After Grog Blog

PULL YOUR WOOD!

Crank yanking Frankston council are a humourless pack of wankers ... and it seems the Herald Sun has imported a pack of London Sun punsters to cover the story. Great work by the way ...

A GIANT wooden penis that stood proudly in a Frankston front yard has been forced down under pressure from angry authorities.

Frankston Council ordered the 170cm sculpture be removed after it gave some residents a major case of the willies.

But its proud creators, IT specialist Brett O'Neill and mate Dean Janssen, insisted the wooden piece was a work of art and should not have been manhandled by the long arm of the law.

"A lot of statues in people's yards have penises, what's wrong with this?" Mr O'Neill said.

The phallic feature was created by Mr O'Neill and Mr Janssen, who after a few beers, decided it would be a good idea to shape a tree stump at the front of Mr O'Neill's home.

Not just a good idea, the boys had a vision ...

Mr O'Neill said he even planned to eventually turn it into a fountain, with water cascading from the top into a rock pool and fish pond at the base.

And sad neighbours ...

"I am sorely disappointed I didn't get to see it as a water feature," Rhonda Jones said.

Sadly in every neighbourhood there's always a ... ho ho ... wet blanket ...

Another neighbour, who declined to be named, described the penis as an eyesore and said he was especially annoyed when the creators put two large boulders at its base.

Perhaps the Frankston council should be employed to vet what is -- and isn't -- "appropriate" in our national galleries. They can pull some publicly funded pud.

UPDATE: Slatts has a bigger one. Aaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ... I kill me.

APU NAAWEDONTLIKEYOURBANNER

I meant to post this gem the other day. When I saw it I laughed until I stopped:

A CRICKET fan at the centre of an MCG racism claim has defended a banner that taunted Indian supporters.

Melbourne cricket enthusiast Matthew Collins, 24, said his 2m banner - "Who's minding the Kwik-E-Mart?" - had been aimed at getting him and his friends on television, not at sparking controversy.

SNATCH & GRAB A GRANNY

Beats a morning shopping for gnomes....

A 74-year-old woman was taken on a white-knuckle ride through Melbourne's streets today after a robber stole her car without realising she was still in it.

Melbourne. Is. Crime.

WORD GAMES

Courtesy of "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" -- or in this case, "ask it" -- here's a case of sneakily placed bias.

The Age General Knowledge Crossword....

25 Across: Who sacked the democratically elected government of Australia in 1975?

Keep up the rage, Comrade Compiler.

IT'S JUST NOT PICKET

Here in Braxtoria, whenever police action is proposed against a picket line, the government is asked if it will intervene. It's stock response -- almost rote -- is: "Operational matter. We won't intervene."

And rightly so.

However, a more appropriate question might be: "If police command made an operational decision to enforce the law -- and move on picketers -- would you support them?"

In other words, are we supposed to believe Bracks would support the police in a confrontation with the unionistas? The very people who comprise Labor's greatest support base.

Fat chance.

Anyhoo, this time round let's ignore the government's tacit acquiescence to it's union mates' thuggery and obstruction, and instead enjoy the irony of The Age asking Bracks for some picket busting action. Action The Age has regularly criticised.

Under Kennett anyway.

Fairfax appeal to Bracks over picket

FAIRFAX chief executive Fred Hilmer made a desperate plea to Victorian Premier Steve Bracks last Friday afternoon asking him to force police to help get the Saturday issue of The Age through a union picket line.

But Mr Bracks is understood to have refused, telling Professor Hilmer the police response was an operational matter and the Government would not intervene.

As a result, police hung back and the Australian Manufacturing Workers Union picket line at the Tullamarine printing press held until 8am, preventing home delivery of the news section of The Age's crucial Saturday edition.

Sources say Mr Bracks pointed out to Professor Hilmer that The Age had editorialised from time to time against political interference in police operational matters.

In a desperate bid to get the paper out, the company's Sydney-based group operations manager Peter Graham flew to Melbourne at about 11pm on Friday.

It is understood the Government's concession to Fairfax was to have the secretary of the Department of Premier and Cabinet, Terry Moran, and Mr Bracks's chief of staff, Tim Pallas, broker a meeting between Mr Graham and senior police at 4pm on Saturday at Broadmeadows police station.

Phone contact was kept with senior union officials, including AMWU state secretary Dave Oliver, during which they were threatened with lawsuits if they did not promise to allow The Sunday Age to be produced. The union gave the commitments and the paper came out.

The dispute is over redundancies at the old Spencer Street press. Police descended on the Tullamarine press last night. Union observers estimated 50 officers, including mounted police, blocked access by road.

SANTA O'HELPER

Wicky has the oil. I have the name.

RING OF SATIRE

What goes around, comes around -- even with haemorrhoid humour. First there was the anus ... err ... rumpus over Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Now over at Achewood, Ray's got a sting in the tail ...

THE STRIPPER

There's been the "Shooter", the "Zooter", the "Flipper", the "Gipper" -- whatever -- Shane Warne's got a new ball:

SHANE WARNE might have a surprise for Sri Lankan spinner Muthiah Muralidaran.

The Victorian leg-spinner has been developing a new delivery for next month's Test series in Sri Lanka.

As Warne and Muralidaran race to become the world's No. 1 Test wicket-taker, the Australian has been secretly working on a new ball.

"He's talked about a lot of different deliveries, but I might have a new one up my sleeve," Warne revealed yesterday.

SO ... ERR ... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Courtesy of the one they call Mike, I am....

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Considered by many to be one of the funniest people around, you are quite an entertainer. You've also traveled to the far reaches of what you deem possible, often confused and unsure of yourself. Life continues to jostle you around like a marble, but it's shown you so much of the world that you don't care. Wacky adventures continue to lie ahead. Your favorite number is 42.

Ahem. My favourite number is NOT 42.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

THERE AIN'T NO STICKY CLAUSE

Terry Sedgewick -- he's a moveable type. Now with the bonus new and approved rapid load feature.

DIM WEBSTER - BOOTLICK

Today in The Australian, Patrick Smith gives Tim Webster a vicious beating, but still credits Tim with some talent. At some things. He doesn't exactly outline what those "some things" might be -- probably can't think of anything -- but at an outside stretch he might just mean Tim has a dazzlingly clear voice and a staggering ability to read an autocue.

Other than that -- given a total lack of overt evidence in support of any other undisplayed "talent" -- we can only guess....

CHANNEL 10 presenter Tim Webster is a talented man. At some things. As an interviewer he is obsequious. He was at his worst for the Ladies Masters reception this week.

He interviewed Annika Sorenstam, Laura Davies and Karrie Webb - all three women have dominated the world rankings for a decade - and treated them as though they were nine years old with a combined IQ of 30. Previously on television he had described Australian Rachel Teske as a "sweetie".

Strong men and women alike cringed. It was not helped that there was only one microphone for the interview and it screeched every time Webster moved it back and forth. The microphone, of course, may have just been protesting that it was forced to be part of such an uncomfortable 15 minutes.

With just one microphone it also meant Webster had to lean close to the women, making the interviews seem even more fawning. If that was possible.

Perhaps he has nice hair. Good teeth maybe. It certainly isn't a knowledge of sport.

Among friends of this blogger he attracts the ultimate insult. Comparisons with -- among others -- Richard Wilkins, Molly Meldrum and Bruce McAvaney in his gushier moments. In otherwords, a shill. Bruce, at least, knows his gear.

How Tim still gets a gig in the face of almost universal derision amongst Aussie sports fans, is one of life's more perplexing questions.

ALL THE PRESIDENT MEN

Apart from the obvious, what have these guys got in common?

George Washington: Sword of the Revolution / The Old Fox / Sage of Mount Vernon / Father of his Country

John Adams: Atlas of Independence / His Rotundity / Father of the American Navy

Thomas Jefferson: The Sage of Monticello / Long Tom

James Madison: Father of the Constitution / Jemmy

James Monroe: The Last Cocked Hat / The Era of Good Feeling President

John Quincy Adams: Old Man Eloquent / The Accidental President

Andrew Jackson: Old Hickory

Martin Van Buren: The Sage of Lindenwald / The Red Fox / Old Kinderhook / The Little Magician / King Martin the First

William Harrison: Old Tippecanoe

John Tyler: His Accidency / Young Hickory

James Polk: The People's Choice

Zachary Taylor: Old Rough and Ready

Millard Fillmore: The American Louis Philippe / His Accidency

Franklin Pierce: Handsome Frank

James Buchanan: The Sage of Wheatland / The Bachelor President / Old Buck

Abraham Lincoln: The Great Emancipator / Honest Abe / The Original Gorilla / The Tycoon / The Man of the People / Rail-splitter / The Ancient / The Illinois Baboon / Black Republican / The Sectional President / The Sage of Springfield

Andrew Johnson: The Tennessee Tailor / King Andy

Ulysses S Grant: Unconditional Surrender / United States / Hero of Appomattox / Useless

Rutherford Hayes: Dark Horse / His Fraudulency

James Garfield: The Preacher / The Martyr President

Chester Arthur: The Dude / His Accidency

Grover Cleveland: The Hangman of Buffalo / Uncle Jumbo / Grover the Good / The Pretender / Big Beefhead / The Perpetual Candidate / The Stuffed (or Dumb) Prophet

Benjamin Harrison: Little Ben / The Centennial President / Kid Gloves

William McKinley: The Napoleon of Protection / Wobbly Willie

Theodore Roosevelt: Bull Moose / Teddy / Trust Buster / The Rough Rider

William Taft: Big Bill / Big Lub / Uncle Jumbo / Peaceful Bill

Woodrow Wilson: The Professor / Tommy / The Schoolmaster

Warren Harding: Wobbly Warren / The First Negro President

Calvin Coolidge: Silent Cal / Cautious Cal

Herbert Hoover: The Grand Old Man / The Chief

Franklin D Roosevelt: The Champ / That Man in the White House / A Traitor to his Class / The New Dealer

Harry S Truman: The New Missouri Compromise / High Tax Harry / The Man of Independence / The Haberdasher / Give 'em Hell Harry

Dwight D Eisenhower: Ike / The Swedish Jew

John F Kennedy: Jack / JFK / John-John

Lyndon B Johnson: Landslide Lyndon / LBJ

Richard Nixon: Tricky Dick / Gloomy Gus

Gerald Ford: Jerry / Mr Nice Guy / Jerry the Jerk

Jimmy Carter: Grits / The Grin / Hot Shot / The Peanut Farmer

Ronald Reagan: The Great Communicator / The Gipper / Dutch / The Teflon President

George Bush: Poppy

Bill Clinton: Slick Willie / The Comeback Kid / Bubba

George W Bush: Dubya / Shrub / Mini-Me / The Great Pretender / Commander-in-Thief / Junior

That's right. They all feature on the excellent Vitamin Q blog.

THIRTY TWO

I don't do drugs or booze. Any more. I don't ogle women. Much. I don't molest school kids. Worse, I teach them. I don't drool over bad porn. Good porn, though ... oops.

I don't wash my hands eighty-three times a day, brush my teeth for thirty-two minutes or floss with old fishingline if no string is available.

I stack my food in rows - tins there, packets there, jars there. That shelf's for spreads, that one's for spices, that one's for sauces, that one's for bickies.

I always buy the same brands. Never generic. Nothing with Dick Smith's face on it. La Gina tomatoes, Sirena Chilli Tuna, Atlantic Dark Rye - NOT Light, Nutella, Piazza D'Oro Premio, Lemon Spree, Palmolive Gold, Colgate original - NO stripes ... shudder ... they twist. I even take them on holiday. Including utensils and stove top espresso pot.

I eat my meals in a set order. Vegetables, smallest to largest, never mixed, then meats. Always.

The dishwasher is neatly stacked, as are the fridge, washing machine, car boot. Papers are neatly folded. Empty cans, bottles and jars are washed. Can't put out a messy bin.

Very occasionally I'll do the crossword if someone else has started it. On the other hand, I stop if I've made a mistake. And I never do it in pencil.

I hang my clothes on colour-coded hangers.

On the dark and violent side, I do have a serious problem with the glugging of pouring liquid. Tea out of a pot especially. I suppress an urge to ki ... get angry ... when stinking, inconsiderate, disgusting peasant oafs slurp their drinks. Same when ignorant slobs eat with their filthy, gap-toothed, mal-odorous mouths open. And as for whistling? STOP IT!

All up, pretty normal wouldn't you say? That's not to say I'm entirely sane. I do have one mild ... very mild ... obsession -- the number Thirty-Two.

I don't mean 32 as an everyday statistic. Not like the last time India played Australia at the MCG and Steve Waugh made 32 in both innings. The Russian T34 tank -- mysteriously not a T32 -- weighed 32,000 kilograms. The AFL next year will put 32 million Oxford Scholars into developing Aussie Rules nationwide. Bruce Lee died at 32. Adam Vinatieri kicked the winning goal in this year's Superbowl for a winning score of 32. Murali was called for chucking 32 years after Ian Meckiff. It took 32 years for the Queensland Nationals to lose power in 1989. Collingwood fans had to wait 32 years for an end to the Collywobbles in 1990, hopefully it'll double. Parliament's Jesus jumper, Sid James was 32. Shane Warne's figures first day back? 2 for 32. Australia won the America's Cup 132 years after the US won it in 1851. Scott Wickstein's 32.

No - that's not what I'm talking about, that's all circumstantial.

I'm talking about -- in fact exposing ... whistleblowing even -- Film 32. A number that continues to appear in the scripts of movies and TV shows:

Tommy Lee Jones: "How old was Newman?"

Kate Nelligan: "32."

-- US Marshalls

Actor Tom Wood was 35.

See where I'm coming from? There are obviously many references to 1, 10, 100, etc but they're all big-moment numbers. 32 is just any old number that somehow keeps reappearing. Why?

THE EDGE OF REALITY

Speaking about Banality TV, disgruntled insiders have revealed they're all about manipulation, image and get this ... contain only the merest trace elements of reality.

A PROFESSIONAL surfer who paddled away from the chance to win a $2 million dream home on a so-called real life renovation series, has shattered the reality TV myth.

Trudy Todd took to the water off Queensland's Bribie Island on Tuesday and, in a TV first, swam out of Channel 10's poorly rating reality show The HotHouse.

But Todd has no regrets about turning her back on the seven-figure pot of gold, declaring the show a sham.

"It is not real at all," Todd said.

"I got told I was going on The Block. The Block is about building and renovating. This is not building and renovating. We spend an hour a day on the site.

"The builders do everything. We just carry a few things around for the cameras and make decisions."

Todd said she was furious at the way producers manipulated contestants' personalities and fiddled with facts in order to get "real" footage.

Is there anyone out there who thinks otherwise? Stupid question.

I in turn don't contain even the merest trace elements of sympathy for the ambitious, vain and greedy trendoids who masqerade as contestents on these shows.

Hit the bricks losers!

REALITY BITES

This post is primarily about reality TV, but to set the scene, here's a snap critique of the top 10 drama/comedy shows in Melbourne at the moment (thousands)....

1) CSI Vegas (572) - Rocks.

2) Without a Trace (548) - I enjoyed the dodgy headmaster episode.

3) CSI Miami (533) - Pretentious.

4) Friends (502) - I'm told it was funny once. Now very stupid.

5) McLeod's Daughters (463) - You kidding? Aussie drama.

6) Blue Heelers (435) - See Five.

7) Law & Order SVU (431.5) - Which version is that?

8) Queer Eye (431.0) - Gay's in.

9) Malcolm in the Middle (419) - Has it's moments.

10) Home and Away (397) - Go away and die.

Some are good, some are bad, but you'll notice one thing sitting in stark contrast to last year, if I include Queer Eye, it's the only reality show up there in the ratings this year.

You'll also notice that I like some and dislike others. Actually, I like more than I normally would in any one set of ratings figures. Usually, what passes for popular viewing I find akin to having my teeth filled.

Generally, I wouldn't wager my house overestimating the TV taste of the average punter. Let's face it, there wouldn't be so much shit on TV if Monty Burns' Joe Sixpack & Sally Housecoat weren't drooling simpletons pining for a fix of Ray Martin and his dodgy mechanics and "Great Blokes".

However, before you accuse me of picking on reality TV, and being some kind of telly snob -- I am.

Take away sport & movies, most of the stuff on free-to-air or subscriber is absolute rubbish, it's just reality TV that bites me hardest.

To this viewer the only thing real about reality TV is that it's real real ... real ... fucked. Scientific enough for you?

Therefore it's with great pleasure that I note the latest figures that show a major surge away from this monstrous nonsense....

BARELY two weeks into official ratings for 2004, television's much-hyped reality boom has busted. Shocked executives at Channels 10 and 7 are contemplating why viewers are shunning local reality shows for overseas crime series.

To put the figures in context, the second placed reality show Simple Life rates 377 but The Bill -- the fuckin' Bill, I hate the fuckin' Bill -- rates 387.

And The Hot House - 155,000 - Woof Woof.

Sadly, next year they'll probably find some other rancid shit to flog, but I live in hope that "Quality TV" may just be the next pop fad.

TAYLOR TRASH

Michael Stevens, stick your head in a bin! You're talking rubbish:

[Brent] Le Cras, at centre half-back, had the better of former Saint and Eagle David Sierakowski and won the Simpson Medal.

The Simpson Medal honour board contains famous names.

Polly Farmer (1959), Barry Cable (1966-67-68), Maurice Rioli (1980-81), Brian Taylor (1985), Ben Allan (1989), Dale Kickett (1991, 1993) and Todd Ridley (1996) have won it.

There is nothing actually wrong with the list, all those players did win the Simpson Medal.

However, in the context of Stevens' comments, it's a stupid list. Not all those players were "famous names", and one in particular is virtually unknown outside of WA .

On the famous side, Polly Farmer, Barry Cable and Maurice Rioli were stars. Ben Allen, as a best and fairest in a premiership year -- the Angry Anderson Batmobile Grand final in 1991 -- was an excellent player.

On the flop side, Dale Kickett was a five club journeyman most famous for his role in a massive Subi Oval punch up with the Eagles. Todd Ridley was a scrubber most famous for being involved in the trade that sent Matthew Lloyd to Essendon instead of Fremantle. And where's Mark Zanotti, Ryan Turnbull and David Hynes? Or Peter Thorne. He played for the Dees.

But Brian Taylor?

I know Brian Taylor was a fine player for Richmond and Collingwood, a hundred goal kicker (exactly) in 1986 and now a popular and high profile commentator on MMM and Channel Nine.

But therein lies the hint. If Stevens was a footy expert, and not a stenographer, he would have known Simpson Medal Brian Taylor was not big bustling "BT" Brian Taylor, but willow the wisp Subiaco back pocket Brian Taylor.

Ooby Dooby.

CHOC WEDGE

So, Mark Latham's going to apologise to the "Stolen Generations".

Can't say I agree with The Doomster's take on wedgings, which while technically correct, don't seem to play to the spirit of wedgement.

Given recent events in Redfern, I'm not sure about the wisdom -- or the timing -- of Latham's announcement. I'd lean more towards it being a "courageous decision" of the Sir Humphrey kind.

I'd imagine, so too would the Sussex Street hacks who probably choked on their Vegemite & cheese sandwiches as the PM was handed his own chance at wedgework....

ALP ready to say sorry

Recognising Aboriginal land rights, apologising to the stolen generation and fighting poverty will shape the ALP's policy on indigenous Australians, Opposition Leader Mark Latham said.

Mr Latham told a classroom of students at Leongatha Secondary College in regional Victoria that the ALP would apologise to the stolen generation.

"Things like apologising to the stolen generation, I see that as basic family values, if any of our families were broken up in that way we expect someone along the line, someone to say sorry for that length of separation," Mr Latham said.

"I don't think there's any shame in people saying 'sorry', we will be making that apology."

Mr Latham also said the ALP would try to end Aboriginal poverty with a range of policies.

"I think the best form of reconciliation is to assist Aboriginal Australians with their living standards," Mr Latham said.

SHWING BATTER

Instructions

1) Click the picture.

2) Wait. (Approx 30 secs on 56 k)

3) Click the penguin.

4) Whack the penguin.

5) Splatt: 0.

6) Click the Yeti, dummy.

Brought to you by Yeti Sports.

EARLY (JUNK?) MAIL

Hmmm, I just got a whiff of test selection. Brad Hodge or Matthew Elliott for the Sri Lanka squad?

UPDATE: Or I may just be paranoid about NSW trying to scam the Pura.

UPDATE II: Phew:

Ricky Ponting (captain), Adam Gilchrist (vice-captain), Jason Gillespie, Matthew Hayden, Michael Kasprowicz, Simon Katich, Justin Langer, Brett Lee, Darren Lehmann, Damien Martyn, Stuart MacGill, Andrew Symonds, Shane Warne, Brad Williams, Wade Seccombe.

My spider senses were tingling -- luckily for no reason -- but given Hohns comment:

"The performances of players such as Michael Clarke, Brad Hodge and Matthew Elliott have certainly been noted, but unfortunately there's only room for so many players."

... they can't have been far away.

SPEEDY REPLY

Chucking? No longer a problem. The ICC is on the case:

Less than 24 hours after Bob Simpson's stinging attack of it's lack of action to address what he described as a problem approaching epidemic proportions, the ICC has announced new measures to deal with bowlers with suspect actions.

And those measures would be?

"The ICC is working at both the international level through its reporting, reviewing and suspension procedures and at the domestic level where it is ensuring that each country is developing an effective system to address any concerns before players emerge on to the international stage."

A good start, but what about players already on the international stage?

Simpson claimed that big-name bowlers were escaping punishment while lesser players were being targeted. Speed dismissed this.

Dismissed it? How so?

"In the past 12 months three players - Jermaine Lawson, Sanwar Hossain, and Shabbir Ahmed - have [been cited] which is an indication of the attention that is being paid to bowlers' actions by ICC umpires and referees around the world.

Not exactly "big name bowlers". In fact, remarkably "little name bowlers".

Typical high gloss disingenuous double speak. Don't expect any proper action soon. Like having umpires call no balls.

RING OF IRE

Given I've heard "Ring of Fire" jokes as far back as primary school, I can't believe this has never been suggested before....

PLANS to use the song Ring Of Fire to sell haemorrhoid cream have been given the bum's rush by the family of country music legend Johnny Cash.

A Florida TV producer came up with the idea while suffering from piles - and has won support from the song's co-writer Merle Kilgore.

But the daughter of Cash, who died in September aged 71, said it was demeaning.

Rosanne Cash said: "The song is about the transformative power of love and that's what it has always meant to me and that's what it will always mean to the Cash children."

Ring Of Fire - which has the chorus "And it burns, burns, burns" - was written by Kilgore and Cash's wife June Carter Cash.

Kilgore said he never intended to offend the Cash family, adding that he had often joked about haemorrhoids when introducing the song on
stage.

"I'd say, 'Ladies and gentlemen, I want to give credit where credit is due. I dedicate this song to the makers of Preparation H'," he explained.

Kilgore added: "I certainly didn't want to upset the Cash family because I love them. I just thought it was kind of funny."

Ring Of Fire found a new audience in 1999 when it was included in a TV ad for Levi’s 501 jeans.

DELISH DISH or GIBBERISH?

I report, you deride....

Coach

Round nine? Tiges struggling? Terry Wallace?

Coach for Coach

Neil Daniher shaky? Demon committee eats lunch. Kevin Sheedy eats lunch. Swap?

CEO

Ray Ellis out. Steve Lawson in? (Gary Lyon's International Rules offsider)

Of course, "coach" rumours almost never eventuate. Coach.

BEAT IT!

Given his attention grabbing with "suckholes" and "arselickers", could Mark Latham's latest calculated loathesome display as the low key, mild mannered, happy families, man-of-the-people make him any more of a nauseating hypocritical fraud? As for the Silly's sappy sucky headline....

Wacko Jacko quip saddens Latham

Opposition Leader Mark Latham said the public would make up its own mind about a Liberal backbencher who compared him to Michael Jackson.

Liberal MP Alby Schultz said making Mr Latham prime minister would be like putting Michael Jackson in charge of a child care centre.

Jackson is facing child molestation charges in the United States.

Mr Latham said it was a sad reflection on Mr Schultz.

"It's not what you want to hear as the parent of small children, I've got to say," he told the National Press Club.

"But I understand it's the member for Hume and people can make their own judgment about him.

"I regard that as a bit of a sad reflection."

But Mr Latham, who promised no more crudity when he became Labor leader, defended an opposition backbencher's description of Veterans Affairs Minister Danna Vale as a "flip-flop floozy".

"It sounds a lot more like an exercise in alliteration than some stunning personal insult," he said.

I'm with Alby: "He is the biggest hypocrite in Australia".

Mark Latham is all niceness and tolerance at the moment and I don't expect him to slip up before the next election. However, should Labor win the next election - as I predict - Mark Latham will elevate personal and political vitriolic abuse to a level only dreamed about by Paul Keating.

Anyone remember Greg Stillson?

BLACK GRIPE: STUPID, STUPID

Andrew Bolt takes a healthy lash at the Redfern tax leaches....

You paid for this

We all paid to stage this Redfern race riot - that's how suicidal we now are.

The hate spewing Aboriginal "leaders" who cheered and praised the rioters?

We paid them.

The Aboriginal "leaders" who have made black youths think Australian society is so racist - so white - that they should reject it?

We paid them.

The Aboriginal "leaders" - and their guilt-choked white accomplices - who excuse the most depraved behaviour of a black by blaming it on a white?

We paid them.

We paid them as we pay such leaders of other ethnic and religious groups out of this same racist conception of multicultural Australia.

Stupid. Stupid.

As usual it's those who take the most money off the government, are the ones who are most critical about it.

Speaking of Bolt, there's a fine old brouhaha going on at Crikey, one of Bolt's most strident critics. They've even enlisted the help of - and subbed in a snide header - guest scribe Iain Lygo....

Festering Andrew Bolt contagion exposed

Right-wing Herald Sun columnist Andrew Bolt loves to dish it out but author Iain Lygo has been tracking his work and reveals plenty of flaws in this exclusive expose for Crikey. Read to the bottom for Bolt's initial reply and then a further response from Iain Lygo.

Lygo doesn't like Bolt....

When the Sydney Institute gets Andrew Bolt to speak about truth in journalism, their last tiny shred of credibility has surely evaporated into thin air.

Sadly Crikey didn't practice what they preach and reveal all the facts.

Even though Bolt has a long history of criticism of the Greens, Crikey introduced Lygo as an author/expert on Tabloid Media, Race Politics and Islam, without mention of the fact Lygo is also a green activist....

He has also been involved in direct actions against Otway logging, marine parks, and the AES power station just west of Geelong. Iain argues we need policies for the next generation and not just the next election.

It was left to Bolt himself to spank Crikey and Lygo....

It is typical dishonest, inaccurate, self-contradictory and conspiratorial cr*p by a Greens candidate and you should be ashamed to run such drivel. Leave it to Indymedia and grow up.

I note only that most of his allegations seem to go like this: 'Well, yes, all right, the Muslim leader he quotes did say that, but, um, well, you see.... '

But going through the rest of his crud would be a waste of time, given that the only people who could possibly be convinced by what he says are those who are impervious to reason and evidence.

If you want a reply from me, why don't you ask Lygo to run the emails he says I sent to him - but which he strangely refuses to reproduce. And ask him, too, whether in writing to me if he identified himself by his real name and political affiliation, and disclosed to me that he was in fact researching his "book". Ask him why not.

SIMPSON AND THE DONKEYS

Bobby Simpson! National hero! Come. On. Down.

FORMER Australian coach Bob Simpson has lashed out at world cricket authorities for letting blatant chuckers corrupt the game, heightening tension in Australia's tour of Sri Lanka. Simpson, formerly a member of the International Cricket Council's illegal action committee, has criticised his former employers for a lack of action which he says has allowed chuckers to reach "epidemic proportions".

While not naming players, the former Australian captain and selector claims:

THAT he has never seen so many players with illegal actions as there are in the game today.

SOME of the most high-profile players in the game have actions that, to say the least, "are less than doubtful".

THE reporting and examination procedure is "hopelessly flawed". He said if a bowler was reported, he was sent back to the very people who picked him and they were reluctant to take strong action for fear it would hamper the team's performance.

MATCH referees have gained the reputation of coming down hard on easy decisions while not wanting to tackle tough ones such as illegal actions.

UMPIRES seem to report lesser-known bowlers but do not take action against higher-profile players.

UMPIRES hide behind the false premise that a bowler cleared by a previous report has been cleared for life.

THE decision to apply a 10-degree level of tolerance to bowlers who straighten their arm makes it a nightmare for umpires. They have little or no chance to make an assessment in the small amount of time they have to watch the bowler's arm.

Right on the money. On. Ev'ry. Single. Point.

A reminder - very bendy, not very bendy.

No names. No matter. VERY LISTED.

SNIPPY GILMORE

When I lived in the Pilbara I played darts and softball with a great character named Leigh Varis. She was bloody good at both. She also played basketball and netball and used to spank the other girls at that too. She also used to be a bloke.

With that in mind, I'll be following the progress of the Women's Australian Open....

The Olympic movement is about to change its rules to allow transgender athletes to compete. But in the somewhat less glitzy, almost old-fashioned world of Australian women's golf, they crossed this bridge years ago.

Maisie Mooney, chief executive of Women's Golf Australia, still remembers the board meeting in 1998 when the South Australian delegate piped up with a matter that, it could safely be said, had never crossed their minds before.

Pennant players in Adelaide were threatening to boycott their competition if two women, who had previously played as men, were allowed to compete.

All of which has led to the historic moment in Sydney next month when Mianne Bagger, 37, one of the two women golfers who had caused that ruckus five years ago, becomes the first transgender golfer to compete in a professional tournament, that being the Women's Australian Open.

I've also been trying to dig up some info on the female olympian who, years later, when she was shot dead in a robbery gone bad, was discovered to be a fella. Google's failed me - anyone got a name?

THE HUNT FOR RED TRANSLATOR

You know you're famous when you get linked in Russian. Recently I've been getting hits from from a soccer site called ... err ... Oyster Owners ... I think.

Naturally there's a problem here, I can't tell what the hell they're on about. So much so I don't even know where to put an enquiring reply -- it could be a sneaky trap, and pressing a button will send a crack brigade of assassins into Chechnya. I don't want those lunatics on my case.

There's no guarantee they'd understand my comments anyway. I sent them an email, but I've heard nothing back. So, anyone out there understand Russian?

Graf de Robot

Я вот поискал в сети инфу о дуэли семья Уильямс против Брааша и обнаружил рассказ самого обидчика прекрасного пола. Взгляни, если есть желание:

http://aftergrogblog.blogs.com/agb/images/006833.html

Then again -- sick of lining up -- it may just be a request for bread.

EMBATTLE STATIONS

Given his fondness for slamming slam State Labor -- every week since he started -- and one minister in particular, I have no idea how David Broadbent keeps his gig at the Sunday Age....

When you're hot you're hot and when you're not, you're embattled.

Many may struggle to actually recall any hot streak enjoyed by Police Minister Andre Haermeyer, but with this week's instalment of the police files scandal, even his fiercest critics would have to admit the ball is not bouncing his way.

Phew, that's rough. Savage AND pity.

Let's face it, Haermeyer's a scheming time-server whose only skill is number crunching. He should never have been issued with a ministerial portfolio.

CASTING COUCHED

With the tour of Sri Lanka coming up, there was bound to be talk of a certain spin "bowler".

Crash Craddock in the Sunday Herald Sun addresses the mystery "ball":

ENGLAND captain Michael Vaughan believes Australia has the team to beat Sri Lanka in its backyard by countering the mystery ball baffling batsmen around the world.

And naturally chucking afficionado, Spanky Roebuck is generous with his praise in the Saturday Age:

As bowlers, they have an awful lot in common, not least an ability to turn the ball a yard, a strong competitive instinct, stamina, hunger for wickets and a way of attracting controversy. Murali and Warne are exceptional because they combine supreme accuracy with prodigious spin. Moreover, they bowl with unfailing intensity and considerable variety.

I'm getting mighty sick of pundits gushing about what an "exceptional" bowler Murali is, and what a magnificent achievement it is that he's managed to take so many wickets.

As a noted Australian blogger once said to me: "It's a bit like praising Ronny Biggs for becoming a millionaire".

I prefer David Boon's analysis from radio SEN 1116 on Friday afternoon. His comments were couched in the modern day, ICC approved, non-commital "we know he chucks but don't say it" cricket speak, but that's ok, we know what Boony means:

Dermot Brereton: "Tell us honestly Boony, do you reckon Murali chucks?"

David Boon: "Well, he's been passed by the ICC."

Dermot: "C'mon Boony. Whaddaya really think?"

Boony: "The powers that be have judged him fit to play."

Dermot: "Now Boony ... answer me THIS ... are you ALLOWED to say what you think?"

Boony: "Nope."

Listed.

SUPER SILLY ... ESS ... NESS

When Andrew Bolt's sticking it to the Yartz crowd, Green Nazis, professional racemongers and the Chardy left, he's fantastic. Conversely, there are those times he writes about values and "let's be nice" gear which this blogger considers a stone bore. Then there's the other times when he's just plain wrong. Like yesterday....

Super-cilious payout

THAT is what you get when a populist Prime Minister runs into a cheap-votes Opposition Leader – policies pitched to the worst whingers.

We will learn to regret this shameful decision to pay politicians even less by cutting their superannuation.

Yeah, no doubt about it, Latham is playing the envy card, that's his stock in trade. And even though he's a fraud -- great work Soph -- this time the essence of what he says is correct.

Generally speaking, as far as the average Joe's concerned, if he/she's good at their job they get paid whatever the market bears, on top of that is a super-figure of around nine percent tacked on the end.

Not everyone's happy -- shit, I want more -- but by and large, what I get's a given.

On the face of it, the same applies in parliament. Politicians also get paid whatever the going rate happens to be.

However, way more than the average shlub, pollies have a huge advantage. They can increase their salaries whenever they feel like it - to whatever they want. As a bonus, to sidestep public approbrium -- until now -- they've also negotiated for and amongst themselves, a healthy sweetener on top.

The question is, should they get the extra generous cherry payout?

I say no.

For a start, on a weekly basis, politicians get paid a fuck site more than me. And no, that's not envy, I've never wanted to be a politician and I'm happy being a teacher, but they still get a beefy salary. Not to mention the perks. Free airplane rides, petrol, food, allowances, etc. I get free coffee & tea.

Second, if they end up as long serving reps, and based on their present salaries, a super percentage similar to the voters' still amounts to a significant sum.

Third, if they get booted or resign early -- in other words, they still have to do something to earn a crust other than wear the same undies for a full term -- they've been part of the best "networking club" in the country and as a result, well paid job offers, consultancies and board memberships flood in on the basis of their experience and contacts. How many retired pollied aren't in a position to make a killing?

All in all, irrespective of their super, polly's get very well paid -- you can mount an argument as to how much they should get -- but it doesn't mean they should get an extra "in-your-face" handout at the end.

Insiders yesterday morning was all about the application. Sure the PM's been clumsy there -- and given Latham a free kick in the process -- but ultimately Howard's done the right thing. And he'll be betting the way of it, which excites the pundits, rather than the why of it, which impresses the voters, won't be an issue in eight months time.

My main gripe is that he didn't do it earlier.