After Grog Blog

HAIRDRYER BLOWS HOT AIR

More dish in today's Herald Sun - conspicuously not in The Age - about Andre Hairdryer and the Bogus Bonus Bounty.

Yesterday Hairdryer sought to blame it all on Jeff Kennett. It didn't take long for that pathetic - and overworked - excuse to unravel...

A RED-faced Bracks Government has admitted doubling a secret bonus to the company that operates Victoria's mobile speed cameras.

And Police Minister Andre Haermeyer was under intense pressure last night after providing the wrong information to State Parliament on the controversy.

It's not the first time Hairdryer's been a naughty minister. He's got form....

The extraordinary admissions follow Mr Haermeyer's handling of the police files case where he was forced to apologise to Parliament after using the protection of privilege to falsely attack a Liberal candidate last year.

Wake up, Hairdryer. Time to blow.

PS: When Brax challenged for the leadership in 1999 Hairdryer was Brax's "numbers man". Brax owes Hairdryer, don't expect Haermeyer to be sacked.

MISS TAUGHT, BOYS DISTRAUGHT

It's a thought....

A primary school teacher has offered an apology after being accused of encouraging students to walk over and kick misbehaving boys as a punishment.

I agree with the Ed Dept....it was totally "inapropriate managment"....of letters.

RACKET CREEP

Although the House of Brax is becoming increasingly concerned at the public outcry over Speed Road Safety Cameras, the money keeps rolling in so the street crime wave keeps rolling on....

A SECRET taxpayer-funded bonus of up to $104,000 a month is being handed to the company that operates Victoria's mobile speed cameras.

The government's response? Exercise the standard Kennett clause....

A spokesman for Police Minister Andre Haermeyer said the contract was first signed by the Kennett government in the early 1990s.

The early '90s? How long was the contract?

Tenix, which has a nine-year $461 million contract with the Government, faces penalties if it fails to reach its quota.

Nine years? Time to sign a new one....

The original performance bonus contract was signed by the Kennett government, but another contract has since been signed by the Bracks Government.

Liar, liar, scam on fire.

SHAKEDOWN BREAKDOWN

Good work - for a change - emanating from the Macquarie Bank (Speeding Dept) has uncovered a couple of solid citizens. Go read CarPoint for an extensive breakdown of the great Aussie shakedown...

The idea for CarPoint's six-part Road Safety feature, which kicked off in May 2003, was born out of frustration and disgust. Frustration at drivers for simply accepting the increasing use of speed cameras -- and the governmental-advertising brainwash that accompanies them.

And the NMAA on how governement speed merchants are selling you a bum trip....

Are you unfamiliar with research on driving/riding speed and its relationship to crashes, experienced in driving or riding, and intelligent enough to figure out that the speed kills misinformation doesn't wash when you relate it to your driving/riding experience? Would you like ammunition to use when "hard facts" are presented that go against common sense? This is the page for you.

I report. You decide. Ha Ha Ha Ha.

MARGADELIC

Influence revealed? I also wonder....

"Free Your Mind...and Your Brain Will Follow"

Coincidentally....the next album.

CHEESE PLATTERS

Slatts spins out a Desert Island Disc. After repeated FOI requests I managed to unearth some of his other favourites....

Here's another. Slatts reckons it belongs to the missus. We know better. And this. Rock on dude.

All the records are lovingly preserved in Slatt's high tech music storage facility.

FETCHING FATHER FLEECED

Some weeks back my dad drove out to Tullamarine Airport - possibly called Melbourne Airport these days - to pick up my brother.

You'll remember Seinfeld elevated "the pick-up" to some kind of mythical devil chore. It may be in Noo Yak, but here in Chumptoria it's generally a simple task. The airport's not too far away from town and City Link's a mighty fine road. Generally it takes about half an hour to get there from where dad lives.

Another reason for the pick up is the cost. It's a sixty-buck cab fare from Tulla to dad's burb and you get no discount even though you have to cradle the Melways and navigate for Mohammed the Somalian cabby.

The short-term carpark is out of the equation because of the steep costs. It's five bucks just to drive in the gate.

The shuttle bus into town is cheap enough ($20) but time's an issue because you have to get off at Spencer Street and catch either a train, tram or taxi to your eventual destination. Luggage lugged as you go.

There's no doubt the best way to and from the airport is via the personal shuttle service more commonly referred to as the relative.

What many people pickers do at Tulla is arrive a little early and wait outside the airport precinct reading the paper in their car while waiting for the pickee's call to come pick. The picker then swings by to pick up the pickee on the fly.

If you don't have a mobile phone the custom is to keep driving around in airport orbit, until such time as the pickee comes out the door and you swoop.

My dad doesn't have a mobile phone so he usually exercises the orbit option. On this occasion he wasn't sure the plane had landed so he pulled up outside the Virgin terminal, wound the window down and asked an attendant if the S'Siddey plane had landed.

The attendant, a nasty post-lobotomy drone, told dad he couldn't park there. Dad said something along the lines of only wanting to know when the plane arrived but the attendant insisted he move on.

Dad spotted the vicious, hopes thwarted, dull glimmer of hate in the attendant's eyes. So, driving an envy enhancing German car, he decided any argument would be futile - possibly dangerous - and proceeded into orbit until a little time later he saw my brother standing on the apron and stopped to pick him up.

Mission accomplished.

Dad thought no more of it until he received a parking ticket in the mail telling him he'd been pinged 110 bucks for the time he'd spent requesting flight info from the attendant.

Obviously dad was a little peeved at this so he rang the number on the ticket and was told, in effect: stiff shit. Contest it in court.

I know the airport staff doesn't fall under the same umbrella as the road traffic authorities but it seems to me another example of us Chumptorians being comprehensively stung.

KINDA KANDID

K....naa....Could be my all time favourite band is The Kinks....

Here is a story about a sinner
He used to be a winner
who enjoyed a life of prominence and position
But the pressures at the office and his socialite engagements
And his selfish wife's fanatical ambition
It turned him to the booze
And he got mixed up with a floosie
And she led him to a life of indecision
The floosie made him spend his dole
She left him lying on Skid Row
A drunken lag in some Salvation Army Mission
It's such a shame

Oh demon alcohol
Sad memories I cannot recall
Who thought I would say
Damn it all and blow it all
Oh demon alcohol
Memories I cannot recall
Who thought I would fall a slave to demon alcohol

Barley wine pink gin
He'll drink anything
Port, pernod or tequila
Rum, scotch, vodka on the rocks
As long as all his troubles disappeared
But he messed up his life and he beat up his wife
And the floosie's gone and found another sucker
She's gonna turn him on to drink
She's gonna lead him to the brink
And when his money's gone
She'll leave him in the gutter
It's such a shame

Oh demon alcohol
Sad memories I cannot recall
Who thought I would fall
A slave to demon alcohol

For what it's worth, it's six months since my last drink.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, DAYLIGHT ROBBERY

A little help, please. Last night here in Poohtown, Braxtoria, Frank Sinatra, The World we wound our watches, clocks, and microwaves forward one hour. So I'm down one hour's worth of shut-eye and I'm mighty cranky.

And lighter of pocket.

This morning, as usual, I read the Sunday Age and, as usual, there was rock all in it. So, as un-usual, I picked up the Agenda section.

That's the book, film, music, Michael-Shmith-spells-his-own-name-wrong section. Not much in it today but I stopped to read an article about Evelyn Waugh. Waugh's one of those authors who, from time to time, blips onto my radar screen and this week it's 100 years since he was born - and no, I wasn't confusing him with Steve.

Anyway, I enjoyed the article but I wouldn't mind some help with the first paragraph. The last sentence in particular....

Reviewing Evely Waugh's autobiography, A Little Learning, in 1961, the British critic and short-story writer V.S.Pritchett wrote: "For better of for worse, there is a masculine vein in English comedy, a vein which is sociable and not intellectual, sensible rather than sensitive. It shows us willingly paying the price of misanthropy for the pleasure of making a go of it in clubs - day and night - parsonages, public schools, villas, furnished apartments and other privacies of the national masochism."

Specifically....what the hell's all THAT mean?!?

Apropos to Waugh (Evelyn), whilst reading I was reminded that for some time now I'd been meaning to buy one of his books.

I've seen Brideshead but that's about the extent of it. However, he's one of those types of writers - like Anthony Powell - whose stuff I'd been told I'd enjoy so I've been meaning to investigate for him for ages.

I got in my car and headed off to Borders in Carlton. There's one closer in South Yarra - it's also easier to get a park in the lot behind - but I've got a friend who lives in North Melbourne who likes to visit bookshops so I thought I'd swing by and we'd see what the Borders on his side of town had to offer.

Turns out he was on this third can and wasn't up for the expedition so I headed off to Lygon Street alone.

Halfway up Grattan Street there was a detour sign diverting traffic away from where I wanted to go, Lygon Street. Seems there was yet another bloody ethnic festival on and the street was roped off to traffic. I was never going to find a park there - or even nearby - so decided I'd go to South Yarra afterall.

Sadly the enthusiasm for my book buying excursion was rudely snapped - and I do mean snapped - as I drove around from Punt Road and onto Alexandra Avenue.

I was cruising along in the traffic and a series of flickers caught my eye. There parked under the railway bridge, right where he always lurked was a speed camera. Because I'd been tooling along at the same speed as everyone else - happily minding my own business - I'd neglected to make sure my eyes were firmly fixed on the speedo. Where they should be, of course.

Can you believe it? Not one week after tempting fate with a string of posts slamming our "Road Safety Camera" policy I was pinged.

The most annoying thing is that not one of the cars - there were about ten of us - was doing anything wrong other than cruise along above the speed limit. I looked down at my speedo and I reckon I was probably doing about 71 or 72 in a 60 zone. Too fast even to complain about lack of leniency and revenue raising, but it's never the less a pain when you're caught whilst driving in a quickish slug of traffic. It wasn't as if I was passing anyone. It'd be a bloody miracle if someone else was snapped and I wasn't.

Now I'm going to have to wait for the hit to come. That's never pleasant. I reckon I'm going to get whacked for a couple hundred bucks and at least five points. The points will take me up to eight which means I've only four left so now I'll have to drive like a pensioner with a hat on his way to bowls.

Considering the dollars at stake I nearly didn't buy the books. I can tell you, I was mighty steamed in the shop. In fact, as I look at them now, I wonder if I'll enjoy any one of them. I'm sure that every time I pick one up I'll be distracted by the knowledge that as I was on my way to buy them I dropped a wad of cash and any remaining latitude in my points score.

Oh, and in case you're wondering....I bought The Scoop.

I also bought this, I love tabloid sci-fi. This, because I love guns and thunder. And this for the....words....and stuff.

Next time, however, I'm going to stay at home and buy books on the internet. In fact, I'm never going out to buy anything again.

F*** you very much, Mr Brax! For the road laws AND your bloody multicultural festival that made me break them.

HARD LINE FEVER

Not surprisingly, the Friends of the ABC came over all hot and bothered at Christopher Pearson's appointment to the ABC board....

THE Friends of the ABC today joined federal Labor in criticising the appointment of former adviser to the Liberal Party, Christopher Pearson, to the board of SBS television.

Mr Pearson, a journalist, is a former speechwriter for Prime Minister John Howard.

Friends of the ABC spokesman Darce Cassidy said Mr Pearson had previously been considered a contender for a vacancy on the ABC board.

"This is another step in the government's determined and relentless attack on the independence of Australia's public broadcasters," Mr Cassidy said in a statement.

He said that being a political conservative and a former speechwriter for the prime minister did not in itself disqualify Mr Pearson.

"Our concern is with the pattern of appointments to the ABC and SBS. As each vacancy occurs the government fills it with yet another hard-liner.

"The public broadcasters are rightly required to be balanced in their reporting and commentary.

"If the SBS or ABC chose a panel of commentators the way the government appoints their boards, they would be quickly found guilty of bias."

Mr Cassidy said there was a simple way to restore credibility to the appointment process.

"A conservative government in the United Kingdom introduced an open, transparent and merit-based system of appointment to public bodies," he said.

"Our own government uses a similar system to make appointments to its Fisheries Research Development Corporation.

"Why can't it use such a system with the SBS and the ABC?"

In response to Cassidy's caustic insinuation that the FRDC was in any way similar to the ABC, Friends of the FRDC could not be contacted.

COMEDY CONTINUES, THEN DOESN'T

More slapstick routines. This time from my very own local MP, Lindsay Tanner, who cracks gassy over stooge stacking at the ABC and SBS. In The Age....

"Not content with stacking the ABC board, John Howard is now stacking the SBS board with political stooges," Mr Tanner said. "John Howard is trying to turn the two national broadcasters into propaganda units for the Liberal Government."

I laughed until I stopped. The Glasshouse started.

FRIDAY FUNNIES

Any of you remember Elliot Rhodes, the Friday Night Funnyman from Frontline?

Elliot's gone now but luckily Jill Singer's stepped up to fill the gap with her regular gig at the Herald Sun's Opinion Lounge.

Last week her set piece was a ripsnorter - peppered as it was, with traces of embedded humour - involving journalists, military mayhem, coverup and collusion in Bagdhad. Oddly enough, for such a great yarn, it wasn't picked up by the press proper.

Today - well, guff my faws - it's that funniest of all topics, the Australian Film Industry.

Opening up, Jill cracks wise....

At present our cultural policy provides for a range of regulatory, budgetary and tax measures which support Australian-made films and television programs.

The reason for these protections is that our audiovisual industries are considered crucial in communicating and maintaining our sense of who we are.

Our? We? Nyuk. Nyuk. Nyuk. Jill cracks me up.

The only way to protect our cultural identity from being raped in a US free trade agreement is to totally exempt audiovisual products and services from the deal.

But the sad truth is our rampant free-marketeering conservatives aren't fighting for a broad exemption.

After all their efforts to rewrite our history, they're now scripting Australia's future to be a mere bit player in the new American empire.

Holy black armbands and Lyndall Ryan's cotton bloomers! Jill cracked up.

Click below and you can watch her crack up in full.

WHAT'S IN A SHAME?

Remember Egwene, Shellsea & Luke Skye Warner? Meet Dick, errr, Willie.

Thanks Burtois.

HE SHOOTS, HE MISSES

Phil Cleary - ex MP, ex football coach, ex teacher, ex pert - is currently the morning talkshow host on radio 3AK here in Poohville, Braxtoria.

Phil's something of an old school lefty masquerading as a chardonnay socialist masquerading as an old school lefty. You know the type, the ABC always refer to them as "Lovable Rogues". Braxtorians would be well aware of his public profile.

Yesterday before he lovingly mainlined Scott Burchill, he interviewed (hectored) Tony Abbott (First names Liberal & Headkicker) to discuss (lecture at) the minister's management (mismanagement) of the health portfolio.

I paraphrase....

Phil: "After the break we'll be grilling Tony Abbott over his new health portfolio."

Ad for ham.

Phil: "We're back with Tony Abbott. Morning minister."

Tone: "Morning Phil."

Phil: "Health....crisis....sick....Medicare....crisis....children...."

Tone: "Phil, we're committed to maintaining Medicare."

Phil: "Families....imminent....crisis....collapse...."

Tone: "Phil...."

Phil: "Threat....sick....kiddies....crisis...."

Tone: "Phil...."

Phil: "But minister. It's tough out there. You wouldn't know what it's like to look after kids."

Tone: "I've got three beautiful girls."

Phil: "See....errr....what?!?"

Tone: "Three girls. 14, 12 and 10." [Ed: Something like that]

Phil: "What? And....errr....how....errr....long have you had them?"

Tone: "14 years, 12 years and 10 years."

Phil: "Ahhh....yes....right....I should....ahhh....do my research."

Tone: "Anymore questions?"

Phil: "Ahhh....no....thanks for coming in. Say g'day to your kids for me."

Tone: "A pleasure. Will do."

To quote Dennis Commeti: "In goes Cleary. Ooooooh. Out goes Cleary."

The funny thing is, lurking somewhere deep inside his riff Phil was making some telling points. Then he blew it. And he knew it.

FAIR COPS: "NOT A FAIR COP"

The state government is becoming increasingly concerned by the general escalation in speed camera hostilities.

After an extensive series of crisis meetings and the subsequent strategic deployment of two regiments of battle hardened - and now substantially richer - consultants, their first "decisive" move was to change the name of "Speed Cameras" to "Road Safety Cameras".

In light of that hard-hitting cosmetic initiative, we await their response after the Herald Sun today reported ashamed police joining the anti-government offensive....

POLICE have broken ranks with the Bracks Government over speed cameras, claiming they are being used as blatant revenue raisers.

We must listen. Police are trained to spot bandits.

And the editor points out the obvious....

On one hand, the system claims to slow drivers. On the other, it raises ever-growing amounts from speeding.

The contradiction is obvious to drivers, and now to police.

Here's another contradiction. Two words only - shake and down.

POP QUIZ POPPED HERE

1) Working?

2) Bored?

3) Got Excel?

If you answered "HELL YEAH!" to all three questions you're well advised to immediately download thiz quiz - it's about 150k - and cue the downtime.

FOR WHOM THE ROAD TOLLS

Last Friday I posted an op-ed piece by English academic, Alan Buckingham, that detailed his opinions on the relationship between speeding and accidents. An article with which, I might add, I was broadly in agreement.

In that post I mentioned that....

I await next week's comprehensive article - similarly choc full o' facts - recounting just how far Alan Buckingham is from the real world and how we'd all be better off if we drove at 10 kph while an associate waved a red flag in front of the car.

Well, today in another unlinked article - pointedly positioned under a picture of a mangled car - Monash's Ian Johnston gets the right of reply....

A fast track to death

UK sociologist Alan Buckingham published a paper last week claiming:
SPEED is not a major factor in death and injury.

IT is safe to regularly exceed speed limits by "moderate" amounts.

SPEED enforcement, particularly by speed cameras, does not reduce death and injury.

He is wrong on every count and his paper is among the worst examples of pseudo-science I have ever come across.

Had it been a first-year student essay, it would have failed miserably.

No wonder it was published privately; it would never have been accepted by a scientific journal.

Let's look at the established facts.

Speed is strongly related to both the likelihood that a crash will occur and the probability of injury when a crash does occur.

The evidence against Dr Buckingham's first two propositions is overwhelming and comes from many different kinds of studies from many different parts of the world.

Case-control studies show that travel above the speed limit -- on both urban and rural roads -- contributes substantially to crashes.

Moreover, in urban areas, every 5 km/h over the limit roughly doubles the risk of a casualty crash.

Numerous studies around the world have examined the effects of changes in speed limit and shown conclusively that increases in speed limits lead to increases in casualties and vice versa. Small reductions in average travelling speed lead to large reductions in casualties.

Finally, crash reconstruction studies show the huge role that impact speed has upon injury severity.

For example, pedestrians die when struck much above 30km/h and side impacts at much above 50km/h result in serious injury. Alan Buckingham totally ignores this vast body of research evidence.

Speed enforcement in general -- and camera enforcement in particular -- does save lives and injury.

There is considerable research evidence, again from several countries, that intense speed enforcement using speed camera technology reduces road casualties. In the UK and in New South Wales, speed cameras are used as "black spot" treatments; that is, they are placed only at sites with bad crash histories, are highly visible and are well signed.

Crashes at those sites have reduced substantially compared with sites without cameras.

Alan Buckingham ignores these studies and conducts his own analysis -- using an invalid method.

He examined casualties on all roads throughout the UK, not just at the sites where the cameras were used, which were the only roads where an effect could be expected.

In Victoria, speed cameras are used differently. They are not limited to "black spots" but seek to create a larger crash reduction effect right across the road system by being placed "anywhere at any time".

Again there is ample evidence that this works, providing that the enforcement is intense.

Alan Buckingham also ignores this evidence.

Why have I bothered to respond to a paper that is so flawed that it was immediately dismissed by the scientific community?

Because I believe that creating a safe speed environment is fundamental to continued reductions in the road toll; because I know this is not a popular position, particularly among those who equate mobility with travel speed; and because there are lots of people who want to believe the assertions Alan Buckingham makes.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion -- no one is entitled to their own facts.

BECAUSE the Monash University Accident Research Centre conducts a lot of research for the Victorian Government, the lobbyists sometimes try to accuse us of bias.

However, we work extensively for the private sector as well as for governments throughout Australia and internationally. We are fiercely independent.
For example, I was one of those who argued that the Government should make speed management a basic road safety principle and I have kept that pressure up.

I admire the Victorian Government for holding its nerve in the face of enormous public controversy, but I remain critical of the Government's failure to assign speed camera revenue to other road safety measures.

That would put the revenue-raising accusation unequivocally to bed.

Professor IAN JOHNSTON is director of the Monash University Accident Research Centre

So there we have the other side of the argument. Robustly put in support of the government's mantra that....

One: The slower you drive the safer you'll be. (Where does it end?)

Two: The road safety campaign IS one of blanket deterrence and reform.

Three: If you disagree with your lecturer, you get failed.

However, it doesn't appear Johnston - in redefining Buckingham's agenda to suit his own - has addressed Buckingham's two core points.

Firstly, that the majority of drivers, driving marginally above the speed limit, do not constitute an undue proportion of accidents. Idiot drivers - too slow OR ultra fast - do. And yet it's the safe majority who bear the undue weight of the government's "revenue raising".

And secondly, that the onus should be on making drivers better not just slower.

At least he's in general agreement with the rest of us that the monies raised should go directly into road safety programs and not consolidated revenue.

However, with all the money that's coming in there's plenty of budgetary flexibility. Don't be surprised if the state government(s) seeks to takes some heat out of the issue by making a high profile policy announcement that redirects more speeding revenue directly into road traffic initiatives.

LA GRANDE ELUSION

I was a bit worried I was missing something but fortunately the point hadn't eluded just me.

What he said....

David Blaine is a great magician. David Blaine has worked ceaselessly since he was a child, perfecting his art. He's a prodigy. A virtuoso. A marvel whose fame will survive the ages. He has skills other magicians can only dream of. And he just put them on display...by sitting in a box.

Once upon a time magicians used to try to get OUT of boxes. Blaine must be sick of the classics.

SEEN AND NOT HERD

Preferably not seen, either.

I'm sure the Herald Sun publishes most letters to encourage as many people as possible to write in. And good on 'em. I'm also pretty sure The Hun doesn't take them seriously....

When the 50,000 sheep stranded on the Cormo Express reach the end of their journey, whether it be on the Cocos Islands or on mainland Australia, that end should be without cruelty.

The healthy sheep should be donated to war torn countries where food is scarce and people are starving.

It has already taken far too long for the Australian government to reach a decision regarding these sheep and many more of them are likely to die on the voyage home.

The Australian people must now see the problem dealt with successfully.

Grade 5 and 6 students,
Lethbridge Primary School

I'm also sure the thoroughly professional teacher would have had absolutely no input. None what-so-ever. Bugger all.

UP YOURS!

The Sunday Herald Sun's editor, Alan Howe on The Sunday Age....

Our rival is paying the price for its formidable chauvinism, failing even to satisfy its presumably modest ambitions

Shwing!

No doubt The Sage is shockingly trendoid, pandering to the café crowd, and it's quite frighteningly biased, but overall, how do The Sage and The Shun stack up against each other?

The Sage has a far better sports section with Rohan Connolly, Caroline Wilson, Jake Niall, Leaping Larry L, Greg Baum and Spanky Roebuck among others.

The Shun has an appalling sports section but does the general news section far better with many more interesting stories.

Both paper's opinion sections are a complete waste of time.

And like most Sunday papers worldwide, both have whole forests full of colour supplements and advertising blurb. Almost all of which land directly in the bin as they slip out of the paper proper.

If there was a limit on what I was allowed to read I'd cherry pick the news section of The Shun, the sports section of The Sage and because of Rob Lowing's dire movie reviews in the Sage, I'd pick The Shun TV guide.

REPEAT AFTER ME "HOSPITALS & SCHOOLS"

Yesterday while driving in the country I was discussing how good Victoria is these days and how it really ticks me off that everything bad is blamed on Jeff Kennett whereas everything good is eagerly trumpeted as another Labor triumph. That's politics, I suppose.

This conversation was prompted by a caller to 3AW who reported overhearing a conversation between some Vic Lib heavyweights. The gist was the Libs couldn't win government with Robert Doyle as leader and needed to go back to someone else.

I immediately found myself wondering if Jeff was going to toss his hat back into the ring. Then the caller said they were talking about Dennis Napthine.

Now, I reckon both Dennis Napthine and Robert Doyle have performed OK but neither seem to have the profile needed to grab the public's attention and thus punch through the Brax government's outrageous spin campaign.

This state government is performing one of the more cynical smoke & mirrors tricks in recent political history. And it's about time someone from the conservative side of politics called their bluff.

Labor are at it again today in the Herald Sun....

Government spokesman Phil Reed said the spending was necessary after the public service had been eroded in the Kennett years.

And....

Mr Reed said expenditure on consultants "diminished considerably when we came to office".

And in a subsection....

Government spokeswoman Kris Gough defended the spending, saying: "Advertising has reduced significantly under the Bracks government."

She goes on to say....

"If you look at these ads, they are about things like getting more nurses in hospital, improving water conservation, promoting safety in the workplace and encouraging people to move to provincial Victoria."

Therein lies the core of all Labor policy since 1999. Blame everything on the previous government. If you can't – judging by Brumby's pathetic attempt to lob the baby loans affair in Canberra – blame it on the federal version.

Labor won government in 1999 – sorry, just sleazed in with the assistance of that loathesome flunky, Susan Davies and the other two stooges, Russell Savage and Craig Ingram – by creating the impression that chaos existed. It's not hard to do when cutbacks had needed to be made and you have the help of the public sector unions. ABC included.

The nurses screeched that old people and sick kiddies were dying in hospitals. The cops that society was descending into chaos. The teachers that classrooms were bulging fit to burst. The ambos that people were dying in the street while waiting for attention. The trammies that everyone would have to walk to work. The ABC gave them all a dream ride.

The industrial unions (CFMEU, ETU) chanted, waved placards and marched a lot. Then they drank beer and had RDO's. However, they started doing that less than a month after Kennett was elected.

Little Sir Echo, Peter Batchelor performed stunts up and down the "criminally" tolled City Link. And "Labour Headkicker" Rob Hulls banged on about gambling and the casino.

Was any of this true? In part, yes. As it is all the time, and always will be. Was it a major problem? Probably not. The hullabaloo magically disappeared as soon as Labor took power.

I'm sure some patients did die in hospital. I'm sure they still do. After all, hospitals are full of sick and dying people. Was there anarchy in the streets? No, but it seems every time I open the paper today there's another unsolved gangland slaying. This despite police resources no longer being needed for speeding issues. Were classrooms choc-a-block? Who knows what the ideal size is. One to one sound fair? Back then it was reported as twenty-two or three. Virtually the same as it is now. And there's certainly no suggestion that kids are better educated. Not with me as a teacher, anyway. Were ambulances late? No doubt a few were. I bet the same few still are. Was there something wrong with public transport? Nope. It still runs just as efficiently as it did under Kennett's changes. Are tolls still criminal? Apparently not. Not unless the government wants to put itself in the dock. Is the casino the root of all evil? As soon as Labor took over Hulls was out and the "Casino Tax" has become one of the government's major sources of revenue.

Kennett's role shouldn't be neglected. He played a big part in his own downfall by approaching the '99 election in a blasé fashion. He would have done well to have a good look at the way John Howard takes absolutely nothing for granted. Unlike Howard, Kennett actively sought out reasons for people to dislike him. Those who dislike Howard always will, no matter what.

However, if it wasn't for Jeffery we'd be stuffed by now.

What should the Liberals do? Should Kennett make a comeback? Personally, I wish he would. Somehow I don't think he will but he's just the person to call out Labor's one-pair hand. Especially as they're playing with his pot.

Whenever Labor try on their nonsense, he would garner more attention than Doyle when he proclaimed Labor are living off his legacy, yet they've spent all the money on their mates and are now starting to rob us blind with speed cameras, as well as dig into the savings.

How long before they start borrowing to pay the wages of the extra nurses, cops and teachers who have made little difference.

If Victoria's a better place to live than it was in 1999, it's because of the reforms made by the Kennett government, not because Labor's given most of the money away to it's mates and spent the rest on consultants to monitor it's appeal.

However, the money's running out and the government will have to start to find ever more inventive ways to rake it in. It's at that point they'll have to prove they can properly manage the economy. I've got my doubts.

There's the toll issue in the east - one of the better back flips with pike I've seen. And then there's Braxy's lame letter to the residents affected. With the money running out he better get used to writing them.

The speed camera fines are starting to bite. The state government are so sick of the issue popping up in the media they are issuing a directive to have them stopped being called "Speed Cameras". They want them referred to as "Road Safety Cameras".

I've also heard a few recent whispers that John Brumby still harbours plenty of residual bitterness at being tossed by Brax. A leadership spat would be nice.

Ahhh well, I'll stop now. You can probably tell the cricket hasn't grabbed me. Never the less, if one good thing's come out of the '99 loss, it's that Howard can always point to it and say: "Look what happens when you get cocky".

TIGER STILL BURNING BRIGHT

A few weeks back I wrote about Brent Crosswell and how it was sad Meniere's Disease had robbed us of a fine sports writer.

More recently I had some thoughts on the Australia v Argentina game but resisted writing anything specific for two reasons.

Firstly, and possibly most significantly, I'm not overly interested in Rugby Union. Something of a killer, I guess.

The second flows from the first. I'm not entirely sure I wanted to try to gather and assemble my disjointed thoughts on the Aussies lack of cohesion, haphazard passing game, uninspired kicking, erratic lineout work, and my overall suspicion this team was a work in progress rather than one well placed to win the World Cup.

Coincidentally, it turns out I needn't have written anything because the Tiger's captured my thoughts almost verbatim - right down to Felipe Contepomi's name - and penned an article in today's Age that's as good a piece on the World Cup I've seen....

Mark Ella was talking about the Wallabies five weeks ago like he was a doctor telling a terminal patient very bluntly - you're terminal. "No combinations anywhere . . . problems all over the place . . . all-round game needs lots of improvement . . ."

Well, how is Ella's view standing up after the Argentina game? Not too bad, actually.

The Argentinians played the World Cup opener like their economy functions. Their lineout thrower, Mario Ledesma, who has more facial expressions than Marcel Marceau (even his eyebrows could put a sentence together) couldn't throw a straight lineout ball. Thanks to melodramatic Mario, the Wallabies gained five lineouts from the Pumas' own lineout throw.

And their kicker Felipe Contepomi (you'd kill for a name like that) missed all but one of his five attempts at goal. He kicked two from nine shots in their last encounter with the Wallabies in Buenos Aires. He's a model of consistency. With the theatrical Mario and the charismatic Felipe in their national side, you feel it's very important that the game stays amateur in Argentina. Those two in tandem ought to have put the Wallabies 30 points up.

But then brother Manuel Contepomi was sin-binned for 10 minutes. Felipe can't kick and Manuel hasn't got any brains, and I found myself wondering, well, really hoping, that Mr and Mrs Contepomi had a daughter. With Argentina down to 14 men, the Wallabies actually lost momentum.

Brilliant! Read the rest. That's an order!

It may be Australia CAN get their act together before the knock-out phase but like Crosswell, I doubt it. Never the less, we live in hope.

SPEED READING

Plenty of recent blog bustle regarding the latest issue du jour, speeding and speed cameras.

John Quiggin's done two, GP the Grievous Umpire one, Bad Boy Bunyip one and Ken Parish one.

Living in Braxtoria and thus a captive sluggee, I figured I may as well contribute this Hun op-ed slab detailing the connection between excessive speed and road accidents. It's relevant to the CIS study mentioned by Jason Soon and Dave Ricardo in JQ's blog. Like most op-ed gear in the Hun it's unlinked....

EXCESSIVE speed is involved in at least one-third of fatal accidents, according to a recent New South Wales Road Traffic Authority report.

So, sickened by the needless death on our roads, governments across Australia are taking action to reduce the death toll by lowering speeds.

And in some states, speed cameras have been handed a central role in ridding the roads of the speed menace.

But these policies are misconceived.

There is no simple relationship between speed and death and speed cameras aren't saving lives.

Australia's roads are not the dangerous places they are often portrayed to be.

Between 1980 and 2002 there has been a 48 per cent reduction in the number of road fatalities, with most of this drop occurring between 1980 and 1991.

This is now one of the safest countries in the world to drive: nearly twice as safe as Belgium and an astonishing seven times safer than Turkey.

If speed did kill then the safest roads would be urban roads where speeds are lowest. In fact, the reverse is true. It is freeways, where speeds are much higher, which are the safest roads.

Speeding is rarely the cause of accidents; certainly nowhere near as high as the figure of one-third that is frequently quoted. To get to this figure, reports often refer to any accident that has speed as a component as being "speed related".
But showing that speed is related to an accident does not show that it was the main cause of the accident.

British data, collected by police at the scene of accidents, show that "speed" was a definite contributory factor in just 7 per cent of accidents.

A bad driver travelling 20km/h below the limit can be a far more dangerous driver than one travelling 10km/h above the limit.

US data shows that it is those who travel moderately above the mean speed who are the safest drivers while the least safe drivers are the slowest and fastest.

Although speed cameras will catch the very fastest, they also catch the safe, moderate speeder, and they completely fail to catch the dangerous, slow driver.

Since 1992, Britain has experienced an explosion in the number of fixed cameras such that now there are an estimated 5000 in operation.

What has been the effect on the number of fatal deaths on British roads during this period?

Since their introduction, the average rate of decrease in fatalities is half that of the preceding 10 years.

The picture is similar in Australia. Victoria has had mobile speed cameras since the end of 1989 and NSW introduced mobile speed cameras in 1991 and fixed speed cameras in 1999.

Yet the overall drop in fatal deaths since these dates is no different from that experienced in Australia taken as a whole.

Moreover, in both of these states the downward trend in fatalities has slowed considerably in the past few years.

There are two reasons why speed cameras don't make our roads safer. The first is that speeding is rarely the cause of accidents.

The second is that cameras encourage drivers to stick rigidly and unthinkingly to speed limits. In so doing we run the risk of creating a nation of speedometer watchers who drive according to the dictates of the camera rather than according to the prevailing road conditions.

Driving culture in both Australia and Britain has been nurtured over the years to encourage attentive driving at speeds appropriate for the conditions.

It is this (together with better roads and improvements in car safety), which explains the impressive drop in road fatalities. It also explains why Belgian and Turkish roads are so much more dangerous to travel on; the same road culture isn't dominant in these countries.

The danger is, we risk throwing away our driving culture in pursuit of the opposite culture, which promotes compliance rather than judgment.

The growing obsession with speeding and speed cameras is a mistake.

Speeding is rarely the primary cause of fatal road accidents and attempts to catch speeders through increasing use of speed cameras are failing to make our roads safer (though they are generating a lot of extra revenue for state politicians).

Rather than the pointless pursuit of speeders, road safety policy should return to fostering a conscientious driving culture.

ALAN BUCKINGHAM lectures in sociology at Bath Spa University College, England. His full findings appear in the Centre for Independent Studies' Policy magazine

I await next week's comprehensive article - similarly choc full o' facts - recounting just how far Alan Buckingham is from the real world and how we'd all be better off if we drove at 10 kph while an associate waved a red flag in front of the car.

I find myself broadly in agreement with the article in that those drivers operating marginally above the speed limit cause comparatively few road accidents.

To whit, tooling along at 63 in a 60 zone hardly constitutes a significant road hazard. Getting fined $110 dollars (and points) for the pleasure is, however, a significant penalty. One which doesn't seem to equate with the offense.

On the other hand, if we have to put up with a few years of teeth gnashing soakage and subsequently end up as slower, yet safer drivers then it will have been worth it. The only problem with that is the government's dwindling revenue stream will mean they'll have to find some other way to slug us. At the moment it's a form of "User Pays".

Coincidentally I've recently been driving around Perth I think the slower driving may be somewhat problematic.

I discovered the speed limits there set significantly lower than here and found I was continually "up the arse" of the cars in front. Not only that, but I found Perth drivers spend an eon pulling away from the lights - "OI! MOVE IT, IDIOT! GET THE FU...." - I digress.

Roads such as Canning Highway, Guilford Road and Stirling Highway have speed limits generally set at 60 whereas equivalent roads here in Poohtown Braxtoria, Springvale Road, Bell Street and Hoddle Street have speed limits of 70, 80 and in some places 90. You can imagine my displeasure.

There's also Quigger's assertion that it's a left/right thing. Not sure I agree with that. I speak from a microcosmic standpoint when I note that I'm the only righty in the school common room and there's not one colleague that doesn't believe we're being outrageously mugged just so the government can find the funds to spend on their public sector maties. There's also a relevant consensus that some leniency in the form of a margin for error around the speed limits would be a more appropriate position for the government to take.

And finally, just in case you're reading this in another state and were wondering how much we get hit for here - last year ONE speed camera operating for around 200 days and situated on a slice of road in the Western Suburbs (Caroline Springs) contributed over $1,000,000 dollars to the state's "consolidated revenue". I assume that nebulous economic term indicates it's some form of slush fund for the pollies to spend at their discretion.

PS: I'd forgotten how good The Undertones were.

SINGER SILLY SONG

According to wanna-be lefty intellectual Jill Singer, the real reason for the ABC bias inquiry was to cover up the murder of journalists....

WHEN did the war on independent journalists begin?

Perhaps it was when US journalists first admitted their reluctance to question their government post 9/11 for fear of being seen as unpatriotic. That was strike one for Bush.

Strike one for Howard has come with the deeply-flawed inquiry into Senator Richard Alston's 68 complaints of bias levelled against the ABC current affairs program AM.

While the inquiry found no evidence of overall bias, it upheld 12 of Alston's complaints.

It shouldn't have. As AM's Linda Mottram has pointed out, she and her colleagues were not allowed input into the inquiry and have been denied natural justice.

She is also correct in pointing out that the panel provided the slimmest of rationales for its findings.

The finding that most disturbs me is the panel's upholding of Alston's complaints numbered 54 and 55.

The nub of his wrath was that Mottram sought to "give the impression that targeting of journalists may have been a deliberate Pentagon strategy".

The panel held that she did indeed make remarks that were open to this inter-
pretation and found her guilty of "serious" bias because there was "insufficient evidence to support these serious imputations".

This is utterly wrong. Anyone who claims there isn't evidence that non-embedded journalists were aimed at in Iraq is either a liar, a government stooge or a complete fool.

The rate at which journalists were killed in the war on Iraq is without precedent - 15 of the 17 killed were not embedded with coalition forces.

Anyone with a modicum of interest in journalism and justice should be screaming for an inquiry into the deaths. It is, after all, a war crime and a breach of the Geneva Convention to attack journalists, but what do we get instead?

Some trumped-up baloney that further helps to bury the truth along with the bodies. Consider what happened in Baghdad on April 8.

Early in the day the US launched two separate attacks on the Arabic language media networks al-Jazeera and Abu Dhabi TV, killing one key correspondent and wounding another.

An innocent mistake you might think, perhaps the US forces didn't mean to bomb journalists? Hardly.

Not keen on becoming "collateral damage" the networks had notified the Pentagon of their precise co-ordinates.

The Pentagon's response to the tragedy was that US forces acted in "self-defence" and were retaliating after being fired upon.

Media witnesses say this is nonsense. The Pentagon used the same excuse later in the day to justify another bombing, this time on the Palestine Hotel.

The hotel was well known as a press centre and base for journalists covering the war. Two journalists were killed in the attack and three injured.

The Pentagon says a US tank had been subjected to gunfire from the Palestine and so launched a retaliatory attack.

It was just a shame the journalists got caught in the crossfire. You have to ask how the US gets away with such murderous nonsense.

Well, it sure helps them if even Australian journalists are deemed to be guilty of "serious bias" if they dare ask questions about it.

The fact is that many journalists managed to survive the bombing of the Palestine Hotel and their eye-witness accounts prove the Pentagon's lie.

There was no gunfire against US forces from the hotel.

David Chater, who was there for British Sky TV, swears there wasn't a single gunshot from the hotel.

Other journalists report seeing the tank carefully select its target and taking some minutes to aim before firing.

AFTER the attack Aidan White, General Secretary of the International Federation of Journalists said "it is impossible not to detect a sinister pattern of targeting" nd called for an international inquiry into this and other attacks on non-embedded journalists.

These are serious allegations that US forces committed war crimes in Iraq by deliberately aiming at journalists.

It's a travesty that instead of an inquiry into these allegations we are now being forced to witness journalists subjected to show trials about alleged bias.

While progress in the war on terror proves to be a hard slog, we can see that when it comes to the war on journalism, Bush and Howard have undoubtedly inflicted major casualties on the truth.

Whereas Jill the Dill, in trying to deny a very real fact (the ABC is biased; end of argument) and hoping to join - "Pick me! Pick me!" - Fat Phil's gang that couldn't lie straight has taken some of the facts, mixed in a rumour or two, added a touch of personal bias, thrown in a pinch of deluded self-righteous certainty and served up her own version of the truth.

Unfortunately she forgot the main ingredient - proof.

Update: As reader Jim rightly points out: "Does Singer REALLY believe - I mean sincerely - that US troops deliberately killed journalists?"

Of course she doesn't. And that makes her under-graduate fabrications seem even more vacuous and fat-headed.

KAYINKAY

Forget the first test - Matt the Bat's magnum opus not with standing - you know summer's back proper when you hear Kerry O'Keefe's characteristic cricket comedy stylings percolating out of the SCG.

At the end of the first over he debated the wisdom of Zed's skipper, Heath Streak, sending in the Aussies under a cloudy canopy....

"Heath's obviously seen 8 Mile. Have you seen 8 Mile, Roger?"

....Roger Wills. Probably looking blank....

"No?

Well, in 8 Mile a young rapper, Rabbit, competes in a contest to see who's the best rapper going around.

Eventually he makes the final and has to toss a coin to see who performs first. The accepted wisdom being you always send the other rapper in first and then blow him away after.

Well, Rabbit loses the toss and has to go in first so everyone thinks he's a gonner but he's so good the other guy just gives up and goes home.

Obviously Streak hopes the Aussies will go home."

Roger's response? No response. Where's Spanky?

HAIRDRYER DEEMS DENYER DEMANDS "INAPPROPRIATE"

I would appear Barwon Prison's quite the party place. Only yesterday Paul Denyer wanted to wear make-up. Today, long dresses....

SERIAL killer Paul Denyer declared he was a Muslim before demanding the right to wear women's make-up. Prison sources revealed yesterday that the triple murderer had changed his name to Ishak Zechariah and insisted on being identified as a Muslim.

I may be mistaken, but I don't see why someone jailed for mistreating women would want to convert to Islam.

Oh well, if it makes him a better human being, Denyer should be encouraged to frock up. Provided he's quartered with Needle Nguyen, Basher Buck, Sharp Spoon McGlurg and the rest of the good time gang in Barwon's main pop.

PS: Ishak Zechariah? Doesn't sound very Muslim. In fact it sounds like he was born to entertain. If you get my drift. Answers please.

I GONNA BE MY BITCH

Our money well spent....

TRIPLE murderer and woman hater Paul Denyer has started a taxpayer-assisted legal fight for the right to wear women's make-up in jail.

Hopefully he'll beat himself up.

YOUR SHOUT!

Last Thursday Crikey had an item listing reader's favourite pubs. It gives a good indication of Crikey's readership. Hipster, faux-grunge, Howard's a pig, wheat beer lefties....

Crikey loves The Espie in St Kilda, The Green Park in Darlinghurst and the notorious Bourbon and Beefsteak in Kings Cross. The political history at The Imperial opposite the Victorian Parliament also rates. Maybe the way to approach this is to establish the genuine "Icon" pubs in each state and then attempt to assemble a top 10 national list after that.

For now, let's just publish some of your early feedback before we get down to the tricky business of naming the top 10 icon pubs in Australia....

Dan writes:

The best icon pub in Sydney would have to be the Nags Head Hotel in Glebe. It's an old English Style pub and was listed by Chuck Hahn in the Sydney liftout section of the Sydney Morning Herald as his favourite pub in Sydney.

Damian obviously loves a beer and suggests the following:

The Oaks at Neutral Bay - for best use of a tree for beer garden decoration. The Narrabeen Sands at Newport and The Watsons Bay Hotel - for best use of a navigable waterway as beer garden decoration. The Glenmore in The Rocks - for best use of a city as beer garden decoration. The Hero of Waterloo at The Rocks - because it's very, very old. The Court House Hotel at Taylor Square unbelievable array of miscreants and upstanding legal characters who have drowned their sorrows and celebrated their victories in its dark chambers. The Greengate Hotel at Killara, because of it's fabulous genesis as one of the Waterhouses sly grog houses early in colonial history, and because that's where Frank Lowy used to try to talk my grandfather into selling him our buildings behind the Westfield building in Woolloomooloo.

The pub-crawl Sandgroper writes:

For WA, you'd have to include The Cottesloe Hotel, Steves and The Queens. The Cott is an absolute icon in WA - by the beach and a mighty fine place for a cleansing ale on a Sunday afternoon this time of year! The second is supposedly more accurately called Nedlands Park Hotel, but is known to all as Steves. It is the haunt of uni students and its Wednesday nights are extremely boozy and positively legendary. Lastly, I can't rate The Queens in Mt Lawley highly enough as an "iconic pub". It's a great building and pub which has been there many, many years, attracts lots of people and is a fun hang-out for lunch and whiling away a well spent weekend. A number of years ago myself and my classmates spent far too much time there when we should have been at lectures!"

A political traveller writes:

In Melbourne: Surely The Geebung Polo Club (nee Auburn Hotel) has to rate a mention - even if its now a Toohey's pub. Ditto to The Builders Arms in Fitzroy as well. But the best pub in Melbourne for cold beer, great food (certainly the best steaks) no fuss, family pub and no pokies is the Emerald Hotel in Sth Melbourne. In Sydney: The Stein in Manly is a classic. Best pub in Australia though: The Cottlesloe Hotel in Perth - right on the beach (easily the best pub going around).

Banana Bending Troy writes:

The Jubilee Hotel in Brisbane's Fortitude Valley would have to be Brisbane's second most iconic pub after The Brekky Creek. It was the watering hole of The Telegraph & later The Sun in the days when Brisbane had 2 newspapers. Until being sold by Chris "Buddha" Handy in the late 1998 or 99, it still had framed front pages of many famous Telegraph headlines and original cartoons of Russ Hinze, Bjelke-Petersen et al. Being located right behind the RNA Showgrounds, for the 10 days of the Ekka (that's the Royal Queensland Show, previously known as the Brisbane Exhibition, for you southerners), it puts up a huge canopy with hay bales scattered around and all the Nats down for the show have a great big hoedown, which is also popular with city locals. Another one that would have to rate in the top 10 would be The Caxton Hotel, near Lang Park. Both a Rugby League and an ALP hang out. And, not that I've ever been there, but I think you would have to include The Birdsville Pub too.

In Canberra Steve says:

Hard to go past the Kingston Hotel (Kingo) in Canberra, the renowned Faceless Mens Bar, ASIO's lookout room over the Russian Embassy of old, great steaks and beer.

Matt writes:

The Conargo Pub in south western NSW should rate a mention, miles from anywhere, but internationally famous via its ute stickers, and a cozy little watering hole to boot. The Vic in Darwin might also be included, it has survived the bombings in WW2 and Cyclone Tracy, and stands up to Territorians' notorious partying spirit on a nightly basis.

Another contributor writes:

The Oaks at Neutral Bay - by far the best in Sydney across all areas, food choice, grog, ambience and the Mussels are out of this world. The obligatory poker machines are upstairs, not in your face. The Ocean Beach Hotel or "The Obie" in North Cott - the rambunctious older sister of the Cott, bit more tarty and helluva much more fun. The Arab Steed in Adelaide - a GOD (glass of day), SOD (soup of day) and ROD (roast of day) for under $20, sitting under the grapevines watching the 11 minutes of peak hour subside. And in inner city Sydney the most fabulous Rose of Australia in Erskineville, sticky carpets in the front and smart food out the back, Trivial Pursuit and pool upstairs - perfect afternoon all in the one spot.

Alasdair says:

In Melbourne, the Mitre Tavern (maybe a bit '80s but I still remember the crowd "Pig's Arsing" John Elliot as he went to lunch at Savage on any February Friday.) "Labour in Vain" and the "Perseverance" facing off across the road in Brunswick St, Fitzroy and Naughton's. In Ballarat Craig's, in Brisbane The Royal Exchange (RE) and Regatta, and in Halls Creek Kimberley Hotel (especially the cage bar).

A pub connoisseur writes:

Your Sydney correspondents obviously don't go to the pubs they recommend. The Narrabeen Sands is at Narrabeen (surprise!) and is drear. The Newport Hotel, which is what your correspondent intended, is now known officially by its long term nickname, The Newport Arms and is at Newport and whilst not what it once was, is definitely iconic, with its views over Pittwater. The "Stein" in Manly is actually The Steyne, but is pretty ordinary. NSW's great iconic pubs are all in the bush, the city ones having been long since ponced up. The Rose is a goodie, though.

For me? What do I know? I don't drink. I've a one rule though....

1) I never line up to get in.

Sydney has by far the best pub scene. There are so many pubs you'll always find one to your liking. When in S'Syddey I frequent The Lord Dudley in Paddo and I go to trivia at the Duke of Gloucester in Clovelly. I also used to enjoy the occasional beaker in Surry Hills. I thought the Conargo pub stickers were some boarding school in-joke.

Perth is lager-barn central. As discussed with a knowlegable local type, the sooner they bring their liquor laws into the 21st century and deregulate the market, the better. And their fuckin' dress code! Please! The rest of us did away with them in the 1980's. Jeans cost more than most bouncers cars. Anyway, I used to drink at Steves.

Adelaide's is Ok. I've only been there once but the places we went - in North Adelaide - were pretty natural affairs. G.O.D is new to me. Reminds me of the toothless, drunk & drooling Crow fan who started chanting F.A.D Mods! F.A.D Mods! F.A.D Mods! Apparently a "free kick after disposal" to Antone Moh-Dra.

Melbourne Bitter stubbies cost a fortune in Darwin.

I've been to the Breaky Creek but, like Young and Jacksons, you get photographed in front of it, not inside of it.

I've never been to a pub in Canberra but apparently the Dicko Tradies is the place to be seen.

Finally, the Melbourne's scene can be clicky and trendoid. I prefer a comfortable and quiet local so for me it's the All Nations in Richmond, the Royal Park in North Melbourne and I often enjoy a beer with my dad at Khyats in Brighton.

Overall the Melbourne pub scene makes me sick. The Espie and Builders Arms are prime examples of crap pubs haunted by nose ring wearing, tattooed grunge junkys. That's just the girls. There are usually enormous May-Oree bouncers who never smile. Others in their ilk include the Great Britain in Richmond, the Terminus in Abbotsford, the Town Hall in North Melbourne and any number of "cool" dumps in Fitzroy, Collingwood and Brunswick.

I'd be surprised if Steven Mayne's been to the Espie in the last last five years. Probably only mentioned here for lo-fi street cred.

And don't get me started on so-called "Fine Pub Dining". Needless to say I enjoy a good steak, but not when it's accompanied by a salad that up until five minutes previously had been adorning the branches of the trees in the beer garden. And what's with the fuckin' flowers?!? I want Iceberg Lettuce, dammit!

TALKING TELLY L

Those of you that watch Fox Classics probably know Bill Collins. Bill - when not calling Melbourne Cups - is a voluminous font of film fact. He has been for some time. Since he stole Bert Newton's rug, anyway.

One of Bill's favourite clumps of advice is that to enjoy any film you have to be positive and view it with an open mind.

According to the Billster, most films released BBB (Before Block Busters) have something to offer. However, you won't get anything out of one if you don't put anything into one. In other words, don't watch An American In Paris if you're convinced it's just another soppy, sappy, song & dance saga. Even though it is.

It was therefore with an open and generous frame of mind that I watched Friday night's rugby match between Australia and Argentina.

I'm not a fan of Rugby Union - I used to be - but since the inception of Super Twelve I've seen far too many games where I don't have an emotional attachment and as a result I haven't been hooked. In fact, I've discovered I prefer League. And I'm not too big a fan of that either. Never the less, I was prepared to put aside my suspicions that the game isn't all it's cracked up to be and watch Our Boys stick it to the Argies.

Because "Aye, there's the rubdown".

I consider myself to have a finely tuned eye for sporting nuance but when I watch cricket I do so because I love the game and appreciate all it's finer points, but when I watch Rugby it's primarily because I want to beat the Poms, Yarpies or Kiwis and not because I want to marvel at the wonders of a quick one-two around an overlapping halfback.

I think this may also be the case for many other Aussie Rules obsessed Victorians, Tasmanians, West Australians and South Australians. And perhaps that's why we've been forced to endure a Blitzkrieg like publicity campaign from Channel 7, Foxtel and the daily blabs.

It's at this point, therefore, that I'd like to hand over to my favourite Aussie sports journo, the Age's Leaping Larry L, who today takes aim at Seven's coverage of the Rugby World Cup....

Like a shovel clonking against an unprotected forehead in an old Three Stooges short subject, we have been ruthlessly belaboured for months with how big a deal rugby union's World Cup is. We've had plenty of pay and free TV ads to tell us how they're going to be all over every ball and every game, and we're going to be living in it, swimming in it and standing in it.

Yeah, well, not counting Friday's opening match, which was a "gimme" anyway, out of seven games over the weekend, with two TV outlets to cover them, only three are shown live in this market. Only ONE of these is on Seven, which hasn't been able to shut up about the damn World Cup for what now seems like eons. Over this weekend, we can get Australia-Zimbabwe and India-New Zealand Test matches, the Bathurst 1000 (Ten, today, from noon), three Major League Baseball play-off games, the PGA Las Vegas Invitational, and, Lord help us, college football from Camp Randall Stadium, Madison, Wisconsin - all live. But for a rugby World Cup in our own backyard - ruthlessly ground into our kissers and shoved down our throats for months in advance - the best we can manage is a strike rate of three live games out of a possible seven. One, if you're among the cable-challenged. What a big deal it demonstrably is to all concerned.

Understanding this is apparently a relative breeze next to attempting simultaneous translation of Chris "Buddha" Handy's colour commentary during Friday night's Australia-Argentina match.

Gordon Bray: "He's scored tries in his last six test matches and Wendell Sailor gets the debut try of rugby World Cup 2003!"

Chris Handy: "Well, none will be more delighted than Wendell Sailor. But listen to this crowd go off! Last week the rugby league grand final, this week the rugby World Cup, and Wendell performs!"

How the NRL grand final made a guest appearance in that sentence is one for the ages. Can't remember Sailor playing in it.

"Your eyeballs start to quiver and shake. You think they're going to pop out of your head."

Despite a resemblance to an old Jerry Lee Lewis song-lyric, this was Handy's colorful impression of what it was like packing into a scrum with the Argentinians in 1979. What useful information could be gleaned from this in 2003 is another argument for another de-progamming session.

Can any power on the planet Earth explain why THREE special comments men would ever be needed in the same booth alongside a perfectly able play-by-play caller (Gordon Bray)? Seven gave it to us, and one day might even explain why. Tim Horan provided the most detailed and helpful analysis, Dan Crowley was the one dinner guest too many, and Gordon Bray had to double-up on colour because Chris Handy was showering us with gems like:

"They need to go down the line at any stage, crank up the pressure and turn up the Bunsen-burner a little bit."

The Bunsen-burner. Cripes. Not so Handy.

One thing Leapster didn't mention was Bruce McAvaney's bold claim - Bunsen-burner heated to critical mass - that this Rugby World Cup is the....

"THIRD BIGGEST EVENT IN THE WORLD OF SPORT!"

....or something like that.

Now, taking away the Summer Olympics and the Soccer World Cup, it's just possible this claim may contain evidence of spin, bull-shit and even microscopic traces of hype.

In short, it's a ludicrous claim. One akin to an earlier over-heated claim that boasted the international significance of the World Swimming Championships.

And to this sports fan at least, the evidence at hand doesn't back it up. In no particular order....

Formula 1 Championship

Tour De France

English Premier League

Superbowl

Winter Olympics

American Baseball playoffs

Cricket World Cup - there are probably more fanatical cricket fans in Calcutta alone than there are rugby fans in the whole world.

Does everyone hate that kind of hype like I do? Afterall, they would barely mention the event if it wasn't on their channel.

R.I.P SAFARI SUITOR

Not unexpectedly Jim Cairns died today....

FORMER deputy prime minister and treasurer Jim Cairns died today, aged 89.

Not unexpectedly there was a reference to Joo-nee....

He [son Barry] indicated he hoped the media would not again dredge up his father's affair with Ms Morosi.

Not unexpectedly ABC rayjo dredged it up....

Blah....Morosi....affair....to which Mr Cairns recently fessed up.

Fessed up? Unexpected.