After Grog Blog

JIMPRECISE

Today at the MCG Marvan Attapatu was fielding for Sri Lanka against Australia A. Quoth Little Jimmy Brayshaw....

"Attapatu has saved around 15 to 20 runs off his own bat."

I suppose the batsman maaayyy have borrowed Marvan's bat. But it was more likely Marvan was batting and fielding at the same time.

Who You Gonna Call?

Looks like there's Trouble in the Philippines.

Moms I'd Like to Find. Sounds promising. Hope they subcontract.

The After Grog Blog Picayune - Word spreads!

According to a Dividing Church minister it's now a Media Outlet....

Uniting Church minister Bev Fabb, who was at the Port Hedland centre on Sunday afternoon, said detainees were angry about recent Media Reports that likened detention centres to five-star hotels.

Burning bushes. Black-eyed Virgins. Resurrections. Religious people NEVER make things up.

"Ohhhhh, the Pain!"

Long time Melbourne Cricket Club (MCC) member, the recently dead inter-galactically famous Doctor Zacchary Smith, was today pictured cheering Australia home to VICTORY in the Fourth Test at Melbourne. Fully aware that Australia have traditionally made light work of chasing lowish totals, Dr Smith was surprised to find his characteristic sang-froid rudely upset by the continual clatter of wickets as Australia tentatively approached the last day target of 107.

The Doctor, somewhat agitated at the home side's struggle for runs during the pre-lunch session was at one point asked for his opinion of Matthew Hayden's intemperate dismissal off the first ball of the day. A perturbed Dr Smith replied, "He's a Bubble-Headed Booby".

Fortunately for Dr Smith, my coffee cup and the TV remote control, Australia managed to conquer yet another cricketing Everest and thus register their 33rd victory under Steve Waugh. Waugh has now become the most successful captain in Australian cricket history.

Dr Smith, however, was less congratulatory. When asked for his opinion of Waugh after the captain's erratic batting performances, dubious first innings declaration and charitable offer to ask England to bat again he was quoted as saying; "A Broken-down Has Been".

Thus echoing the thoughts of many an Australian cricket fan.

While I'm on the Sunday

While I'm on the Sunday Fuckin' Age there's a piece today from my favourite sports journo, the previously linked Leaping Larry L. It's a collection of the years best sports quotes. Unfortunately it's not online so here are a few samplers....

First a terrific sledge for morning radio dud Gary Honey from St Kilda ruckman Peter Everitt....

"Gary Honey does that breakfast show with Kevin Bartlett. There's 403 games of football knowledge there. He wouldn't know diddley-shit about football"

Gary Honey, a Silver medallist in the long-jump at the Redless 1984 Olympics was spectacularly unsuitable as a radio talk-back personality. Seemed to me his only talent was for hanging up on callers who disagreed with him. Kevin Bartlet played 403 games for Richmond. As our American friends say: You do the math! Did I say WAS unsuited? My mail is that Honey won't be back next year.
The next comes from Aussie soccer pundit Johnny Warren after the Saudis were flogged 8-1 by Germany at the World Cup....

"Saudi Arabia - A disgrace to their country, to their sport, and to the continent of Asia"

I wasn't aware Johnny had a handle on the bigger picture. Then there's Gary Bloom at the World Phoodboll cup referring to a saucy looking Brazilian fan....

"If she was made of chocolate, she'd eat herself"

Chocolate saucy? Porno-choc? Leapster's Silver Medallist is not strictly a quote, but funny never the less. It's a sign being held up by a fan at WWE Raw....

THE GUY BEHIND ME CAN'T SEE

What Leapster didn't mention was that the guy behind the guy behind the guy with the sign had a sign that read....

I HATE SIGNS

Supoib! However, I was a bit disappointed with Leapster's choice of Gold! Gold! Gold! which was this one from player huckster manager Ron Joseph about the players after their coach, Dennis Pagan, had quit The Kangaroos for the peace and serenity of Optus Oval....

"They're as flat as a shit-carter's hat"

C'mon Leapster, that saying's been around since Adam was a rolling stone boy. On a personal note, my favourite was one I Mentioned Yesterday. It's a cunning part of my plan for Aussie Rules world domination.

UPDATE:

Even in Sydney there's no escaping the inescapable. The Sunday Socialist is the most biased paper in Australia! On Page 3 there's THIS! On page 14 there's THIS! BUT! The only mention of the state government is THIS....

A parliamentary committee has recommended that the links between begging, homelessness, drug use and poverty be investigated, and the government is expected to respond by March.

No criticism at all and blithe acknowledgement of YET ANOTHER enquiry! If Jeff Kennett was still in power there'd be an attribution of blame in BOTH headlines and in EVERY paragraph!

Why the hell do I buy it??? Oh yeah. THIS!

Seems I wasn't the only one onto the Sunday Age's usual Resource Wasting.

HOME BLEAT HOME

It is no surprise that the descendants of the Brits who remained at home in Britain should be more inclined to suck on the teat of the Welfare State.

J.J "Dyn-Ohhh-mite" Ray has a Fair Point about our stay-at-home pals in the Old Dart. Harsh. But fair.

That the British are inherently less promising material for conservatives than are Americans, however, I do not doubt. For hundreds of years the more enterprising and independent Brits have been emigrating to Britain's daughter countries in North America, Australasia and Africa. We now have much evidence (e.g. Lake et al., 2000) that personality is one of the many human traits that are genetically inherited so .

Yep, no doubt about that. In fact as I type this while watching the cricket I can see 2000 enterprising and independant (E&I) Brits singing and chanting and building parasols out of empty plastic beer containers in Bay 13. I can hear one on the rayjo too. Noted E&I bath-dodger, Spanky Roebuck, is waxing lyrical about life downunder.

There are, of course, the salient exceptions. John Farnham comes stomach-churningly to mind. So too the big-toothed, big-haired, testicularly deprived Boi Jois. Jimmy "Fuckin" Barnes anyone? NO THANKS! Jesus, don't scream!

Then there's the fact that every factory I've ever been into has a shooop-steward from Barnsley, Bolton or Burnley. But unfortunately not Barnstoneworth.

So, while I generally subscribe to the fact that your standard cod'n'chips eating, dag-on-the-arse-of-progress Pom tends to stay at home, more than once have they stepped off the 10 pound passage steamer to pollute our airwaves or call a snap strike due to lack of strawberry ice-cream in the canteen.

GABBA GOLD

First, a helpful heads-up to any foreign readers because this post will probably make even less sense than usual. If that's at all possible.

Anyway, it's about Aussie Rules, or Rules Football as you American time-out taking, stopping, starting, helmet wearing, padding protected nancy boys are prone to call it. If it's any help I'll try to assist y'all by stating that ONE GOAL is worth SIX POINTS and ONE BEHIND is worth ONE POINT. However, ONE POINT is often called ONE BEHIND, but conversely, ONE BEHIND is often called ONE POINT. The overall score is kept in POINTS. This amounts to the total value of all GOALS (Six Points) and BEHINDS (One Point) scored. The total is NOT to be referred to as BEHINDS! Unless NO GOALS have been scored. Geographically the BEHINDS, or POINTS, are located on either side of the GOALS which are located at either end of the ground. Which is normal. Get the picture? Good.

What's that your saying?...."If you don't get to the POINT soon I'll kick you in the BEHIND!"

Now you're getting it. Well, here....

I've just watched That Was The Season That Was on the Fox Footy Channel. Yeah, I know. It's the middle of summer. Pathetic! Anyway, I've just seen again this magic exchange from the Sunday (That's a day Steve) Arvo Channel Nine footy team at the Gabba (Short for Wooloongabba, Brisbane's home stadium) earlier this year. The three commentators were Gerard Healy, Dermott Brereton and Dennis "Centimeter Perfect" Commetti.

Gerard Healy - "Dermott, I got a letter the other day from a lady who wanted to know why a behind isn't called a beside."

Dermott Brereton - "Errrrr, good point."

ENCORE! ENCORE!

Amazingly neither Dermott, Gerard or Dennis realized that Dermott had accidentally tripped over a line of rare beauty.

Now, for anyone out there who doesn't understand Aussie Rules, that should be perfectly clear.

Bizarre Article Alert!

Today in The Age (Where else?) English lemon sucking journalist Kevin "Bloody" Mitchell has penned one of the more Ludicrous Whinges ever committed to chip wrapping. In an article accusing the Australian press of unsportsmanlike triumphalism Wilson manages to take a swipe not just at our cricket culture, but our politics as well. I was going to Fisk it but that would require me to eventually reprint the whole thing. No blog in existence would allow me that kind of space. So here's a little taste....

It is the country whose prime minister, with an approval rating of 58 per cent, believes in Santa Claus and George W. Bush but not so fervently in the humane treatment of refugees or the indigenous population.

Remember, it started as an article about cricket. I'm not suggesting we haven't got our fair share of idiotarian journalists, but really, people in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked. To think this bit of gear comes from a journalist in a country where THIS was once a headline....

ACHTUNG FRITZ

That classy piece of work appeared prior to an England soccer international against Germany. It was accompanied by a picture of Paul Gascoigne in a German coal-scuttle helmet. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We must NEVER lose to England in cricket! John Howard must enact a jail term for any Aussie cricket team feeble enough to lose to them.

Update: It's a quarter to six and Tim Lane just mentioned this article on the radio. To the joyous acclaim of the English members of the press gallery.

BATS LEFT, BOWLS RIGHT

Today in The Australian English academic Neil Clark asks why English cricket is so "astonishingly bad" and offers up some reasons as being:

an unholy alliance between right-wing Thatcherites and politically correct loony leftists who dominated the British political landscape at a national and local level for much of the 1980s

Apparently because in trying to rebuild England after the excesses and union craziness of the 70's:

the Thatcher government, ideologically obsessed with cutting public spending regardless of the social cost, directed local education authorities to sell off their sports and playing fields to raise revenue

Also proffered is the contribution of Britain's looney left:

For these political correctness pioneers, all competitive sport was bad because it inevitably led to some people winning and others losing. And that would never do in a world where we should not only start equal but finish equal too, regardless of our particular skills or aptitudes. In council after council where they held control, the loony Left erased all competitive sports from the curriculum, and in doing so deprived millions of largely working-class children of the opportunity of participating in school sports

Sounds a bit like the Cain/Kirner gang. Failure bad. VCE good. No-one fails. But I digress; Clark also cites Tony Blair's government as being culpable:

In the aftermath of the 1997 general election, though, it did look as if sanity would finally prevail. The Labour Party, after all, had made an unequivocal election pledge "to reverse the Tory policy of forced sell-offs of school playing fields".

Promises, promises. Non-core promises, no doubt. Because:

Under New Labour, school playing fields are being sold off at a record rate of one a week. Rather than reversing Tory policy, Blair has accelerated it.

C'mon down Premier John Brumby. Keep up Kennett's good work. Sorry. Digressing again. And finally:

Our politicians, of all political persuasions, certainly have a lot to answer for.

The last comment that attributes blame to a variety of causes makes Peter "Spanky" Roebuck�s comments today seem all the more bitter stupid.

He was asked by Jim Maxwell if he'd read Clark's article and if so whether English cricket's problems really HAD stemmed from Thatcher and looneys. He didn't even have the chance to get to Blair because Spanky didn't give him the chance. Jumping into this lefty riff.:

"Yes of course Thatcher ruined English cricket. In fact she ruined English society as well!."

Thanks for the political vox pop Spanky. Stick to the cricket please. I look forward to a generous concession that Tony Blair's ruining England faster.

Feeling a trifle seedy today

Feeling a trifle seedy today folks? Too many turkeys? Too many ducks? Too much pudding? Too many home-brews? Well then, you'll need to arrange an appointment to see Dr Liver.

On it's own this may

On it's own this may seem like a Pretty Innocuous Statement....

EDIT - I should mention that I got a free ticket to see it from those fine people at Crikey. You gotta love that.

But! Hold on! What's THIS?

Finally, I'm heartened to see that others are joining the crusade to find and punish whoever gave Crikey the story about the evil quite nice councillor and her how-to-vote card scam.

Is Crikey giving out movie tickets in return for "favours"?

The After Grog Blog. Eternally vigilant. Ever honest. Always drunk.

Sixty Minutes - (The Musical?)

Bad News Alert!

"It's been proven that there is definitely an audience for musicals...."

Especially Fiona Scott-Norman and her culturati mates.

Once a staple in Hollywood, musicals have generally been out of favour over the past 30 years.

There's a very good reason for that. They're about as entertaining as re-runs of !

I can't work out if

I can't work out if THIS is a gag or a mis-link. What's a Bomb Alaska look like? This is what a Panettone looks like. Apparently. Make up your own mind. When you work it out please get back to me. I'm puzzled.

Well here I am in

Well here I am in harbour side Siddey, Sydeny, SYDNEY dammit Juan Antonio! Anyway....

Merry Christmas Everyone!

With any luck you'll all get what I know you desire most. A Melbourne Premiership in 2003.

Now I'm off eat a lot and drink too much alcohol.

MUSTANG SILLY

Like wow! Groovy Baybeee! Freakout!

A SIDE OF UNIONS

This post is rated AO. It contains bad words and references to Compulsory Unionism.

I just had a bad late lunch at Sydney's Bourbon & Beefsteak. Fillet Mignon cooked with the heat too low. The vegetables were OK. But it was served in a bowl. This meant that the chips were soaked in steak juice. I don't wanna suck 'em out of a straw. Who the fuck ever decided that steak was better delivered in a fucking bowl? It ain't cereal folks! It ain't soup! It's steak! STEAK! Put it on a fuckin' plate. Gimme the chips as a side! And bring me the fuckin' mustard!

Oh, the point. Ahhh, ummm, that's right....

I was reading The Age and copped an eyeful of Gerard Henderson's Latest Offering about the left and right less left of historical debate in Australia. Plenty of thoughts scampered through the noggin. Right down to Shaw's quote about age, socialism and capitalism. I was working up a blog and had all the pieces more or less in place. Frontal lobe. Backtal lobe. Medulla thingummy. All choc full of ideas and thoughts and synapses and assorted important miscellany. Anyway I've been scooped. But, you know what? It doesn't matter! Slatts is more than up to the task. Way more!

What's more, he's a better writer than me. So go and read his take on the article. It's everything I thought, right down to the Shavian reference.

The only difference would be that I've never been a lefty. Forced to join a militant union, the ETU, when I was 18, I've always had nothing but contempt for so called union heavyweights. Their main concerns as far as I can tell, have always been....

1) The boss is a c**t!

and....

2) Hey C**t! Gimme more money!

Ah well, I guess I've got no spirit, but then again there was no Vietnam in 1980. Just body shirts and Rocky Burnette. NOW I get mad?!?

Anyhoo, GO! Shoo! NOW!

What are you waiting for? Oh yeah, right. HERE it is! It's good. Enjoy.

Hey, all you crooked Florida

Hey, all you crooked Florida Lawyers. Wanna Trip to Australia? Well, this is the way to go about it. And boy! Has this one got the lot! And more! Hell, we'll even throw in a set of steak knives....

Two wanted criminals caught driving the car told police Mr Gersten had lent it to them to go and buy drugs during a session at a crack cocaine house where he had sex with prostitutes and took drugs.

Whores! Crack! Crack-whores! Whoo Hoo!

There was an election at the time for Mr Gersten's position as a commissioner in Dade County.

Local politics? A den of theives. Dade County? Nothing good ever happens there.

Mr Gersten became convinced that the affair was being orchestrated by his political enemies. At their head, he believed, was Janet Reno, then Florida State Attorney and later federal Attorney-General in Bill Clinton's presidential administration.

Federal politics? Big league criminals. All the way up to the "I didn't do it!" President. Jackpot!

And even tacked on the end....

Last year the US House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform said there was evidence to suggest that material which could have exonerated Mr Gersten was ignored or covered up

a sleazy political cover-up. Hot Damn!

So! Calling all Authors. You've never had it so easy. You don't even need to think of a plot. Or details. All you need do is start typing. Now, get to it!

I'm a teacher. I follow

I'm a teacher. I follow Green Bay. THIS must be me. I'm sooooo unworthy.

Prediction Update

Just last week the always, err occasionally, ahh almost never accurate After Grog Blog Picayune predicted a Contraction in the Grocon workforce.

Today. Oh Ohh. What's that Pink Slip in your pay packet?

Does anyone think newspaper people

Does anyone think newspaper people read Blogs? Today The Australian and The Herald Sun have Op-ed pieces echoing the thoughts of many a blogger. Hopefully we'll see an increase in the number of articles getting stuck into opinion criminals like Australia's very own High Preist of La Trobe....

A week ago, Professor Robert Manne accused Windschuttle of plagiarism, alleging unacknowledged borrowings from the US author Robert Edgerton. Unlike the fundamental matters of fact exposed by Windschuttle's own research, the textual similarities pointed to are irrelevant to the facts, interpretation, and general argument of his book. The matter is trivial and the whole thing a malicious diversion. Why would the High Priest of La Trobe do anything so shabby? In his sneer that Windschuttle's business is "corpse minimisation" we find the reason. For Manne is in the rival business of "corpse maximisation", having made a career out of insinuating the holocaust concept wherever it will give him a moral advantage. Smaller numbers weaken his case. Favouring the larger body count, whatever the evidence, is the insidious result of habitually making the heaviest charge in humanity's moral lexicon – the charge of genocide.

The rest of the article's not bad either.

Sharp knife. Sharper wit. Go

Sharp knife. Sharper wit. Go and have your sides sliced.

Coodabeens update: Looks like I

Coodabeens update: Looks like I was on the money again. The phone call I received yesterday morning proved uncannily accurate. However, it turns out that my informed source is just another guy who can read and was probably just looking at Saturday's newspaper.

But! Back at the point. The news is good. Look like the boys have returned to 774. Well, almost. When they left it was 3LO. And what's more they're doing the Sunday night show. Wonder if we'll still get more of Jim At The Gym, BJ the DJ and Stavros The Taxi Driver. The latter being the brilliant creation of a noted greco-ethnic sports reporter on Fox who likes soccer and whose first name rhymes with WC Handy. With any luck they'll bring across from Three-ore, the side-slicing Wayne At The Wantirna.

Sunday night's now locked in. Now. If only they can move Demon Radio to 10:00 pm.

What's going on HERE Parker?

What's going on HERE Parker? Do I have to get a two cent haircut in December?

Just heard The Coodabeen Champions

Just heard The Coodabeen Champions are leaving 3AW. I don't know where they're going, but I hope it's back to the ABC. Those incessant f**kin' ads on Three-ore drive me f**kin' bonkers and ruin any rhythm the Coodabeens might get going. They work waaaay better in the more comatose relaxed environment of the ABC as they don't feel they have to throw to a volley of ads every 6 or 7 minutes. By far their best stuff is when they're casually tooling on about nothing in particular. Obviously they're prevented from doing this within the tightly structured architecture of commercial radio.
However, it seems Tony Leonard is staying at AW to start up some kind of program in the same vein as the Coodabeens. Good! In trying to turn him into some kind of radio wanker personality they've only managed convince me that he's a terrible commentator and a shocking morning host.
Turns out Darren James is spitting chips too. He's done a fair bit of work with the Coodabeens and pairs with Leonard on the morning show. Apparently he knew nothing of their decision to jump ship. He feels betrayed. Good! He's a hack! Even worse than Leonard.
l'm wrapped they're leaving Radio Testosterone and heading (I hope) back to 774. With any luck they'll restart their brilliant Sunday night show.
And losing Leonard shouldn't prove too much of a problem either. After all Simon Whelan is the most important member.
Oh, did I neglect to mention that Leonard is a rabid lefty? Obviously this has absolutely no bearing on my post. Cough.

I've just been reminded. It's

I've just been reminded. It's my birthday. It's nearly over. Quick, send presents.

There may have been a

There may have been a mention of this in the Age. I'm not too sure.

Anyway, Daniel Grollo ought to give Martin Snedden a call....

Dear Mr Snedden

THORNDON CRICKET CLUB - OFFER OF SERVICES

In light of the current industrial action by the members of the New Zealand Cricket Players' Association and apparent stalemate in negotiations between the Association and New Zealand Cricket, I am writing to offer the services of the Thorndon Cricket Club First XI for the upcoming tour by India.
The Thorndon First XI consists of a bunch of drinkers with a cricket problem. However, I believe that our unorthodox playing style (you should see Troy's delivery stride) would be very effective against the Indian players. I am sure that even Sachin Tendulkar would have never seen anything like Anil's infamous "zooter" delivery before.
We would be extremely honoured to wear the silver fern and represent our country at the highest level of the game. Importantly, we would be happy to play without monetary payment however would make a few small requests.
Firstly, it would be absolutely essential that a barbecue be in operation at all times during play. This barbecue must be easily accessible between overs. It would be great if Eva the Bulgarian could be employed to operate it, but she must not burn any of the meat. If she is not able to cook correctly she will be permitted to stand beside the barbecue and do stretches.
Our second request is that the brown liquid that is presently served at the tea break be replaced with another brown liquid - this one is fizzy. In fact, this liquid could also replace all other liquid refreshments served to players. As host nation we would be more than happy to share with the Indian players, as it would certainly enhance our competitiveness as the day progressed.
Our third request is that instead of playing boy band music between overs, the crowd is entertained by a selection of Bogan's compact discs. This music will also ensure the crowd and players exercise their necks regularly. I am sure that if you accepted our offer the fans would not be disappointed.
Our team has Parore-like pin-up boys (Dean and Pat), Cairns-like pornstars (Pieman and Scotty) and even its own Vetorri-like Italian stallion (myself). The English accent that has been missing since the retirement of Roger Twose would return in the form of our very own English all rounder Andy and Dipak would make a comeback in the form of Anil "six-pack" Patel.
Please take as much time as you need to consider our proposal, however I am sure that you will agree that this is an exciting opportunity for New Zealand Cricket to revamp its image and for the New Zealand public to witness some innovative cricket.

Yours Sincerely

Shaun Connolly

Now read the official reply below....

Dear Shaun Thanks for

Dear Shaun

Thanks for your letter of 1 November.

The availability of your members eventually tipped the scale in NZC's favour. The players finally realised that there were others out there who could adequately replace them.

As it turns out, a number of your requirements have been built into the new contract system.

Thanks for your support.

Martin Snedden

Whack! Nice work Marty!

PS: E-mail me if you want a scanned copy of Martin Snedden's official reply.

After yesterday's Bold Prediction I

After yesterday's Bold Prediction I can put down my knife and fork. No chance the CFMEU were getting rolled on This One.

Next prediction: Grocon to Start Sub-Contracting it's projects.

Can you help me? I'm

Can you help me? I'm Lost! Which way to the map section?