After Grog Blog

SHIRT LIFTER

James Woods is famous for "Living the Part". Seems Winona Ryder thinks that's a good idea.
To prepare for yet another role as a pathetic loser, she deemed it a good idea to Steal things and get Caught.

When confronted, Mr Evans said, Ms Ryder took his hand and politely apologised. "She just said she was doing what her director told her to do in preparation for her role as a shoplifter," Mr Evans told the court. She did not specify the role or name the director.

Obviously a fair judge would hope to assist her career by allowing her to "Live the Part" in San Quentin.

Recently Ryder appeared alongside serial mugger, Adam Sandler, in a remake of Frank Capras' and also alongside Richard Gere in a film being marketed as an instant cure for constipation, Autumn In New York.

Apropos to that ...

In a breaking development the prosecution will allege crimes against humanity and ask for an extension of sentence.

SAVAGE TONY

Tony has a good friend who happens to be a member of the contradictory gender and who recently started a Blog here in Melbourne. Due to the fact that she's a player in our artistic community, she asked not to be mentioned by a nasty Blogista like me or any like-minded right-wing trouble makers.

It seems that any sentiments she may share with are liable to be deemed unfit for polite modern society and thus unworthy of a proper thinking inhabitant of Artland and it's Provinces. The resultant punishment would see her cruelly exiled to the hideous Island of Non-Conformers. The one the rest of us call the Real World.
So, for anonymitys' sake, I'll henceforth refer to her as Bernice Marx.

Anyhoo, in a roundabout way that brings me to the admission that I stole this excellent link from Bernice.

Stupid People and Child Abuse

I've suggested to my sister that she name her little girl to be - Manchester. She's not sure about it but she's considering. What do you think?

Clever. Like being named Pittsburg or Schenectady. Kid'll grow up to be beaten to death by Liverpool fans.

Just like the brilliant TV show Ripping Yarns. In the episode Golden Gordon, Michael Palin plays a soccer nut called Gordon Ottershaw who barracks for a team called Barnstoneworth United.

At one stage he's sitting at the kitchen table testing his son on the Yorkshire Premier League team of 1921.

Meanwhile his wife is trying to tell him that she's....

"Goin' t'ave a bear-bee"

and complaining about how he'd named their only son Barnstoneworth.

Her - "What sort of a name's Barnstoneworth anyway?"

Him - "He's got a noother nairm yuh know"

Her - "UNITED!!"

Champagne comedy! Who says art doesn't imitate life.

YESTERDAY MORROW

Nice work by James Morrow on yesterdays' Quote Orgy from Paddington Adams.

"Military glory - the attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood." - President Abraham Lincoln.

One suspects Tubby's never got over the shock of discovering Honest Abe was actually a, big gasp ... Republican.

WATERGATE

Here's some truth....

There've been gripes a'plenty over the 1972 result. Most of them along the lines of Nixon gaining an unfair advantage as a result of his bugging the Dems operational HQ. However anyone trying to mount a case for McGovern conveniently ignores the unpalatable truth about McGovern and offsider number two, Sargent Shriver. He'd have done better if he'd picked Seargent Rock as a running mate. It would have put more backbone in the campaign. Of course his lame tilt is easily nudged aside in light of Mitchell, Colson, Dean and the happy bunch in the Oval Office.

Apparently the 1983 re-election of Maggie Thatcher was built on a surge of popularity started by The Falklands War. Forget the moribund 70's. You know, the decade where the UK became the basket case of Europe. High inflation AND high unemployment. That's not that easy to achieve. Strikes, blackouts, total union madness.

Ahhh, remember the good old days comrade?

If the brouhaha in the Malvinas was such an electoral boon, how come the Tories didn't seek any mileage out of it during the run-up to the campaign? And even then it was barely mentioned. Still it's as good a reason as any to accuse The Tories of cheating to win government. Forget the fact that the Conservatives won by more than 140 seats.

Wuz we robbed? I think not comrade.

Naturally our very own sunburnt country features. 1975 in Australia gave us Whitlam, Fraser and Kerr. The fact that the ALP was given the rounds of the kitchen can be ignored and so can the fact that it was a completely incompetent government. The true believers have been hanging their hat on the Dismissal for 27 years now. Get over it brothers.

Let's toss in the 1968 Presidentials shall we. The Democratic campaign was a shambles.

Humphrey didn't seem to stand for anything except continued involvement in Vietnam. In Chicago anti war protesters necessitated the calling of the National Guard. The stink bombs in the Hilton neatly juxtaposed against tear gas in the street. Not the sort of message you need to give to the voters at the start of a campaign.

Naturally, it's much easier, with 20/20 hindsight, to blame Nixon for doing deals with the South Vietnamese AND Ziggy Brzezinski regarding de-escalation talks.

Then there's The Gorebot 2000 and his duly appointed whingers over the Sunshine State chads? How about a recount Al? No not Florida 2000, but Illinois 1960? Balance is good.

(Part Three lives even further down)

CERTAIN MARITIME AFFAIR

All that having been said, I wonder how last year's federal election will be viewed by tomorrow's histocrats. A comprehensive result reflecting the wishes of an electorate dubious of the intentions of the Left? Don't hold your breath. We're in for a few years yet of high dudgeon from those who would maintain once again, "we wuz robbed".

Unfortunately this impression will be given legs by a Senate sanctioned inquiry (along party lines) of breathtaking extravagance. But, where's it got 'em?

By my estimation, absolutely nowhere!

Well, the results are just in and what have we got? A slap on the wrist for the defence forces and a slash at ex defence minister Peter Reith. That's EX defence minister. According, once again to Megan Saunders in yesterday's OZ.

"It is a permanent stain on the Coalition's third term election win."

Of course it will be. Those on the losers side will keep it alive in much the same way the Collingwood fans keep wailing about the Wayne Harmes knock back in the 1979 Grand final.

Apparently the Certain Maritime Affair, is

"a crisis that has undermined public confidence in politicians."

Exactly when did the population have confidence in their politicians? We always expect them to finagle the facts. That's what they do. In this particular case they jumped on some favourable news and were slow to react to some adverse information. So what? Would have Labor done any different? I think not.

And would it have made any difference? Hmmm, let's see ...

The ALP was dead in the water about July. A month before Tampa. There was consistent polling, even from Gary Morgan, that showed the Coalition on level terms with Labor and getting stronger. And that's after one horrendous motherfucker of a 12 months!

Let's face it folks. Uncle Buck Beasley was not a serious player in the eyes of the electorate. As long as Howard could hold his ground he was in business. All Tampa and 9/11 did was present Labor with a rout. In the end they sided with the Coalition to prevent that rout.

So get over it brothers & sisters. Or maybe don't! See how far you travel if you start whining about come 2004.

EVERYONE OVERBOARD

Fuck me! Ain't that always the way. Permit me to paint the picture. It looks something like this....

Jim Maxwell's behind the microphone, Kerry O'Keefe's providing the special chuckles....

Jim - "Well my stint's up and I'll leave you with Kerry O'Keefe as Tim Lane joins him in the box"

Kerry - "Thanks Jim. G'day Tim."

Cue Mutley laugh.

Tim - "Afternoon Kerry. Well, Hayden's batting beautifully, looks like he's set for another fine century. In comes Gough ... he's bowled him!"

Hmmm, once again, Tim spoke too soon. And guess what, So did I.

Yep, no sooner had I praised The Oz for getting their act together than they're releasing whiney Triple J style reporters into their Articackles....

"The inquiry into the debacle ... "

Debacle?

What's wrong with AFFAIR? Why debacle?

From where I'm standing the only debacle was the Labor/Democraps/Groins witch hunt. They're the ones who've kicked up a stink over.

What?!? I hear the sane amongst us ask. Just the children? What about the rest of 'em? Don't stop at the youngsters. The FOLKS scuttled the boat. They threw EVERYONE overboard! Not just the kiddies. How about reporting THAT!

Hang on a tick! There's a real DEBACLE here! The piss poor coverage. How's this for a headline?

Journalists Mislead Public for Story's Sake

BROWNED OFF

Ashley Browne's got a Major Scoop over at AFL.com.

"Campbell Brown replaced Bernard Saundry at the Western Bulldogs..."

This is bound to surprise Hawthorn and The Bullies.

And prospective CEO Campbell Rose!

TURDS

Well, well, well. The National Union of Students is blaming evil Anti-christ John Howard for the Shootings at Monash University.

This standard NUS nonsense has given us ANOTHER Angry Anderson....

"Dickheads."

I'll second that.

So will Paul Wright. I'll sum up his sentiments....

"Dickheads."

I wrote it, I may as well second it too.

Slatts also wants a piece of you low class turds. To conclude....

"Dickheads."

And that.

Yes. The NUS. As ridiculous a bunch of squealing dweebs as ever strode the hallowed halls of academia. And that's saying something.

You screech and squawk and wail and rail about how you can't afford to study. Well get a bloody job until you can. You selfish scum!

C'mon, own up. That's what it's all about isn't it?

"....their disgusting policies which are destroying lives of university students, lumping them with massive debt and forcing students to work two, sometimes three, part-time jobs...."

You just want more moolah don't you? You honestly think I want my taxes to subsidise your fun and games? Get real! It's my fuckin' money! If I'm going to be handing over my hard earned cows to the Government I want it to pay for important things like health, police, infrastructure and ministerial junkets.

I certainly don't want it being spent on trashing the Deans' office, road trips to Woomera with your smelly socialist mates, piss throwing competitions at The Melbourne Casino and pathetic press releases like this latest absurd stunt.

And how genuine are your goals anyway? As Zero Mostel said in The Front....

"Communist? I'm not a communist! I just joined the protest to get laid."

Sound familiar comrades?

As far as I can tell you wankers only have one goal. Have as much fun as possible and make someone else pay for it.

To quote Sidney Poitier in the otherwise appalling film, A Piece Of The Action....

"You gotta earn it. You don't get sumthin for nuthin"

If it was up to me you greedy little fucks would get absolutely nuthin'.

SLADEST

I have a very great friend who, for the sake of anonymity, I'll call Slade Burnett. Incidentally, he's not at all even closely related to another fine friend whose name is Slade Burnet. (One T)

Anyway Slade had decided he wasn't going to buy The Australian any more.

According to him The Oz, in running a concerted campaign in favour of the republic, had shifted dramatically to the Left.

Whilst I agreed with him that The Australian's handling of the republic issue appeared to be skewed in favour of a Crown free sunburnt country, I wasn't convinced that this accurately reflected any left leanings at the national biggy.

This is not to say that the paper was/is completely devoid of any Left wing opinions.

Idiotarian cartoonist and Ralph Steadman mimic Bill Leak can always be counted upon to splatter his quadrangle with leftist sentiments, ink blobs and other vague shapes.

And as we've all become nasally aware, the Weekend Australian continues to smear the noxious oozings of the Gastropod across it's back page, but more and more am I convinced that this vile mollusc's ludicrous rantings are an advantage to the Right.

On the other hand I do agree with Slade that it was almost unreadable. I believed that this, however, was as a result of it becoming so bloody boring.

It seemed to me that when there was a whacking to be done The Oz wasn't prepared to step up to the plate and whack the whackees out of the park.

Was this just a reflection of a couple of boring years? Possibly.

A bizarre circulation decision to sell TWO less papers? It worked.

Anyhoo, things seem to be back on track lately.

Greg Sheridan recently swiped Arab apologist and manky Scotch git, George Galloway's medication.

Tim Blair upset Bob Ellis.

Janet Albrechtsen spanked David Marr.

Mark Steyn spanked Margo Kingston, Bruce Haigh and inflatable punching clown, Robert Fisk.

Goody Shanahan spanked Peter Carnley. Clerical tradition dictates Carnley enjoy it.

Maybe the Tampa incident, the Twin Towers attack, last year's Federal Election result and now the Bali murders have left the shrill bleatings of our pink tinged brethren sounding even more idiotic and thus irresistible as targets of ridicule.

Whichever way you look at it, The Australian has now risen to the occasion and regularly delivers Idiotarians of all shapes and sizes a thorough spanking.

The Age however, keeps publishing articles by oxygen thieves such as this Relevance Deprived Culture Whore. What is wrong with that paper?!?

IMAGINE

I just had to link to that bull-moose letter writer Ando In Carlton. His Blog today was a comprehensive takedown of Fat Adams playing "Imagine".

Trust Phil to evoke the Hippy Lunatic sentiments of a long time favourite of the aged and feeble.

HORSE SENSELESS

Well, the season's over and here in Footy Central that means only one thing, Spring Carnival. For those of you from Somewhere-Not-Here who may accidentally stumble across this Blog that doesn't mean we're being treated to the sight of pale skinned virgins brandishing ripened bananas as they gambol joyously around a blossoming Wattle tree.

Nope, it's the big time horseracing season. Cups galore. The Caulfield Cup. The Melbourne Cup. The Cox Plate Cup.

Gee Gee news is everywhere. The papers are full of it.

Magical Miss Misses Out. What's new?

Godolphin Waits For A Beekeeper. Who knows why?

Lonrho Beats Bondcorp. Oops, that's not horse racing.

It all sounds just tooo exciting darrrrling. As I type I can hear the Fagin like chuckling of a thousand greedy hat designers as excited Toorak matrons warm up their Range Rovers prior to purchasing a brand new, and simply ravishing, chapeau. This latest in haute couture will in fact be a KFC family size bucket of chicken fetchingly embossed with Victoria Bitter cans and green fly-wire all held in place by sharpened chopsticks.

By now you may have gathered that I'm not too fond of the Sport of Kings. I can't stand horseracing. Why is a long story and is probably well worth another Blog, but it's most salient sin is that it signifies that footy's over and the cricket hasn't started yet.

That and the fact that I never win anything.

Of course that's about to change. Slatts has the Good Oil.

So now I'm off to the Lucky Shop and then lunch at The Royal. A rare steak that's only had a fleeting acquaintance with an electric fence should do the trick. I'll wash it down with a hearty red. Pirramimma Cab Sav 1999 sounds just the ticket.

GNOC GNOC

The Weekly Ken James? The Naked James?

What's a good name for James Morrow's Friday Ray-Seep?

I'm sure in the future James will present us with some epicurean masterpieces, BUT today he's going to whip us up some Gnocci.

Gnocchi. Gnocchi. Just take a moment to say it to yourself.

Nokki. Notchy. Guhh-nokky. Nar-yokky. Yucky.

There! Told you so. It even sounds disgusting? Onomatopoeia sounds tastier by comparison. Even without olives.

Which notable Italian do we blame for this ghastly concoction?

A portly combination of flour, eggs, potatoes, cheese, paper, porridge and pocket lint moulded into gluggy little balls. Each one with the consistency of a curled up dead slug.

Finally this tasty little offering is usually garnished with a few leaves from a tree in the beergarden.

No offence James. I just don't like Gnocchi.

From Consuming Obsessions. Bon Apetteeeet.

LIDDY UP

Well wrap me in barbed wire and play me Macca! The ABC never fails to surprise. Cough.

Driving home from work today I happened across Saint Virginia of Trioli. She was talking to some guy about gun control in the States. At first I thought it was Chuck Heston. Then I remembered he's got Old-Timers Disease and probably thinks Australia is a brand of beer and anyway, I'd heard nothing about him lobbing here.

Then she asked the mystery guest about Deep Throat. Porn? Nah, couldn't be.

About now, fast thinker me, I realised it was none other than G.Gordon Liddy. Watergate scape-goat and internationally renowned ubershockjock. It's hard to know for which he's more famous.

The answers he gave her were guaranteed to deposit a layer of shit flavoured powder on every Double Decaf Soy Latte in Brunswick Street.

"Gun control! Pah! Crime's gone down over in the US. This is because more criminals are killed with privately owned guns than by cops."

"We passed a law allowing concealed weapons and violent crime went down."

"Deep Throat. He was made up as a gimmick to sell a book."

Then Virginia asked him about the hardships of being in the army vis-a-vis unhappy Gulf War vets.

"They volunteered. It's their job."

She asked him if he knew any unhappy soldiers.

"No I don't. My oldest son is a Navy Seal Commander and my youngest is a Major in the Marines. They're not unhappy. They're eager."

Eager. Yes. Love your work Gordo. Give your boys my best and tell them to take an eye for every eye we've had viciously taken. And more!

Virginia kept asking all her questions in that accusative and patronising way ABC folks are trained to when interrogating known felons. Read vocal right-wingers.

With every response you could almost hear her intake of breath. She never really argued the point though. Strangely enough she kept telling him that they would have to agree to disagree.

She never gave a reason why.

THE MORNING AFTER

Know just how you feel Tex.

"I swear to christ, if one stupid Pilger-loving peacenick cunt at work tomorrow tells me how this is all our fault and has nothing to do with Islam ... "

It didn't take long. Mind you I didn't expect it to be the very first thing I heard this morning in the Common Room. Yes. That's right. Common Room. School. Where else?

"Morning Tony. Howard had to open his fuckin' mouth didn't he? Now look what's happened."

"Morning Dickhead. Fuck off!"

Hell of a way to start the day.

PAKISTANK

Pakistan get the Mother of all Floggings.

Says captain Waqar Younis:

"We played some poor cricket in the last two days."

In an eerie coincidence, they played some poor cricket on the first two days, which just happened to be the same two days.

EEELITE

Slatts asks....

I wonder whether Margo or Phatty Adams will be the first to raise this conspiracy theory: "If you wanted to get Australians onside, convince them the Ahrabs have attacked their footballers''?

I'll have a piece of that action. Might see if his mate Mick Manley is framing the odds.

A Box Trifecta that includes Phat Philly, Mad Margo, Flip-Flop Frase, Sooo Tired Ellis and Bobby The Bad Manne sounds like a pretty safe bet.

I'm so stupid. How could I forget this Old Nag pastured at the Latrobe Glue Factory.

DAG NAB IT

Looks like I'm in trouble now.

HBD

Hot Buttered Death Writes a lot of stuff.

He also Reads a lot of stuff.

" ...I've since read William Shirer's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich (all 1400-odd pages of it) ..."

It's a weighty tome. I use it to keep my back door open.

Sometimes he Posts Pictures.

Not bad at all.

Maybe H.B.Death isn't such a count after all.

ABE WATCH

Go to Abe Watch.

"Who would copy such boring writing"

Then go to The Swamp.

"No doubt it's just a coincidence. Otherwise, if it was plagiarism, we would have heard about it by now on Media Week."

Together they put a Word Criminal to the sword.

They certainly do a better job than I ever could. Because he's so boring I never get far enough into his articles to spot that he's ripping someone off.

As for my own scythe-like observations....

"Answer's obvious you dopy beast. Who would copy such boring writing."

How come Copy and Dopy don't rhyme?

RANTS PANTS

Rachel's been stuck for some Good Material ...

"I could sit here trying to think of something to rant about, and possibly come up with something lame ..."

She's lucky, at least she gets hate mail from Bath Dodgers ...

"I cannot possibly believe that you are such a selfish and naive person"

Too Easy! Lucky girl.

ALL THAT TAZ

The brouhaha happened at The Rising Sun Hotel on the corner of Burnley & Swan Streets in Richmond at about 3:00pm.

Allegedly.

BUCK'S NIGHT

Slatts has an ear to the ground at McHale Stadium. Where there's Smoke:

Apparently at a private gathering late on Saturday night (after much drinking), Nathan Buckley had an altercation with Chris Tarrant.

there's a sausage sizzling somewhere.

However, fire hose in hand, the:

Complete and utter garbage. Repeat ... Complete and utter garbage.

There's no water coming out.

We shall see. Repeat, we shall see.

DOX MANIAC

This really is an excedingly clever poly-bunyist...

"If the Professor came home from the Cooler-Bar with some drunken doxie twiddling his tail and suggested all three of us do some multicultural mattress testing ..."

More power to bunyips.

PSSST. BUDDY.

Wanna buy a car? You do! Well then, fill your boots and try to work out what's wrong with the following. This courtesy of Victorian Minister for Something or Other, Rob Hulls ...

"Over the past two decades, the industry has transformed itself from a domestic industry sheltered by 55 percent tariffs into a lean, innovative, globally focused sector that's set to export over $5 billion in vehicles and components to Asia, America, Europe and the Middle East this year alone"

According to Bobby a further reduction in tariffs is bad. I seeeeeeee, umm, errr, uhhhh ... 1 + 1 = Cheese Spread. I'd link to this in today's Hun, but you'd have to pony up the cows. Even for a Bobby Hulls article. Go figure!

MANNE HANDLED

Along with receiving hate-mail, Tex also enjoys Stickin' it to The Manne.

I think Advanced Manne Mocking should be introduced into school curricula.

I'm not holding my breath.

MAGPIE MADNESS

Magpie Madness. Grand Final week. Had to flee. Went to Sinney.

Give or take the odd good article about Proper Footy, what better way to escape all the pre-game nonsense, than to bask in the complete ignorance of the Dully Telegraph and wallow amongst the insane opinions that smear the pages of the Stupid Morning Herald.

A free health tip. Don't wrap your fish'n'chips in the latter's letters (Say that quickly with a mouth full of Saladas) page.

Numerous cleansing skooners of New with the genteel folk at the Mosman Rowers meant that I was largely spared any Football Related Violence in the streets outside my Richmond romper room.

Anyway, driving back from Port Jackson this morning I witnessed a crime.

Some guy going like the clappers in the other direction in a red...er...blue...er...yeah that's...umm...right officer...red car was speeding.

Weeelllll, maybe he wasn't.

But I'll bet he WAS wearing a set of those fold-down sunnies over his glasses. Now there's a crime!