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Tony.T

That's The Age on the ... left.

(Ho. Ho.)

RT

Monty does appear to be a panacea for England's bowling.

Agree with taking the test of Perth. There should be a deathly silence at each Aussie dismissal. Or a rifle shot when Symonds got out.

Peter

And the Herald-Sun caption?

"Sikh, rattle and bowl".

Credit where it's due.

RT

From the Spankster:

"In an attempt to impart some mischief upon the missile, the turbaned tweaker had wrapped his long fingers around the ball, gripping it as might an ancient mariner a woman's neck."

Really Roebuck you are a tool.

Tony.T

Rich, in a weird way, you've gotta love the Spanker. That is, sometime well after you've screamed "Stop showing off!" at the newspaper.

Peter, years ago, 1987 to be precise, Mike Gatting and the Poms were copping a caning (just keeping things Roebuck) from umpire Shakoor Rana. The Sun headline - Shakoor, Rattle and Roll.

Also, the Hun today called Monty The Sikh of Tweak, which I'm pretty sure they've had on ice since Bishen Bedi shookh his tweak all those years ago.

RT

Trivia Q: Who's got the most wickets in an innnings as a spinner at the WACA?

Tony.T

Roo Y.

RT

No contest.

Tony.T

Yesterday's Heroes:

Woody: "Top call on the Lee-in-wicket-with-no-ball-but-not-called shocker." To be honest, I meant it the other way around. I thought Lee would get a "wicket" then be pinged for a noey like last year with Vaughan. And "That Clark is a tidy bugger - I reckon he'll be the major difference this series. He could have had Colly 4 times." I'm dreading we missed a chance to get rid of the bloody ginger limpet.

Clem: "Channel 9, having covered up Murali's chucking for so long, seem to be covering up for the umpire's errors, or at best missing them." Two words for you, brother - Official Broadcaster. I'd be staggered if Nine hadn't done a deal with CrickAussie to not highlight sorepoints like Murali and umpy mistakes. If Pidge gets fines for bringing the game into disrepute for a perfectly reasonable reaction to a horrendous decision, he ought to go the match ref for bringing common-sense into disrepute. (Chappelli = dickhead.)

Yob: "Warne's catch was a sitter. You shouldn't drop them when you are standing half way to the boundary and they come at shin height." I don't agree. Any chance to the keeper's side of first slip is difficult. Glichrist should have caught it anyway. I would be stunned if Healy, Marsh or even Timmy Zed didn't gobble it. If Hussey isn't the best batsman, he's certainly my favourite.

Russ: "Giles is a talisman...as a water carrier." Monty is a talisender. (Oooh, that's a good one, me.)

RT

Michael Slater should have snotted Chappell two or 3 times during the afternoon. How the other commentators put up with him, I'll never fathom.

Tony.T

I was disappointed when Slatts had to back down to Chappelli about Hook cooking. (That could be Cook hooking, I'm not 100% sure.) Cook should have been out off his first mistimed hook, when Hussey was in too close, then hit two fours.

Still, Slatts can give you the shits. He should always have to commentate with Athers. Those two make an excellent pair.

Bruce

Monty bowled well. Drift (to get Lange playing down the wrong line) and bounce (to get Sideshow and Gilly).

Are there any umpires of quality coming through anywhere near the test panel that aren't Australians? Are Roody and Der the best we can get for 1st v 2nd on the test table and the biggest Ashes in ages.

I seem to remember a few close-ups of Harmy's foot being over the line and not called too. He was much better and beat Clarke for pace.

Tony.T

Monty certainly bowled well. As Yobbo said "WHAT THE FUCK WERE ENGLAND THINKING by playing Giles".

Sideshow's was still a rotten shot, though, he should have spanked it for four instead of standing there, flailing away and getting caught by Jones. (Those last four words are surprising on their own.)

As soon as I saw Morgan was going back to the West Indies after the second test, I looked for who was going to replace him. I was dreading it was Dar He Blows! Even when he's getting them right, he's still our albatross. Albatross! Albatross! Just keeping on message.

RT

Backdown Slater for sure. Um Ian, a batsman is allowed to show some disappointment when he get out from an obvious mistake.

Next move surely is to get 1 Aussie ump to stand in on local tests.

I'm always thinking Hussey's honeymoon will end soon but he just keeps getting better if that's possible. Where the fuck was he at 25 years old??

If Gilchrist's keeping was slackening off he be target practice for selectors.

The Poms have to keep picking Geraint. Good Aussie asset.

Tony.T

Senor Nubie texted me last night about Monty's haul at the WACA. "Was it the first time a spinner has bagged 5 wickets on Day 1 of a Perth Test?" Or something like that. (Bloody bombré!)

These are the best spinner hauls and Monty's is the only one on Day 1, the rest are later in the Tests. So, yes, I reckon Monty's IS the best spinner haul on Day 1.

Figures Bowler Against Season Innings

6-84 Bruce Yardley (Aus) v Pakistan 81-82 2nd
6-87 Daniel Vettori (NZ) v Australia 01-02 1st
5-89 Bishan Bedi (Ind) v Australia 77-78 1st
5-92 Monty Panesar (Eng) v Australia 06-07 1st

Nor do I think for a minute that I am letting this stats business get out of hand.

RT

They were showing the '74/75 Ashes WACA Test the other night. Thommo bowling 4 byes by bowling bouncers over Bacchus' head. Rick refuses to believe we were there.

Tony.T

No one believes it. Saying you were there is like saying you were at Woodstock.

There were 45 million people at Woodstock, you know. 42 million last year.

RT

I caught the ball that Doug Walters hit for 6 to get his 100 off Willis' bowling.

OK - a minor embellishment.

Tony.T

Minor? It's a gross embellishment. I caught it.

RT

Rick - "I was playing pool with Tony in the house common room and we were watching it". Ah no Rick, but nice detail.

Colin Cowdrey = target practice.

Tony.T

He's wrong, of course. I was playing pool with Rick in the house common room when Kennedy got shot.

Tony.T

Go the Pig Eon. Snort. Snort.

Russ

I managed to take in some of that 74-75 series the other night. Somehow, Tony Grieg seems even more irritating back when he was a player.

Good early wicket... not a small amunt of pressure on Pietersen here.

Tony.T

Sideshow Roy! He's our boy!

Tony.T

And right after the Barmy Trumpeter's Last Post.

Toy with the mozz at your peril, Bugle Boy.

Mr Z

I'm sorry Ger-OINK, but if Roy's medium (*cough*) pacers have you bamboozled, you have no right playing Test cricket.

The Cricinfo commentators seem a bit slow to update, maybe they're crying over their keyboards?

Bruce

6/115 and the monstrous tail is exposed.

Go Roy!!

Mr Z

Bruce,

Shhhhhhhhhhhh!

Russ

Never mind the bugle. The Guardian OBO is getting so many wickets for Roy he must be an Australian doing anti-mozzing.

"Presumably Ponting is killing a little time while England are rebuilding this travesty of an innings. Symonds nickname is "Roy". Make of that what you will. Possibly as little as KP did of that over, which was a maiden."

"Symonds usefulness as a bowler looks as limited as we all, in fact, know it is."

"OH GOD. Yes, what was I saying - something about how crap Symonds is. How silly of me, I meant of course, to say how great Symonds is. As one of his pathetic medium-pace dobbers loops off Flintoff's outside edge and is safely caught by Warne. The ball did nothing, Flintoff did less, but rather dropped his bat onto it most lazily. Oh God."

"We don't have that many wickets left to spare" writes extra-vigilent Marcia Adair. As wary no doubt, as England now are of the terrifying 70mph filth being thrown down by international dob-star Symonds. So I finish writing that and? GO! Jones plays an awful shot, chasing a wide ball all the way into the hands of third slip . Unbelievable."

Tony.T

I wonder if there's been a batsman in Test crickey who's got out playing more shit shots than Geroink.

Percentage wise, of course.

I'm on CI, too, Zed. Slow going. Try The Guardian Over-By-Over for chucklement.

Mr Z

I guess the difference is that the Cricinfo staff are over here all jet-lagged, while the Guarniad crowd are over there, chock full of Red Bulls.

Tony.T

Oops.

Apparently Serjeant Mahmood can bat. Apparently.

Tony.T

Bastards! I demand a wicket off the last ball before lunch. Quid pro quo, and all that.

Mr Z

Tony,

I'm not lucky enough to be seeing any vision, but the wireless indicates that Seargeant Manboob is barely there, as opposed to most of the English batters who have been completely not there.

Mr Z

I have a feeling that the English tail will give us some heartbreak this afternoon, not unlike yesterday.

Russ

I have a feeling Pietersen is going to go ballistic. As you would, given who he has to support him. Mahmood's first class figures are fairly reminscent of Clark's, unlike the other three, who are nearer McGrath's. They are still capable of hurting us though.

Mr Z

So how many do the Poms need to avoid the follow on?

Tony.T

The Hogg can hang around and Harm can go the tonk. Fingers crossed Pietersen doesn't fire up. No idea whether Monty can hold a bat.

Russell Allen

You guys just wait. Monty will be fired up for this one. If him and Pietersen are in the middle together, watch 'em go all Braveheart on your arses.

Tony.T

Braveheart lost, didn't he?

Mr Z

K O'K just dissed UWA for declaring every chucker that they analyse is straight. Even George Michael went there and was declared straight.

'onya Kerry!

Tony.T

He's used that line before.

But I'll forgive him because he's right.

Mr Z

Well, at least someone is saying it. Brave of him to do it in Perth, though.

Mr Z

Of course, it doesn't matter what England get out for, Ponting will be batting within an hour of the innings starting, probably Hussey as well.

Mr Z

Nice to see that the Mozz has gone international (courtesy of the Corridor)

"Wraye said …

England 114 for 6. Another spectacular England collapse. Bearders on TMS is putting the word of doom on each batsman - Jones has never been out for a duck in 51 innings,a world record, TMS discuss this and Jones is out for a duck. I’m going back to bed. After I finish my beer. Sniff."

bilbo

I'm here, coach, I'm here,,,,,,

Geez you guys are devious

Pietersen has been getting shitty. He's making ploughboy shots. He's not getting value for his strokes. These are not the strokes of a master batsman. He's under orders to get runs and he's not gettin' em.

Bilbo

bilbo

See what I mean? If yer gonna tonk it, then make sure it goes OVER the rope. You can only push yer luck so far Kevin.

Next patient nurse!

Bilbo

Tony.T

Welcome, Bilbo.

Zed, I sent an email to the Guardian explaining the finer points of mozzing.

Thank Christ Pig Eon's drop didn't cost too many. Can I just ask, though. Did Pietersen really need to go the übertonk. For thirty or so runs he just tossed his wicket away with wanton slogging.

Russ

Going the übertonk was a better idea than his original strategy of taking a single off the first ball of each over. Someone should show him a video of Lara martialing the tail though.

Someone should also kick Brett Lee in the head.

Mr Z

Well, considering that I didn't expect us to go into the second innings with a lead, I s'pose it's a good thing. But I can't help but feel a bit cheated.

fm

There's been some wonderful mozzing going on over at the BBC live coverage. I wanted to mention it earlier, but I feared that would put the mozz on it, particularly with the tail wagging. (I figured this is close enough). I think we have a lot of English cricket commentators to thank for this collapse. Maaarvellous mozzing!

bilbo

I reckon we should have a whip round to buy Monty an Aussie passport.

Australia needs more Montys and The Poms don't deserve 'em.

Monty would make a top Aussie. Nice little knock at the end, Monty. Today, he showed more class than RSA reject, Pietersen.

Bilbo

Tony.T

What idiot said Monty couldn't bat?

Last night if you said we'd lead by 30 odd after both first innings, I'd take it in a flash.

Mr Z

Agreed, Tone. That was a get out of jail effort by the Aussies, Monty/Harmy notwithstanding.

Another benefit is that the pitch seems to be steadily flattening out. Not that Ponting won't be in before the close of play today, of course

Mr Z

Langer.

Oh, shit.

Dirk Thruster

First fucking ball.

Tony.T

Tell ya what. It's hard work holding your breath for two and a half hours.

bilbo

"Uncle Duncan" said he couldn't bat, that's who.

He also said Jones COULD bat ;)

Bilbo

pat

How good is the Haydos? How good is the Haydos? Here's to Haydos hip hip...

HUZZAHH!!!!

Langer was due, and so was Haydos. Punter. just. is. Punter. The Newdon.

Smash the poms into the ground.

Please.

woody

Well, as shambles go, that was ubershambolic. Clearly Strauss thinks he's in an Errol Flynn movie with his incessant swishing; Fred is a fucking cripple( ankle and knee!!)who shouldn't even be playing, and Jones of the hands of stone fame demonstrates that no low opinion of him is low enough, the cretin.

The only thing that could have made Fletcher look even more like a clown was Monty doing something with the bat...and he did!!!

On a serious note, the only way to keep cricket's profile high in the UK is to compete with the Aussies. If we don't, then people just cast it aside like some irritating christmas present and all the focus is on football. Apparently 40% of Aussie males would give up sex for a month to win the ashes; I'll bet 40% of English males couldn't name 3 fucking players in our team, and if the preparation for this tour is repeated it won't be changing in a hurry.

Brett Pee

Tony-Which Commo is gonna be the one to scream "It's the Ashes, It's the Ashes" at the top of his voice ?

And Straussie definitely edged it- i heard it from my position, plain as the blue sky above me mate.

Isn't it good to see the Ashes reclaimed in Perth eh boys ? The home of Aussie Sport etc etc.

Good on yer Punts.

nick

'we'll make them grovel for every run'

Who said this??

Is this a mozz born of ignorance, or a carefully crafted mental strategy - you decide...

Bruce

The "massive English tail" mentioned above by me is more in the Stegosaurus mould.
Very large but with some nasty spikes at the end.

Brett Lee continues his ridiculous habit of trying to bully out tail-enders. Monty got in behind everything and pushed the over-pitched and over-straight down the ground for runs. Easy.

Yobbo

A dartboard would make better selections than Fletcher/Flintoff. Clearly ridiculous to say that Monty can't bet. His technique is better than anyone in the England team who bats below 4.

Mr Z

I'd imagine the Roy's bowling average is now looking a little less shitty.

bilbo

So where's the action today, Tony T

I seem to get lost on this site. You weren't easy to find yesterday.

Bilbo

Tony.T

Right here, Bilbo.

Bastard Bill Lawry just mozzed Ponting with a shocking "Ponting wants to seize the Ashes right here."

To all you it's-over merchants, it's bloody well nothing like it.

Tony.T

Good ball by Harmy to get Ponting, mind, he ought to bowl there more.

Tony.T

Was anyone unsettled by how excited Ponting and Hayden were when they came off last night at stumps.

Lid. On. It.

Al

I dunno, it was on a good length outside off. Ponting should have left it.

Tony.T

Yes, he should have, but he didn't.

bilbo

I concur Tony. every time I hear Bill open his gob, something inside me shrinks in horror.

That Victorian that keeps pigeons up his nose put the the "Kiss of Death" on every time he opens his mouth

He musta blackmailed Richie about somethintg to still have his possie on the Ch9 Team.

Bilbo

bilbo

Ponting - regulation dismissal.

Bilbo

Tony.T

Yes, regulation to a ball in the right spot.

bilbo

I've seen some UK comments that reckon Pietersens batting yesterday was "superb". That's not the adjective I would have used.

Pissed off, angry, inconsiderate, selfish, frustrated and agricultural spring to mind, but "superb" doesn't.

Comments anyone?

Bilbo

Tony.T

I'd add in "talented", but "pissed off, angry, inconsiderate, selfish, frustrated and agricultural" just about covers it.

There is no way he should have got out the way he did.

Tony.T

Bloody Haydos! You could see he was starting to get sloppy. It is no surprise he played an "ambitious" shot to get out.

Mind you, he was bloody lucky with that ElBee.

bilbo

Tony,

My PC just did an "Ashley Giles" and broke down unde pressure. It's back - unlike poor Ashley.

BUT - where is everyone today?

Bilbo

bilbo

The Fremnatle Doctors is “IN” at my place - 70 kms south of Perth. Very slight it is too but it’s growing.

Get yer seamers on now, you Poms or lose the advantage. Monty will make a killing again this arvo when the breeze stiffens a bit more.

Bilbo

Tony.T

Weekends are always quiet, B. It's just one of those blogging things.

Most people blog at work; while they are working hard.

bilbo

I'm retired Tony. Work is now a classified verb/noun/directive in this house and can only be used under supervision.

Bilbo

chrisl

Where would the blogosphere be without the public service?

pat

I'm in the camp who doubted the veracity of Montys' claims to Englishness.

Just saw the replay of Haydos' dismissal. Monty carried on like a raving mincing gheylord who'd just been invited to play Tinkerbell at his little sisters birthday party. I stand corrected - vvvery English.

fm

I mostly comment when I'm pissed off with Australia, but I'm reasonably content now. I'd speculate further about the outcome and when England is likely to bat, but this is the anti-mozz blog. Suffice to say tomorrow should be fun, or desperate, or both.

fm

PS. It's amusing to note the BBC blogger has now realised he put the huge mozz on England yesterday and he has been apologising profusely all day for it. His brother even wrote in to complain.

I know we're taking this superstition too far, but I don't want to be the first one to break.

bilbo

I'm a newcomer at this "Blogging". Can someone please tell what is "mozzing".

Bilbo

fm

Jinx, Kiss of Death, Moka...

pat

Johnah

pat

Poms've gone in for their ritual circle jerk at drinks. Why don't they just drop their dacks, touch each others cocks and end this facade?

pat

Oz is not out of the woods yet. We need another 150 at least and bat till after lunch tomorrow. That was a massive wicket to take Hussey like that.

Tony.T

Totally agree, Pat. A dodgy decision like that, and right on tea, is capable of starting a collapse. We need plenty more runs and to bat a lot longer for me to be anywhere near comfortable.

nick

aargghhh

pat

And so it begins...

Tony.T

That's two nights in a row Straya have lost a wicket while Nine were at the News.

Ban the News, I say.

nick

South Africa - at the Wanderers 2006
West Indies - Antigua 02/03....

pat

We all know the entire nation is on fire, such is life. Stick.with....the cricket!

nick

Oh, was that a bushfire? I thought it was Duncan Fletcher's house after Monty's 8th wicket for the match.

Tony.T

Spot on, Nick. The pitch is fine and there's plenty of time.

Why do Nine think they need 30 minutes of News? I'm sure you all agree, the only thing they should do is cut the ads out, and include the bit about Shane Watson doing his hammy - AGAIN!

Tony.T

Mark Nicholas was a bit emotional when Clarke got his ton. I though he was going to cry.

Tony.T

Outta the screws.

What are "the screws", anyway?

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