch the series.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.

So Australia lost again courtesy of the Dead Rubber Syndrome. Big deal. As soon as Michael Clarke -- Micknugget to his mates -- took 6 wickets, you knew Australia would struggle, the only disappointment is the Aussies have lost YET ANOTHER close one, that's a big-time piss-off, but ever since Australia became No.1 they've made an artform of losing these matches.

If it means we stay No.1, long may it continue.

MICKNUGGET

All Aussie cricketers need nicknames. It's the law. Michael Clarke is no exception. Well, except in his case, he needs a mickname. Cough.

Now, if I was a test player, which I'm not, not while I'm awake anyway, no doubt I'd go with something tried and true such as Tugga, Tubby, Warnie, Junior, Pidge, Punter, Pistol, Haydos, Kaspro, Marto, Ritz, Gnome.B.N, Gilly or Gill-Pie ... err Dizzy. So Clarko's the go, or Clarkey.

On the other hand, if I was a fully sick cool dude, I'd be picking Clicketty or The Clarkmeister. Phwoah!

However, because I'm both hip AND boring I've got every angle covered. I give you Michael Clarke ... Micknugget.

Update: Guess what? I just remembered Clarkes are Nobbys not Nuggets. That's several delicate layers of shimmering, subtle humour fallen flatter than a shit-carter's hat. I'm a nobhead.

MOZZIE MOZZIE MOZZIE

Spanky's right, the pitch is a shocker, there's no chance of any batsman getting comfortable and cruising to a big score. This pitch is all about grafting runs.

Which means we don't need the Aussie commentators mozzing even more batsmen than usual.

1) Michael Slater ...

"Hayden is looking more comfortable the more he stays there ... He's out."

2) Glen Mitchell ...

"India are going to regret dropping Clarke ... He's out."

3) Mitchell again ...

"Gilchrist is looking dangerous and is set to cut loose ... He's out."

Just tell us the fuck what is happening NOW and don't even go near what might happen LATER, you wicket taking freaks! SHUT UP!

BUM PUNCH?

Pink Gin?

Thanks Aybee, who enjoys the occasional drink.

JIMBECILE

Now look, whoever you are, unless you're looking for a Mitsubishi to shift volcanic waste, it's NOT ...

Magna carter

or

The Magna Carter

or

MAGNA CARTER

or even magma carver, mogma clover or Dagmar Craver. It's Magna Carta OR Jim Carter.

WHAT'S THE BUZZ?

Last week I was listening to Phillip Adams chat to ... someone ... I forget, anyway, he mentioned that the Electric Vibrator was the First Ever electrical appliance.

Now, being something of an expert in the field of electrical stuff, although definitely not an expert in dildonics, or in fact, sex toys in general, penis enlargers, butt plugs, cock rings, anal beads ... or any other stuff I've NEVER even heard of ... not even once, I figured Adams was talking porkies. Afterall, it wouldn't be the first time he's dicked us around. Ahem.

It's the sewing machine.

The Vibrator Family Tree

We love them, the girls of Sex and the City worship them and sales for these amazing little sex toys are booming, but how much do we really know about them? Shapes, colors, sizes and actions are limitless today, but what inspired the creation of the vibrator—the woman's best friend? In their new book, the women from Good Vibrations explain that "the illustrious history of the electric vibrator began in 1869 with the invention of a steam-powered massager, patented by an American doctor. This device was designed as a labor-saving medical tool for use in the treatment of "female disorders." Within twenty years, a British doctor followed up with a more portable battery-operated model, and by 1900 dozens of styles of electric vibrators were available to the discriminating medical professional" (134).

I suppose that makes sense, afterall, the electric train did start with the steam kettle.

Electric Vibrators

Electromechanical vibrators were first used in medicine in 1878 and were available as a consumer product by 1900. The vibrator was the 5th home appliance to be electrified. It was preceded by the sewing machine, fan, teakettle, and the toaster. It would be another ten years before the electric vacuum, iron, and frying pan became available as consumer products.

BO COMMENT

During this, the first week of November 2004, the top songs in the pop charts of Australia, the UK and the US are Out Of The Blue by Delta Goodrem, Wonderful by Ja Rule featuring R.Kelly & Ashanti and My Boo by Usher and Alicia Keys.

I didn't know that.

Nor did I know that 30 years ago, during the first week of November way back in 1974, the top songs in the same three charts were The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace, Everything I Own by Ken Boothe and You Haven't Done Nothin' by Stevie Wonder.

It may surprise you to know, but out of those six songs, the only one I know is The Night Chicago Died.

What you probably DID know was that also in 1974, Paper Lace had another monster hit with Billy, Don't Be A Hero. Most everyone knows Billy, Dont Be a Hero, it even cracked a turn in Rezzer-Voyer Dogs.

However, and here's the rub, Billy was a No.1 hit in both Australia and Great Britain as sung by Paper Lace, BUT, and you can see from the capital letters, it's a big BUT, at the very same time it was Top o' The Pops in the USA as sung by Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods.

How about them apples?

And before you start shouting "Bo WHO and the WHATWOODS?" they weren't no OHW, they had plenty of other success with Special Someone, Deeper and Deeper, Who Do You Think You Are, The Heartbreak Kid, House on Telegraph Hill and Our Last Song Together.

Just that I've never heard of them.

BORIS MINOR

When a headline quotes a captive "pleading for his or her country to leave Iraq" it's utter balls. What they're really doing is "pleading for his or her life" while a vicious murderer holds a knife to their throat and tells them what to say. And although the papers know it, they're only too keen to play up public compassion.

Pointing out the compassion obsession dropped Boris Johnson right in it, and the fact he's a Tory MP further skewed matters, but he had every right to point it out. His problem wasn't lack of compassion, but lack of discretion, specifically timing and he "was hounded into a grovelling apology".

The thing is, was he wrong? Mark Latham's "Tory Ho", Janet Albrechtsen doesn't think so.

Let's cut out the hypocritical compassion

TODAY all eyes are on the US presidential election. Iraq and the war on terror are front and centre of the political battle between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat contender John Kerry. In 2000, Bush sold himself as a "compassionate conservative". Today, few would describe the US President that way. And that is a good thing because, let's face it, sometimes compassion just won't cut it. In a post-September 11 world, our compassion addiction is turning out to be al-Qa'ida's best friend.

MELBOURNE CARP

Over the last two days in the Herald Sun alone, there have been 57 articles on the Melbourne Cup. That doesn't include form guides and wraps, but does include brief items on celebrities in frocks, and, I assume, briefs.

There were only 4 on cricket.

2003 - Makabe Diva 2002 - Media Puzzle 2001 - Ethereal 2000 - Brew 1999 - Rogan Josh 1998 - Jezabeel 1997 - Might and Power 1996 - Saintly 1995 - Doriemus 1994 - Jeune 1993 - Vintage Crop 1992 - Subzero 1991 - Let's Elope 1990 - Kingston Rule 1989 - Tawriffic 1988 - Empire Rose 1987 - Kensei 1986 - At Talaq 1985 - What a Nuisance 1984 - Black Knight 1983 - Kiwi

1982 - Gurner's Lane 1981 - Just a Dash 1980 - Beldale Ball 1979 - Hyperno 1978 - Arwon 1977 - Gold And Black 1976 - Ver Der Hum 1975 - Think Big 1974 - Think Big 1973 - Gala Supreme 1972 - Piping Lane 1971 - Silver Knight 1970 - Baghdad Note 1969 - Rain Lover 1968 - Rain Lover 1967 - Red Handed 1966 - Galilee 1965 - Light Fingers 1964 - Polo Prince 1963 - Gatum Gatum 1962 - Even Stevens

You'll be surprised to know that originally there was no Melbourne Cup. Just Melbourne. There were grubby gold miners, speculators, Irish bread thieves and poor sewerage, but there was no Melbourne Cup.

That was until 1861, at which point the first Melbourne Cup was run. This turned out to be fortunate for Archer, who won that year, but wouldn't have if there was no race.

However, it's wrong to call it the Melbourne Cup. Although there were many, many cups in Melbourne, and for that matter, plates, pots and assorted cutlery, there was no actual Melbourne Cup cup. Or, as it transpired, any trophy at all.

Update: Archer won £170 and a gold watch. Archer walked to Melbourne from Nowra up in New South Wales (800 km). Not only that, Nowra spelled backwards is Arwon. That's the name of the gee-gee that won the 1978 Melbourne Cup and which also came from Nowra, but unlike Archer, had an owner fond of puns.

In fact, the first trophy was not awarded until Tory Boy won in 1865 and Tory Boy didn't win a cup, Tory Boy won a bowl. Tory Boy won the Melbourne Cup bowl.

In 1867 Tim Whiffler, that's the horse, won a trophy called Alexander Taming the Horse. This was an ostentatious item of silverware with Tim's name engraved on one side along with the figure of a winged lady. Kind of like Batgirl, but with classical gravitas.

Briseis won in 1876 and has the distinction of being the first horse to win a Melbourne Cup cup. So no one would mistake it for the Caulfield Cup, the Sydney Cup or, in case of stupid people, The Cox Plate, it was engraved with the words Melbourne Cup 1876.

For some reason, possibly caprice, in 1888 when Mentor won the race the Melbourne Cup cup was out and three ornate horses mounted on a silver base were in.

The following year, 1889, proved to be a controversial one vis-a-vis the goodies. Bravo won the race, but it's quite possible the connections weren't yelling "Bravo!" because the trophy was now neither a cup, a bowl, or a statue, it was a silver tea and coffee set and was deemed unacceptable. I couldn't find out who did the deeming. Whether it was the winners knocked it back, or the race organisers I don't know. Either way, it would appear someone wasn't particularly chuffed and a cup was back in vogue the next year.

Come 1891 when Malvolio won the bikkies, cups were out and good old fashioned ... err ... old stuff was in. A figure of the Roman goddess, Victory, distributing olive wreaths to jockeys was selected as the appropriate trophy for the occasion.

In 1894 the US sneezed and Australia caught pneumonia. What's that got to do with horse-racing? Well, from 1894 to 1898 Australia suffered a severe economic depression and it was decided trophies had a touch of the flaunt about them. No doubt the good burghers on the VRC committee thought they'd do the right thing by the poor slobs on the bread-lines. Did they even have bread-lines then? Probably gruel-lines. So five horses, Patron, Auraria, Newhaven, Gaulus and The Grafter missed out on shiny baubles.

Happily for all, not the least the poor slobs on the gruel-lines, who by this time would have been mighty sick of gruel, the cup was back in 1899 and won by Merriwee.

Come 1908 and Lord Nolan won a plaque with a picture of a galloping horse. Interestingly, the picture was likened by many to a greyhound, but I'm sure Lord Nolan didn't mind. Horses being, as they are, rather more interested in carrots, sugar cubes and grass, and not known to possess a critic's artistic discernment. Horses, per se, are not connoisseurs.

Prince Foote was the winner in 1909 and was awarded a silver centrepiece. I can't vouch for what Prince Foote thought of the trophy, and what's more, I have no idea what a centrepiece is. Doubtless it's the centre of something, centre of what, I couldn't say. Though I'm sure it's a step up from coffee mugs and tea-pots.

Patrobas in 1915 was fortunate to win a rose bowl. Not quite sure if that's a bowl for roses or a rose coloured bowl. Not that it matters, and no doubt Patrobus and connections were happy to win it.

Finally, remember the name Artilleryman. In 1919 it won the three-handled loving cup that is the trophy we have to this day and which back then cost approximately £200 but which now costs $32,000.

CARRY ON LISTING

Today is deemed Kenneth Williams Day. To commemorate this auspicious occasion, I list for you all 32 (yes, 32) Carry On films. It's the least I can do.

Carry On ... 1) Carry On Sergeant (1958) 2) Carry On Nurse (1959) 3) Carry On Teacher (1959) 4) Carry On Constable (1959) 5) Carry On Regardless (1961) 6) Carry On Cruising (1962) 7) Carry On Cabby (1963) 8) Carry On Jack (1963) 9) Carry On Spying (1964) 10) Carry On Cleo (1964) 11) Carry On Cowboy (1965) 12) Carry On Screaming! (1966) 13) Carry On Don't lose your Head (1966) 14) Carry On Follow that Camel (1967) 15) Carry On Doctor (1967) 16) Carry On up the Khyber (1968) 17) Carry On Camping (1969) 18) Carry On Again Doctor (1969) 19) Carry On Up the Jungle (1970) 20) Carry On Loving (1970) 21) Carry On Henry (1971) 22) Carry On At your Convenience (1971) 23) Carry On Matron (1972) 24) Carry On Abroad (1972) 26) Carry On Girls (1973) 27) Carry On Dick (1974) 28) Carry On Behind (1975) 29) Carry On England (1976) 30) That's Carry On (1978) 31) Carry On Emmannuelle (1978) 32) Carry On Columbus (1992)

Did you know, no you probably didn't, that in 1987 when I was living in South London, at 6:00 PM each weeknight, there was a Carry On film on BBC 2. Now that was something to look forward to after a hard day at the office wasn't it?

Not quite so appealing is tonight's viewing at the same time -- "Jamie Theakston hosts a general knowledge quiz show in which contestants can lie and backstab as much as they want in an attempt to win thousands of pounds. Not knowing the answers doesn't always matter, because they can beg, borrow or steal them from their opponents." Who Wants To Be A Survivor? Sounds rivetting.

Did you also know, I'm sure this time you did, that in German "Carry On, Don't Lose Your Head" is translated as; "Tragen Sie an verlieren nicht Ihren Kopf"? Quite the little chortle.

Cranking up the laughs, should you translate that back, it would read; "Carry you to lose not your head". Those Germans. Now, that IS funny, I'm sure Sid James would approve.

BMX PUNDIT

True, I consider horse-racing to be more than extremely boring, painfully tedious even, but in researching the Cox Plate, I came across this Ode to Perdition.

The Jewel Of the Spring

Words need not describe it when you're basking in the roar
And your voice is hoarse from yelling like you've never yelled before
Conversation fails you as the moment is digested
The old bloke spoke of shivers - it was just as he suggested

To read on any further would leave me sorely tested.

I'm a trooper though, and pushed on regardless. However, when I got to this verse, I stopped for a double take because even me with my limited knowledge of the caper is pretty damn sure the Cox Plate was never sponsored by BMX.

They did the same for Hydrogen, for Chatham, Flight and Delta
For Tranquil Star and Tobin Bronze, this mare has been a belter
They all deserve to grace that BMX Cox Plate
Rising fast, Heroic - Its simple twist of fate

ENGLAND EXCEPTS

Hardy har har:

Nelson

How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations.

While we're talking tall-ships, there's something I've often wondered. Apart, that is, from why the toilet was at the front. You know, with the splash back, streaking, smearing, stench and all that. Anyhoo, I've always wondered whether or not modern day swabbies on say, New Endeavour, armed with their ipods, GPS's, fresh limes and toilet paper, are allowed to shimmy up into the mizzen-fore-top-royal-spankers. Well, are they?