After Grog Blog

ABC OF R&R

A list for Best Guitarist or Best Song is all very well. You can probably boil them down to personal favourites or big sellers. Or more likely, you're listing many "classics" you'd expect to be there, or looking hard for ones you reckon others wouldn't pick.

Boynton links to a list comprising the "500 Most Influential Songs" - as well as a VH1 poll of the 100 most shockiest moments, although it's no shock to me that Milli Vanilli can't sing - and it seems to me that with such a category there needs to be an explanation. If a song's labelled "influential", I need to know why.

Here's "A"....

AC/DC - Back in Black
AC/DC - Highway to Hell
Roy Acuff and the Smoky Mountain Boys - Wabash Cannonball
Aerosmith - Dream On
Aerosmith - Toys in the Attic
Afrika Bambaataa - Planet Rock
The Allman Brothers Band - Ramblin' Man
The Allman Brothers Band - Whipping Post
The Animals - The House of the Rising Sun
The Animals - We Gotta Get Out of This Place
Louis Armstrong - West End Blues
Arrested Development - Tennessee

Before you look at the list, try to guess which are the sole picks for "X" and "Z".

BIG BOB JOB TO DO BOB DO

Wondering where Paris & Nicky Hilton had disappeared to on Melbourne Cup day, I like the quote overheard from Seven boss, David Leckie, "We paid top dollar for those bitches, now where are they?!?"

I guess we know the reason - as if we didn't already - for their farcical appearance on Roy & HG last Monday night. As if Bondy's buck-pass on Denton wasn't bad enough. What an appalling couple of interviews.

And did anyone notice how upset the Twinky Sisters, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber, got during the show? I hear it was in response to a question about cocaine use that had to be cut out.

Anyway, here they are David. Just for a change they're doing it hardcore....

A NEW York hairstylist has flown 16,000km to Melbourne to tend to the short tresses of star client Paris Hilton for designer Wayne Cooper's fetish-themed show tonight.

The Herald Sun has learned the elder Hilton sister called the Sydney designer and asked if she could be in his Mercedes Australian Fashion Week autumn/winter fashion parade tonight.

Cooper, no stranger to amping up his shows with a statement or two, agreed to Paris's request.

She will wear three different outfits whipped up over the weekend in the "hard-core deluxe"-themed parade.

"Amped up"? Young people talk funny. And why can't I think of a good gag about New York to Paris? Work brain! Oops times up, I've gotta go to class.

THE CHILDREN UNDERFOOT AFFAIR

Calling David Marr! The fix is in. They're getting away with it. Mary Bluett and those evil "Baby Tramplers" at the AEU. Fridge drawings were tampered with. Longer play-times promised. Witnesses bribed with Jelly Beans and Redskins.

She's going back again to Yarrawonga....

A PRIMARY school teacher accused of ordering students to trample classmates will return to the classroom this week after being cleared of complaints made against her.

The Yarrawonga Primary School teacher was accused of ordering four students to lie on the ground as punishment for talking in class.

The students claimed the first-year teacher then ordered their classmates to walk on them.

However an internal investigation has found the incident took place in the context of a game."

Damn. No more with "roll out the tumbrills". I was looking forward a new era in student discipline. Bugger!

AWW, TATTS A SHAME

What's the bet - ha ha - this guy still buys another ticket next week....

TATTERSALL'S is refusing to pay out $11.5 million to a man who was told he won the fortune on a Keno ticket.

Concreter Andrew Devery said he won the huge payout after buying a $5 ticket at a Geelong hotel.

But he says Tattersall's is refusing to pay him, claiming a printing error incorrectly showed he won.

That's Gee-long for ya. Wicked people live there.

I like this bit. What's the worst thing that could happen in a marriage? Cancer? Car crash? Toilet seat disharmony?

He told the attendant to tell no one about the victory and then called his wife into a quiet lounge to tell her the news.

"I told her 'I love our lives and never want anything to change' -- she was worried and thought I was about to tell her I was gay or having an affair.

Gayness. Not something really serious, like say, peanut butter in the fridge. Then again, maybe she suspects something. Hmmm. It IS a rather colourful shirt.

Oh well, whaddaya gonna do? On one hand it's standard practice to stick the boots into big business. Companies ought be accountable for their errors. On the other, it's obviously a mistake. So shut up whiny greedhead!

PS: It was my turn to place syndicate bets last Saturday. The only bet I've had all year and guess which horse I plunged on?!?

TENNESSEE TONE

I'm currently annoying the neighbours with the Kings of Leon. I reckon it rocks, but let's hear what the "experts" have to say....

Deep breath. Rolling Stone.....

Preacher's sons who grew up on the road and laid down the holy-roller boogie in churches across the South, Kings of Leon come by their scuffed, scruffy sound honestly. But the title of their debut album, Youth and Young Manhood, is slightly misleading. One would expect these little red roosters, who range in age from sixteen to twenty-three, to be strutting their fine stuff with hyperexuberance, the outsize virility of boys testing their boundaries and the world's. But instead, they come on like old-school greasers who've been around long enough to know how to savor a moment.

Well, they like it but holy shit, what WAS that? I wonder if RS reviewers ever read what they write. What a turgid load of undergrad waffle.

Let's try Pop Matters....

I suppose it goes without saying that Youth and Young Manhood is most definitely not one of the best debut albums of the last 10 years; it wouldn't even earn that title if the timeframe were whittled down to the last 10 days. As for me, I'm going to camp out at my mailbox until the deluxe reissue of the Allman Brothers' At Fillmore East arrives so I can cleanse the palate with some Southern Rock that deserves its proper noun status.

Yowzah!

How about Pitchfork Media....

Like Fountains of Wayne or The Stereophonics, Kings of Leon aim to meet your every expectation to a T, and nothing more, making music that's seemingly bulletproof simply because it's built on the foundation of the way things were done in the good ol' days. Which is much of this band's problem: Kings of Leon attempt to substitute their supposed possession of "honesty," "purity," "realism," "history" and "authenticity" for ideas, hooks and songs. And like so many bands touted as bearing these intangible, inaudible sensations, they simply aim for pantomime, careful not to reach for anything other than the tried-and-true simply because that's perceived as the "right" way to do things.

Shwing!

Oh well, I like it. As I often say, "It doesn't matter where you get the bricks, it's how you put 'em together". Listen to Youth and Young Manhood and make up your own mind.

YELLOW FEVER

I must be sick - I MUST be - and hallucinating! I keep seeing strange visions in ads for the new Simpsons episodes. I'll swear each time I see one, the show's on a different night.

HOOK 'EM DICKO

I have fuck all to blog about so bear with me, I wanna run this little experiment.

When Angle Grinder Man was in the news I got hundreds of search hits. It just occurred to me, what if I mentioned Australian Idol bitch love cow nasty nude sex sex fat luv lick...

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Thank you for your co-operation. Go now!

PS: delta goodrem cancer naked

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Tonight in the car, on ABC radio, Straya vee Scootland....

"Rogers just spilt what may have been a certain try."

ON THE HEEZY

In today's Hun, Terry Brown gets down with the youngsters....

PATAGONIAN toothfish are prized for their flaky white flesh and even flakier name.

In the piscatorial world, they are real pin-up fish, which is lucky when you're trying to flog 94 tonnes.

Australia's Customs service has 37,600km of coastline to watch like a bird-dog.

With all that, you'd think they'd confiscate something really cool, like Kylie CDs or Yu-Gi-Oh swap cards....

....You'd want to know a bit more before getting into a relationship with that! Now, because patagonian toothfish is a better name for a rock band than a main course, they are often called Chilean sea bass.

Whatever you call them, they are ugly suckers and are usually, sensibly, sold without their faces on.

(Hey, what do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH!)

What do you call a rissole with no eyes? An R-sole. It's, like, total naffy when fortysomethings start talking hip. Yo.

LEAK IT? LUMP IT!

I wonder who leaked this....

Melbourne's president-elect Paul Gardner has demanded that every member of the club board and all key officials sign a commercial confidentiality agreement in a bid to control sensitive information from leaking outside the Demons.

Gardner....confirmed he had ordered the drawing up of the legal document which was sent to his fellow directors this week....

[He] said any official or board member refusing to sign the document would be asked to resign.

Gardner's shaping up as a terrific front-man and just the kind of president Melbourne has needed since it last won a premiership in....sob....19....weep....60....kick the cat....4.

SO THIS IS CASHMAS

Karma, not always instant....not often avoided. I know it's only a single, but timing's everything, Dan.

Yesterday....

Note that the albums which remain in the ARIA charts for a long time are all original, not-really-pop artists, who write their own songs and play instruments......Delta Goodrem - 32 weeks in......

And today....

DELTA Goodrem has recorded a new version of John Lennon's seasonal anthem Happy Xmas (War is Over).

I bet Dan didn't "touch wood". I also bet the song's bloody awful....and that it rockets to Number 1.

FINE PRINT FOUND

I just noticed Gee-long's Finest mentioned the speed camera issue this morning....

Talkback tsar Neil Mitchell has just revealed that in-the-know coppers are taking advantage of an unpublicised loophole to get out of speed camera fines. Apparently, if you have been clicked at less than 15kmh over the limit and have not had a speed ticket or accident in the previous three years you can write to the speed camera punishers and plead for a caution instead of a fine. And you'll get it. This should get us rid of Minister for Speed Camera Shonks, Andrew Hairdryer.

I heard it too and it's not just coppers who are benefitting from this secret largesse, but politicians as well. It was revealed at least one un-named minister was the beneficiary of a "caution". I know the odds are long, eighty or so to one, but how I hope it's the aforementioned Andre the Chump. Then again, that might deprive us of My Favourite Moron.

The thing that bites me here is that to benefit from the discretionary powers you mustn't have had a ticket in the preceeding three years. This means all those folks who have been pinged recently are now denied the chance to ask for leniency. And I'm also cynical enough to believe this was the government's intention. Keep it all quiet until the leadfoots have used up their one chance.

PS: I also heard Hairdryer, in his guise as the prison system's Chief Screw, firing up at opposition questions yesterday in Parliament. Tossing about cheap one-liners, he was. Now, you just know that when a polly starts in with the budget Vaudeville, they're starting to feel the heat.

HAWK TALK

Today when I read Melissa Ryan's dramarticle on Trent Croad's return to Hawthorn....

When Trent Croad walked back into Hawthorn yesterday after two tumultuous years at Fremantle, there were more than a few nerves fluttering inside the young man who had been forced out of the club in perhaps the most noisily protested trade ever conducted.

....it suddenly occurred to me I'd forgotten to trumpet the AGB's diligent rumour mongering news gathering abilities.

Eager young Western Australian news hounds should always remember there's a chunky source of cheap footy copy here at the AGB. Vis a vis....

It will come as no surprise to anyone if Trent Croad leaves Freo and is traded back to a Victorian club. He was offered to Geelong during the last draft period but no suitable trade could be arranged. And he'll certainly be offered around this year with Freo likely to put less of a price on his head than last year.

In pure footballing terms I don't consider him the most talented player who's ever gone around, but as an athletic big man there are plenty of clubs that would have him if the price was right. I'd have him at Melbourne.

So, given the right circs there's a chance he could end up at one of many Victorian clubs. Never the less, you'd think the one club that would rule him out would be Hawthorn. You'd think. But there's a whisper out there that the Hawks are more than interested in enticing him back to Glenferrie.

Just remember: You heard it hear first!

With that in mind....you heard this here first....

Via the same source I hear that because of the deal done to force Jade Rawlings into the draft, Rawlings has the hump with both Hawthorn and the Western Bulldogs.

That ties in nicely with Peter Ker's article, also in today's Age, which suggests the Dawgs haven't been able to schedule a "sit down" with Rawlings.

Doing the myths I put one and one together and came up with a John West Tuna Tempter.

Firstly, my source tells me Rawlings definitely doesn't want to go to the Bulldogs. Secondly, bearing in mind the firstly, I can accurately - to within a quorth of a millimoter - read between the lines and discern he's obviously being evasive. He's also informally tendered a price considered extravagant in footy circles, some say $550K per year over three, but done so predominantly as a deterrent.

So how does this affect the upcoming Pre-season Draft?

At present it's assumed Rawlings will go to the Dawgs with pick one, Nick Stevens to Carlton with pick two and the third pick to Melbourne.

This could change.

The Bulldogs are weighing up their options. They don't want to pay over the odds for Rawlings, especially if he doesn't want to play there, so they they could go for Nick Stevens. Unfortunately he's also indicated he doesn't want to go to the Bullies and he's also put a high price on his head. It may end up they opt for the next big man. Possibly Ray Hall.

This in turn has unsettled Carlton. They've put plenty of work into the former Port onballer, and it's generally assumed they'll take Stevens with their second pick but they haven't been able to commit to him because the Bullies might yet take him with pick one.

So, instead of a draft that reads Rawlings (1), Stevens (2), Whoever (3), it may read Stevens (1), Rawlings (2), Whoever (3).

We all live in hope though. My source also told me Rawlings wants to play at Melbourne. Therefore, as a Demons supporter I hope it reads Whoever (1), Stevens (2), Rawlings (3).

The opening gambits of the Pre-seaon Draft now rest on whether the Bullies are prepared to risk big money on either one of two reluctant players.

I'm sure they will go for one of the two. They'd be lynched by angry fans if they didn't after giving up pick six for a nobody in trade week. It may just be that it's not in the expected order.

All in all, the present situation is a good reason the AFL may seek to restrict grossly eneven trades in future seasons. And it would be a good laugh if Rawlings stood on his digs and pulled out of footy for a year.

LEFT JABBERER

We need more of this, Ultimate Politics....

Jeff Kennett and Labor minister Theo Theophanous were involved in a scuffle during a Cup-eve Greek business evening....

....Mr Theophanous has accused Mr Kennett of cuffing him behind an ear as Mr Kennett walked past....

....Kennett had been struck from behind by a "jabbering" Mr Theophanous and was surprised by the force of the hit.

At least Theo's got his finger on the pulse....

"I would like to thank him for everything he has done for the Labor Party."

Funny. But true.

Mr Kennett then rose to his feet, reminded the crowd of the strong financial climate in Victoria under his leadership and said he might one day need to return to restore the state's vibrancy.

Sad. But true.

MOO SICK PICK

Still got that Excel? Fancy yourself as a music buff? Like Cheese Shapes? Or snacky treats in general? Well here's something to kill that downtime leading up to the Melbourne Cup. I may be getting old, or more likely it's a bunch of crap, but I only got 17.

Here's what you do in case you're a bit special and couldn't work out what was supposed to happen last time. You type your answer - a word which normally contains writing symbols called letters - into the empty spaces and press the button sometimes marked with a bent arrow and sometimes with the five letter word Enter.

Thanks to the Macquarie Bank (Music Dept).

BRAXIDENT BLACK SPOT

Is Andre Haermeyer the State Government's very own accident black spot? It seems a day can't go by without another bizarre installment in the farcical ministership of Andre The Giant Buffoon.

The Heroin Trials fiasco. The Police Files debacle. The pants down embarrassment of his failed attempt to blame Kennett for his own Bogus Bounty Bonus.

That last strategy cadaver is still writhing on the slab when it's revealed he's responsible for yet another set of secret payments. These ones relate to a percentage-per-ticket fee that's put Tenix on one very sweet and easy street....

A PRIVATE company is being paid up to $16 a ticket for each speeding motorist it catches on camera in the CityLink tunnels....

....Police Minister Andre Haermeyer's office said the Government had struck its own deal with Tenix between September 2000 and December 2002.

The Minister for Police has become an overfunded liability! I hope he stays.

PS: Kudos to George Svigos who's taking all the heat because Boss Hogg Haermeyer doesn't have the balls to front the Herald Sun. And there's still nothing in The Age.

WTF? KANGAROOTED!

It's the end of the world as we blow it.

Be patient, takes a while to load. And the language is blue, so volume down.

Thanks Teejay.

GITTY UP, MR ED!

Footy Central, Braxtoria, is generally goggle-eye obsessed with Aussie Rules. Round about now there's also the Spring Carnival of Horses and Hideous Hats to contend with. However, this hasn't stopped the various media outlets from enthusiastically embracing the Rugby World Cup.

Apparently Rugby's no longer referred to as Union. This could be distantly related to declining memberships - 28% nationally at last count - but completely in line with statistical progressions. I'm sure if it became a serious problem Dean Mighell and the ETU could insist the name's changed to the Children's World Cup. But I digress.

If the preliminary stages of this latest Fandango danced in heaven achieved nothing in the way of excitement for yours truly, at least it's re-inserted Brent Crosswell into my heavily booked sports reading schedule.

Saturday in The Age - still nothing on Andre Haermeyer's gaffes - the Tiger waxed lyrical on Eddie Jones' reluctance to plonk Matt Giteau front and centre. Or more correctly, just a bit behind the pack....

Sit Wallaby five-eighth Matt Giteau in a wine bar with a vodka, lime and lemon, a pink straw, some white tints in his hair. Throw in his cute little smirk, an odd, funny joke or two and he's, well, pretty much over the line. At 21 he's probably a bit long in the tooth for Germaine Greer, but I wager she'd be tempted.

I don't like the way Giteau looks, but I know a lot of women who would kill for him.

Some blokes are so intrinsically attractive to women that if you go out with them, you have to let them take first pick. Then you go in and give the rest your best shot. Take your pick, kid, and then get to hell out of it. Giteau's that sort of kid.

My gripe is not so much with pretty boy Giteau, though; it's with Eddie Jones and the other selectors.

I don't think they had a vision of Giteau. He's this sensational talent, as Tim Horan acknowledges, but where do you play him? Well, Tim, I think you should always find a place for a sensational talent.

No one said Elton Flatley was a sensational talent. They said he was a good kicker, a great bloke, a solid player, but it strikes me that, apart from his kicking, he's a journeyman player at the elite level. Giteau's like a young Nathan Buckley.

Horan defends the selection of Flatley on the ground that he's the best performer in the side.

But this Wallabies outfit is not a well-performed team. It's already starting to hand back silverware as if it had to clean it every night. First the Bledisloe Cup, then the Tri Nations. What's next? It has lost the past four games to England.

Horan's response - "Who do you leave out?" - is misplaced because the question implies that this is a well-performed outfit.

Jones should have said months ago, "How do we get Giteau in?" and set about getting him in.

Horan defends the status quo, but it's precisely a Horan that this team lacks. If we can't have a Horan in the team, let's have a Giteau, a player of potentially equal stature.

The selectors are too complacent. They underestimate the importance of Giteau to this cup campaign. Had they recognised his unique talent - his vision, his touch, his ability to throw long, quick passes with both hands, his feel for a line break - they would have prepared a kicker such as Burke or Rogers or Roff so that Giteau could start at inside centre.

Then the line reads - Gregan, Larkham, Giteau - and if that concentration of football ability doesn't excite you, nothing will.

I knew a kid who was numerically gifted. You would say 574 multiplied by 771 and he'd reply instantly, 442,554. When you asked him to explain how he arrived at his answer, he'd smile quizzically and tell you a way that was your way of working it out. And he was so blase about his gift, too, because it came so naturally.

Giteau's like that kid. Even at 21 you could put him in a big-game situation and he'd handle it as if he'd been born to it. He can handle pressure because by the time it gets to him, it is diminished by his certainty that he can't make a mistake.

At 21, football is no big deal and deep down he's a bit bemused by all the fuss and adulation. To him, it's a bit like someone making a big deal about having sight.

But what annoys me is that it's World Cup time and Eddie Jones isn't giving a football sensation game time.

Why? Because he thinks the Wallabies are too good. Really? Where do you play him? Find a spot, Eddie, and fast.

If pretty boy Giteau finds himself putting in too much time on the bench, then my advice to him is go back to the women for a bit. It's exhilarating stuff. A great sport. It can really present you with some challenges, too. And, most times, it will beat the main game hands down.

Question without notice. How often has a rugby international been played where both coaches were named Eddie?

THE MEMBER FOR MILLSTONE

Don't go. Stay....

POLICE Minister Andre Haermeyer is facing calls for his sacking after misleading State Parliament over the secret speed camera bonus.

The longer he lingers, the more the government stinks....

"Look, as I say, I went into the House and made a statement to the House which was based on advice I was given prior to entering the House," he said.

Look, as I say, Hayermeyer signed the contract. What's it to be then? Haermeyer the halfwit? Or Haermeyer the liar? Or both?

And it just keeps getting worse....

The Herald Sun yesterday saw a legal opinion that suggests the Government may have introduced a special new bonus system based on percentages. If so, this would have the potential to dramatically increase the payments made to Tenix.

The bonus bonus.

Here's an insert not online....

Andre Haermeyer's speed camera gaffe was not only misleading, but it showed a deep lack of understanding of his portfolio.

As much as anything, it was a product of the Government's attempt to spin itself out of a corner.

Jeff Kennett might have signed the first contract, but it is the Bracks government that made crucial changes to it's terms last year.

Labor's attempts to dismiss the story as old was a fudge. It was yet another example of how the Government will do almost anything to deflect trouble.

Mr Haermeyer's clami that the only change to the performance bonus system was to make it harder for Tenix Solutions to access it was false.

The figures he gave for when the bonuses cut in were wrong.

My Hayermeyer has been rebuked by the Premier over herion trials. And next week he will have to apologise to Parliament for getting it wrong over speed cameras.

What next?

- John Ferguson

And the editorial....

Mr Haermeyer is becoming a major liability for the Bracks Government.

Like I say, don't go, stay.

Meanwhile former teacher Robert Doyle sets a test....

Mr Doyle branded Mr Haermeyer, still reeling over the police records affair, an embarrassment.

"Is there a worse minister in the Labor Government?" Mr Doyle said.

You decide. Hairdryer? Peter Batchelor? Candy Broad? Mary Delahunty? Who the hell's Gavin Jennings?