After Grog Blog

GIRLY SWAT TRIVIA

I think I still know everything. See below. Because this is the bonus round from Tower Trivia....

1) Catherine Moreland is in which Jane Austin novel?

2) Who did Heathcliff marry in Wuthering Heights?

3) What are Anne Bronte's two novels?

4) Who was Mary Anne Cross?

5) Where did Charlotte & Emily Bronte study languages?

I got one less than one.

BLOGGERS EAT CHIPS

Last night I enjoyed a convivial evening with him and him, the her part of here and one of these. Amongst other things, a world record number of chips were eaten, randomly selected patrons died of frostbite and afterwards, strange things were marvelled at.

Anyhoo, I was struck by how well informed the conversation was. Not from me, I might add. Yours truly's contribution was limited to the occasional sage nod of the head. It brought to mind this quote...

You know everything when you realise you know nothing

Sadly, I know everything.

I PLEAD STUPID, YOUR HONOUR

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
======================================
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
======================================
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
========================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
========================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
===========================================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
===========================================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
===========================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
===========================================
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
===========================================
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
==============================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
================================================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

More here. And here.

WRONG!

Patrick Smith makes his living from being controversial, so he'll be able to afford a few extra sugary treats this week. Why? Because he's penned an article totally at odds with every footy pundit in the land.

He's taken the position that Alistair Nicholson got his right whack for pushing Matthew Lloyd on Saturday afternoon....

The bloke in the yellow shirt and running around with a whistle is called an umpire. Best if you do as he says.

And that the commentators were numbskulls for missing the point of the free kick....

Former Collingwood champ Peter Daicos was commentating and may well have had a seizure. Sitting next to him was Michael Christian, who also appeared to become most unwell. Both men wailed and wept about the match being ruined by Baldwin's decision. All of it nonsense, of course.

And the Melbourne coach is cute....

It drew the great philosopher and Melbourne coach Neale Daniher to note: "It's like pinching a packet of chewing gum from the corner store and going to the gallows." Cute observation but it misses the point.

The article is based on Patrick's assertion that the umpire gave the players due warning that if they started any trouble there would be a penalty.

But who's being cute Patrick? Because let's face it. You're wrong. There is no way umpire Baldwin gave either Nicholson or Lloyd a warning BEFORE they entered into their little fracas.

Therefore if you accept the umpire was late with his warning then he must have paid the free because he thought the contact was illegal. And if that's the case then there has to be many, many more free kicks paid in every game. And that's the point of all the other pundits. The kick was soft. In fact, very soft. Or as one of the five text messages I got within five minutes of it happening read; "WORST free kick ever!"

There's also the question - would the umpire have paid the kick if Lloyd hadn't fallen over? Well, his acting was accused of being outside the spirit of the game, but there are many bigger con jobs throughout a season. And anyway, acting for frees is a part of the game and until it's outlawed it's up to the umpires to recognise it for what it is. Baldwin didn't and subsequently paid an appalling free kick.

And we ought not ignore the fact that even if the umpire DID warn the players in time, it was STILL a pissant decision wherein a reasonable umpire would have agreed there was absolutely nothing in what happened!

So what did happen? My summation is as follows. Rioli kicks the goal. Lloyd mouths off to Nicholson. Nicholson grabs Lloyd's jumper. Ruffles it once. Ruffles it again. The second time near the neck. Lloyd does Louganis. As Nicholson's doing the second shove Baldwin pipes up with a warning. In a cross-pollination of too high (debatable), a warning (late) and seeing Lloyd falling down (getting conned) he over-reacts and  pays the free.

I don't for a minute accept the excuse from the umpiring department that a warning was given. And if you take the warning out of the equation then it's an shocker on all levels.

Unfortunately Patrick also entered into a bout of sleazy semantics....

Once the commentator regained his composure he said the decision was poor when you consider "the context of the game". Whatever does that mean?

C'mon Paddy boy. Now you're starting to pad the article. You know very well the commentator means the free was soft compared to the many other soft frees let go. Except coincidentally, the one paid to Lloyd about five minutes earlier. So don't play word games to mount your case. The term "context of the game" is as readily recognisable a clich� as is "stepping up" or "taking it one week at a time".

As a concession to Smith, I am prepared to accept that Nicholson shouldn't have given the umpire a chance to blow for a free. But given the nature of the contact we'd soon be playing netball if all of those were paid.

Complicating matters is the suggestion that it settled the game. I disagree. I think that given the conditions, Rioli's goal sealed the game and that the free to Lloyd and subsequent goal was superfluous to the result. Not so his earlier soft free which put Essington back in front. But that's another story.

However, it does mean Umpire Baldwin needs to take a good hard look at himself. And consider buying a map to the country grounds. Because even though he's getting backed by The Geish, and obviously can't be demoted without admitting fault, he's bound to be on notice that another howler like that one and he'll have to learn to spell, and then find, Manangaplah Kookardiniyah United. I know I can't.

And finally, I hope Lloyd doesn't expect to receive too many frees over the next few weeks.

PS: The fact Patrick Smith barracks for Essington has nothing at all to do with this post. Nothing. He's a thoroughly professional contrarian. But I just felt I'd mention Smith and Essendon. For no reason.

WORM GOMES

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. [My favourite]

3. Bozone : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

CONDOLENCES

Fine words here.

TIM for TAT

So. There's been a bit of a tete a tete. Well, talk's cheap, I say. Time to get it on.

Thanks be to B.

PUT ON YOUR SPECS MAGEE!

Talking Footy recently aired some footage from Subiaco's House of Crazy. It showed Leigh Matthews arcing up in the Brisbane coaches box while at the Brizroy/Freo Yobbos game. He was pretty animated as he rocked on the edge of his seat, pumped the air with his fists, ordered a large capricciosa shouted instructions into the phone and pulled out great big tufts of baldness.

This morning on the Sunday Footy Show the same footage was shown as they came back from an ad break. The first words uttered by Lyon were something along the lines of "There's Leigh Matthews getting animated at last night's classic struggle at the Gabba." This was followed by Benny Gale making some remark like "Leigh must have really felt the pressure last night."

Now, the fact the footage was included doesn't overly concern me. After all, filmclips that throw back to shows are often just stock footage intended as wallpaper. So, I don't have a problem with production staff slotting it into the show. Some may construe it as lazy. Should the politics suit, there's doubt David Marr would have been all over it like Steadman ink blobs on a Bill Leak canvas. But as far as I'm concerned, it�s not a big deal. Never the less, I'll be keeping an eye out for further transgressions.

The panellist's remarks are another story. These guys are supposed to be experts. If that's the case, then collectively they should be across all media details and at least one member should have spotted the footage for what it was. That is, file footage from the Freo/Boobs game a couple weeks ago.

Most serious though, is the question of their powers of observation. These guys are paid to report what happened during a game. This would indicate to me at least, that they are able to watch a game, discern the events, remember the details, formulate a perspective and accurately portray that perspective in the subsequent newspaper articles and TV and radio shows. In short, tell us what's going on. A pipe dream I know.

What I don't expect is for the pundits to comprehensively undermine their own credibility by missing the most obvious of details. That's why I'm disappointed in both Gary Lyon and Benny Gale. And, in fact, the other so called "experts" on the show for not piping up. You see, last night's footage from the Gabba was of a tough and highly skilled game played in crisp, but hardly wintry conditions. Whereas the Matthews' footage used by Channel Nine was filmed through a hazy curtain of heavy rain. Should he have been on duty, Umpire Parker may even have thrown the ball up.

CHUCK?

Sorry, but it must be said - Sanwar Hossain has a dodgy action. It is impossible to keep a straight arm while flicking the ball over the top of your pointing finger.

Time for footy. Go Dees!

QUICK! SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR!

What do you do when you're not feeling well? You call a doctor. And what if he tells you you're dying? You seek a second opinion. That's what Warren Zevon did. Diagnosed with inoperable Lung Cancer he sought out a second opinion from an expert. One Dr Gonzo.

MUSIC GOOD

I cannot get over how much good music is out there these days. For a few years there I was caught in a snob rut where I would only listen to old music and believed that all new stuff was crap.

By a strange twist I was then watching tons of movies. Now I rarely go to movies because they got stupid but I listen to stacks of music. One thing’s for sure though, if you scratch the mould off the surface of a no repeat workday, you're fortunate to have radio stations like RRR or PBS (sidestepping the juvy politics) or you still like to read music mags, there are tons of good bands out there.

The explanation, of course, is that any Norbert or Nora can pick up a guitar, but not everyone can raise the dosh to fund another scriptless, arsekicking, shit-blown-up, subtle-glimpse-of-tits romptacular.

I'm not saying music good, film bad, there's plenty crap bands too. Probably a few good films too. My best mate raves about The Others and can't understand why I won't watch it. I will. Eventually. But music's cheaper to make and so as well as being within reach of the industry whores and talentless blandoids, it's also achievable for people with actual, as opposed to implied, talent. In short, anyone can do it.

Then again, musical taste it's a nebulous beastie. Plenty of people like what I don't. But plenty of people hear Barry Bissell tell them Crowded House is the best band that ever lived. And they believe it. It never occurs to them that CH might, in fact, be musical strained apple. The guy on the radio with the authoritative voice said CH are rock gods, so they are. Some of these folks even think they're right. They’re not. But I'm never going to thrash it out with them because they think my taste in music appalling so I never talk to them. They eat with their mouths open anyway.

However, for every musical fraud. Pearl Creed, Spiderbait, Korn, Limp Biskit, Bare Naked Ladies, System Of A Down or Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. There's solid gold (Dancers?). Gomez, Calexico, Massive Attack, Lambchop or Wilco in Summerteeth mode. Bands that deliver that sharp kick to the cleft area that says, "Hey fucko! Listen up, we're good!" Even the Strokes or the White Stripes, who are now getting the push, are still going ok in my opinion. So, all that said, feel free to mock because this is what's on high rotation round here lately. Old, new and somewhere in between. But if you do, a hearty fuck you very much....

John Barry – Themeology

Supergrass – Life On Other Planets

Chuck Berry – From St Louis To Liverpool

Roxy Music – Sirens

Roxy Music – Country Life

The Shins – Oh, Inverted World

Spiritualized – Let it come down

Spiritualized – Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space

Big Star – #1 Record

The Moldy Peaches – The Moldy Peaches

The Yayhoos – Fear Not The Obvious

Thunderclap Newman – Hollywood Dream

The Dirtbombs – Ultraglide In Black

New York Rock Ensemble – Roll Over

Jelly Fish – Spilt Milk

The Barracudas – Drop Out With The Barracudas

Ennio Morricone – Danger Diabolik

The Go-Between – The friends Of Rachel Worth

The Now Time Delegation – Watch For Today

Lemon Jelly – Lost Horizons

Moby Grape – Moby Grape

Psychedelic Crown Jewels – Volumes 1 & 2 (Compilation)

The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds (I know! I know! It's almost a cliché to include Pet Sounds these days, but I just keep putting it on.)

SESAME STREET SEARCH

Brought to you today by the Number 3. And the Letter S....

1) Sick

2) Sicker

3) Sickest

ALL KINDS OF WRONG

Someone's getting stiffed....

Now look. Bracksy. Mate. This is totally inappropriate. I'm a gun educator. I learn those little shits good stuff. Check out my ultra-stress work time week....

1) Up at seven o'clock in the morning. SEVEN! Sometimes it's dark. And cold. And what's more, I do it TWO bloody days a week!

2) Drive ten minutes to work. TEN! And against the traffic.

3) When I get there I toil. Hard. Long and hard. And long. THREE bloody days a week. Sometime it's dark when I get home.

4) Only FOUR days off a week. Every week. That's every week I have to stay at home Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday.

5) And holidays. TEN weeks every year! TEN! Is that all?!? Last year I had to go away FOUR times!

6) And to top this disaster off, I even like the bloody job! Unheard of!

So come on Bracksy! Look at those numbers. Do the maths. (Give me a few tips while you're at it) I'm doing it tough. I want more money! What with all that spare time, I NEED more money. So, time to ante up guy! Otherwise I might just vote for you.

PS: The ACT schoolies get less?!? Probably because there's no kiddies there! They all go to snobby up-themselves-posh-wanker boarding schools like Melbourne Grammar and St Josephs of the Bleeding Strap. Or they're hanging out at the porno supermarkets.

WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Looks like Chris Judd is set to re-sign with the Coolers, that's sign again Tim Webster, just as predicted here yesterday.

If you go by the figures being bandied around in today's papers my figure may seem a tad high but if you take off $150,000 as a relocation incentive and another $150,000 as a disincentive to one of the poorer clubs to pursue him I reckon I'm right in the ballpark. And let's elbow that Cousins salary sacrifice idea right now. Nonsense.

Also, arranging a trade for Judd may have been problematic but the fact is he put $850,000 on his bonce (this was revealed to me at a meeting of irresponsible gossip merchants footy insiders) and four clubs at least were prepared to entertain the proposal.

Really though, I never thought he'd leave after I was told in March by a hot source (not Worcestershire) who was adamant there was no way Judd was going to leave Perth this year. That person's estimation, and the prevailing one here in Footy Central, is that he'll do what Kane Johnston did and try to play in a premiership at the Toasters then come back to Victoria having achieved something in Westralian footy.

DON'T FORGET THE STEAK-KNIVES!

What's the go with Gorgeous George Grljusich's favourite player, Jason Ball? Spoken to his mum lately George? I hear the Swan utility, who managed to sink the Demons in Round 5, not that that has any bearing on this post, not even at all, not once, not ever, has asked for a substantial pay rise. More than double, in fact. The Swannies are baulking though, so Ball is canvassing the market. Apparently the salient option is shy a quality ruckman and wears a jumper that turns grey if washed in hot water. That jumper also refuses to entertain the idea of an "Away Laundry".

OR THE COMBINATION BROCCOLI-SLICER NOSE-PICKER!

Speaking of Famous Western Australian Sporting Icons. One of my wide network of spies was at the WA Turf Club members' enclosure. That's at the Gee Gee's, nudge nudge. The secret agent, subtly codenamed Double O Spotto and cunningly disguised as a punter with a beer, observed the FWASI screaming at the top of his voice to a jockey that the little hoop had been paid to lose and was a f****n' cheat and a c**t like his father before him (also a jockey in previous years).

IN OTHER NEWS...

That's not even slightly related even remotely a bit to football at all. Even. Except for....

Back again at The West because all that time spent on John McGrath, David Wirrpunda, Barra, Woosha, Benno, Kempy, Bitey, Gazzo and the gang left me with some unfinished business.

Those in contract re-negotiation include exciting recruit Chris Judd and brilliant goal kicker Phil Matera.

West Coast will re-sign Phil Matera because other clubs don't want him. They consider he gets too many goals from skiving out the back of packs and that if the pressure holds in the midfield and the Eagles fail to develop a loose man through the half-forward line then he's a liability. Hang on a moment! Did I say "Other Clubs"? My mistake. I meant me. He cheats.

Chris Judd's another story. There's been plenty of talk he'll come back to Victoria so he can finally achieve his long cherished dream of playing for the Melbourne Football Club because Footy Central�s where he wants to be. Sort of like Nathan Buckley.

Never the less, the Eagles will do all they can to hold onto the young champ. It's even been reported in today's West Australian, with John McGrath again saving Age journo's some work, that Ben Cousins will offer to take a pay cut to make some salary cap room to accommodate Judd.

WEST Coast captain Ben Cousins has taken a pay cut in his new contract in an effort to keep talented youngsters such as Chris Judd at the club. Cousins, the Eagles' highest-paid player, with a contract estimated to be worth about $1.5 million over three years, has committed to the club until the end of 2006.

Assuming his present contract is, in fact, $1.5 mil over three years I always have queries over such pronouncements. Are we supposed to believe Cousins is not going to receive his $1.5 mil? Are we supposed to believe he's going to receive less over the duration of a subsequent signing?

West Coast would have factored in potential increase in Cousins' next contract. Therefore, is it merely a case of him staying on the same salary? This would free up space in their projections. But it�s not a reduction. And how is anyone supposed to know it�s true and not just ra-ra rhetoric? No one's ever going to know whether he does or doesn�t take a cut because no one, apart from the Eags number crunchers, knows the truth.

That being said, I don't expect Judd to leave the Weags because I can�t believe they'd let such a gun go. Never the less, my spies informants whistleblowers rumour mongers booze soaked bar flies well placed and reliable contacts inform me he�s placed a price of $850,000 per year for three years on his head. And that Carlton, the Kangaroos, St Kilda and Sydney have expressed interest. Carlton may be well placed with Kouta about to go onto the Veteran's List and Brett Rattan retiring but they have no one to trade, they're out of the draft and they're not allowed to trade their priority pick should they fail to win five and a half games. The Saints are up near 100% of the cap and, along with the Kangas, are ill placed on the ladder. Neither have a like-valued player they would consider trading and what�s the point of trading one match winner for another?

That leaves Sydney. He wants to come back to Victoria, but Tony Lockett wanted to go to Richmond and Collingwood before he ended up at the Swans. Can you smell what the Tone is cookin'?

But. I think he'll stay.

This just in. Stop. Demons chase Croad. Stop. Rumour hot. Stop. Both parties keen. Stop. For second round pick. Stop. Dockers need cap room. Stop. Croad wants out. Stop. Demons want backman. Stop. I love trade period. Stop. It. Can't. Stop.

FOOTY SPEAK

There's been much recent speculation about the future of West Coast Cooler backman, David Wirrpunda. None of it, of course, from the After Grog Blog's thoroughly professional team of reporters. As the editor, let me quote from our Mission Statement � "Speculation and gossip are not part of our journalistic canon." We prefer the term "hearsay".

And yet, despite our undoubted assiduity, we continue to suffer the occasional (and, sob, hurtful) allegation of scandalatious reportage. And sanity lapses. But they don't la la la noo noo Syd Barrett gumble goodle concern us.

In our defence it should be pointed out that ever since the AGB first revealed Wirrpunda's potential transfer to Melbourne in 2002, there have been articles in The Age and The Footy Record opining on his wish to return to Melbourne. And now an article in The West Australian (repeated in The Age) denying he wants to leave.

That's a football denial. As in full and frank admission. Know what I mean? No? Well, consider this press conference exchange between that intrepid young cub reporter, Gareth Parker, and a football identity who�s not Adrian "Barra" Barich, Guy "Bluey" McKenna, Chris "Mainy" Mainwaring, Dean "Kempy" Kemp, John "Woosha" Worsfold, Ben "Benno" Allan or even local ABC boys, Phil "Pet" Lamb and Rod "Spinner" Willett but long-time Coolers C.E.O, Trevor "Nizzy" Nisbett....

Nizzy � "We are totally behind our coach. He has the complete support of the board."

Gareth � "Total? Complete?"

Nizzy � "I'm sorry? You are....?"

Gareth � "Gareth Parker. Western Rural Advertiser Budget. Sports and veterinary desk."

Nizzy � "Righto then. Nice to meet you Gareth. However, this is footy western style. To progress in this business you need a nickname. Something snappy. Preferably one word."

Gareth � "I like Bunky."

Nizzy � "I prefer Gazzo. May I call you Gazzo?"

Gazzo [Nee Gareth] � "Err, no. Anyway, you were saying the coach has the total and complete support of the board."

Nizzy � "Yes. That�s right Gazzo. And we'll be appointing a new one on Monday morning."

So, in light of that denial-non-denial footy-speak, let�s look at John McGrath�s article  shall we....

DAVID WIRRPUNDA has told West Coast he wants to stay.

The big letters look mighty impressive but they don't conceal the fact that Wirrpunda has only SAID he wants to stay. They don't go on to say "If the price is right." or "Offer me lots more loverley lolly and I'll think about it!". And don't think the footy public�s convinced when....

Nisbett said Wirrpunda had been taken out of context in a Melbourne newspaper report last week that said he was looking to go home.

TOOC? I don't think so. Allow me to take you IN context Nizzy....

"He said he'd like to go home at some stage because he is a Victorian......they thought he meant yesterday or tomorrow," Nisbett said.

No they didn't. Don't play the slippery eel with us Nizzy. Of course they didn't mean yesterday or tomorrow. They meant at the end of last year, or the end of this one.

Tsagalis admitted feelers from Victorian clubs had increased since the report.

Since before.

"A lot has been made of  David's family but he has a big family here at the Eagles. He's been here since he was 16."

Isn�t that nice. But what about Bitey?

He is enjoying one of his best years as an AFL player.

Coincidentally, one of the few years he's managed to stay on the park.

West Coast has 11 players coming out of contract, which Nisbett says is the fewest for seven or eight years.

So what?

"We've generally got 50 per-cent of our list," he said.

Say What?!? Sorry. I mean, "half-what".

Footy speak. Talk lots. Say nothing.

After I read the article in Friday's Age I called around to find out if there was anymore oil on Wirrpunda leaving West Coast this year. I was told he's still up on offer and there was even a club mentioned.

Wirrpunda may yet stay at West Coast but it won�t be because of any particular love for the famous old blue and gold jumper. Or even the tie-dyed surfer-bum affair from a couple of years ago. It will be because West Coast couldn�t arrange a suitable swap.

NQR

On NPR....

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation....

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FI: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GR: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FI: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GR: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FI: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GR: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Not Quite Radio.

ON A CROAD TO SOMEWHERE

It will come as no surprise to anyone if Trent Croad leaves Freo and is traded back to a Victorian club. He was offered to Geelong during the last draft period but no suitable trade could be arranged. And he'll certainly be offered around this year with Freo likely to put less of a price on his head than last year.

In pure footballing terms I don't consider him the most talented player who's ever gone around, but as an athletic big man there are plenty of clubs that would have him if the price was right. I'd have him at Melbourne.

So, given the right circs there's a chance he could end up at one of many Victorian clubs. Never the less, you'd think the one club that would rule him out would be Hawthorn. You'd think. But there's a whisper out there that the Hawks are more than interested in enticing him back to Glenferrie.

Just remember: You heard it hear first!

QUEEN OF SULLY

One thing you all need to know about Tony the Teacher is that he’s not me but this weird guy who I occasionally let use my computer. And that he talks to the TV. Actually, "talks to" isn’t quite right, "shouts at" is a better description.

You see, Tony, poor slob that he is, lives alone with someone else, and prefers the company of the television. His cat, Phenomenal, rarely answers back with anything other than a greedy, needy "Ack" and so Tony deludes himself that these TV exchanges constitute mature conversation. I suppose it is a kind of two-way one-way conversation but the television is never particularly generous in it’s responses. This upsets Tony.

Telly, that’s the TV’s name, talks to Tony and Tony talks to Telly. Sadly Telly’s a fuckin’ rude bastard and never seems to respond. Tony, on the other hand, continues to get worked up by Telly’s perpetually inane utterances and by Telly’s continued failure to acknowledge anything Tony says. No matter what Tony says, Telly never seems to bloody react! He (Telly's a boy's name) just sits there like some lifeless black box with one big unblinking eye and refuses to do anything but sit in the corner of Tony's play-room and shout things. Really stupid things.

Telly was at it again last night. Tony was watching The Shield on Channel 10. It was on at 9:30 and was followed by The Late News with Sandra Sully. That’s WITH Sandra Sully. Not just The Late News. Personalities matter don’t you know. And Sandra goes alright too. But I digress. It was on, so I’ll move on.

Firstly during The Shield, which wasn’t too bad, there was an ad for a new TV show called The Shield. Yep. Right smack bang in the middle of The Shield was an ad for The Shield. Tony’s response? "Hey! I don’t want to be told it’s on when it’s on. I know it’s on. I’m watching the fuckin’ thing!" Telly’s reply? No reply. Well, Tony wasn’t taking no reply for an answer. So he threw a Gatorade bottle at Telly. This made the ad for The Shield finish but when I told Tony it had finished because it had finished he told me I was confused and stupid and that for once Telly had done what he had been told to do.

The Shield progressed apace and it wasn’t too bad. The kicker here is that the main character was out of character for an American cop show because he was bad. I mean real bad. And bald. Remember, you don’t fuck with the Baldies! Last week he shot another cop. This was unexpected. I have a quibble though. What if the series is a hit? Will this mean the bad bald guy, who’s also the star, will somehow become a good guy?

Anyhoo, as The Shield neared the end it cut to the customary just-before-the-end-ad-break. Just why Aussie programmers give you such a long toilet break is beyond me. For anyone reading this blog who’s not from here you need to know that in Poohtown, Australia there’s four minutes of ads, the credits, three minutes of links and promos, a new show’s credits then another set of ads. This gives you about seven or eight minutes to do something else. As I did. I’m sure advertising gurus would prefer a different arrangement.

Where was I? Yep. That’s it. It was at the first set of ads that Sandra and her Late Night News entered the frame....

SS – "Tonight, the death of the Queen of Salsa."

TT – "Queen of Salsa? Who’s that?"

Then came the this’ll-be-a-good-time-to-do-something-else stuff. From 10:28 ‘til 10:37. Enough time for me to go down the milk bar and buy a Caramel Drumstick. And not watch the station promos and ads. Ha. Bloody. Ha. Then the news started with a quicky of what was to come....

SS – "Tonight, worst paedophile."

TT – "Sick fuck! Get to the Salsa chick!"

SS – "Kanimbla."

TT – "Yeah. That’s nice. What about the old dead lady?"

SS – "Sadly we mourn the death of the Queen of Salsa."

TT – "Good."

SS – "Korea."

TT – "Korea?!? What’s her bloody name?"

And then the stories with detail....

SS – "Solomons."

TT – "Yeah. Yeah."

SS – "Gay church."

TT – "Big gay deal!"

SS – "Cute Jap kid plays drums."

TT – "Badly. Telly? That story made me sick."

SS – "Coming up, stick around for our sad farewell to the Queen of Salsa."

TT – "Named?"

Ads. Back....

SS – "Today we farewell the Queen of Salsa. Known for her flamboyant style, singing talent...."

TT – "WHO IS SHE?!?"

SS – "....outrageous costumes, wild wigs, energetic performances Celia Cruz...."

TT – "WHO?!?"

SS – "....left Cuba in 1961, blah, blah. Celia Cruz was 78."

Item closes with visual of a Celia Cruz star on some footpath.

TT – "Well, I’ll be fucked! Some Queen? Never heard of her! Now. How’s the golf going?"

I reckon Sandra just liked saying "Kweeeen ovv Sulssa". To be perfectly honest I rarely watch the News but I wanted to find out who the QoS was. So I did, in fact, watch the News. Looks like Channel 10 won this round.

STUFF - FREE TO THOSE WHO CAN AFFORD IT

I just clicked on TV Tome to look up some stuff and was greeted with a Pop Up that said I was the 15 Millionth visitor and I'd won $1,600 worth of free stuff.

For a moment I looked suspiciously at the screen as I wondered if it was a scam but in the end decided to give it a lash. I rang the number to collect my free stuff but was greeted with a message that said the number didn't exist. So no free stuff! I feel cheated.

THE GAME THEY PLAY ON EARTH

Last weekend it was reported in both The Age and Footy Pravda that David Wirrpunda was considering returning home to his mum and brothers and sisters and cousins and nieces and nephews and cute dog Rover. Or Fido. Or Bitey. Whatever.

In a subsequent radio interview teed up as confirmation, it was said he'd been offered the chance to return to Victoria LAST year.

Well, I'd just like to remind everyone that you heard it here first. Sort of. When will someone admit Shane Woewodin was on the move long before his shock departure at trade time?

This year Wirrpunda comes out of contract, and with Victorian teams down the bottom he could just put himself in the draft. However, the Eagles want to trade and are looking for a suitable deal and hope Wirrpunda will play ball. Either way, trade or draft, expect Wirrpunda to leave at the end of this year. And don't expect Chris Judd to leave. My oil is he's staying put. (Even though he still barracks for the Demons)

In news related to last year's trade period, a source of mine, Deep.T.Lancaster sent me this email last Friday....

To cut a long story short, Heffernan was offered as a trade. Brisbane were keen, Heffernan wasn't. Sheedy got wind Heffernan was reluctant (this is after signing a 3 year contract with the Bombers) Sheedy rang him and said if you stay at Essendon you will NEVER play senior football again. He had no choice. Fortunately Melbourne showed interested and the deal was done. So much for loyalty.

Essendon have maintained salary cap pressures forced their hand and they didn't want to lose quality clubmen. (Carracella, Blumfeld, Moorcroft & Heffernan). However, it sounds as though they're as hard nosed as any club when it comes to trading players and that Heffernan was, in fact, surplus to requirements.

DID I JUST DREAM THAT?

I don't usually post up search requests but I need to make an exception here.

Why? Well, last week I posted a list of BBC TV shows that were on ABC TV in Western Australia between 1974 and 1988. In the list I included a show called Linger Longer Max. LLM, like the Val Doonican Show or a White and White Minstrels, was one of those frightfully bland and family friendly revue shows typical of British TV in the 70’s and was hosted by the one and only Max Bygraves.

The show was on around 1980 and I clearly remember humming along to the theme song with a mate of mine from back then named Paul Brockwell. I know it sounds sad but it's not as bad as all that, because we were doing it as a piss take (We were!) rather than any full throated display of enthusiastic support for one of the UK's favourite middle-of-the-footpath song and dance smirkers.

Anyway, this was the request. You’ll notice it sitting there alone and unattended. This set me wondering whether I had the name of the show right or whether I'd been hallucinating. After all, it’s 1980 we’re talking about here and you know the old saying, "If you can remember 1980......................you wore a body shirt." And used apple scented shampoo. So I did a search myself and came up blank.

Herein lies the thrust. Can anyone else remember the show? Or something like it. And if it didn’t exist, what the hell was someone else doing searching for it? Or do I have an alter ego out there. If there is I’d like to think that it’s ME who’s the black clad, gun toting, evil Dr Smith version. Or is it merely a case of someone reading my list with enough rigour to be able to pull it out of the ruck for further scrutiny? Now there’s a stickler for detail. I’ll take it as a compliment though.

Due to the admission inherent in any positive response, I’ll understand if you are reluctant to contribute.

BACK IN BLUE

Been a bit slack on the blog over the weekend. This can only be put down to the stunning news below that rendered me totally incapable of coherant thought. And even caused me to do some work.

However, before I proceed I must first point out that my dad's always maintained people who swear are, in reality, incapable of articulating a sound and rational point of view. To these ends I've been taking a rather more moderate stance regarding colourful, specifically blue, language.

Well, excuse me dad. Avert your eyes, because....

BIG FUCKIN' DEAL....

Melbourne was named on Saturday as host of the 2007 FINA World Swimming Championships.

and, BULL FUCKIN' SHIT....

It is estimated they could be worth $100 million to the Victorian economy.

Ahh, that's better. Feel the burn.

HYPE: RISE OF EVIL

Even though it started half an hour late because of yet another (and in this case, staggeringly easy) quiz show, I've been sitting here watching a new mini-series called Hitler: The Rise Of Evil. Robert Carlyle plays Hitler and there's a cast of many, including a favourite freak of mine, Peter Stormare.

As the show throws to each ad break there's a revelatory subtitle which proclaims the show to be The Untold Story.

Now, bearing in mind that TV stations love to colourfully spruik their product, "Heartwarming Family Event!" or "TV Event Of The Year!" you know the drill, I assume this is just some Channel 7 garnishing. However, I'd be greatful if there's anyone out there who can explain to me just which factual parts constitute an Untold Story.

THE REAL THING?

Not sure if this story made it to the surface last week.....

UNIONS will remove Coca-Cola vending machines from their premises and encourage employers to do the same in retribution for the assassination of eight union leaders at the company's plants in Columbia.

Fair enough. I’ve no problem with union officials emptying their own offices of all that sweet and sugary evilness. It’s their right not to support a nasty multinational. Even one that employs many of their members.

However, to suggest that Coke in America is somehow to blame and subsequently encouraging other workplaces to follow their suit is just fatuous posturing. Why should they be deprived of their daily dose of black fizzy headache medicine and have to give up all that icy cold sweetness just to enhance the shallow political aspirations of power grasping grandstanders.

Fatuous posturing? Power grasping grandstanders? Of course. Look at the numbers….

Sinaltrainal alleged more than 1500 trade unionists had been killed in Columbia in the past decade, including eight at Coca-Cola plants since 1996.

They speak for themselves don’t they?

First, let’s adjust the ten years quoted to match the seven that have involved Coke personel. That takes the 1500 down to 1050.

Second, let’s work out the percentage over the last seven years. Of those 1050, only 8 were associated with Coke. EIGHT! That’s 0.76%! What about the other 99.14%? Why target Coke? He asks as if the question doesn’t answer itself. In case you need a hint, here’s another 1000 reasons.

So. Now that John Robertson has drawn his line of principle in the sand, I look forward to him encouraging a ban on all the other companies. You know? The ones that are involved in coffee, cut flowers, bananas, rice, tobacco, corn, sugarcane, cocoa beans, oilseed, vegetables, forest products, shrimp, petroleum, coal, apparel and must have accounted for the other 1047 deaths in the last seven years. And then following through to support all the other assassinated union reps in all the other countries in which evil Coke has a factory. All none of them.

PS: Forest products?!? Toot. Toot. I think you all know what I mean!

MY ABC

I used to live in the wilds of Western Australia. From the Pilbara, in the early 1970s, through to the late 1980s when I moved back to Melbourne from Kalgoorlie. A place I'd spent a thoroughly disagreeable six months trying to avoid obsessive Euchre players. Give or take the odd urban sojourn, in all that time, including my seven long years at Do The Boys Hall, I'd only really ever watched the ABC - it was all we had. Now I know the ABC has it's political moments but they weren't as noticable to me back then as they are now. I may have watched the odd Four Corners or Big Country or This Day Tonight. And I distinctly remember the very first thing I watched on ABC when we moved up to Wickham was the 1974 federal election coverage. But it meant absolutely nothing to a young lad who wanted to watch Dr Who. So, in an effort to remember how much I used to enjoy watching it, I did what any sane 41-year-old idler would do; I compiled a list of all the different BBC TV shows I watched over those 15 years. Especially productive was the time spent when I was supposed to be teaching. C'mon, what else am I supposed to do during class?

TT - "Wings." [Scribble] "Clavdivs." [Scribble] "Hazell." [Scribble]

Kale [A struggler] - "Ummm, Tone?"

TT - "Yes Kyle? Kale." Think I got away with that one.

K - "What�s the symbol for Impedance?"

T.T - "Z Cars." Puzzled looks all round.

K - "What?"

T.T - "Z." Ha! They didn�t notice.

K - "You're weird Tone."

T.T - "Get on with it Kyle."

NB: Kale's a good kid. Dumb as a box of hammers. But a good kid. And what kind of name is Kale anyway? It's seaweed isn't it?

Anyhoo, time well spent, I came up with a huge list to help me realise that, on balance the ABC is miles ahead of it's commercial counterparts. Get a load of some of these. They're not all good, but I certainly hold the majority of them in far higher esteem than such hideous dreck as Starsky and Hutch, The Six Million Dollar Man, Charlie's Angels and the Naked Vicar Show. Shows,  that whenever they pop up on Foxtel I ask the same question; "How the hell did anyone watch this rubbish?" and "What the hell's it still on for?" and "How come I haven't changed the channel yet?"

1. A VERY BRITISH COUP
2. ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL
3. ANNA KARENINA
4. APHRODITE INHERITANCE
5. ARE YOU BEING SERVED
6. AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET
7. BARCHESTER CHRONICLES
8. BEN HALL
9. BLACK AND WHITE MINSTREL SHOW
10. BLAKE'S 7
11. BLESS THIS HOUSE
12. BOYS FROM THE BLACKSTUFF
13. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED
14. BUTTERFLIES
15. CALLAN
16. CHEERS
17. CITIZEN SMITH
18. COLDITZ
19. DAD'S ARMY
20. DANGER UXB
21. DAVID NIXON'S MAGIC SHOW
22. DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS
23. DEVENISH
24. DOCTOR WHO
25. DR JEKYLL AND MR HYDE
26. DUCHESS OF DUKE STREET
27. EDWARD AND MRS SIMPSON
28. ELIZABETH R
29. EXPERT
30. FAME IS THE SPUR
31. FAR PAVILIONS
32. FAWLTY TOWERS
33. FOR RICHER FOR POORER
34. FOX
35. GEORGE AND MILDRED
36. GLITTERING PRIZES
37. GOING STRAIGHT
38. GOOD LIFE
39. GOODIES
40. HAZELL
41. HEAVY MOB
42. HITCH HIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
43. I CLAUDIUS
44. IT AIN'T HALF HOT MUM
45. JEMIMA SHORE INVESTIGATES
46. JENNIE LADY RANDOLPH CHURCHILL
47. KESSLER
48. LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE
49. LINGER LONGER MAX
50. LIVER BIRDS
51. LOVEJOY
52. MAELSTROM
53. MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE
54. MARIE CURIE
55. MINDER
56. MONOCLED MUTINEER
57. NAKED CIVIL SERVANT
58. NANCY ASTOR
59. NANNY
60. NEVER THE TWAIN
61. NEW AVENGERS
62. NEW SCOTLAND YARD
63. ONEDIN LINE
64. ONLY WHEN I LAUGH
65. OPEN ALL HOURS
66. OXBRIDGE BLUES
67. PATHFINDERS
68. PENMARRIC
69. PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
70. PHILBY, BURGESS AND MACLEAN
71. PICNIC
72. PLANK
73. POLDARK
74. PORRIDGE
75. RAFFLES REILLY - ACE OF SPIES
76. RIPPING YARNS
77. ROBIN'S NEST
78. ROSIE
79. RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY
80. SECRET ARMY
81. SELWYN
82. SEXTON BLAKE
83. SHELLEY
84. SHOESTRING
85. SINGING DETECTIVE
86. SIX WIVES OF HENRY VIII
87. SMILEY'S PEOPLE
88. SOFTLY SOFTLY - TASK FORCE
89. SYKES
90. TARGET
91. TELFORD'S CHANGE
92. TENKO
93. THRILLER
94. TITMUS REGAINED
95. TO SERVE THEM ALL MY DAYS
96. TO THE MANOR BORN
97. TOM BROWN'S SCHOOLDAYS
98. TWO RONNIES
99. VAN DER VALK
100. WAR AND PEACE
101. WHEN THE BOAT COMES IN
102. WINGS
103. WINSTON CHURCHILL - THE WILDERNESS YEARS
104. WODEHOUSE PLAYHOUSE
105. YES MINISTER
106. YES, PRIME MINISTER
107. YOUNG ONES
108. Z CARS

Numerous Dickens and Wilde adaptations.

There's some good shows there. Like Fox, Porridge, I Claudius, Ripping Yarns, Fawlty Towers, A Very British Coup, Yes Minister, Brideshead (Before it got sad), the theme music from Van Der Valk, Rumpole. One of the things that really pisses me off about Foxtel is that UK TV could be absolutely brilliant and yet it's complete rubbish. With endless episodes of The Bill. I hate the Bill and Eastenders and Corrie and Red Dwarf. And fuckin' Prisoner. It's not even a Pommie show! I wonder if I'll ever again enjoy TV as much as when those shows were on high rotation. Ahh well, must dash. Channel 9's got an old episode of Australia's Funniest Home Roof Garden Renovation Cooking Show. The vegetarian episode. With the cute pets. Fuck me!

DUMB KID

Remember Wayne Kerr? Well, he's been up to his old tricks. Sort of.

In first term he had cheat notes in his calculator and pencil case. This time while conducting my inspections I once again checked his calc. And once again there was a note....

LOOK IN MY BAG.

Ha. Ha. Workin' beautifully Wayne. I looked in his bag.

DO U THINK I'M THAT STUPID!

Sigh....13%

UPDATE: What an excellent coincidence! Just as I'd finished the above post I received this list courtesy of an evil Crows fan outstanding South Australian....

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with too much glue.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1.000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

There's twelve reports done already.

CRUELTY TO CHECKINS?

Just for the record, and because I can't be sure if it wont be changed by tomorrow, this is (was?) an Age headline as of 12:12AM....

KFC sued for aminal mistreatment

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sued KFC Corp today, claiming the US fast food giant was misleading the public by denying that it mistreats hundreds of millions of chickens headed for its fast food restaurants each year.

Cruelty to wrods.

AHOY POLLOI

You know what Jayson Blair's problem was? No sense of humour....

ROSWELL, N.M. -- The sports editor of the Roswell Daily Record has been fired for fabricating part of a news story about a golf tournament in which he quoted a fictional character from the movie Caddyshack.

Daily Record on June 17, the day after his article about a Father's Day golf tournament at the Roswell Country Club appeared on the sports page, editor Mike Bush said.

"He got a bunch of scores and wanted to make it more interesting," Bush said Thursday. He said he did not know if Jones attended the tournament.

He said the newspaper insists on accuracy and objectivity and "we don't tolerate anything less than that."

Jones, 24, said he was shocked by his firing and did not intend to deceive his editors or readers.

"It was tongue-in-cheek. It was sports. I was trying to be light and breezy. I was trying to put out a story that people might like to read," he said in a telephone interview.

Jones was hired in July 2002 as a reporter, was promoted to state-business editor in November and became sports editor in April.

Bush said the story contained three fictitious paragraphs referring to a "Carl Spangler" who claimed to work at the course. In "Caddyshack," Bill Murray played a golf course worker named Carl Spackler.

Jones quoted "Spangler" as saying he invented a new kind of grass for the tournament. The quotation in Jones' story is taken directly from "Caddyshack."

" 'This is a hybrid ... of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent and northern California sensemilia (sic),' " Spangler said. " 'The amazing stuff about this, is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on the stuff.' "

Bush said the Daily Record received "a couple of complaints" about the story. The newspaper ran a correction.

On being told he was sacked Jones was heard to mutter "Thank you very little."

DRIVY SUNDAY AFTERNOON

A good win by the Demons yesterday. Pity I didn't get to see it....

Meanwhile, Carlton has blamed people turning up late for massive delays to fans in entering the stadium yesterday. Hundreds were still queueing outside more than halfway through the first term, with general admission tickets sold out. Optus Oval ground manager Martin Shannon said all ticket booths and gates were open and the delays occurred because fans had left it to the last minute. He said the gates had been virtually empty at 1.30 but 15 minutes later, people began turning up in droves. Yesterday's attendance of 24,209 was well below the ground's 32,000 capacity.

Listen up Moosh! You've got no right to tell folks they're turning up late when there's nothing to do before the main game. People would certainly get there earlier if there was a curtain raiser. And anyway, I've been to Optus Oval to watch every Melbourne/Carlton game since 1989, including the minus 99 degree game when some Carlton simpleton was wearing thongs and shorts, and I always arrive about five minutes before game time and I've never had any trouble getting in quick stix. I live in Richmond and the game was in Carlton and it generally takes me about 30 minutes to get from home, find a park, get into the ground and finally to find a place from where to watch the game. Yesterday it was a little different. The game was scheduled to start at 2:10.... 1:35 � Left home. 1:50 � Started driving around Carlton looking for a park. 2:05 � Found park. (Newry Street. A long way away.) 2:20 � Arrived at end of line. 2:35 � Announcement � "General Admin tickets have sold out. General standing room tickets are about to sell out. The only available tickets are for reserved seats ($33:50)" 2:45 � Went home 4:00 � Watched game on telly. Ate chicken chips. Telstra Dome has always had these problems and they�ve made �You should get there earlier� a speciality. However, I�ve never experienced them at Optus. Is it a coincidence that Ian Collins is now in charge at Carlton? It would take an awful lot of work to convince me that Collo doesn't intentionally make entry difficult so as to shepherd patrons into the more expensive seats to pay off his stadium debts. What he said!