After Grog Blog

HOW'S OUR DOLLAR DOING?

Gottliebsen, Pascoe, Clitheroe & Farndon (Hiding in back).......Track The Trends.

Wonder which one's really Nick Leeson?

Tracked by Nora.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 19 Part 1 - Absence Note

Apologies for the recent dearth of World Cup reports. I know you're all devastated. "Yeah. Roight!" Doesn't matter though, I've been reading plenty of good stuff from super-cloggers, Ex Pat O'Jennings and Ubersporty Spice Scott therefore all your Clogging needs have been sumptuously catered for.

"Yeah, but do you have an excuse Teacher Boy?"

Not excuses, reasons. They're twofold AND fighteningly mundane. First, I had to work. Whoah there Sad Old Bastard! (I'm sadder, older & bastardier). Before you say anything......Too Late!....

Anyhoo, I teach on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Unfortunately this corresponds with my Big Biggish Some Hits days. The trade off's not too shabby though. I don't have to work on Monday or Friday. Sweet deal! A four day long weekend every weekend. Don't anyone ever question why I became a teacher. However, I sometimes feel I'm blogging to myself. There's an upside here too. I'm massively self-indulgent.

Also, this particular Tuesday delivered low Cloggage because of events Previously Documented. I intend to review that Musical Extravaganza at later date, but as I say, this most recent of AGB midweeks has been somewhat clogged (Hee Hee).

Where the hell am I?!? Oh yeah. Cricket.

Caught the second half of the Aussie innings last night. Pretty damn uneventful. It was always a casual progression, slip-ups not withstanding. The Aussies were going to score something over two-fifty. Even the last over slogathon was interesting only for how many would be scored. Let's face it. Half the bloggers on my links list would have knocked up at least 16 runs in that over. Girly blogettes included. Nubie Blogger Mike (More about THAT Swamp burner later) tried to read a bit extra into it. Not sure I agree with him. The game was echoing to a chorus of snores. There's no story in Lehmann smacking around a second rate park cricketer. I'd have been much more impressed if he'd tonked Curtley Amby for 28.

Our bowling was even more of a doze as it was blindingly obvious the Nambies didn't have a clue. There's no excitement to be extracted from Glen McPigeon dismissing my blogroll.

That's all I've got to say about this week's cricket. Normal service shall be resumed this (Four Day) weekend.

LOSE WEIGHT NOW

Ask me how

It's Friday so I've been shopping. Guess what I bought? No? I'll give you a hint....

Get it now? No?!? Are you an idiot?!? I purr-chased George Foreman's folding barbeque cooker thing. Sighhhh. The thing in the picture stupid! Nooooo! Not the fat guy in the apron. Moron! Thinks the Mexican border pays rent!

Now I'm home. The Big Gorilla (Gag placement opportunity ________________) is out of the box and ready to "Knock Out Some Fat". I've defrosted some spicy snags. Yes! Defrosted. You food snob!

Anyway, enough small talk. It's into the kitchen with me.

Time To Get Thin!

BOOBIES, BABIES & BUGGER OFF

What's breast for the baby?

The new member for the electorate of Celebrity, Kirsty Marshall, sure created a stir in State Parliament yesterday. Of course the daily blabs, revelling in their role as arbiters of public decency and never allergic to a story involving official cheesecake, were all over it like drunken hands at a strip club. The Hun, The Age and The Australian. Front pages each one.

Being single, unbabied and with less than a passing interest in other people's infants I don't profess any great affinity with the topic, however, I do have a few questions....

Does This Picture show Marshall paying ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER to her job?!?. What about Fellow member Karen Overington?!? "Oooh, Ahhh, gootchie gootchie goo. Who's a pretty girl then?" These are NOT two people with their minds on their publicly funded sinecures!

Two days ago Marshall spent time telling us about the wonderful creche at Parliament House. Why then, immediately ignore it's existence?!?

Do any of the professional Boob Snacktivists care about the well being of the baby? A rowdy parliament house hardly seems the place to carefully nurture a new born baby.

On the flip side, what if the baby started wailing...

Smiler Bracks - "Jee wizz Brumbles, tough day! And that baby! Cripes! I could use a couple of ice cold microphones."

With overwhelming numbers in the house, it's not as if her vote matters. Why then, didn't Marshall apply for leave as is permitted to new mothers? It would certainly have been granted.

Did Marshall ask about leave? If not. Why not?

She says, "I whacked her on the chest puppy and walked in, sat down..." Why then didn't she ask someone if it was permitted to breast feed in the House? It defies belief that she wouldn't seek permission prior to the transgression!

Then again, maybe there's a more cynical explanation.

The Brack's government are famous for their cheap stunts. Is it possible this slick PR machine jumped at the chance to snow the first week of sitting? They would certainly know it'd be a limelight hog.

Apropos to all that, is it a coincidence that Marshall sprung this surprise in Spring Street on the same day that Labor introduced their potentially controversial Terrorist Bill and the day before their proposed Constitutional Reform Bill?

Finally, stop calling her the Celebrity MP! She's merely a second choice candidate (After ALP stalwart Lisa Carey declined the gig) who sleazed in on the racist vote and her only talent is the ability to fall down a hill.

TORN n FRAYED

I'm thrashed out today. Therefore a review of Last Night's Late Night will appear anon. In fact, I'm so tired that I can't even be bothered opening this link. [Ed: Subtle]. So, all I've got the energy for is to offer up this tautological little titbit....

What She Said.

Just below I made mention of Haloscam's part time comment facility, but Boynty summed it up perfectly.

HALOSCAM

What's the point?

Is there even the remotest, teensy weensy, miniscule, insignificant chance that one day I'll turn on the computer and won't think...

Haloscan's probably down today!

I've nearly had enough!

IS EVERYBODY READY? WE'RE SORRY FOR THE DELAY.

[Chug. Chug. Hmmmm. Harmonica] - Well you're talkin bout the midnight blogger.....

In the spirit of Shame Warne and his Mother's Little Helper, I'm off to see the Stones. What's more, the show's just across the road at the Rod Laver Arena.

Wish List; in no particular order....

Midnight Rambler
Dead Flowers
Moonlight Mile
Sweet Virginia
Let It Loose
Rocks Off
Lovin' Cup
Sympathy For The Devil
Flight 505
Stray Cat Blues
Live With Me
Child Of The Moon
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Respectable
Gimme Shelter
Faraway Eyes
Goin' Home
It's Not Easy
Monkey Man
Silver Train
You Got The Silver (Gotta have some Keef)
&
It's Only Rock n Roll....yes Mick. It is. So what the hell am I waiting for?!?

Get outta here me!

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 16 Part 1 - Call the Stewards.

Not only did Sri Lanka lose to Kenya, they got flogged (Not footy blogged). Reminds me of Bangladesh v Pakistan last time and The Windies v Kenya the time before that. Bizarre. This is bigger though. Now Kenya are a great chance to advance to the Super 6 stage. And because they've thrashed Sri Lanka and beaten New Z'land on a four-feet, if they make the last stage they'll be seeded Number 1. It also means the Yarpies have a harder run to make the last stage. (Ho. Ho.)

Australia didn't exactly canter in against Zimbabwe In Bulawayo, but neither should they have. The home team aren't a bunch of Zimbociles and would have expected to put up a good show. They batted well at the top and bottom of the innings but Hogg bogged them down mid way. In fact Hogg seems to go from strength to strength. An excellent mid stage bowler, terrific fielder and a more than handy batsman. At this point the Aussies certainly aren't missing Shame Warne.

Brett Lee's catch was a stunner. I think he redefined the term "Reflex Catch". To quote that famous commentator, Bill Shakespeare; "Is this a ball I see before me?!?"

There may have been a bit of implied pressure, but during the chase the Aussies always looked in control. It was a terrific pitch so the tepid Zimbo attack was never going to trouble them. May have been a touch different if Hondo hadn't done a Tuffers and dropped Gilchrist early on, but the Aussies were going to have to get themselves out. Just like Matty Hayden did. He'd be kicking himself. Caught round the corner to what would have been an innocuous wide. My criticism's nothing whatsoever, at all, even slightly, to do with his selection in my Fantasy Beeb Team. Martin & Lehmann also got some much needed batting practice.

Ian Healy, fast becoming the best special comments man around was asked on ACA, pointedly I might say, by Hairdo Martin whether he thought Channel 9 employee Warnie was hard done by regarding the drugs finding. Said Heals; "Nope. Everyone knows the drug code. It's stressed to them all the time. Warnie knows he shouldn't have taken the pill. End of issue." Well said.

By the way, I wasn't too happy with the crystal set reception from ABC radio.

PS: Dean "Dead Rubber" Jones is just as irritating in the commentary box as he was on the field. "Take your sweat bands off Curtley." I wish he'd stop patronising the minnows. The dear little things don't deserve it. They do try so very hard.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 15 Part 1 - Hot day. Draw blinds. Drink beer. Watch cricket.

Yesterday�s two games weren't biggies. There were, however, some Minty moments. The sort that make the minnow games fun to watch.

India v Namibia was played on an oval with a tree. Reminded me of playing in the Tooronga thirds at Fawkner Park. There you could tap a six. Good for your average. Especially when you're as average as me.

It's always a treat to watch Sachin Tendulakar bat well. No one makes batting look as easy as the Indian batsmeister. It's a pity the whole world has him in their BBC Fantasy World Cup. I'm currently well placed at 21,157.

With a cruisy century Sourav Gangles proved again he's excellent against crap attacks. I couldn't believe it when I saw he has the Second Most Centuries in ODI history. He must have played plenty of minnows. Did I say trouble free? It was until he mistimed a pull to mid-chin. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. It didn't hurt much, but the scar "Chicks dig scars" means shaving can be a bugger.

Nayan Mongia nearly dropped a sitter in the outfield. He must have been concerned about running into tree trunks. However, he recovered beautifully to avoid sliding over the boundary.

In keeping with Monty Python's "Hit the ball back at me like a bullet. Never a chance to move. Couldn't protect myself." Sachin Tendulkar nearly killed the Pakistani umpire, Aleem Dar. Kashmir's got nothing on their cricket rivalry.

I watched the West Indies v Canada. Or as Tony Hancock would say, Car-Nar-Dar, "I don't know about YOU, but I watch Grar-Nar-Dar!"

Nearly fell off my lounge chair, spilling beer all over the cheezeewhatsits when I tuned in to see Comedia were 1 for 120 off 17 overs. Melbourne boy John Davidson had smacked the Windies around for the Fastest Ever 100. Pity the commentators called him alternately Joe, Josh, Joseph, Davies, Harris. Da-vid-son, rhymes with Har-ris. In Eskimo maybe!

Augustine Eldine Learie Collingbush Lancelot Link Vasbert Drakes, took a screamer. Better than John Dyson. Out near the boundary, reaching backwards, stretching full length and plucking a pearler. Tony Cozier; "That's over his head. Completely misjudged it."

THIRSTY?

Drink More Piss Then

Care for a Cold One. Allow me to pour. And allow me to point out that Cold One, the one back there, that is, is a link to the history of the brand.

Courtesy of a Blogger Who Rarely Has A Name.

UPDATE: The reviews are in. Bon Vivant Geeblogger, Bernie Slatts has supped the Golden Nectar and reckons it goes alright....

P155 is a product of the Geelong Brewery and not a bad drop at all. But I'd avoid its light variety, known as PISS WEAK.

Just for good measure; Collingwood fan Slatts wasn't going to let Last Night's Result go unmentioned....

The Pies were impressive, but then how weak is Carlton?

C'mon Slatts! Lift your game! Surely the Blue Boys were Piss Weak!

WANTED!

A Word

Righto! We've got a word for Cricket Blogging. Courtesy of an evil Adelaide Cows fan it's even Entered Circulation.

Now with the annual Festival Of The Boot upon us we need another word. This time for Football Blogging. Is Flogging too vicious? Too violent? Too obvious?

GOP FOR ME!

Tammany Hall? Sounds like a porno actress!

This means I'm %42 Democrat! Nooooooo!

How Republican Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks to General Liberal at Catallaxy. What is Catallaxy anyway? It's not in my dictionary.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 14 Part 2 - Too much sauce?

Nightclubs and cricketers never seem to mix. Chris Cairns needs to have word with Kangaroos footballer David King about the dangers associated with hot-dog stands.

And what's this? "The owner of the club, who gave his surname as van der Post." Gave his surname? Is there some doubt?

PS: Maybe the reporter misheard. Maybe he actually said Wilbur Post.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 14 Part 1 - Odds & Ends

Shane Warne's in a spot of bother. Again. He ought to be used to it by now. Never the less, the papers are all over it so I'd have to come up with some pretty imaginative angle to add something to the debate.

End of a career? - Unlikely. The rest will do his shoulder good.

Ban unfair: Berry - No. It was fair in isolation.

Appeal looks futile - That won't stop him though.

A bitter pill to swallow - Indeed. And Dick Pound really is a Dick!

It probably was unfair when compared to the likes of shooter Phillip Adams at the last Commonwealth Games or swimmer Sam Reilly in Atlanta. And Herscelle Gibbs and his gambling offence. That only incurred a six month penalty?!? NSW batsman Graham Rummans got one month. However, those penalties were wrong.

Darren Berry also makes mention of the term Drug Cheat. Doubtless we'll hear a lot of comment along the lines of "Warnie's not a cheat. How does taking drugs improve his performance?" I agree that drugs banned in one sport aren't particularly effective in another. Never the less, due to his own stupidity he broke the rules as they stand now.

Doubtless Warnie will challenge the severity of the appeal. After admitting guilt, he can hardly challenge the verdict.

Reader Ron reckons Warne is a boofhead. I agree. Still, I'll miss watching him bowl. Now we'll have to watch an even bigger cheat overtake him in total number of wickets taken in test cricket. Fortunately Australia are capable of winning matches without Warne. There's no chance we'll threaten to pull out of international cricket because a lone match-winner has been disciplined.

WARNE CUPDATE

Day Bits Part Pieces - Mum made me do it.

It's been a busy day. It started off with me showing city slicker Bernie Slatts around the historic Victorian township of Geelong.

After that I drove home for a little doze and then enjoyed a couple of beakers at the Royal. Now I'm home and watching Paddle-aide play the Cows.

Anyhoo, this is just a mini blogette where I check in to say I reckon the Warne penalty is a fair one.

That said, I'm pretty sure he'll appeal the verdict, in fact he's probably got some solid grounds upon which to base it. The judgement that the panel "found the charge proved" leads me to believe that it was based on the assumption Shane Warne WAS covering up some steroid take-age. There's a chance this falls under the same "he-said-no-he-said" umbrella which exonerated Rashid Latif. After all, there was no proof - YOWZAH! Treadrea's just done his knee! CAP? Ahhhh! - Warne was taking steroids. Never the less, taking diuretics carries a two year penalty. If he appeals, I predict a reduction of the penalty. Particularly in relation to the financial situation because a year's penalty for Warne amounts to a far greater censure than most other players.

ITSY BITSY UPDATE

It's all about spiders!

Dr Tim Blair's discovered a new disease emanating from outback New South Wales....

Iracniphobia

It's a disease common among Two Legged Freaks.

TONE UPDATE

Year 41 Day 63 - The devil ALSO made me do this....

I just went up to Encel and bought a Loewe TV. This ain't just any TV. It doesn't just show TV programs. It shows video tapes AND Digital Video Discs (DVD's they're called!). How bout that? "Whaddaya mean, they all do that?!?"

[Shrug]

Anyway, mine's better. It's got wheels and it's black and has knobs and things that open and it also gets the morning newspapers off the porch. Okay, I exaggerate. It's not black.

Never the less, the picture's so good I can now wipe the sweat off Cheyenne's Face.

I also bought a DVD (See, I'm hip) player. It can show movies and play CD's. It can also sit right there beside the TV. Apparently that's a new development. I got a hot deal too! The salesman threw in a module to control my microwave oven. That clinched it.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 12 Part 1 - The devil made me do it.

Not YOU TWO again?!? Leave me alone!

Devil: "Go on Tone. Do it!"

Angel: "No. No. Tony. You can't. It's cruel."

Devil: "Go on. Don't listen to her. Do it! Do it! Do it! Whaddaya waiting for?"

Angel: "Be a mensch Tony. Think if it happened to you!"

Devil: "WHAT?!? She's a girl. What does sheeeeeeee know?!? Are you a girl Toni? You've got a girl's name. Ya big sooky baby!"

SOOKY?!? BABY?!? ME?!?

Jesus H. Cricket! Snap out of it!

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 11 Part 3 - Kick 'em when they're down. Then kick 'em again.

Gibbs, Donald & Rhodes may be white anting Pollock, but there's no way Ricky Ponting was going to pass up this solid gold chance to continue Steve Waugh's policy of Mental Disintegration.

Straight Onto the Front Foot was Rick....

"They're very set in their ways and their plans.... very regimented way and style of playing....not working for them that well at the moment....I didn't totally understand how much pressure they were under."

Tactically lacking. Playing badly. Pressure Bunnies. Whammo!

It's always been the AFL way to not say anything inflammatory lest you give the opposition a leg up. "They're a great team. We just played better on the day." That sort of nonsense.

The Aussie cricketers are an entirely different kettle of bolted horses. They don't care what the public, the media or the opposition think. They're happy doing or saying anything as long as the other teams know the Aussies have got them in their sights.

The Aussie opinion? If you can't handle it you shouldn't be out there. The Windies did the same back in the eighties. Both with their fast bowlers and their swaggering confidence. The Windies operated the same way as the Aussies do now. (But never seemed to attract the same sort of criticism the Aussies attract)

Well, I for one love it! Test cricket's a tough gig and I remember the bad old days. More power to 'em, I say!

As Confederate General, Nathan Bedford Forrest once said; "Keep up the scare!".

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 11 Part 2 - A Usual Suspect.

Of course the post below makes the title to Spanky Roebuck's article, Grown-up Gibbs is now key to his team's success look, in part, ridiculous at best.

I know it was probably a sub-editor who plonked that heading on top of the article. And yeeesss, before you all jump me, I know the article was about Gibbs as an opener, but it still included this line; "nowadays Gibbs carries himself well among his peers." I'm pretty well convinced that doesn't mean; "Whining about the good ole days when you could get a bet on through the captain." That's what Gibbs seems to spend a lot of time doing.

Anyhoo, as regular readers may have noticed, I'm somewhat dubious about Spanky's intentions. I've always suspected that one of the reasons he gets a gig is to provide a counter-point to predominant Aussie opinion. Nothing particularly evil in that. In fact I agree with him often, but I disagree with him more. However, going against the grain for the sake of it smacks of under-grad horse-play, not sound analysis. On second thoughts, he is in the pay of the Fairfaxis of Evil.

Wonder what his response would be if Adam Gilchrist had criticised Ricky Ponting's leadership. Spanky would have been all over it like Flies On Sherbet.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 11 Part 1 - When you're on a good thing.

Pat Symcox wasn�t much of a bowler. His right-arm Offies were criminally mis-named. They only ever turned off the bat. Never thought of him as much of a batsman either, but occasionally he'd connect. However, he didn't chuck and he was a tough competitor.

Now he's a straight-talking commentator, weird exchanges with Navjot Sidhu not withstanding....

Symcox - "Nav, last time I was in India, I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian."

Sidhu - "That's a very strange thing to say Pat."

Symcox - "I've heard you're allowed to eat meat on the weekends?"

Sidhu - "Only if you're Sunny Gavaskar."

Now, it would appear he's a straightforward selector as well. Especially if today's Herald Sun is anything to go by:

"If Gibbs doesn't want to play under the current management, then he should get out and find another team to play for. For a man who's been involved in match-fixing, smoking dagga and late-night shenanigans, to criticise his captain in that way is unbelievable. He's the last person who should open his mouth, whatever his private thoughts."

Symcox added he was sick and tired of hearing Gibbs, Jonty Rhodes and Allan Donald dedicate the World Cup to Cronje:

"It's time the guys stopped living in the past and concentrated on making a contribution now."

Give 'em hell, Pat!

However, I don't know where Gary Kirsten is when he's not batting, but it ain't at the game:

"Personally, I think Shaun Pollock's done a very good job for this team. He came into the job under very trying circumstances when the whole match-fixing scandal broke out and, for the next year-and-a-half, we played probably the best cricket we've ever played."

It's right that he should stand up for his captain. I just don't agree with what he says. Watching Flummo bat on Monday's replay it seemed every time he hit the ball into the outfield it bounced back off the advertising hoardings. Most times I expected a fielder to stroll around and pick it up. Not so! The balls kept going to the boundary. It would seem that Ricky Ponting's observation that, "They are very set in their ways and plans...." extends to their field placings too.

Never the less, I'm not prepared to write South Africa off at this stage. They've only got to beat the Windies and in turn The Windies could easily lose to Sri Lanka. In One Day cricket it's easy for a side to turn it around and get on a roll. Just look at last time in England.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 10 Part 1 - Odds & Sods

What's with Sarth Efrica?

First Herschelle Gibbs:

"His leadership skills made him the icon that he was," said Gibbs

Yeah! In the same way Robbie Waterhouse is an Icon. Then Daffy Donald takes us to his Supreme Leader:

The absence of Hansie Cronje's "supreme leadership" is a prime reason for South Africa's World Cup form slide�.

Earth to Yarpies; Get over it! The guy was a CHEAT! And just quietly; an extremely over-rated captain too.

Bollock isn't a good captain but he deserves better. Where've I seen this lately? The ALP perhaps?

Now, in the same way Iraq's handed Labor a chance at recovery, the weather's done the same for Sarth Efrica. Last Night's Washout means the ball's now back in their court. Before last night they had to rely on the Windies, or Sri Lanka to lose. Now, thanks to the Windies result against the Bangers, the Yarpies can advance if they win enough games.

It remains to be seen if they can take their chance.

And it looks like Shane Warne may be in More Hot Water than initially thought:

The star leg spinner's explanation was also called into question by revelations that analysis of the positive drug test indicated Warne must have taken more than one banned diuretic tablet.

If this is the case it makes Warne's previous claim that he inadvertently took ONE pill look tenuous at best. This also makes my claim of Three to Six look tenuous.

And I'm not sure what Dick Pound thinks he's doing. As the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency he should refuse to comment on due process until the event is settled. Well, maybe a few platitudes, but not some sneering comedy routine. "Poisoned by his mother" or "I got it from the toilet seat, It jumped right up, and...." but I digress. He should know to keep shtum until all the evidence has been heard. And what's this:

Pound warned that a lenient Australian Cricket Board decision would put at risk Australia's reputation as a tough leader in the fight against doping

Get your hand off it Dick! It's not your job to publicly lobby Australian officials to make an EXAMPLE of anyone. Warne must be judged on the merits of the case WHEN they come in.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 9 Part 1 - Dontcha hate that.

Let's face it! Sarth Effy have Lions! Crocodiles! Leopards! Cheetahs! It also has all manner of nasty, noxious, bighty, slithering and slavering beasties.

So, in looking for an imposing monicker for their international sports sides, what do they do?!? Something to terrify the opposition? Maybe they thought of:

The Lethal Lions? Nope.

The Horrible Hyenas? Nope.

The Mother Mauling Spitting and Sledging Mambas? Nope.

The Flesh Tearing, People Eating, Baby Chomping, Mighty Meer Kats? Nope.

They went for the jugular. Something really vicious. Something really, really, REALLY horrid. Something so scary it caused fat fans to tackle umpires. They called their rugby side the Springboks and their cricket side the Proteas. What is a Protea anyway?!? No matter.

Whichever way you look at it, they both sound like blouse wearing, tofu eating, camomile drinking, street marching, panty waist beasts of breakfast. They'd be better off calling themselves The Gnu's or The Pink Arsed Gibbons. Just leave The Zebras alone! That's taken. Go You Zebbies!.

That eventually ties me to a point. Of sorts.

Yesterday as I wrote a post I watched a replay of Sunday night's game. I'd tuned in fairly late and then had to go out just as the game ended. (Psst! Have they changed the end of innings runs rule?) When I got down to the pub temperance meeting I kept a sly eye on the telly in the corner. It was there I saw Mark Boucher put down My Boy Flummo.

My first thought was, "How blog-worthy is that?!?". Oddly enough my second thought was, "How blog-worthy's that?!?". However, I didn't blog it! I really am an excedingly hard working and responsible member of Victoria's educational establishment. As such I went home and to bed as soon as I'd indulged in a reasonable number of Grape Juices.

I wanted to be the first blogger to jump all over the Herscelle Gibbs/Mark Boucher connection. Let's face it. Sarfy have a magnificent ability to blow a chance. Something along the lines of, "You just dropped the world cup Bouch" came to mind.

BUT! I was scopped [Ed: That'd be "scooped", stupid!] by another Melbourne Blogger! Stole my thunder they did!

In keeping with my pledge to transform this into a family friendly blog. Bum!

PS: The Yarpie attack is crap!

UPDATE: Apparently the Protea is a flower. Surprise! Surprise!

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 8 Part 1 - Who would YOU barrack for?!?

Although I rate New Z'land an excellent chance of winning the World Cup, I must admit I was very surprised when I heard they had beaten Sarth Efrica in last night's game. Then I heard they'd chased a revised Duckyloo target and my mind immediately went back to the Sydney semi-final in 1992 where they needed 22 of 14, which suddenly became 22 off 1 courtesy of a late rain delay. Didn't they squawk then? Wonder if they'll do the same here?

However, any team that can chase a target and end up 1 for 229 off 36.5 overs, as the K1-W1's did,  would be a good chance of chasing down a measly, paltry and pathetic 306 off 50.

Anyhoo, it's left us with a priceless situation whereby the Yarpies may miss out on the Super 6 stage. I think they must now rely on other results. Eeeeexxccellent!!

The down side is that NZ are now a good chance to go through and keep their ambush appointment with Australia. I don't think I could handle that! As THIS noted cricket fan would say, "Ooh the pain!"

The upside is that in the Fantasy World Cup, my boy Flummo made a fine 134. I'm sure regular commenter, Carrot, would approve of that.

On Saturday night Spanky Roebuck interrupted yet another political riff; "Tanks at Heathrow prove England's more dangerous than Zimbabwe." [Ed to Spanker; Spank Self.] to predict that England would beat Holland. They did. Of course the Spanker has fond memories there. He's the only England captain ever to lose to Holland.

UPDATE: I've just read over at Micheal Jenning's Joint that Sean Pollock captained down to his usual standard. Agree. The Ginger Ninja may be a good cricketer, but he's a dodgy skipper at best.

PUB CUPDATE

Camera? Say cheese Hide!

YEEE-OWW!

Now! Here's the Couch Potato Untouched Photo.

Notice I'm trying to hide behing a glass. That's Slatt's wine vat!

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 7 Part 1 - Wine. Cheese. Blowers. Blog.

I'm starting to worry. Too often last night I heard the ominous phrase, "looking invincible". Shut up! If Australia keep winning that easy they�re a certainty to get ambushed in the knockout phase. Probably by New Z'land. Where's Dipak Patel?

At least we now know how Operation Sachin works. Knock over the rest for rock-all. Simple. Effective.

India? Appalling! Gangles & Sewag (Shay-Wag?) better start moving their feet and stop flailing at wide ones. Brett Lee sucked Sewag in with a double wide and Gangles seems so intent on sticking it to the Aussies that he keeps taking rank swipes. Once the top order was gone India were never a chance. Harby's eccentric shot selection not withstanding. I received an SMS three overs in that said Tendulks top score 40. Prescient.

Jason Gill�pie is the best fast bowler in the world at the moment. He has been for about a year. He just bowls TOO well to get batsmen out. Lee and McGrath bowled well and Hogg trapped Harby with a beauty which was neatly captured by the Zoomer. Efrikaans for slow-mo close-up? Just to rub it in (Kumble�s groin also) Darren Lehmann cleaned up the tail. And umpire Da Silva�s been to the Morgan Freeman Steve Bucknor Academy of Dramatic Pauses.

The Aussie chase was a doddle. With "Hayden charging like a barrister with a bad gambling habit" and The Defendant Gilchrist retiring out as he hopped down the pitch and kept going. Until he realised Dravid needed two goes at the stumping. What's he doing behind the stumps? (Shake of head) The Indian pacers were never going to worry the Aussies so their only threat, The Turbanator, should have been on earlier. Somewhere round the second over.

I listened to the radio. It�s great to hear Henry Blofeld again. "Ooh. There's a helicopter. How exciting. Rather a bulbous one too." He seems to like working with Aussies. He was fabulous years ago with Ray Jordan, "Splendid shot that, Slug old thing." "Bloody oath Blowers." And now he does a great double act with Thommo. In fact Thommo continues to prove what dolts the ABC were to persevere with Neville Oliver, whose suck-radio was so nauseating the Beeb commentators started taking the piss out of him. They obviously approve of Thommo's straightforward approach. Or maybe he still scares them. One complaint though. Turn the effects mikes down! Jesus. Every Indian single seemed like a last ball match winning six.

PS: Aussie fans are better catchers than Yarpie fans and there were cows grazing in the carpark.

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 6 Part 1 - Look! Oooh! Woww! Ahhh! Crackers.

Received the following corrective E-mail from Bill....

Tony,

Have you got the right day attached to your Cupdate Updates. For instance today should be Day 6 and not Day 5. I wonder if you're forgetting the Opening Ceremony.

Bill

Your point being Bill?

I don't do opening ceremonies. Why? Two reasons.

One, Crackers! Here in Melbourne the opening of a new double-mirrored, metal-plated wine-bar is an excuse for fireworks. They probably had them at Federation Square on Thursday morning. Let's find out from an Intrepid Reporter who was on the spot. No! Whaddaya mean? No!

Down the road from me is Olympic Park. The Melbourne Storm play there and have crackers every second Sunday arvo. That's arvo. Not night. Fireworks in the daytime? What's the point? They'd have them at a vacant OP on away games if they could. They even have them on their website!

Then across the road, not 200 metres from where I type, is the Melbourne Cricket Ground. I'm convinced the ONLY reason The AFL wants to move the Grand Final to Saturday night is so they can have more penny bungers!  It's the lure of the Whizz-gablet and the Zzzing-popper. TV rights don't enter into it.

And Two. Big Events! The Oscars, The Grammies, The Golden Globes, The Logies. Nope! Boring! Not even slightly interested.

And what do you get when you combine Big Events and Fireworks? Yes. You guessed it. Opening Ceremonies. That's what! They're even less interesting than slightly interesting. Never forget the evil banality unleashed on humanity by Rick Birch at the S'Siddey Olympics? World, I give you Nicky Webster.

I'm in it for the cricket, the football, the soccer, the motor racing, the baseball, the tiddlywinks. Well, maybe not the motor racing. A parade of past players and a few team photos on the morning of the first match would do me.

Meanwhile I'll continue to watch SBS re-runs of classic Spaghetti Westerns.

Day 6 Part 2 - Well, sort of.

A prize to anyone who can successfully marry the words Cricket and Blogger. Crogger? Blicketter? Appalling!

Anyhoo, I'm adding one to the AGB links. London Ozblogger, or is that Aussie Lonblogger, Michael Jennings talks cricket. Cricket good. Ergo Michael good. (Not Kerry Good)

But what's this atop his Blog?!? "You appear to be viewing this blog from Frankston, Australia. Welcome."

Frankston?!? Do I look like I've been fighting? I think your Global Blogging Sattelite needs a tweak.

NB: I was living in London when the Aussies won the World Cup in 1987. Work the next night was VERY satisfying. Apropos to that, Michael must have had great fun at work on Thursday. Sigh. Good times.

Day 6 Part 3 - Saturday night at the Tee Vee.

What with all the wine, beer, ribs, cheese and bickies, errrr, I mean dried fruit, rice crackers and mineral water I've had tonight it's obvious; Cricket Blogging = Clogging. Sounds healthy. Is healthy.

Another beer thanks Broph. Pass the dips while you're at it!

Well. Well. Dear old things - All out for 125.

NB: Gill'pie is a gun. Is he the best fast bowler in the world??

PS: Now that India have been turfed out much earlier than expected I've got a decision to make. The original and best Cat People on ABC or the brilliant gimmick-free One False Move over at Encore.

Day 6 Part 4 - Saturday night at the Tee Vee.

Why go to Oprah or Maury Povich when our very own help line, Gabbin' With Grog, provides all the answers you're ever likely to need. Answers to significant questions such as this one from Anonymous at Google.

What did Rashid Latif say to Gilchrist?

Well, Anonymous, I think I can help you there. My well-placed sources inform me it was something along the lines of; "See you in court White C***!"

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 5 Part 1 - The soccer was fun. Meanwhile, back at the cricket.

And important matters. And there�s not much bigger matter in Aussie sports journalism, that Patrick Smith. Horse racing excluded, I always read his articles. Sometimes he vents on matters that matter to me, other times he reminds me of the Matter in a certain Camden Town sink; �Don't go in there Withnail! There's matter!".

Patrick's long been a pundit on matters racial and today, inspired by recent events in Sarth Efrica, penned another article On The Matter.

It's been Patrick's position that calling someone "Black" is not the same as calling someone "White" because....

To call a black person a black c . . . is to validate history. A history that shows the systematic persecution of black people around the world. Apartheid, the Ku Klux Klan, slavery. It is horrific and Australian history shows we are no innocents either. To call a white cricketer a white c . . . is to abuse him, but it hardly vilifies him, for there is no context for it to be vilification. On what grounds does Gilchrist feel racially hurt?

Now, while I agree with him that, on balance, past deeds against blacks outstrip those against whites this is not sufficient ground to ignore a racial slur against whites.

Patrick's assertion is that when blacks are racially villified they have good reason to be upset, but when whites are similarly sledged they ought to turn the other cheek and put up with it because the insult holds nowhere near the clout.

It's here I disagree with Patrick�s arrogant stance. And arrogant it is too....

Talkback radio raged yesterday because Latif was ruled innocent of the charge of racially vilifying Gilchrist�.Caller after caller argued that if black people are offended by being called black, then white people have every right to feel vilified if they are called white. It is an interesting barometer of what an apparently large part of the Australian community perceives racism to be. Cleary, a lot of Australians don't have a clue.

In other words; "Shut up idiots. Deal with it!"

Who's Patrick to dictate how I should feel. If I was upset at being racially sledged and there was a law against it then I should have the same legal redress as a black person.

An aboriginal friend of mine, once told me; �You know Tone, we got you Gubbos on the run. We can say whatever we like and get away with it. When we call you White C***s it's a spiteful way of calling you a racist. Even if you're not. And we know it hurts!�

I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who would feel upset at being sledged like that and it's not up to Patrick to judge whether it hurts any feelings. If they want to go to court they should be comfortable in doing so. Not discouraged by the likes of Patrick and his �Thought Police�.

TIMING'S EVERYTHING

I picked the wrong day to give up expletives!

On the very day I decide to give up Bad Words I'm tagged a Potty Blog.

Fu. False! I deny it all! Even those slanderous accusations about the thing with the leather-goods and hand-c....errr....

Maybe I should sue? Where's My Lawyer? Put that home-brew down!

NB: On a correctional note. Ben takes us back to the good ole days. The days when the Presbyterian Church was a road-hole bunker at St Andrews. The days when Stewy Littlemore was "The MONDAY NIGHT Nasty Man".

NOT A CRICKET POST

Part 1 - On the Up at Upton Park.

Just watched the soccer Friendly from London and as someone who's virtually never watched my country in an International, I've a few observations.

Firstly, because Australia were playing it was an exciting game but the general standard of play was somewhat haphazard. There were plenty of shots on goal, but they came about from scrappy ball control rather than any pieces of inspired play. Fortunately this sloppiness tended to free up players so that they could run at the respective defences so there was plenty of action.

Some of the finishing was superb though. Kewell for Australia and Jeffers for the Bath Dodgers were both top shelf strikes.

Both sides had early chances. If Owen and Beckham had scored early for Ing-Ger-Land it may have been a different sort of game. Scholes had one disallowed, but there was a clear off-side. However, the same can be said for Emerton and Chipperfield, among others, who missed early chances for the Good Guys Australia.

Neither side was particularly tight in defence. The number of chances would attest to that. Aussie goalie, Mark Schwartzer, nearly made a blunder of Seamanesque proportions and at other times got a bit cute with the ball at his feet. Tall, slow goalies should not try to run around Michael Owen. David James, in goal for the Poms had a good game. Three goals was a reflection of the number of Aussie chances rather than James living down to his nick-name, The Gimp in Goal.

Kewell's a star when allowed a bit of space. He's pretty good at finding it too. Bet the Poms are ruing the day he decided to play for Australia!

One of the most noticable aspects was the crowd. Although we were assured by Mr Phoooodboll, Les Murray, that it was a packed house, the crowd noise was nothing like the deep, full throated, double-bass roar we've come to expect from a Premier League match. I've not been to an International in the UK. Is this normal? More corporate types perhaps? Theatre goers? Rich bald headed babies?

All in all, a pretty good game, if not one to have the purists drooling. Even though it was only a Friendly it was great the Aussies won and I can't wait to see the Pommy headlines! Something along the lines of the classic Swedes (Sweden) 2 : Turnips (England) 0 would be nice. Then again, they're probably out of material for Australia/England contests.

Never the less, It would be remiss of me in my role as a, in Martin Tyler's words, Capable & Confident Aussie if I passed up the opportunity for some Gratuitous Gloatage!

1) If you burnt the ball from today's game would the remains fit in the Ashes Urn?

2) Now we know what the Barmy Army do in winter.

Hmmm, Ashes? Barmy Army? Nearly made it out of here without a reference to Cricket.

Part 2 - What matters is how you play the game. However, losers will be shot.

El Guardian
Socceroos Shame Both Englands

Cricket, tennis, rugby and now football. Is there any sport where England can beat Australia?

The Independent
Eriksson's Experiment Turns To Humiliation

Regardless of the second half, when England Future looked a lot more promising than England Present, last night's friendly defeat to Australia was an absolute disaster. It was embarrassing, humiliating and shaming.

The Times
Eriksson's Half-Measures Ensure His Side Falls Flat On Its Face

Nothing like introducing yourself to a bunch of Aussies with the words: �Hi! We�re a bunch of stuck-up Poms who fancy our chances. As for you � you�re not quite our class, dear.�

The Telegraph
Eriksson's Experiment Blows Up

"We want four," chanted the Australians. England just wanted the exit.

The Mirror
Shame Of Two Halves

Pathetic, simply pathetic. "You'll never win the Ashes!" mocked the Aussie fans, and England desperately needed to raise their game in response.

The Current Bun
England 1 Australia 3

We used to banish our convicts to Australia. Last night there were another 11 criminals who should have been frogmarched to the boat for a one-way trip Down Under.
Forty-five minutes of cobblers against the cobbers.

Drown 'n Out

There are ways to describe it but I am attempting to maintain some level of decency here.

Can't help but notice they think we're a bunch of scrubbers. While they keep up that attitude we'll keep thumping them.

Part 3 - At least there's Rugby Union and that other game. Slurpball? Bedbag? Fruitrace? C'mon you know? Help me out here! The one with the plastic bags and the oranges.

The other day I was playing Phooodboll over in Scott Wickstein's Back-Yard Blog when I enquired; "Didn't one of our boys win some major Darts Champeeenship last year? He was a heeemapheeeliac. (Got no idea how to spell it!)

Well, confirmation (of sorts) from today's brown paper bagged, Crikey Sealed. It was hidden inside the more tasteful, Shania Twain Strips. Uh-Uh. No link you naughty boys. This is a wholesome family blog. Anyhoo, it included this item about Australia's dominance over the old Dart. (Smirk)

So without further ado; it's over to the Mayniac....

No longer is being chosen to play soccer for Australia, like surfing for England. Now the responses are flowing in to our challenge: find us a sport the Poms can beat us at.

Aaron writes�.

�It's really unfair of you to say that the Poms are now incapable of beating Australia at anything played outside of a pub.
This is blatantly untrue, as the Poms are also incapable of beating Australia at sports INSIDE a pub, as the last World Darts Championship showed.
A little Aussie battler (also a haemophiliac) from Townsville called Tony David beat hell out of the Poms at yet another one of the sports they invented (and claim to master):Aaron�

A word to Marcel from Merseyside�.

"Have you Aussies forgotten that you're now unable to beat England at Rugby Union? Also, England just won the recent Rugby 7's - I think the Aussies were 4th!

Regards, Marcel (suffering Pom)"

A robust defence Marcel. Marcel? French isn�t it?

PHOODBOLL UPDATE

Because Haloscan is down. As usual. I had to access comments via the back door. Anyhoo I noticed this one from Jim which I can't link to.

You ask what can the "Old Country" beat Australia at these days...?? Darts maybe??

Although the only time the Poms are likely to hear the phrase "One Hundred and Eighty!" against Australia these days is possibly the number of subs old Svengali Yodaran Longballsson wants the next time the 2 teams play.

Only TWO teams Jim?!?