After Grog Blog

UNDERWEAR BADNESS

Infrared camera snaps thief stealing underwear

A WOMAN used an infra-red camera to film a man stealing underwear from her clothesline in Melbourne's inner north.

CZECH, MAAAAAAAATE

How dare she:

Calling a New Zealander a ‘stupid Aussie' is racial abuse, judge says

A CZECH-BORN woman has been found guilty of racially abusing her New Zealand-born neighbour by calling her a "stupid, fat Australian".

The Daily Mail reports that the row started after New Zealander Chelsea O'Reilly called the police following a fight between her neighbour Petra Mills and her husband in Macclesfield, England.

"She called me a stupid, fat Australian b****. Because of my accent there can be some confusion over my nationality. She knew I was from New Zealand. She was trying to be offensive. I was really insulted. She said she would kill my dog. Bizarrely she then blew raspberries at me like a child."

A MAN FOR ALL SEASONING

Makes a change from fiddling kiddies. We should encourage deviant priests to eat each other:

Ear bitten off in priest V priest fight

An 80-year-old retired priest allegedly bit an ear off another elderly clergyman in Perth during a violent brawl over a parking bay in their block of units.

The punch-up broke out on Friday afternoon in a Dianella complex in Perth, which houses three retired Catholic priests.

CONDIMENTAL CRUELTY

[Enter shop]

~~ Yes, please?

~~ Two cheese and pickle sandwiches please.

[Fetches bread]

~~ That cheese, ham, tomato?

~~ No. Cheese and pickle.

~~ Pickle?

~~ You know, the yellow stuff?

~~ No know.

~~ No know pickle? It's almost as common as Vegemite.

~~ Ahh, you want Vegemite.

~~ No, pickles.

~~ Sorry, we no have.

~~ That's alright. Thanks anyway.

[Exit shop]

[Enter shop]

~~ Yes, please.

~~ Two cheese and pickle sandwiches please.

~~ Cheese and paper?

~~ No, cheese and pickle.

~~ Pickle. You know, the yellow stuff?

~~ Ahh, pickle.

[Fetches bread]

~~ Sorry, we have run out of bread. Only rolls.

~~ That's alright. Thanks anyway.

[Exit shop hungry]

"LATE" PAYMENT

Quack. Quack.

Tony Tea: Hello?

Caller: Tony Tea?

TT: That's right.

Caller: *** Street Medical Centre here. We are chasing up an unpaid bill.

TT: I have not been there for 20 years.

*SMC: No, not for you, for your father.

TT: What do you want me to do about it?

*SMC: You're his next of kin.

TT: He's dead.

*SMC: The bill is from March 17 for $120.

TT: He died March 21.

*SMC: Yes, we admitted him to hospital.

TT: You must have malpracticed him.

*SMC: I'm sorry?

TT: He was alive, he saw you, he died.

*SMC: He died in Cabrini.

TT: Way to pass the buck.

*SMC: Do you have to be rude?

TT: Which of us is demanding payment for a dead family member? Anyway, why did you wait so long to hit on me?

*SMC: It's what we do.

TT: Send me the bill. Goodbye.

GONG, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

Eleven currently non-existent countries have won Olympic medals:

• Australasia
• Bohemia
• Czechoslovakia
• East Germany
• Netherlands Antilles
• Russian Empire
• Serbia and Montenegro
• USSR
• West Germany
• West Indies Federation
• Yugoslavia

Four countries which no longer exist failed to win any Olympic medals:

• British West Indies
• North Borneo
• Rhodesia
• South Yemen

CULTURAL BINGE

Germaine! Germaine! Germaine! Rather than cringe and shit-can "Aussie three times" Germaine Greer reckons we ought to embrace our inner bogan, as well as giving the infamous chant a historical, if perhaps far-fetched, context:

As chants would have it, 'Aussie' is here to stay

SO FOXTEL wants us to stop chanting, ''Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!'', and is prepared to give $10,000 to anyone who can come up with a better cry. There are some, apparently, who consider ''Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!'' unnecessarily confrontational, repellently nationalist, unsporting even.

Of course, far be it from me to contradict Germs on matters of etymology (which, as you all know, is the study of the history of insects, their origins, and how their forms have changed over time).

CHOC SPIDER

Anyone know what Bundy Bear has been up to lately?

Pedo-bear ruins Nestle's Facebook party

Nestle has been forced to take down an image from its Kit Kat Facebook fan page, after it emerged that it was similar to an icon used to ward off paedophiles.

The picture of the nut brown-coloured bear was used briefly to promote Kit Kat Bars on the Facebook page of the Nestle-owned chocolate bar. The company said it had no idea that the image matched that of “Pedobear” - considered visual shorthand on the internet for sites posting material with inappropriate overtones towards minors.

NO "PROBREM"!

SOCTOLOGIST

ELAN DOWN-UNDER

It is de-riguer - a hyphen? read on - for us right-wingers to knee-jerkingly ridicule Germaine Greer, but dash it all if I don't find her too damn interesting. Well, interesting apart from The Female Eunuch, which was about as interesting as people who say "that's about as interesting as watching grass grow/paint dry."

Anyway, despite Macquarie Dictionary's dictatorial directives, I'll use my dashes anyway I want them:

Macquarie's mitts all over our supposed Strine

RICHIE Benaud told Leo Schofield not so long ago that he loved the Australian way of using words and was never without Sidney J. Baker's The Australian Language. As an author who is at present enduring the rigours of having her book translated from English into Australian, I swiftly purchased a copy of the second edition.

EIN BIER?

Nine.

ELIZABETH REX

Currently watching "Elizabeth: Virgin Queen" on The History Channel, a show which boldly claims to reveal the truth that QEI did not marry because she, contrary to popular misconceptions, died as a child and was replaced by a boy.

Now you know why he preferred Hot Wheels to Barbie Dolls.

SOCRATES HIMSELF IS PARTICULARLY MISSED

1982 was the first time I payed much more than cursory attention to the World Cup and Brazil, led by Socrates, was the main reason:

Brazil legend Socrates dies

BRAZIL legend Socrates has died aged 57 after suffering with an intestinal infection.

The 1982 World Cup hero was admitted to hospital and placed on life-support on Thursday after falling ill during a meal at a hotel in Sao Paulo.

It was the third time the former Brazilian national team captain had been rushed to hospital in recent months, having first fallen ill in the summer.

Also, at our footy club a big grab was accompanied by a chorus of "ZICO!" and a teammate named Paul Ross became Paulo Rossi.

"I WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONSENT"

Football in mouth:

Kosmina's 'rape' remark criticised

FORMER Adelaide United coach John Kosmina has sparked controversy again, saying Melbourne Victory had been ''raped'' by his former club.

''I mean, basically they were raped by Adelaide at that stage,'' he said on Fox Sports on Friday night.

TRAINING DAY

"I am from Dandenong."

EIGHT-TWO! EIGHT-BLOODY-TWO!

UNDERBELLY: KNIFE & FORK

A member of the Carlton Crew comes clean:

Wayne Harmes admits to stealing cutlery from The Lodge

ONE of Carlton's premiership greats has admitted to stealing cutlery from The Lodge after a celebratory dinner 30 years ago.

"I think he (Mr Fraser) knew when I shook hands with him leaving that my top pocket was shaking like a cutlery cupboard."

Meanwhile, another member of the Carlton Crew is barred from the Lodge:

$10,000 not enough to get Mick Gatto a dinner date with the First Bloke

PRIME Minister Julia Gillard has banned Mick Gatto from lunch at The Lodge after he paid $10,000 for the privilege at a charity auction.

Mr Gatto said he had been looking forward to giving Ms Gillard some advice.

Advice is not the only thing Gatto was planning to give Gillard. Word on the street is that he was also planning to return the stolen cutlery.

BOOMER TISH

Footy Classified, Garry Lyon:

"North have built this side really well. They have been able to build this list on the back of some genuine bargains."

The graphic (there's always the graphic):

• Michael Firrito - Rookie Draft
• Scott McMahon - Rookie Draft
• Leigh Adams - Rookie Draft
• Matt Campbell - Rookie Draft
• Nathan Grima - Rookie Draft
• Cruize Garlett - Rookie Draft
• Cam Pedersen - Rookie Draft
• Aaron Mullett - Rookie Draft
• Aaron Edwards - Pick 82 - 2006
• Lindsay Thomas - Pick 53 - 2006
• Brent Harvey - Pick 47 - 1995
• Andrew Swallow - Pick 43 - 2005

Excuse my skepticism. The inclusion of Brent Harvey smacks of padding. "Look! Boomer was drafted at 47 - that will bolster our point." North built its 1990s list with Harvey. North already had Harvey when Dean Laidley re-built the list in the Noughties. Now, under Brad Scott, "this side" and "this list" merely inherited Harvey.

PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS C'EST LA MÊME CHOSE

Someone is going to have to crack open a can of #FootyMaths to assist in the AFL's on-going struggle with unintended consequences.

Since the introduction of the current substitute rule, footy fans have been party to the following justification:

"The substitute rule works brilliantly. Late in games players are tiring dramatically, allowing the games to open right up."

Of late, conspiratorially as a distraction from GWS shenanigans and other inspired AFL hi-jinx, it has been mooted that the game is too long:

"At 30+ minutes, quarters are too long. Late in games players are tiring dramatically, putting their well-being and careers at risk."

In a nutshell: We can make the game better by making the players more tired; by making the players less tired, we can make the game better.

The AFL, through its rules committee, introduces a new rule or rule modification - "tweak", to employ the prevailing user-friendly vernacular. Mind you, Kevin Bartlett remains dogged (tiger-like, even) in his defence: "there are next to NO new rules." This change, in turn, precipitates another change, and another, etc, et al, and so on. Which is great for KB, who gets to oversee another tweak. See how it works?

Next step: two substitutes.

DUDD JUDD v SPUD BUDD?

I could not bring myself to hate Judd because he went to Carlton instead of Melbourne; he's just too bloody good. And anyway, recent events appear to illustrate why he might have chosen Royal Parade. That, and his cushy deal at Visy. I also wanted to mention that both Judd and Buddy barracked for Melbourne before they played AFL. And also that I had, coincidentally, had a multi on Collingwood for the flag, Judd for the Brownlow and Buddy for the Coleman.

THAT'S, or rather THIS! is what I am talking about!

YOUR AB

Austrian's wouldn't give a XXXX for "automated programming systems":

ABC pulls plug on VFL game

It was lights, cameras and suddenly no action for ABC viewers of Saturday's AFL match of the round between Port Melbourne and Williamstown.

With only a couple of minutes to go, at 4pm, Williamstown was five points down and storming home when the ABC pulled the plug on the live coverage.

It turned out there were only two minutes still to go in an extraordinarily long game, when the ABC announced that, unfortunately, it was ending its coverage and that the game could be seen later on the station's iView.

The station went to its next program - Treks in the Wild World: Trekking in Austria.

(From the Herald Sun's Sports Confidential.)

DUMB AND DIMMER

Real Estate Agent: "May I take your name please?"

Tony Tea: "Tony Taylor."

REA: "Hey! That rhymes!"

TT: "No, it doesn't." [To Boynton] "What's that... ?"

Boynton: "Alliteration."

REA: "I've never heard of that."

CITIUS, ALTIUS, FOURTIUS

(Hats off: @profsarahj)

LOW WRENT

Collingwood, the club that Jack built, is proud to announce the appointment of a new powerbroker.

FAILURE TO LUNCH

Chris de Kretser & Daryl Timms in today's Herald Sun:

AFL rules bent to draft Jurrah

The persuasive power of former Collingwood player Rupert Betheras was instrumental in the AFL making an exception to its rules to enable Melbourne indigenous wizard Laim Jurrah to be drafted.

The revelation appears in a book on the Demon they call the Walpiri Warrior, which was launched by AFL chief Andrew Demetriou yesterday.

The Author Bruce Hearn Mackinnon, with whom Jurrah lived when he first came to the city and played four VFL games four Collingwood told how the AFL waived a couple of requirements for the 2009 pre-season draft.

Ignoring that Jurrah was taken in the 2008 pre-season draft - Jake Niall, March 19, 2009:

Red centre bounce: Jurrah makes a big leap in any language

[Jurrah] returned to Melbourne, but the Magpies, clearly mindful of the vast cultural distance Jurrah had to travel (Industrial Magpies supporters group member and Jurrah friend Bruce Hearn Mackinnon says Jurrah had never been in the ocean until a Collingwood recovery session), chose not to pursue him, and he did not even nominate for the national draft. Other clubs took a similarly risk-averse view, although he trained briefly with North Melbourne.

Former Collingwood grand final player Rupert Betheras intervened, lobbied the AFL and saw to it that Jurrah was permitted to nominate for the pre-season draft. While national draft nomination is normally mandatory for those picked in the pre-season draft, the AFL ruled that Jurrah had "exceptional circumstances" and admitted him.

TOP SHELF LIFE

What have the following players got in common?

• Adam Thompson
• Adrian Burdon
• Alex Fasolo
• Alex McDonald
• Ben Allan
• Brett Burton
• Clayton Lamb
• Clayton Lasscock
• Daniel Menzel
• Drew Banfield
• Evan Hewitt
• Harry Taylor
• James Davies
• Jared Brennan
• Jason Gram
• Jason McCartney
• Lance Picioane
• Llane Spaanderman
• Matthew Laidlaw
• Mitchell Brown
• Peter Bubner
• Robert Stevenson
• Ryan Schoenmakers
• Shane Crawford
• Shane Sikora

All those players were selected with the first draft pick of that season's premier. For instance, Hawthorn won the flag in 1991 and selected Shane Crawford with their first pick in the 1991 (Insert sponsor:__________) National Draft.

Serious question: would a draftee be 98% happy to have been drafted by the flag holder. Would, and I am picking absolutely at random here, Adam Thompson have been chuffed to have been taken by Port with pick 11 in 2004? There is an outside chance he, like me, figured Port might have pinched the cup that year and the only way was down. True, he may have thought Port had the momentum to go further, but as Steve Coogan said in The Trip: "momentum is what you have when you go downhill." Port were good enough to make the grand final in 2007, you say. True. But that was an utter fluke, and in hindsight, Port probably wished they had dodged that bullet... howitzer shell.

Hawthorn in 1991. Like Melbourne in 1964, you could have be forgiven for thinking the Hawks had capped their dynasty with one last flag. And indeed, it took the Hawks another 17 modest years to win a flag. But Shane Crawford was good enough to last those 17 years to finally crown a pretty damn excellent career. If only it had taken the Demons a mere, microscopic 17 years to win their next flag. Sigh.

Or take Llane Spaanderman. To paraphrase Henny Youngman, take Llane Spaanderman, please. Taken by Brisbane with pick 18 in 2003, he have could certainly been forgiven for thinking a flag was a fair way off after the Lions had won the previous three premierships.

Adrian Burdon was taken by Carlton in 1995 at pick 61; presumably Carlton traded away their early picks. Burdon can hardly have expected to set the world on fire in the next couple of years, and in fact played no games for the Blues.

How many draftees, low level draftees in most cases, think they will be good enough to squeeze into a premiership side in their first season?

And yet, Ben Allan, Drew Banfield, Harry Taylor and Shane Crawford all played in premierships. Jason Gram, admittedly at another club, might have played in two. Jason McCartney was a fathead in the 1999 preliminary final, got suspended and missed North's premiership. Daniel Menzel and Alex Fasolo are both a chance to play in flags this year. As usual, I pose the questions, but have no idea what the answer might be. There may not even be an answer, conclusion or #FootyMaths extrapolation. Someone else can compare this list with the same season's wooden-spooner, I've got work to do.

KNOW SHIT!

Tell us something we don't no:

AFL players struggle with reading and maths, the AFLPA reveals

A QUARTER of all players who come into the AFL system have reading and maths skills lower than year 10 level.

In the following item on the SEN 7:30 News, Barry Hall didn't know the meaning of "prior".

FING ATTACK

The following story was reported this morning on SEN news:

Country netballer suspended for Hopoate-style incident

A COUNTRY netballer has been suspended after allegations she stuck her finger up an opponents skirt in a Hopoate-style incident.

And was followed directly by this, verbatim, opening to the next item:

"Cracks have started to appear (in the Coalition's climate policy)."