After Grog Blog

POCKETS PICKED OFF PEAK

Drivers have long suspected they're less likely to get speeding fines around knock-off time:

SPEEDING drivers are most likely to be nabbed by mobile cameras at lunchtime on work days, police documents suggest. But the cameras are rarely in action between midnight and dawn. A Herald Sun analysis of the 54 police district graphs shows almost two in three districts face major changes to when they book drivers.

I've never attributed this to "revenue raising" as is suggested in the article. After all, there are many more cars on the road and just because the traffic is heavy, it doesn't necessarily mean the cars are going substantially slower. I've always thought the reason was that police have never been confident that the cameras can accurately differentiate between speeding and non-speeding cars in heavy traffic. If, as is suggested in the article, the cameras are now going to be let loose on the peak-hour public, expect plenty more "doubt" to be cast on their readings. Doubt. Just what the issue needs more of. Not that the police themselves aren't concerned:

THE damaging speed camera leak is evidence of growing concern within police ranks about the way the devices are used in Victoria. The Herald Sun has seen the contents of a confidential police computer file and e-mails sent between some of the highest ranked police in the state. The disc contains the police's own camera audit, titled Safety Camera Submission Analysis 2003. The e-mails show that the police's state traffic adviser, Superintendent Harry Hayes, had been seeking road crash trauma data on a localised level for two years. The data would be linked with actual speed camera use to provide statistical evidence to ensure the devices were being used at the right time to deter dangerous driving. Superintendent Hayes e-mailed Assistant Commissioner Noel Ashby at 5.03pm on October 27, declaring how he had requested the expanded data on a number of occasions for two years.

And it's not just the cynical placement of cameras - bottom of hills, short distances into reduced speed zones - that's an issue. A regular complaint is the placement of speed-limit signs. The following was unlinked in yesterday's Hun:

Hidden sign of trouble
VICROADS has conceded that a 40km/h speed limit sign hidden behind trees on Hoddle St was wrongly placed. The sign was recently erected under the State Government's policy to enforce 40km/h limits in school zones during certain hours. Located near Victoria Pde for north-bound motorists, it is obscured by trees on the footpath. The sign serves St John's Catholic primary school in East Melbourne, at the corner of Hoddle St and Victoria Pde. RACV public policy manager Ken Ogden said he was puzzled by the sign's location. "You can't put signs behind trees, it defeats the purpose of having them," he said. "They must be visible." Mr Ogden also questioned the need for the low limit on main roads well-served by pedestrian crossings with signals. VicRoads metropolitan north-west regional manager Bruce Gidley said the sign's location was inappropriate. Mr Gidley said the tree density made it hard for contractors to make it visible. "It's a new sign and we should have done better than that," he said. Mr Gidley said the problem would be fixed over the weekend. He said 40km/h school zone limits were appropriate for main roads such as Hoddle St, which slowed during peak times. The limits outside 1300 schools will drop from 60-70km/h to 40km/h from 8am to 9.30am and from 2.30pm to 4pm.

Hidden is right. I've been going past that school every work-day for the last two years and I never knew the sign was there. More annoying, though, are the other 1,456,987 (or something like that) signs in the general vicinity along Hoddle Street. Anyway, it will be a revenue bonanza. Traffic along Hoddle is heavy all through the day and the speed limit 70 kph. To suddenly have to remember to drop to 40 kph at selected times is bound to prove difficult. And expensive. Will there be accidents too? As drivers suddenly remember and hit the brakes. All in all, the speed camera fiasco has been a complete balls-up. The editor:

IT'S time the Bracks Government came clean with Victorians over its clash of priorities between saving lives and gathering revenue from speed cameras. Today the Herald Sun presents further unsettling information, which may confirm the perception that behind the concern for the road toll lurks the grubby motive of slugging motorists. Records obtained by the Herald Sun show that mobile cameras are being used most at low crash risk times, such as midday during the working week, but far less at dangerous peak hour times or nights. The reason? On the surface it appears simply to be inefficient use of police resources, but this has coincided with increased revenue collection. Acting Assistant Commissioner Bob Hastings denies any revenue motive and points out that times of use of the mobile cameras are being altered across police districts to prioritise road safety. It is reassuring to know he is taking action. But the fact that information has been leaked about the traffic intelligence unit indicates the distress many officers feel over wider government priorities. It's time for the Bracks Government to release to the public the priorities and working guidelines on how mobile cameras and the 47 fixed speed cameras are operated.

Yet all of a sudden there are dissenting figures in today's Hun:

THE number of motorists booked by mobile speed cameras plunged more than 30 per cent in the three months to September, the latest Victoria Police crime figures reveal.

September minus three? That's June. Coincidentally, it's then the first speed camera boo-boo was revealed. Could it be the government instructed the cops to ease up while the heat was on. Are we to believe a third of the driving population suddenly decided to start driving slower? I don't think so. Of course, Andre Haermeyer is nowhere to be seen. The job's left to his very overworked spokesman, George Svigos, who gets to take the heat while maintaining the party line:

George Svigos, spokes man for Police Minister Andre Haermeyer, said the reduction in fines showed motorists were getting the message and slowing down. "Speed enforcement is saving lives," he said. "Approximately 50 more people will sit down to Christmas dinner with their families this year than last year. "Victoria is on track for its lowest road toll since records began in 1952.

This line is a total furphy. The road toll has been decreasing steadily since about 1970. This year will, and should, continue the trend. It would be interesting to see how often minor speeding (just over the limit) contributes to accidents compared with drink-driving, careless driving (including hoonism), car conditions, weather conditions, road conditions and downright bad luck.

HIMNO DE FIASCO

Was Tennis Australia on the deuce? Yesterday's mistake with the Spanish Notional Anthem was stupido y penoso, but what an overreaction as the Spanish fly off the handle:

THE Spanish Government has demanded a federal inquiry into yesterday's right royal stuff-up at the Davis Cup opening ceremony. The Spanish team, the country's Sports Minister, its ambassador to Australia and hundreds of patriotic fans were outraged when trumpeter James Morrison played the wrong national anthem at the opening ceremony. The tune, Himno De Riego, has not been the anthem for more than 60 years. It had been the official theme of the 1931-39 Second Republic, when King Alfonso, 13, was forced off the throne.

No, it doesn't warrant an inquiry. On second thoughts, we are in Braxtoria. Anyway, it's happened before, and without the threat of any international rumpusness:

Zali Steggall (AUS)
They played the wrong anthem when she won Australia's first gold medal at World Skiing Championships.

And, unlike Barcelona in 2000, no one got pick-pocketed, mugged, bashed, abused or stabbed:

But it was on Los Ramblas (the famous city street) that many Fanatics will have their clearest memory. With over 100 Fanatics mugged, stabbed or beaten up by the locals that weekend it is difficult to say a good word about the place. One of the most picturesque cities on earth is still talked about by many Fanatics present that weekend as a grubby little arm pit. And its not just the Fanatics, a large group of Australian officials including family members of the team where pick pocketed & abused with Albert Costa getting up front the bench & directly telling a wife of one of the Australian Davis Cup team to "shut up & sit down bitch" when she was cheering for Australia.

SHOW US YOUR GLITZ!

The AFIs, the ARIAs and the Logies all get heavy duty coverage in the media. Last night the Walkleys were on, Wednesday the Funnies celebrated the depressing return of laughless humour:

It's a good time to hold these awards. Australian comedy is riding a wave at the moment, particularly with the return of sketch comedy shows to the commercial television networks.

There was another awards night Wednesday; a night where pure naked ambition is celebrated and rewarded: The Wankleys.

BRAZILIANS SOUGHT & CAUGHT

How long before this video appears on the net?

FIVE men arrested yesterday allegedly used a video camera to film sexual assaults on teenage girls at Schoolies Week on the Gold Coast.

The five men, aged from 20 to 25, are all Brazilian on student visas.

They were arrested yesterday after allegedly filming up a teenager's skirt without her knowledge.

Police said a male companion of the alleged victim realised what was going on and confronted the men.

He was then chased and beaten with what appeared to be a garden stake.

The five have been charged with assault.

Police are examining the contents of seized videos to determine if indecent assault charges will be laid. A Queensland Police spokesman said it appeared indecent assaults and groping of young women had been filmed on video.

The arrests came as the Australian Medical Association warned of drink-spiking after 16 girls fell victim at a Schoolies Week party in Brisbane.

Obviously unwanted attention is a bitch but somehow the issue's gotta get blurry around the edges when the whole objective of Schoolies Week is to get blind drunk and rooted ragged. And in all probability, stoned to the bejeezus-belt.

Other searchword suggestions: queensland, schoolgirls, teen sleaze, tease, toolies, upskirt, knickers, panties, undies, cheap hits.

BASTARD & PHILANDERER

It's often been hinted that Patrick O'Brian was something of a bounder. And so it would appear from Ben Fenton's none too flattering article in yesterday's Telegraph:

Patrick O'Brian, the historical novelist, who abandoned his first wife and two children to a life of poverty, later portrayed her as drunken, illiterate and immoral so that he could win custody of his son, according to newly-discovered archive papers.

Many thanks to Bernard.M for the link.

BOGUS BONUS BUGGERED?

Given our propensity to import ideas from Uncle Sam, the State Government will be quaking in their wellies if the following scenario is mirrored here.

Particularly Labor liability Andre Haermeyer who's shown himself breathtakingly incapable of managing his own Law'n Order portfolio.

How do you spell reshuffle, Andre?

Anyway, it appears California's speed camera rules have been successfully challenged in court.

There's no reason to believe the same thing won't happen here in some form or another. It's probably only a matter of time. All it needs is someone with the time and money (and ambition) to mount the challenge and brandish it in the media and the issue gains momentum. Not that this issue isn't already set to shunt Haermeyer into the back benches.

Could that person be Sarah Henderson? She's a lawyer, works for a management group which has access to the media and what's more, is the daughter of an ex Liberal minister. For the second week in a row she's addressing the issue. Like me, she questions Andre's Bogus Bonus system:

Speed should not pay
By Sarah Henderson

FOR anyone contemplating legal action over the speed camera fiasco, it would be worth having a look at what's going on in the US state of California.

And Police Minister Andre Haermeyer might think twice about his highly questionable deal, which gives speed camera operator Tenix a bonus payment for every speed camera conviction.

The appellate division of the San Diego Superior Court has just upheld an earlier decision of the court that found that city officials were in breach of state law when they allowed a private company to operate red-light cameras.

As is reported in the San Diego Union-Tribune, Judge Ronald Styn ruled in 2001 that the operators of the red-light cameras, Lockheed Martin, had too much authority over the enforcement of red-light offences.

This was because Californian law provided that "only a governmental agency, in co-operation with a law enforcement agency, may operate an automated enforcement system".

There is no such parallel provision in Victorian law. Here, the police have the power to delegate law enforcement duties to private companies such as Tenix.

But what is really interesting about this case is what came next.

Judge Styn attacked the city's policy of paying a fee to the speed camera operator for every conviction it obtained on the basis that it made the evidence collected by the camera's computer systems -- the photos themselves -- "untrustworthy and unreliable".

The appellate court decision confirms it is illegal for a private law-enforcement operator to profit from its convictions.

The landmark case has led to a radical change in Californian law.

From January 2004, private operators of red-light cameras will be prohibited from charging a fee that is contingent on the success of each traffic law conviction.

The San Diego lawyer who ran the case, Arthur Tait, told me yesterday: "The judge found that the contingent fee was illegal -- there was too much incentive for the private profit-making company and that made the system (and the convictions) unreliable.

"In this country, it is a violation of due process to pay a witness a fee which is contingent on the outcome that the testimony produces," he said.

And there is no reason to think that the same principle of law would not apply in Australia. After all, do members of the homicide squad receive a Christmas bonus if they give evidence that convicts a certain number of murderers a year?

Do our traffic squad police receive that little bit extra in their weekly pay packet for every speeding or red-light ticket they issue?

Of course not. Because the minute we start to pay police for the evidence they give that results in a conviction is the minute that public faith in our system of law enforcement goes out the window.

If Detective Bloggs was to receive a $2000 bonus for giving evidence that resulted in the conviction of an armed robber, that evidence would, almost certainly, be tainted such that it would be inadmissible in a court of law.

In the same way, the evidence of Tenix, which receives $16 for every accurate image of a motorist that leads to conviction, can be questioned.

Tait says that when he first became involved in the Californian red-light camera case, he didn't think there would be too much at stake.

But his perception soon changed when he discovered how susceptible the camera technology was to fault, interference or deliberate manipulation -- notwithstanding that the camera operator was not found guilty of any such conduct.

There are no perfect parallels between this case and what might be arguable under Victorian law. In throwing out the red-light camera convictions, the Californian court was influenced by the breach of state law and the fact that the private operator's total remuneration -- some US$70 per ticket -- was derived from each successful conviction.

Tenix's remuneration combines a flat fee with a bonus for each conviction, which provides windfall payments to the company of up to $104,000 a month.

Nevertheless, this case provides the best evidence yet that these bonus payments, which Police Minister Haermeyer tried to keep secret from State Parliament, are fundamentally flawed and should not continue.

That covers the bonus payments. What about fines in general?

I know it's only a TV show, but on CSI last night a mistake made by one of the investigators caused an explosion in the laboratory.

This in turn led to the suspension from duty of the offending investigator when it was alleged that because of the investigator's incompetance it would be possible for defence lawyers to cast doubt over the validity of any forensic findings and thus have charges dismissed.

I'd suggest that the doubt engendered by any erroneous speed camera readings would threaten not just the bonus payments system but the whole nature of speed camera penalties.

And should that situation transpire expect the cowardly Andre to try to dodge more heat whilst the standard "Kennett-did-it" quote comes from his spokesman, George Svigos because after four years Andre's well and truly worn it out.

PS: Has Bob Gunton ever played a good guy?

SHEIKH UP OR SHIP OUT

Speaking of Bolta, he often corresponds on clerics clamming up so he'd be happy to hear that Sheikh Taj Al Burrow, our leading Muffet, has taken a lusty swipe at those Muslims who live here in Straya but reckon the place is evil and rotten and bad. But stay anyway:

"Australia is our compassionate mother, and I say to every person living in Australia, from the person in the highest office down to the ordinary man on the street, love this country or leave it, shape up or ship out," Sheikh Hilali said.

The same goes for the Poms in the pub on Satdee night.

LOST NOW FOUND

Yesterday I referred to Andrew Bolt's Aussie Idol article but couldn't find a link.

It's here today, and here:

So, who's racist?
Even though it wasn't trying to, Australian Idol gave us a wonderful glimpse of what our great nation is all about.

MARCIA Hines, the much-loved singer, was near tears as she told Shannon Noll and Guy Sebastian: "You have both represented what the youth of Australia is."
The raucous crowd behind her at the Sydney Opera House screamed, cheered, clapped and whistled. They sure agreed.

And then the winner of Channel 10's Australian Idol contest -- chosen by hundreds of thousands of phone-voting suburban Australians -- was finally named, as millions of viewers held their breath.

Yes! The Australian Idol, who most "represented what the youth of Australia is", was . . . Sebastian, a clearly Asian boy from Malaysia. The people's choice.

What chance, do you think, of the reverse ever happening -- of an Australian being voted the winner of a Malaysian sing-fest?

Yet it is Australia that is so casually demonised as racist, not just by Malaysia's now retired prime minister Mahathir Mohamad, but by our own intellectuals.

We're xenophobes who "invite the region's contempt", declares academic and former diplomat Alison Broinowski in her recent book, citing approvingly a rabid Malaysian commentator who accuses us of liking beer and talking Strine.

It astonishes me how easily and often we're dismissed as racists, particularly in intellectual circles. How can so many of our finest minds think so badly of such a decent and generous country?

Take this week -- or any week, really. Film director George Miller was asked to explain why so many Australian films were such stinkers at the box office.

You might think the reason is simple: most are bad or boring. And lately they've been insulting, too -- insulting to us, our country and our intelligence. I mean, how many films nag about the racism that is supposed to sleaze out of our every gaping pore, but which few of us can actually see?

Yet Miller, like so many of his class, insists this toxic make-believe is the only kind of story we're fit for.

"We really don't have significant stories to tell, perhaps apart from the indigenous story," he told The Australian.

"And Australia at its heart is so racist that I don't think we can stomach it."

Actually, George, what we can't stomach is such condescending and self-congratulatory bull. Hines herself tackled the racism lie when a Fijian-born contestant on Australian Idol, Paulini Curuenavuli, was voted off in one of the final rounds.

Did this prove Australians didn't like dark-skinned folk, one newspaper eagerly asked?

Hines, a beautifully black singer who came to Australia from the United States nearly 25 years ago and was an Idol judge, treated that whip-me suggestion with the disdain it deserved.

"The Australian public voted me, through TV Week, Queen of Pop three times," she reminded her interrogator.

"Paulini and I are about the same colour."

As are Cathy Freeman, Ernie Dingo, John Ah Kit, Adam Goodes, Kamahl, Evonne Cawley and many other admired Australians.

Racist? What proof do our critics -- many of whom lurk around pulpits, lecterns and newspaper offices -- have for such a serious charge against their countrymen?

It is true that Australians don't much like strangers who come into our house through the back window, or who, once in, want to rearrange all the furniture.

But while most Australians reject -- with good reason -- illegal immigrants and multiculturalism, they have always welcomed the newcomers who demonstrate a proper respect and affection for this land they've chosen to call home.

This was made clear in the mass-immigration 1950s by They're a Weird Mob, a book by a man posing as Nino Culotta, an open-hearted Italian migrant happily doing his clumsy best to become an Australian.

This book by John O'Grady didn't become a best-seller because we hate foreigners or are racist. It sold well, in the year my parents arrived, because it was funny, and said what we were keen to hear -- that this was a country that hundreds of thousands of migrants would be proud to be part of. To belong to.

That's all the reassurance most Australians have ever needed to make them welcome strangers. If you like us, you're one of us.

Idol demonstrated that famed tolerance of ours so very well. Sebastian and Shannon Noll, the runner-up, showed us in the final weeks that they'd become good mates, yet how different they are.

The Malaysian-born Sebastian is a Pentecostal Christian teacher from Adelaide, and professed virgin. Noll is a drawling farmer from New South Wales who is not married to the mother of his two children.

All the two men seem to have in common -- apart from fine voices -- is that they're both easygoing, respectful of others, self-deprecating, ready for a laugh and loyal to family and friends. And they're triers, with a bit of dash.

It may not seem very distinctive, but to me it spells Australia, and it's wonderful. Why don't George Miller and his tribe think this story of our country -- of tolerance, spunk, good humour and mateship -- is significant and worth telling?

All they need do is to look at Guy Sebastian to see what a marvel Australia is.

Or they could listen to his single, to be released next Monday. It's called Angels Brought Me Here. And of course they did. Where else would angels live?

This article brought to you courtesy of Ynot Rolyat Media Research.

I THINK THEREFORE I DON'T

Consider the following non sequitur:

Ian Thorpe looks gay, Ian Thorpe honks pipe.

Another:

Bedevere: What also floats in water?

Villager #1: Bread!

Villager #2: Apples!

Villager #3: Uh, very small rocks!

Villager #1: Cider!

Villager #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!

Villager #1: Cherries!

Villager #2: Mud!

Villager #3: Churches! Churches!

Villager #2: Lead! Lead!

Arthur: A duck!

Crowd: Oooh.

Bedevere: Exactly. So, logically...

Villager #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.

Bedevere: And therefore?

Villager #2: A witch!

And, from class last Friday, another:

James (A wog): Having a few beers this weekend, Sir?

Tony: I don't drink.

James: What? I thought you were a pisshead!

Tony: Why?

James: You were talking about football.

Another?

James is Greek, James likes it apo piso.

NEED FOR SPEED FOR GREED

Ladies Who Do have nothing on this clean up job....

A SYDNEY cleaner was jailed today for up to eight years after being found with enough pseudoephedrine to make $41 million worth of speed.

Milan Uzelac, 44, was working for a cleaning company contracted to Pfizer in Sydney's south when he began smuggling out cold and flu tablets with a 21-year-old accomplice between June 2001 and January 2002.

Uzelac was arrested on January 16 last year after a six-month undercover police investigation.

Officers discovered 26kg of pure pseudoephedrine, and a further 657kg of cold and flu tablets containing the same drug, stashed in a drum in his car boot.

NSW District Court judge Ken Taylor said he took into account Uzelac's gambling addiction and cocaine use when sentencing.

"The defendant was motivated by greed," Judge Taylor said.

Uzelac was sentenced to a maximum of eight years jail with a non-parole period of five years.

Would Uzelac have been released if he was also caught with 657kg of tissues?

MIKE THE TRIKE

ODD ANGRY SCOT

Spoke too soon. But why's Robin McKie mad at US instead of England? Strange. As a Scot he's obviously well accustomed to losing but he's lost to them way more than us....

Even better, their opponents were Australia, a nation in dire need of a good kicking. Look at last week's events: voodoo cut-outs of Jonny Wilkinson, newspapers urging fans to chant outside the England team's hotel to stop them sleeping, and headlines that denounced both team and nation for being boring. Coming from a nation that is nothing but a glorified sheep farm, that is really rich.

Sheep farmers? That hurts. Mac The Knife cuts deep.

JONNY BRAVO WILKO OVER

Whenever Jim Maxwell calls for a close Ashes contest I call for a big gun. Sometimes Jim and his equalization comrades even have the gall to suggest an England win would be good for cricket. Insanity. It's OK for Jim, getting paid to jet the globe talking about cricket. Crazy talk.

The rest of us dumb shlubs know different. Should England win the Cup 'O Cinders every downunder Pom - who's been living here since ten pounds bought a ticket to ride - would give us bleedin' merry bally-heck.

Rugby's a bit different though. Especially here in Aussie Rules obsessed Braxtoria.

I dare say there'll be some gloating somewhere, but the truth of the matter is England were streets better on the night and in the face of a near catastrophic choke should have won by more that fifteen points. That observation is nothing at all to do with the fact I had money on them to win by more than fifteen points. Nothing. At all.

And then there's the Pommy papers. I was worried they'd run amok after last night's victory.

However, I was pleasantly surprised, pretty restrained stuff. The World's Best Tabloid flashed some cheescake, interviewed a soap-star and pulled a great stroke....

DESPERATE Aussie reporter Paul Kent told Sydney folk to stand outside England's hotel with bugles, drums and firecrackers to stop our boys sleeping.

Now you can get your own back after we discovered his mobile number. Ring 0061 4130 80846 — and give him hell!

Well, that's my fix of Rugby Union for the next four years. Now I'll sit back and watch the further development of Jon Jon's "kicking game" and Rugby's subsequent absorption into the superior Australian Football League.

Out.

MERRY QUANT

Hard at work driving Straya's financial aspirations, the Miwyonaire Factory (thanks Nubie) has produced a quant model to work out whether the Wallabies will win Webby, and why.

Bad news for the bath-dodgers, but if you're an Aussie things are looking good (pdf)....

Australia comes out on top in five of the seven measures, hence we predict the Aussies to win!

Jonny.B.Bad!

RUE DE REMARK

You know an issue's been flagged Code Fiasco when reporters barely bother to disguise their sledging....

THE financial woes of speed camera maker Poltech have caused chaos with the Bracks Government's attempts to line Geelong Rd with the road safety and revenue devices.

More rudeness please.

Q TIPS - OUR READERS DEAF

My ears must have been blocked. I can't have heard right.

Last night when the quizmaster referred to the "Impressive" Q Magazine I shook my head and thought; "You pathetic fool".

Following that insanity he asked us to name Q's top five from their list of 1001 Greatest Songs of All Time and as a hint gave us the top five artists.

When he said U2 had the No.1 song I nearly threw my glass at him.

Here's the "Top" ten...

1. U2 - One
2. Aretha Franklin - I Say a Little Prayer
3. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
4. The Beatles - A Day in the Life
5. Elvis Presley - In the Ghetto
6. Eminem - My Name Is
7. Radiohead - Creep
8. Destiny's Child - Independent Women
9. Oasis - Live Forever
10. Ike and Tina Turner - River Deep Mountain High

I'm tempted to think One at One is some sick joke but I know what sort of rank shiny turd Q Mag is. I'd look elsewhere for the whole list but I'm too scared. And scarred. Do so at your own peril.

Following is a much better list from Mojo in 2000. It's not perfect, but it's a fuck sight better than Q's putrid excrescence.

You'll notice there's no U2. I still can't get over their inclusion at number 1. It just confirms all my contempt for the modern music industry and the dumb tasteless shlubs in the listening world who lap up the industry's noxious and offensive outpourings.

There's no Aretha, although you could make a case for two or three songs. Say a Little Prayer, Respect, Natural Woman.

Nirvana has always been massively over-rated. Not bad, just over-rated. And there profile is more sound based rather than song based. It's more more reasonable to include Teen Spirit down the list.

Of course there are Beatles and Elvis. It's just a matter of how many.

No Eminen. His inclusion ranks - and I do mean ranks as in stale socks and dirty, skid-marked undies - with U2's.

I've never got Radiohead. I don't dislike them, I just don't get them. So "No Comment"

Destiny's Child. See U2 and Eminem. Why not include Bananarama? Or All Saints. Disgusting.

Oasis had some monster hits and are highly thought of in many critical circles. Especially in the UK where they get the usual "Home Team" support. I prefer Wonderwall but I don't object to their inclusion.

The Animals have a better version of River Deep Mountain High. I'm surprised the list doesn't include Nutbush City Limits. No Ike & Tina Turner for me.

I don't know who Q sampled, but it's stinkingly obvious they must have sent forms out to commercial FM radio stations and MTV. What an evil, malevolent fiasco!

Anyway, here's the Mojo list....

100 Greatest Songs Of All Time

1. In My Life - The Beatles

2. Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

3. Over The Rainbow - Judy Garland (John Martyn)

4. Here There And Everywhere - The Beatles

5. Tracks Of My Tears - The Miracles

6. The Times They Are A Changin' - Bob Dylan

7. Strange Fruit - Billie Holiday

8. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (George Michael)

9. People Get Ready - The Impressions

10. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brothers

11. Yesterday - The Beatles

12. I Say A Little Prayer - Dionne Warwick

13. God Only Knows - Beach Boys

14. Something - The Beatles; Frank Sinatra with Nelson Riddle

15. Every Time We Say Goodbye - Nan Wyn; Ella Fitzgerald

16. Fire And Rain - James Taylor; The Isley Brothers

17. Moon River - Andy Williams (Henry Mancini)

18. Stand By Me - Ben E King

19. Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles

20. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

21. I Heard It Through The Grapevine - Gladys Knight & The Pips; Marvin Gaye

22. Be My Baby - Ronettes

23. Many Rivers To Cross - Jimmy Cliff

24. Without You - Badfinger; Harry Nilsson

25. There A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths

26. Somewhere - Marilyn Cooper; Barbara Streisand

27. Jersey Girl - Tom Waits

28. I Go To Sleep - Peggy Lee; The Pretenders

29. Hey Jude - The Beatles

30. I Think It's Going To Rain Today - Judy Collins; Randy Newman

31. Mack The Knife - Kurt Gerren; Bobby Darin'

32. It's Too late - Carole King

33. Tired Of Being Alone - Al Green

34. There She Goes - The La's

35. I'm Stone In Love With You - The Stylistics

36. Just Like A Woman - Bob Dylan

37. Feel Like Going Home - Charlie Rich

38. Song To The Siren - Tim Buckley (This Mortal Coil)

39. Live Forever - Oasis

40. In The Ghetto - Elvis Presley

41. Love Letters - Dick Haymes; Ketty Lester (Alison Moyet/ Elvis Presley)

42. River Man - Nick Drake

43. The Long And Winding Road - - The Beatles

44. Dark End Of The Street - James Carr (Ry Cooder)

45. America - Simon & Garfunkel

46. Tower Of Song - Leonard Cohen

47. First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Peggy Seeger; Roberta Flack

48. Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground; Lou Reed

49. It's All In The Game - Tommy Edwards

50. Everybody's Talkin' - Fred Neil (Harry Nilsson)

51. Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry

52. A Case Of You - Joni Mitchell

53. Suspicious Minds - Mark James; Elvis Presley

54. Who Knows Where The Time Goes - Sandy Denny & the Strawbs; Fairport Convention

55. The Weight - The Band

56. Walk Away Renee - The Left Banke/ Four Tops

57. Someone To Watch Over Me - Gertrude Lawrence; Frank Sinatra

58. Only Love Can Break Your Heart - Neil Young; St Etienne

59. If You Don't Know Me By Now - Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes

60. Let It Be - The Beatles

61. Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks

62. Windmills Of Your Mind - Noel Harrison (Dusty Springfield)

63. White Christmas - Bing Crosby

64. God Bless The Child - Billie Holiday

65. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel

66. Baby I Need Your Loving - Four Tops

67. Killing Me Softly With His Song - Lori Leiberman; Roberta Flack

68. Ne Me Quitte Pas - Jacques Brel

69. Jealous Guy - John Lennon

70. One For My Baby - Frank Sinatra

71. To Love Somebody - Bee Gees (Jimmy Somerville)

72. Walking In Memphis - Marc Cohn

73. Blue Moon - Glen Gray; Elvis Presley (Marcels)

74. Just My Imagination - The Temptations

75. What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted - Jimmy Ruffin

76. Superstition - Stevie Wonder

77. Maybe I'm Amazed - Paul McCartney (The Faces)

78. Guantanamera - Perez Prado

79. My Funny Valentine - Chet Baker (Elvis Costello)

80. Different Drum - Linda Ronstadt

81. Make It Easy On Yourself - Jerry Butler; The Walker Brothers

82. Summertime - Abbie Mitchell; Janis Joplin (Ella Fitzgerald, Fun Boy
Three)

83. Makin' Whoopee - Eddie Cantor; Ray Charles

84. By the Time I Get to Phoenix - Johnny Rivers; Glen Campbell

85. September Song - Walter Huston (Frank Sinatra)

86. Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival

87. What A Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

88. Always On My Mind - Brenda Lee; Willie Nelson (Elvis Presley)

89. Reason To Believe - Tim Hardin (Rod Stewart)

90. This Land Is Your Land - Woody Guthrie

91. Ode To Billie Joe - Bobby Gentry

92. Losing My Mind - Dorothy Collins; Julia McKenzie (Liza Minnelli & the
Pet Shop Boys)

93. As Time Goes By - Jacques Renard; Dick Haymes (Dooley Wilson)

94. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

95. Goodnight Irene - Leadbelly

96. The Moon's A Harsh Mistress - Glen Campbell (Linda Ronstadt)

97. Baby One More Time - Britney Spears

98. Ever Fallen In Love - Buzzcocks

99. We Shall Overcome - Pete Seeger; Joan Baez

100. Desperado - The Eagles

Plenty there I wouldn't include but at least it doesn't rot out my eyes when I read it.

TORT TALK TODAY

Monday I suggested there hadn't been much tort talk over our speed camera fiasco and our struggling State Gummermint's relevant liabilities.

I further suggested that just one faulty reading could be all that's needed to cast doubt on that camera and thus cancel out any fines attributed to that camera.

Today in the Herald Sun opinion pages, lawyer Sarah Henderson, talks about just that.

Because their op-ed pages - apart from resident rockstar Andrew Bolt - aren't online, I get to practice my typing skills and thus bring all our Braxtorian "inappropriateness" to the rest of you deprived Strayans....

Coming clean on cameras
By Sarah Henderson

IF my experience is anything to go by, Victoria's speed camera fiasco is far worse than has been documented.

On Anzac Day in 2002, I was booked for speeding in the Burnley tunnel. I had been to the Anzac Day match at the MCG between Collingwood and Essendon.

After the game, I drove from the ground to my sister's house before returning home.

There was only one problem. At no time during that day did I travel through the Burnley tunnel. Or any tunnel, for that matter.

When I first received the speeding infringement, I didn't realise the error. But it was April 25 -- a day when I clearly recalled where I had and had not travelled -- so it wasn't long before I realised that I had become the victim of some monumental speed camera software stuff-up.

The funny thing is, I suspect that Poltech and the Government were aware of it as well. I didn't pay the fine. But I never received a summons. Or the sheriff on the front doorstep.

YET how many other motorists in the same situation have paid their fines and gained demerit points and lost their licences, not realising that they either weren't speeding or weren't there in the first place?

The Victorian Government must come clean about the speed camera fiasco.
As I've discovered, the problems that have been reported to date appear to be only the tip of the iceberg.

I have no doubt that if the Government opened its files to the people of Victoria, much of the $400 million annual revenue from speed cameras would be called into question.

If the Government refuses to honestly report the extent of the problem, it could also expose itself to a giant class-action lawsuit.

According to Bill O'Shea, the president of the Law Institute of Victoria, motorists may well have an action under the Trade Practices Act for misleading or deceptive conduct, or even a remedy under administrative law over the failure of the Government to conduct itself properly in office.

Legal action of this type would certainly be an option if it were discovered that the Government, its ministers or agencies had been involved in covering up the extent of the faulty speed cameras.

In any event, as each day passes, more and more doubt arises over the validity of speed camera fines. And the countless prosecutions and lost licences. And, ultimately, the credibility of the Bracks Government.

Who knows what the real truth is? For how long have the cameras been defective? And how seriously flawed is the system?

From the very beginning, Premier Steve Bracks and ministers Rob Hulls and Andre Haermeyer have handled this whole debacle extremely poorly.

When the Herald Sun broke the story, Premier Bracks promised to fix the problem. Yet he did nothing.

When the Law Institute of Victoria called on motorists to challenge infringement notices in court, Attorney-General Hulls defended the state's speed cameras and condemned the Law Institute for blatant self-interest.

O F course, we didn't hear anything about the Government's blatant interest in attempting to preserve as much speed camera revenue as it could.

It was only when further embarrassing defects were found that police announced a six-week freeze on the state's 47 speed cameras.

Bill O'Shea told me yesterday: "Unfair laws, laws that operate capriciously, are bad laws."

"The ministers should have been pulled into line for defending the indefensible. Frankly, if there'd been a Peter Beattie-style premier in this state, this wouldn't have happened."

"We need a premier who's prepared to jump on his ministers. (Bracks) should have intervened a lot earlier." The police will now refund fines, reverse demerit points and restore licences where dud cameras were to blame.

But the Law Institute says that any motorist who's been caught speeding by a fixed camera over the past six months should have the right to such recourse, without the onerous burden of having to prove that a particular camera was at fault.

By the way, Mr Hulls, that may cost a lot in revenue but not a cent in legal fees.

And it may also save further political damage on an issue which, whether they can see it or not, has the potential to bring down the Government.

[email protected] SARAH HENDERSON is a lawyer and director of Kudos Management

Licking my finger and holding it up, I detect far less legalistic vitriol blowing in the wind than would otherwise have been present under the previous government. The question remains as to whether the class-action clique are in the gummermint's pocket.

ONE TOO MANY NAILS IN THE COFFIN

Longtime Melbourne tennis identity Bob "Nails" Carmichael died yesterday....

FOR a man who loathed authority and unseemly behaviour in equal measure, Bob Carmichael was one of international sport's great enigmas.

For every player who can remember the former carpenter single-handedly hoisting Bob Brett into Kooyong's netting and threatening all kinds of havoc, there are just as many who have been upbraided by Carmichael's endless correction.

Carmichael, who died yesterday aged 63, did not go through with his threat against Brett - a rare change of heart for a man renowned for his high principle - but he seldom took a backward step in a compelling life.

When the Australian tennis family gathers to formally farewell "Nails", there will be no shortage of hilarious and heart-warming anecdotes.

Nails was a terrific bloke well known around Melbourne's tennis scene. Anyone who'd grown up playing the game here in the 60's and 70's - and later - would at some time have come across this excellent character.

In fact it was from Nails that I first heard the term "wet-fish" when a friend of mine offered up a floppy, flaccid excuse for a hand-shake at a tournament in 1980.

And if you think that's a cheap headline up-there....you'd be right, but it was too good to pass up. Had to be done. And anyway, Nails would approve.

MASTER AND COMMANDER

From the Arse End of the World

What with the upcoming release of Master and Commander, and me being a big fan of naval historical novels, I thought I might toss in a few thoughts on the topic.

There are numerous characters in the guns & thunder canon - boom boom. Hornblower (C.S.Forrester), Ramage (Dudley Pope), Bolitho (Alexander Kent) and Drinkwater (Richard Woodman) to name a few. All have been eagerly devoured by yours truly. Hornblower especially. Not forgetting the superb supporting characters in each series.

However, it's Patrick O'Brian's Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin and the stories of their various adventures that I consider the best of a very good lot.

In O'Brian's case, I've read nineteen of the twenty Aubrey/Maturin novels twice each. The twentieth, Blue at the Mizzen, had just been released when O'Brian died in January 2000 so I stopped reading it there and then. Right at page 192, with the idea I'd forever be able to look forward to reading just a little bit more of the saga. That may seem ludicrous, but if you'd become hooked like I had, and realised you'd only ever get to read 67 more pages, you may well have done the same thing. Not for me to read on as someone else finishes an "unfinished" novel, a la Forrester and the last Hornblower.

When I first heard they were making a film of the series my reaction was knee-jerk. I never thought of him as much of an actor - Gladiator is not an Oscarworthy performance - so I was initially surprised they'd pick Russell Crowe as Aubrey. I'd never heard of Paul Bettany and when I first saw him I thought he looked nothing like my idea of Maturin. Is he to be as ruthless as Maturin can be in the books? And Peter Weir might turn the movie into something hideous. Dead Sailor's Society, anyone?

On further reflection it occurred to me that Russell Crowe is about the ONLY major actor going around today suitable for the role. Perhaps not physically big enough for the role of Cap'n Jack, but certainly robust enough with the requisite rough edges. At the moment, because I don't know Bettany, I'm happy to accept Weir’s idea of him as Maturin. And while Weir himself has made some howlers - Green Card, Mosquito Coast, The Year of Living Dangerously - he's also made some goodies - Picnic at Hanging Rock, The Last Wave, Witness, Gallipoli and the somewhat over-rated Fearless.

Although I'm pragmatic enough to realise the books I like and their cinematic adaptions rarely compare favourably, I find myself eagerly anticipating this particular release. As long as the film's not too much of a balls-up I'm prepared to enjoy it purely as a big screen event.

Never the less, a few things are concerning.

One, the ability of the actors to satisfactorily carry off the books' dialogue. When you read it in one of the books, if you misunderstand a sentence you can go back and read it again. In a film you can't ask the projectionist to rewind it for you.

The following is a grab from Desolation Island:

"A burton-tackle to the chess tree," he called, loud and clear. "Lead aft to the snatch-block fast to the aftermost ring-bolts and forward free. Look alive there, look alive. Light along that snatch-block, Craig." Order came from apparent confusion in five minutes: the half drowned bosun's party scrambled in from the chess-trees; and the whole ship's company crowded into the waist and along the gangways, standing by the cablets that were to act as horizontal falls, working with a threefold power.

"Silence for and aft," cried Jack. Starboard, tally on. At the word, now, and all together cheerly: like a bowline. Ho, one. Ho, two. Ho, belay. Larboard, clap on. Ho, one. Ho, two. Ho, belay.

Detail galore. Strange words. In rapid fashion. As opposed to general storytelling. How is O'Brian's staccato, yet intensely detailed wordplay to be transferred to the screen?

That little snatch doesn't even come close to capturing the resonance of what is some wonderful literature. The literary aspect of any novel presents, purely by nature, a difficult proposition upon transfer to the screen.

Another is that the film is set totally at sea. Some of the best parts of the books are Jack's and Stephen's dry land adventures. North America, South America, the Med, Australia, Scandanavia and, of course England. I'll miss those, as they're also the best written parts of O'Brian's books. Even though O'Brian has more detail, I reckon Forrester does battles better than O'Brian.

As far as the cast is concerned, I don't know much about the rest, but I do like the idea of David Threlfall as the snidely Killick.

There's been a great deal of publicity blurb in recent weeks. The weekend glossies in The Australian and The Herald Sun have both run articles on the film. There was even an item on the Channel 9 news the other night. Big Kerry must have production shares.

This doesn't bode well. The cynics amongst us all realise the tendency of the quality of a film to be indirectly proportional to the amount of publicity it gets. Publicity is rarely randomly generated in the form of genuine "interest pieces".  Clever promoters pay to get their product placed in all the relevant outlets. Especially if they're concerned the movie might tank.

One thing I've not read, however, is anything about one of the primary influences for Aubrey character. Most consist of the inevitable comparisons with Hornblower, and they generally mention the author's irregular past, but nowhere have I seen mentioned the real basis for the Aubrey character. To be fair to the critics, it's their job to know about film, not be experts in naval history.

I guess my blog's as good as any to quote a snap bio of the real Captain Jack Aubrey, Thomas, Lord Cochrane:

The life of Thomas, Lord Cochrane was more extraordinary than that of Nelson, and more than outshines his fictional counterparts, Horatio Hornblower and Jack Aubrey. He made his name battling Napoleon's navy in a series of heroic and outstanding actions, often fighting his ship against seemingly overwhelming odds. His life on land was equally dramatic. As a campaigner against corruption in the Admiralty he won himself many enemies, and was later framed in a stock exchange fraud. Following his imprisonment he returned to the sea and, in a series of dramatic actions again famous for their disregard of the most daunting risks, help liberate Brazil and Chile from colonial rule

Really a very striking parallel with the career of Jack Aubrey.

All in all, I'm prepared to accept the film at face value unless it's a rancid woofer. At the moment.

Via a recent read-around I notice the Bunyip has mentioned the film and he raises an interesting point. If someone you don't like (Tim Dunlop and Mike Carlton) gives a film a thumbs-up, does that mean there's something wrong with it?

When Tim Dunlop hailed "Master and Commander" as a fine flick, there was grief at the Billabong, and the mood grew worse when the clew-less Mike Carlton let it be known that he also had seen a preview and thought it first rate. Couldn't possibly be any good, that was the glum surmise, not if those two were rattling their Twisties with excitement.

Sunday night I watched Bob Ellis talking about the book Jarhead on Critical Mass. I enjoyed some of what he had to say and he made some interesting points, but always in the back of my mind was the idea that this was Bob Ellis. Left wing crank and professional shambles.

With that in mind here's a grab from O'Brian's own author's note at the start of The Nutmeg of Consolation. He cites as his primary source for life in Olde Sydney Town none other than our very own international man of opinions, oil paint and Indian judges, Robert Hughes:

In the case if the present tale, part of which is set in the colony of New South Wales, ordinarily known as Botany Bay, in the early day's of Macquarie's governorship, the providential book, providential to a very much greater degree, was Robert Hughes' splendid work The Fatal Shore. Although I had done a great deal of reading on the discovery and settlement of the colony when I was writing a life of Sir Joseph Banks (the first man to botanise in the notorious bay), those were early days, and there were great gaps to be filled: yet even if I had set aside years for solid research I could not have amassed, still less arranged, the immense quantity of material in this wide ranging, deeply informed, humane account of all aspects of the country's history, an account which I should in any case have read with the keenest anticipation and which at this juncture I fell upon with a delight that it would be uncandid to conceal.

I've never read The Fatal Shore - no doubt I should - but I've always suspected O'Brian may have been a little harsh on our origins based on the fact he's sourced Hughes. I'm probably wrong, but the suspicion won't go away.

Interestingly, Bunyip also mentions a naughty nautical phrase. I remember spotting the C-Splice in an early copy (1993) of, I think, I stress I think, HMS Surprise. On a subsequent re-reading of the whole series (1996), bar the last, I never again came across the term. Is it possible scissors were applied?

Rob Schaap has also posted on the post captain and his crew:

As for the film, I should not hesitate but send it back was it not to feature the Plum Duff and the Drowned Baby.

I should be uncommon sore tried, too, should they serve up a creation devoid of:
(a) Stephen clumsily making his way through some beast-infested jungle;
(b) Stephen banging his head or falling overboard;
(c) Stephen putting a waister's brain to rights [I must see a trepanner before I die];
(d) Jack discoursing on women or promotion;
(e) Jack going at it, toe to toe, with a froward froggie;
(f) a duet from the Great Cabin;
(g) a crewman caught in the 18-pounder's recoil;
(h) Diana deploying the decolletage with malice aforethought; and
(i) the Reading of the Articles of War.

These seem relatively inexpensive must-haves to me.

Good points all. Personally I'd love to see a peace pudding, Stephen playing his own brand of cricket, "Awkward Davis and Fat-Arse Jenks grasping driftwood clubs and looking grim" and the Leopard being doggedly pursued by the Dutch ship Waakzaamheid. Surely, to wantonly contradict my general observation above, one of the best-written and most ethereal events depicted in all the literature of warfare.

MALADY MOTEL

Apparently Melbourne's Alfred Hospital is full of sick people....

The Alfred hospital has restricted access to four of its wards because of an outbreak of gastroenteritis among patients and staff.

Up to 31 people yesterday remained confined to the affected wards, 16 of them hospital employees. Only three people were still displaying symptoms of the disease last night.

The Alfred's head of microbiology and infectious disease, Monash University associate professor Denis Spelman, said the symptoms of gastroenteritis usually ran for no more than two days.

"Some, once their symptoms have settled, will be discharged," he said.

He said staff working on the affected wards had been required to wear gowns and gloves and to wash their hands after dealing with each patient. "We also recommend that only immediate family members be allowed to visit, and that perhaps children not visit while the symptoms are still present," Professor Spelman said.

He said gastroenteritis was passed from hand to mouth, often by eating with unwashed hands.

What next? Dead people in cemetaries?

TONGUES TIED ON TORT TALK

There's been a lot of waffle talked, and plenty of blame shifting, but there doesn't seem to be much talk of a class action - yet.

Surely though, if there's any substance to this latest report all relevant speeding fines will eventually have to be refunded and points returned....

The Western Ring Road speed cameras at the centre of the latest Victorian Government fines fiasco could have been producing erroneous readings since February, according to VicRoads.

The revelation throws doubt on any speeding fine based on a reading from these cameras. VicRoads could not say how long the fault had been occurring, but confirmed the cameras were switched on in February.

I don't see how any of the fines issued by those cameras can be valid.

However, we're not hearing much from the the likes of Slater & Gordon and Maurice Blackburn Cashman. Were Kennett still in power these labour law firms would be all over this like shit on a blanket. Could it be they can't act because the State Government has them on retainer and they're making a packet already?

And they're still trying to snow us....

The regional manager of VicRoads Metro North West Region, Bruce Gidley, said the problem with the Western Ring Road cameras had been narrowed down to either the measuring device - strips in the tarmac that register a vehicle's speed - or the software that monitored them. The cameras themselves were working well, he said.

Doesn't wash, Bruce. That's like me saying my car's engine works beautifully but the steering wheel only turns left.

And Andre's gone missing again....

George Svigos, press secretary for Victorian Police Minister Andre Haermeyer, said it was his understanding that the cameras were still under warranty....VicRoads has had trouble contacting Poltech in recent weeks as the company veered into voluntary administration.

So what! The system's still buggered. And what's a warranty worth with the company virtually out of business?

Funny - ha ha - picture.

REVEALED HERE: HEAVYWEIGHTS ON SPEED

Yesterday in the Sunday Age - strangely I can't find a link anywhere - there was an article quoting the heads of various car companies. Each echoing sentiments expressed here at the AGB over the past month.

Geoff Polites - Ford....

"No car company condones speeding or unsafe driving but my concern is that there is an over-emphasis on speed and perhaps neglect of some of the other or equally more significant issues."

Malcolm Gough - Mazda....

"The focus on speed cameras is far too narrow....Having a highly visible raod presence is probably much more effective than relying on hidden or fixed cameras."

Michael Winkler - Porsche....

"The whole issue of focussing so much on the enforcement side makes a nation of speedo watchers and gives people the false impression they will be safe if they travel at the speed limit."

Franz Sauter - BMW....

"Speed cameras alone were a one-dimensional punitive approach and BMW preferred 'a holistic approach' incorporating elements such as driver training, vehicle quality and road design."

Horst Von Sanden - Mercedes....

"With the fixation on speed limit enforcement, people are not learning to assess their driving speed based on their skills, conditions of the car or the quality of the road. Instead they blindly obey a number posted on the side of the road or alternatively use their energy trying to avoid a speed camera."

Peter Hanenberger - Holden....

Hanenberger was particularly critical of the lack of training available to younger drivers, which he said was endangering lives.

Martin Ferguson - Labor....A little known Canberra car company. Mr Ferguson was quoted from a letter extracted via FOI (Friends Of I) and forwarded to the AGB....

"I do agree with you that there are significant benefits in advanced driver training schemes and I will endeavour to discuss this with my State and Territory counterparts who, ultimately, have responsibility for this area."

In a nutshell: as a matter of State Government priority it's all too clear. Why waste money teaching the public to drive, when money can be made out of them if you don't. Win. Win.

TOP COP COPS IT NOT

DW downtime meant I didn't blog this on Satdee....

How embarrassment!

Even a top police prosecutor cannot escape Victoria's speed limits fiasco.

VICTORIA'S top police prosecutor has taken on the system and beaten an embarrassing speed camera fine.

Victoria Police Superintendent Kerry Stephens, who is on stress leave, is the head of Victoria Police prosecutions, including those for speed camera fines.

But in a one-minute hearing in Ringwood Magistrates' Court yesterday, the top cop and his wife escaped a speeding fine case on a technicality.

Politically, that's got to bite. With words like "chaos", "disaster" and "fiasco" flying around, and with the rest of the state getting milked by speed cameras, one person who does manage to get off is a top cop. On a sneaky technicality....

Supt Stephens said many people were unaware of their rights when issued with speeding fines.

"What the traffic camera office doesn't tell people – and perhaps they should – is that there is a provision in the legislation that allows the owner of a car, if there is any doubt in relation to who was driving it, to provide a statutory declaration.

Stevens might find himself in trouble with Andre Haermeyer who's instructions to police are clear. "Admit nothing and get as much as you can before they wake up."

Anyway, it would seem to back up last week's 3AW report and Herald Sun article that insiders are getting an inside run.

THE REAL CHING

Rhymes with coke.

In related matters. SMS No.1 came from a Collingwood fan: Mmmm, black & white too. And I wish I could see Kiwi Tee Vee right now, and hear their talkback radio.

INTERFERENCE INFERRED

Or - The Art Of Noise Reduction

This may come as something of a shock, but before I was a teacher, I was an engineer. No, not the train driving kind. Although I did my apprenticeship on diesel-electric locomotives and I know how to drive a train.

I'm qualified as an Electrician and both an Electrical Engineer and an Electronic Engineer. Specifically one with six year's field experience installing sensitive monitoring equipment.

Excuse me while I remove my teacher's gown and close my Vana exercise book. I need to put on my hard-hat and insert my pen-filled plastic pocket protector. In my pocket.

Why on earth would I tell you this?

Well, it's because I want to write about something I've rarely mentioned here at the AGB. Road safety – ha ha – cameras.

Yesterday in The Age, the Over-funded Liability, Andre Haermeyer was quoted on the presumed causes of the erroneous camera readings....

"The evidence seems to suggest that there is not any sort of systemic problem where cameras routinely record false speeds," Mr Haermeyer said.

"It seems to be that it is itinerant, that it is very intermittent and that we don't know when and where it is going to happen. That seems to be consistent with some sort of electromagnetic interference."

"Electromagnetic interference" is commonly referred to as "noise".

In short, noise primarily occurs for two reasons. One, equipment generates a rogue signal that induces distortions in the signal voltages of adjacent equipment. And two, changing current in one circuit (standard AC, harmonics, spikes, etc) induces an unwanted voltage in the circuitry of a separate system.

Generally speaking, both those sources of noise are transient in nature. In fact they are sometimes referred to as "transients". They are precisely, in Andre's words, "itinerant", "intermittent" and "we don't know when and where it is going to happen".

A simple example is the static you might hear coming from a car radio as the speed of an engine increases. To stop it you install circuitry to intercept and quash the engine's undesired electromagnetic emissions. Another is the flicker lines across your TV as your neighbour fires up his band saw, blender or unseen vibrating device. You can usually stop the latter's interference if you jump the fence and whack your neighbour with said vibrating device.

None of these problems may be "systemic" per se, but they can certainly be a significant influence on a poorly installed "system".

I've never yet worked on a monitoring system where noise was not a consideration. And I've worked on only a few where it wasn't a problem that didn't require detailed attention.

In it's most simple form that attention usually consists of "shielding" the conductors and conductive parts of the installed system by diverting away from them any of the deleterious signals/voltages mentioned above. However, the worse the problem, the more elaborate the solution so other devices may be needed.

Most significantly from a transactional perspective, on none of the projects I've worked was the installed system accepted by the client until such time as it was shown the system operated correctly every time.

In other words, the commissioning time was extended and we got the system running right before we handed it over.

Where our road safety – Guff! Aww! – camera system is concerned there is one obvious cause of noise. I've already alluded to it, the cars themselves. But extreme road temperatures (both very hot AND very cold) around the sensors, moisture and anything unforseen can cause trouble.

There's another article in yesterday's Age detailing the system....

The most likely cause of false speeds were false "inputs" - right from the start. Trucks can set off false readings through "seismic vibrations" that can mistakenly set off the piezo sensors. Badly worn car suspension can cause wheels to bounce and momentarily lose contact with the road surface, confusing the readings. Loose cabling connections can produce noise and false camera signals.

Faulty amplifiers and noise filters can allow stray signals to pass.

Therefore, if "noise" is occurring in our road safety – ho ho – camera system, and it appears from Andre's admission it is, then it's badly shielded/protected and therefore isn't ready to be handed over for service.

More particularly, it's possible ANY photo/reading taken since it was installed – but not successfully commissioned – is wrong.

So far it's been shown three cameras were way out. However, not all transients are large. Who's to say twenty, thirty, forty or one hundred and seventy-six readings of, say, between five and ten over aren't also erroneous.

And if that's the case then there's no way that the system can accurately adjudicate speeds and therefore the benefit of the doubt must be given to the driver every time.

As it stands, the system cannot be relied upon and until it is it must be stopped, as well as all fines and points already issued rescinded.

The companies I did work for all operate under the Quality Assurance banner. That is, they guarantee the product they deliver conforms to a designated set of parameters. If their product falls short of those parameters it's not accepted.

Is it too much to ask that the government, which after all is driving the idea of Quality Assurance, operates within the same framework it promotes.

Finally, here's a tidy little chart to show how us Chumptorians are getting milked down here in Poohtown.

Yeee! Owww!

BACK IN BLOG

We're back! Apologies. There'll be no more of this....

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And lots more of this....

paris hilton porn

paris hilton naked

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paris hilton movie - that's here.

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Still on paris

How 'bout nikkers? And delts.

Not forgetting annabelle crabb, boobies and chest puppies. Pant. Pant.

And finally the sick, sicker and sickest.

THE KURDS OVERKILL AFFAIR

They came. They claimed. They've gone.

TRASH TALKING

What a load of rubbish....

Indonesia yesterday declared it would not become an immigration trash bin for Canberra as 14 Kurdish asylum-seekers complained of rough justice at the hands of Australia's Government and military.

They've got a nerve.

SPEED WOBBLES

First let me quote John Ferguson's opening sentence in today's Herald Sun Op-Ed page....

THE speed camera farce is a political and policing disaster.

That's far too waffly, I'll just tighten it up some....

THE speed camera farce is a political and policing disaster.

That's better. Ferguson's is yet another in a long line of Herald Sun articles detailing the incompetence, inaction and downright banditry of the Victorian gummermint in relation to road safety - ha ha - cameras.

Neil Mitchell at Threeore has also been running hard on the issue. Numerous times in the past couple of weeks he's been able to highlight the Baldrick-like incompetence in Andre Haermeyer's slapstick ministership.

Both the Hun and Threeore have called for fines to be stopped until such time as the road safety - ho ho - cameras have been fixed and their veracity assured. They've also called for fines already issued to be recalled and penalty points rescinded.

Police command, Steve Brax and Andre The Chimp have all talked around, above, below and somewhere in the general vicinity of the issue, without ever admitting there was a problem.

Now today on the Hun front page....

DRIVERS caught by dud speed cameras will have their penalties overturned after senior police stepped into the fiasco yesterday.

Even The Age, normally a criticism free zone for Labor, has acknowledged there's a bandwagon to jump on....

Fines generated by fixed speed cameras in Melbourne will be frozen for at least a month after the discovery of a third faulty camera.

Of course they were unable to bring themselves to utter the dreaded "B" word....

In a big reversal, police and the State Government yesterday agreed to withhold infringement notices from motorists caught by the fixed cameras until they are all tested over the next four to six weeks.

Backflip. They save that for when Jeff Kennett orders coffee instead of tea.

However, you'd be mistaken if you thought the Herald Sun or Neil Mitchell had anything to do with the gummermint backflip. Let's face it, no-one takes any notice of those two low rent community newletters.

No, the real story's here. We're happy to report to our enormous readership that the AGB and it's crack team of highly trained and strategically placed special agents have finally been able to force the Victorian gummermint to attend to it's hitherto draconian, and lately farcical, road safety - ha ha - camera policy.

SKID MARKING TIME

I'm pathetically off pace here, but I have to agree with Steve, Paul and Wog, and pretty much anyone else out here in the real world.

I caught about half an hour of Marking Time. Three of us were watching and each of us almost simultaneously vented; "this is awful". Then we switched to Miwyonaire. Speaks volumes, that. That young guy was stiff. Eddie gave him no chance. Fishy?

There's no need to review Marking Time here except to say I knew it must be bad for two reasons. One, The Age talked it up. That's as rancid a set of entrails as was ever extracted from a Roman pullet. And two, Doyle's got form. Changi turned golden source material into an over-modulated snore-fest. I guess it's his style that bites me hardest, but his content's pretty foul too.

No harsh treatment from the ABC/Fairfaxis of Evil, though. How on earth could the pundits there ever resist the idea of roguish, rough hewn Doyle going against character and penning a paean to their prejudices?

And while on Doyle. The Carnival and The Rugby Show - whatever it's called - are struggling. Sunday night's show was about the only good one. That in spite of George Negus smarming that we'd all come to love Muslims if only we'd just listen to wise Unca George. Did I mention he had a book to sell.

This latest spring twincarnation of Roy & HG's Dream and Ice Dream is definitely a case of "twice too often to the well".