After Grog Blog

FUCK! and DOUBLE FUCK!

FUCK!

and

DOUBLE FUCK!

UNION CITY BLUES

Yesterday's Business section of the After Grog Blog Picayune carried an item revealing Impending Bad News on the IR front.

Well it seems we've been upgraded from Impending to Imminent....

Sources close to Saizeriya said there was 'no hope in hell' the Japanese company would go ahead with its $200 million planned investment.

As usual, the Premier offered a vigorous defence of the Government's position....

Mr Bracks' office did not return calls from the Herald Sun.

Doomed I tell you!

Just received this e-mail from

Just received this e-mail from a friend in Perth who recently breezed through Melbourne on the way back from a family hoe down in Ballarat. What to do on a Sunday arvo with two young'uns to entertain? We went to the zoo and of course I had to explain the meaning of every Latin name on the enclosures.

Dear Tee Jesse told his class for news, your explanation of why they called the Gorilla, Gorilla gorilla. Ie, it was so scientific they said it twice. Love Nola

Soon the whole country will be basking in Tony the Teacher's golden aura of enlightenment.

BUNNY BUSINESS

Subsequent to yesterday's Herald Sun item about Santa Not Making It To Croydon, comes this story relating to an escalation of hostilities that now threatens to engulf The Easter Bunny.

It seems that under questioning, Vic Ed employees can't get their stories straight. Yesterday in the Hun....

A worker at St Andrew's kindergarten, in Clifton Hill, said most children would celebrate Christmas at home instead.

But today....

Ms Dupleix said many people could not afford to celebrate Christmas, and not inviting Santa was out of respect for those people as much as it was for minority cultural groups.

Feel chuffed poor people? They respect your right to stay home alone and eat stale white bread.

Liberal leader Robert Doyle attacked the Bracks Government over the Santa boycott, saying it was political correctness gone mad. "I blame the Bracks Government for the demise of institutions like Santa." Mr Doyle said.

Smile Pod offered a strident denial, or rather he didn't....

But Premier Steve Bracks was not to blame, a Government spokeswoman said.

Expect an enquiry to be called.

The Easter Bunny. Mother's Day. Father's Day. As Frazer would say - Doomed!

This will come as a major disappointment to my mate Jim who this year got paid a small fortune for the privilege of wearing a bunny suit and being taunted by pre-schoolers.

What's next? Well The AFL Grand Final of course. It sometimes coincides with Yom Kippur. The Melbourne Cup? That's in Ramadan.

Smile Pod Steve Bracks avoids

Smile Pod Steve Bracks avoids all the dirty work. That job goes to the real Premier, John Brumby. Here he prepares us for some Bad News....

"We've never ... made any public commitments about further investment. We'll compete for those, but at the end of the day they're a global company and they'll look globally at the best site." Mr Brumby said.

Meanwhile Smile Pod says some nice, meaningless things....

"We have (learned) lessons from that and we will move more swiftly on those matters in the future." Mr Bracks said at the time.

Pending an upset, expect an inquiry to be called on Monday.

The Kinder Khristmas Kraziness of

The Kinder Khristmas Kraziness of my very own Nourishing Mother has even reached as far as the Great Republic.

Barrel O' Crackers, who always has a good eye for a story, has blogged the Anti Santa Silliness at the Swinburne Uni of Technology.

It's what you'd expect though. Swinburne's holding hands with the Victorian College of the Arts.

Speaking as a Maths teacher....

Arts + Education = Run For Your Lives!

And what's this nonsense?

Swinburne spokeswoman Jenni Austin said staff had decided that Santa was not appropriate.
"As a university, we have to be sensitive to the views of minority groups." she said.

Isn't Santa a minority group?

Taylor! Keep Eating!

The post below refers to an Age article about Robert Doyle….

All up, Doyle has spent 10 of his 49 years at Geelong College, six as a boarder and four as a teacher. His time as a boarder was clearly the defining period in his life, instilling in him a system of values and shaping his personality.

Boarding School was the defining period in my life too. I’ve now got a cast iron stomach and have never sent back a restaurant meal. No matter how bad. That would be ill mannered. I even managed to get through the uncooked sweet potato affair at The Gruel House on Tuesday night.

Now that’s what I call CHARACTER DEFINING!

Say It Loud! I'm Pilger Proud!

I've done the research and come up with the following startling revelation.

According to The Age....

Before entering parliament at the 1992 election, Doyle spent 15 years as a teacher. After Geelong, he was at Lauriston for three years and Scotch for eight.

And according the The Australian....

He's also a former teacher of mine, back when I was a teenage socialist idiot (at one of Victoria's wealthiest private schools, naturally).
A clue as to how he will perform might be found in his teaching days. In 1981, all the misfits and outsiders at his school – from sports-fixated academic underachievers to dope fiends and sociopathic overachievers – were placed under Doyle's control. Due to an, er, administrative error, I was among them.

So, assuming he wasn't teaching in 1992, from 1984 to 1991 Doyle was at Scotch College. Three years before 1984 he was milking cows at Geelong College.

That means for the years 1981, 1982 and 1983 he was at Lauriston.

So there you have it, Timmy's really a Tammy! Or could this just be another, “Er, administrative error”?

Strangely enough, as I stare at the picture peering over his byline Tim’s starting to look more and more like Carmen Lawrence. Spooky.

SCHTICKET

I like Richard Hinds. If you don't know his shtick you can catch him at the Fairfax Club doing Stand Up Sports Writing. Sometimes he's on; sometimes he's off. In Todays' Age he's on AND off. But mainly on. He's cobbled together a collection of one-liners about why we should enjoy the latest episode of The Ashes.

Botty gags:

Having been a pain in the bum for England, it will be interesting to see how Matthew Hayden copes with one himself

Hat gags:

Will Steve Waugh's Baggy Green Threads hang together until his final Test in Sydney.

Fat gags:

Shane "Skinny" Warne is likely to become the first Australian bowler to take 500 wickets before the end of the series, rivalling his feat on the last Ashes tour, when he became the first Australian bowler to eat 500 pizzas.

Pyjama gags (Remind me. Who was the third WSC team last summer?):

On December 13, the one-day series begins with a day-nighter between Australia and England at the SCG. There, under a shower of beer cups and ice cream cones, you'll gain a true appreciation of Test cricket.

Shipping news gags:

There is considerable pleasure to be taken hearing BBC commentator Jonathan Agnew greet breakfasting English listeners with news of their brave lads' latest disaster.

Footy gags:

Everyone likes to see Collingwood lose - even if it is the latest inclusion in the England squad, Paul Collingwood.

(Richard follows Collingwood.)

All in all, an enjoyable read. However, it does raise an issue that I would certainly write about if I had my own paid column inches.

To whit: why get upset with the Aussies for kicking arse? It's GREAT!

Yet, every time I open a paper I'm confronted with an article whining about the lack of a contest. Les Grande Dames of Aussie cricket writing; Mike Coward, Greg Baum, Malcolm Conn and Robert Craddock keep telling us the game sucks because we've made a habit out of flogging the Bath Dodgers. So what! Spanky Roebuck hopes for a contest too, but he's a Pom so that goes without saying. Does anyone suspect that this is all a front for the paying public? I'll bet that in the press boxes hereabouts the English hacks are copping a hiding.

Remember how it was a few years ago. Todays' so called pundits may long for a contest and fear for the future of the game, but what goes around, comes around. It does! I swear!

When you're on top though - "If you've got 'em down, don't let 'em up."

Agree with Blair about the

Agree with Blair about the Wog Blog. Excellent wog! Errr, Blog.

That fuckin' colour scheme though! Am I alone here? I Hate that fuckin' template! How am I expected to enjoy it from 3 inches away? It's VERY uncomfortable!

ABOUT ARSE

To whit, the following quote appeared on page 20 in yesterdays' Herald Sun

"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."

Ogden Nash

Pretty obvious I suppose. Can't remember the last time I saw Rupert Murdoch digging a ditch.

Anyway, one of the chaps decided to read the quote out for the amusement of the staff room table. Much chucklement ensued. And also the following (serious!) comment.

"Yeah! Fair enough! Why should a garbo who cleans the streets of disease get less money than someone who just moves money around?�

To which I replied.

"Yeah! Right on Brother! Rich bad! Poor good! YOU wanna get paid the same as a garbo too? Then YOU can leave the wheely-bin in the middle of the street."

Chorus.

"Shut up! Yeah, shut up! Looking forward to Saturday! Blah! Blah! Xarble! Sloommbut! Rhubarb! Earache! Fascist! Liberal voter!"

Yes indeed! Note to self. Think First. Speak Next.

Think First. Speak Next.

Think First. Speak Next.

Thenk Feast. Spak Fest.

Spank Fist. Tank Nest.

Speak First. Think Next.

I'd better remember that nime text.

DROLL MODEL

During todays' lunch break in the cricket Ashley Mallett was giving a spot of coaching to an Under 17 hopeful:

"Just reach high and chuck it up there like Muralitharan"

Hee hee, and don't forget to bend your arm.

ALL THAT GAZZ

I always thought Gary Moorcroft was a scrubby, talentless, freckle-head.

I never realised he was such a great player. Go Gazza!

Warning! This Post Contains Bad Language!

Gameboy Adam is an optimist.

Anyway, we're just six days from the election and Centrebet now has Doyle at $9. Oh dear, is it too late to change what I said once about Centrebet being the all-knowing oracle of what was going to happen in the world? No, fuck it - we're still going to win!!! You heard it here first.

Nope. Sorry Adam. It ain’t gonna happen. All along I’ve been hoping for a revival, but Dean put paid to that. The Labor campaign is hitting all the right buttons. I just saw the Labor ad on telly highlighting that fiasco when suddenly it hit me like a sledgehammer.

We’re gonna get righteously butt fucked! The bad guys are gonna win again. Four more years of darkness.

Kennett’s sloppy electioneering last time round has a lot to answer for. What a fuckin’ time to hand over incumbency. I can see Labor in power for the next ten years. At least.

And they’re set to gain control of the upper house. Imagine if those cranks are let off the leash.

Cry fuckin’ havoc!

Social engineering sound familiar Adam?

Free smack. Union craziness. Free paint for street kids. ONE shower per suburb. Free hookers. Company closures. No jobs.

Candy Broad, Peter Batchelor, Cheryl Garbutt, Mary Delahunty, Christine Campbell, Rob Hulls, Andre Hayermeyer.

Jesus fuckin’ Christ on a cross!

Our taxes pay for these disgusting, loathsome, woeful, pathetic, pedestrian, whining, low-level under-achieving hypocrites. The knowledge that I’ll have to put up with their shit eating grins on election night fills me with unutterable dread. How dare they accept my taxes when all they do is ride along on Steve Bracks smile and John Brumby’s’ scheming. How dare they accept credit for anything at all when the only thing they’ve done is build on Kennett’s’ good work. All the while telling us what a monster he was. And the BRAINDEAD FUCKIN PUBLIC swallow it! Aaarrgggg!

I want to turn this into a gigantic rant but I’m so angry at the…..bugger it!

Watch them ruin my life!

60 Seats to Labor! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Conrad Relishes Conflict. He main-lines

Conrad Relishes Conflict. He main-lines dispute. Craves disagreement. Likes trouble.

Hey! He must be a Lawyer.

Oh yeah, right.

"I never intended to grow up to be an asshole. Nevertheless, it seems it happened."

Of course he is. Stereotyping? A VERY hard working teacher sympathises.

It’s probably too easy. Why

It’s probably too easy. Why bother? What the hell. They deserve it!

Cue Nelson Muntz....Ha Ha

Carlton's new president, Ian Collins, shaken and angered by the severe punishment, said the club was "on the brink"

Hee Hee.

"A fine of this magnitude would push any club to the brink. The penalties don't fit the crime."

Haw Haw.

"This is a bloody-minded decision and relationships between the AFL and Carlton are strained, to say the least."

Ho Ho.

"There is very little incentive for Carlton in 2003 and we are concerned what this will do to our financial strength and playing strength, and whether during the year we will be able to field a side."

Boo Hoo. I wasn’t aware they fielded a side THIS year.

Collins has worked at Caaarlton, The AFL, Colonial Stadium and now back at Caaarlton. At each posting he’s been party to many, many questionable decisions and as he’s said before….

”What comes around, goes around.”

Too true.

What has Jack Elliot said?

"We're the best club in the history of the competition."

"St Kilda? Why would you join THAT rabble?"

"Footscray have a tragic history."

"Essendon cheated to win the 1993 Premiership."

"We don’t rebuild at Caaarlton."

They better start now.

NB: The author of this post has occasionally every year, been a Redleg Member of the Melbourne Football Club. A fine upstanding organisation who once, due to circumstances out of their hands, accidentally found themselves in the unfortunate position of overlapping the Salary Cap.

I often wonder what other

I often wonder what other Bloggers are like in person. Short? Tall? Fat? Thin? Chalk? Cheese? Well, I found out. I met Angry Anderson! No, not cartoon covered Rawk'n'Roller Angry Anderson. To my knowledge he’s not a Blogger.

I'm talking here about fellow Melbourne Ozblogger and decent right wing chap Angry Anderson. This Angry has no tattoos and a full head of hair. Or a very very VERY convincing rug.

Happily I can report that he's as excellent in Real-time as he is On-blog. He has some faults though. I’m sure he won’t mind me pointing them out in public.

He follows Caaaarlton. This is bad. They cheat. I did, however, manage to show remarkable restraint of gloat.

He comes from Adelaide. Also bad. However, as he never once tried to Cut off my head and stick it in a vat of Acid I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

And oddly enough for a South Aussie, he had his L's intact. For all of you unfamiliar with Aussie regional accents, South Aussies usually sound a bit like Elmer Fudd.

Minor quibbles though. All in all an excellent evening. Fish & Chips were eaten. Beer was drunk. Angry left with a fine looking lady. I went home in a taxi.

Catch it on your ABC.

Catch it on your ABC.

Two Fat Chicks.

Thanks for the tip Aaron.

NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED

Ing-ger-laaand just lost 7 for 46 to be all out for 341.

Ear muffs on kiddies! Collingwood

Ear muffs on kiddies! Collingwood Slattery points us to a Colourful Spleening

Hey Dude! That's My Car!

Supersmart science geek Aaron has a Picture of my Car. That's the one there. Look! The little silver number behind the yellow car behind the beehive. I'm sure it's mine. I could be mistaken. I'm on my way to the Pumphouse to kick arse at Tuesday night Trivia.

On second thoughts, what's a beehive got to do with measuring temperature? Or the funny looking rubbish bins? And as for the toolbox? C'mon Aaron. Now you're stretching it. Do screwdrivers measure Fahrenheit or Centigrade? And what the hell does the big E measure?

Sigh. So many questions.

Seminole? It's American for Jackpot.

Country cousin Cracker is struggling with the Impending Litigious Conundrum (Not to mention political) that may arise when big city law firms start to connect gambling with Indians.

They shouldn't bother. Cracker reveals a much bigger pay-off than Big Bingo.

How so? Indians and junk food of course. They invented potato chips. They Did! I swear! (A lot)

Therefore, I suggest we give up on trying to ping Casino Tonto for stinging a gullible public. You play. You lose. Bad luck. Idiot tax.

Time to go for the mother lode. There has to be a packet in Fatsploitation!

Let's stick it to Big Fat! Everyone eats, so let's mount a case against Indians for cruelty to arteries.

Time to get well!

NB: I meant to post this yesterday but Blogger was toying with my head.

TRAGIC

Gareth Parker alerts us to a Brand New Cricket Blog.

Personally I've been meaning to blog more about the great game but somehow always end up out drinking. A guy's gotta have priorities.

Anyhoo, I love reading about cricket so welcome to the Blogget pitch Tragic. No doubt it won�t be long before you take Tony Grig's head off with a Boon Bat ($500 Unframed).

I must point out, however, that Griggy is from Sarth Efrika, not Seeth Efrika.

Sixty Fuckin' Minutes

This One was NEVER going to go unmentioned.

An enthusiastic Melbourne letter writer Mentioned It.

A Sydney journalist Mentioned It.

A Perth resident with a big chemistry set Mentioned It.

And, errrr, I'm mentioning it.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading Alan Wood machine-gun Peter Green in todays' Oz. I usually don’t take any notice of Garrett (Midnight Oil suck too) but it was revealing to find out what a pinhead he is....

”In short, all problems are solvable, just have faith”

Sounds more like a toilet-trading George Michael. Maybe there is some haphazard logic in the green cause? I now eat tuna free dolphin. Overall though, it’s amazing what a monstrous exaggeration it’s all become.

Unfortunately, Alan Wood, in exposing this genetically modified canard inadvertently admitted to a far greater sin than being green.

Yep. You guessed it. What the hell was he doing watching ?!?

There's a new scribe nailing

There's a new scribe nailing up his shingle here in ole Blogtown. Welcome to Nevertheless. Despite the fact he's got Tube loitering friends named Carrot (Julien?) and Snookie, this town's big enough for everyone. I've got no idea what he's going to write about, but it appears we occupy the same intellectual high ground....

"I will no doubt from time to time be overtly cynical, unfairly critical, and grossly inaccurate...."

Hey! Just like me. And what do his friends think of his ideas?

"A website to air your fatuous, beery, nicotine-hazed opinions.

Uncanny!

And I'm sure Stephen won't dodge the deeply philosophical "issues du jour"....

"If Plato is a dog, what kind of animal is Goofy?

I say he's a horse.

On The Couch this morning

On The Couch this morning Jill Singer failed to make any sense at all. Nothing new there, of course. She was, however, the cause of this little exchange at Richmond Mansions....

Tony: "Jesus! Jill's shrill today."
Bernice: "I didn't realise it was Jill until I heard her being shrill."
Tony: "Jill's often shrill."
Bernice: "Jill's a dill."

Say no more!

Greatest Picture Ever?

"What choo talkin' 'bout Kitt?"

Sunday Age

Today in the (Sorry, no link) Michelle Grattan tried to pump prime the Robert Dean issue. C'mon Michelle, in case you hadn't noticed the VEC gave him the flick.

He's not there anymore!

If the affair had been just a stuff-up that would have been one thing. If misrepresentation was involved, it is another matter....

I take it you mean misrepresentation by Robert Dean? The guy who got the sack? The guy who's not there anymore? The guy who no one will have to vote for? The private citizen?

That distinction, however, isn't something Robert Doyle wants to focus on.

Well, der.

Indeed he did not seem interested in such niceties when interviewed by The Sunday Age. Quizzed whether Dean had lived in the house, Doyle said he hadn't asked him. "Why would I? I mean, what would be the point of that?"

Exactly.

If it was suddenly disclosed that your right-hand man might not have been a fool but possibly in breach of the law, wouldn't your instincts be to question him?

Presumably he DID ask him the following….

Doyle - "Deano, did you stuff up?"
Dean - "Yep."
Doyle - "Bugger. You're sacked then!"

Not much more to ask is there?

The Liberals explain thus: they’ve asked the electoral commission to investigate and Dean is no longer in the parliamentary party.

Good work by the Libs. Please Michelle, enlighten me as to why this may be a bad thing.

John Howard, who used to like to lecture about standards, dismisses the affair as “yesterdays’ story”.

Sorry Michelle? Don’t spin off into a pop at the PM. Dean broke the standards and the VEC and Doyle sacked him. Due process, duly followed. You should be cheering.

Warning!

This post contains Irony! (And traces of Schadenfreud.)

Well, it just keeps getting Better!

Ian Collins declined to comment last night on any aspect of the AFL investigations.

I'll bet he did.

Back in 1999 Melbourne accidentally found themselves over the salary cap and it was none other than AFL Operations Manager Ian Collins who arbitrarily donated the Demons No.4 pick in the national draft to perennial problem child Fremantle as a repayment for their losing Jeff White to Melbourne.

BUT, who caused the Demons to be over the salary cap? Freo. That's who.

On entering the AFL at the end of 1994 they threw large incentives at, among other Melbourne players, David Schwarz, David Nietz, Steven Tingay and Gary Lyon. Melbourne in turn had to overlap the salary cap in order to hang on to these stars. Subsequently, Schwarz, Tingay and Lyon all incurred long term injuries in the 1995 pre-season and virtually had their careers ended. If Melbourne had let them go they'd probably have been better off.

The AFL has since distanced itself from this move with the blithe admission that it was the wrong thing to do.

However, why would the AFL do such a bizarre thing as to admit fault?

It's probably NOTHING AT ALL to do with the fact that when Melbourne player Jeff Farmer went to the Dockers at the end of last year Fremantle were cheating the salary cap and the AFL didn't want to strip struggling Freo of a draft pick. Apropos to that, let's not forget that it was from Freo that Melbourne initially picked up Farmer in return for low rent plodder Phil Gilbert.

So if Ian Collins is to become the target of some heavy duty book throwing then I say to the Demetrius & The Jacko; "What are you waiting for? Get on with it! Just make sure they're big books.

Disclaimer: Tony the Teacher is definitely, maybe, almost possibly not even at all, a member of the Melbourne Football Club.

STAND

Finally I remembered. Time for a NEW Record of the Week.

Here's a Review. It's enthusiastic but stupid.

"Sly in my opinion could be a motivational speaker, and this song can motivate anyone to get through life in general."

Obviously the reviewer doesn't realise that Sly long ago teamed up with Sid Barrett and Roky Erickson.

Here's Another Review. Pretty solid, but I don't know who they're trying to kid by leaving out There's A Riot Goin On. Here's something on Riot.

Here's another, more succinct, review of Stand - Tony the Teacher, who ultimately prefers it to Riot, says....

"A stone groove classic from Crazy Sylvester. Buy it!"

That's an order!