AGB Cricket

FIRST TEST: SOPHIA GARDENS

What more is there to say after the barrage of previews, predictions and prognostications about how the Ashes series might pan out?

Heavy on detail, running the risk of repeating myself, and with fingers crossed, my own contribution is over the fold.

REMAKE UP YOUR MINDS

Slot Lee spends the best part of two series bowling rubbish - Australia lose.

Lee is history.

Australia go to South Africa without Lee, and with what appears to be an experimental attack - Australia win.

Back, Lee bowls pies in the T20 - Australia lose.

Lee bowls more pies in the first Ashes warm up match - Australia draw.

Lee is still history.

Lee bowls better for 170+ runs in the second warm up match.

His. Tory.

Ponting gets up Lee, Lee bowls grenades.

Lee is back.

Yobbo blows raspberry.

Australia still draws.

Pushing too hard to get back in the side, Lee gets injured. (Did he get injured when Ponting told him to pull his finger out? At least he didn't get injured during the First Test.)

"Australia's Ashes plans in disarray".

Lee was the savior and Australia can't win without him.

But now, without Lee, Australia have a similar attack - probably a better one if you include Stuart Clark - to the one that won the three Tests.

In short: Lee plays, Australia lose or draw; Lee misses, Australia wins.

Unless he bowls snorters like the ones he bowled against The Loins of England.

GOODBYE TO ALL OF THAT

Does Studsy's mum want a piece of the action? Wives and girlfriends and mums? WAGAMs doesn't quite cut the mustard:

Mum bounces Mitchell Johnson ace over 'bitchy' girlfriend

"Mitch met Jess and since then she has flown off to South Africa, to England and the Bahamas. She gets all these trips, she gets flown there, accommodation, food and all of that."

JB should also get a pair of scissors - plastic ones, which she will not run with - to cut a certain pair of apron strings.

Give mum something to do to keep her involved. She can fix the curtains.

"BACK TO YOU"

MacGill, Martyn, Matthews. Not Triple M, not a 60's folk-rock trio, but the SBS studio commentary team for the Ashes. If they are anywhere near as good as Simon Hill, Matthews and Dean Jones were in 2005, they will be well worth a listen. Chuck in Rodney Hogg, who is the SBS expert over in the UK, and the phrase "forthright opinion" would sell them way short.

Not sure how MacGill will go, but all reports suggest he offers more than the average cricket head. Has anyone ever heard Damian Martyn speak? He seems, on the face of it, a strange choice. Greg Matthews will be all, like, dude, yeah, cat, but at least he knows the caper. Hoggy will be Hoggy. "Chucking? They changed the rules. Everyone chucks now."

(How will the SBS coverage flow now that they have more, ahem, retail opportunities. Last time, they only had ads between programs. Now they have expanded their advertisments into shows, which means they will almost certainly have ads between overs, which will barge into their studio airtime and our consciousness. Put it this way: what was five minutes of comment during a drinks break might now become three minutes of cars, alcohol, insurance, Guthy Renker and girls in hot tubs with telephones, and only two minutes of cricket talk.)

Compare the SBS team with the standard, but capable, Fox outfit of Brendon Julian, Allan Border, Mark Waugh, Greg Blewett and Damien Fleming. Will Fox rue Hoggy moving to SBS? When he was on with BJ and the Boys, he was mighty entertaining. Before they shut him up, that is. Forthright opinion is permitted to be more forthright on an outlet like SBS, which is less beholden to a lord and/or master than an Official Broadcaster like Fox.

Either way, Channel Nine and their oaf demographic, despite the recent improvements sparked largely by the SBS and UK coverage in 2005, will be looking for parts and people to pinch.

Test team behind the mikes

NO ONE can accuse SBS of playing it safe in its choice of commentators for the Ashes.

Stuart MacGill will play the hosting role in the Sydney studio and will be joined by Greg Matthews and Damien Martyn.

The outspoken Rodney Hogg will be the man on the ground with SBS putting together a one-hour highlights program from 5pm (AEST) on the previous day's play.

FoxSports will have the familiar faces of former Australian cricketers Allan Border, Mark Waugh, Brendon Julian, Greg Blewett and Damien Fleming sharing their views.

Meanwhile, on the radio wireless broadcasting systems, the ABC have "again put together a quality commentary team". Not my words. No byline on the article. Sounds like a press release cut & paste.

For those unable to watch it on the box, the ABC has again put together a quality commentary team in cahoots with the BBC.

Recently-retired Test opener Matthew Hayden is a star addition to the line-up that also includes the likes of Jason Gillespie and Phil Tufnell.

Perhaps we the listeners should be the ones who judge the quality.

Tuffers is often worth a chortle, but it remains to be seen whether St Matthew of Hayden or Dizzy Gillespie add to the quality commentary team comprised of quality commentators headed, no doubt, by the Matchell Twins.

MARTYN: "BUCHAN IDIOT!"

Update! If this is Damien Martyn's public audition for the SBS hosting gig, it's a good one:

Martyn lashes out at Buchanan over 2005 Ashes

"All comments by Warne and MacGill are right and you'd find that 99% of the group from that era would agree. They're just the only guys who've got [the courage] to say it. The management team didn't plan right, we had a not-very-good, quick preparation in Brisbane and then we landed and away we went."

"We played a Twenty20 against England, which England still talk about, flogging us down in Hampshire. Buck was saying, 'It's only a muck-around game, don't worry about it' and we trained for four hours on the morning. So we went from the nets next door, busting a gut, into a T20 game where they rolled up playing it like a Test match and flogged us. There were a lot of mistakes made and a lot will never come out."

"We got slack, everything clicked for them, they haven't played that well since then and they won't ever again," Martyn said. "They built themselves up so much for the Ashes when the Ashes for us had dropped off because we'd won it so many times.

"For us it was conquering all things, World Cups, Champions Trophy, the subcontinent. The Ashes was just another series but for England it was their pinnacle and we just went underprepared."

Noice.

A VIEW TO A SKILL-SET

The team for Worcester:

Ponting noncommittal on pace spots

1 Simon Katich, 2 Phillip Hughes, 3 Ricky Ponting, 4 Michael Hussey, 5 Michael Clarke, 6 Marcus North, 7 Brad Haddin, 8 Mitchell Johnson, 9 Brett Lee, 10 Nathan Hauritz, 11 Stuart Clark.

Looks like the Test side is all but settled apart from who will partner Johnson, Clark and Siddle: Lee or Hauritz? Ponting might not be giving any rock solid guarantees, but it's hard to imagine the Aussies haven't already settled on Studs, Sizz and Clark.

Put your magic beans on Lee.

Cooley gives Aussies a taste of 2005

The Australians have yet to finalise their pace attack for the first Test in Cardiff, but appear to be leaning towards a line-up of Mitchell Johnson, Peter Siddle, Brett Lee and Stuart Clark. All four offer vastly different skill-sets - from the left-arm pace and swing of Johnson to the height, accuracy and seam movement of the right-arm Clark - imbuing Cooley with confidence that his line-up is capable of adapting to all conditions.

Everything emanating from the Aussie hierarchy since the summer has suggested the Aussies are desperate to play Lee. Doubtless they think that man-for-man, he is a better bowler than Hilfenhaus. Maybe they also feel that if Lee bowls rubbish, no one will notice if Johnson, Siddle and Clark pick up his slack. Or is that too cynical? We'll certainly notice if Lee gets a "wicket" off a no ball. At his best Lee is better than Hilf, but he hasn't been at his best for a long time. However, nor has the Hilf set the world on fire despite being a part of the side that beat South Africa.

Cooley's opinions seem to reveal the Aussies have been planning for some time to go with the same style of four-pronged pace attack England used in 2005, but it remains to be see if we can duplicate that successful campaign.

In the first Test at Lords in 2005, despite Australia winning, Hoggard, Harmison, Jones and Flintoff all looked sharp from the start. In fact, had Pietersen not grassed Clarke in Australia's second inning, the Test may have gone the other way.

Compare that with Australia in 2009. Only Lee has bowled in a Test in England, and he bowled tripe. Siddle and Clarke look to be in form, but Clark and Lee are coming back from injuries and haven't played any meaningful cricket for ages, and Johnson has only bowled in the nets. Much was made of the lay-off he had during the one-day series here in January and February. After bowling well in the Tests (not as well as many would have it, excluding Perth) he bowled pies for the rest of the Aussie summer. Fingers crossed he's good to go.

Cooley is also talking up reverse swing. "It's not rocket science," says Troy. "You have to get the seam in the right spot, and if you have got an arm action that does that and you have got the speed and the ball condition, you're laughing." Sounds easy. Too easy. Judging by the tour so far, including the almost embarrassing loss at Hove when they couldn't bowl out Sussex on the last day, there has been rock-all evidence the Aussies are looping the Duke around. What's more, had Hilfenhaus been dangerous in Hove he'd be playing tonight, and he's our main swing bowler, albeit an orthodox swing bowler.

From over here it doesn't look as if the Australian attack is anywhere near in the same shape as the England attack was in 2005.

And then there's the batting...

When it's all said and done like a dinner, if Lee plays in Cardiff and everything goes tits-up pear-shaped, the selectors may as well start clearing out their desks.

TAKING THE MICKEY

This article's a joke, right?

South Africa's tips to beat Australia

SOUTH Africa has handed England its successful blueprint on how to beat the Australians.

England will head into the Ashes series with fresh intelligence after Proteas coach Mickey Arthur revealed his game plans for Australian players.

Arthur's team created history in the summer when it became the first South African team to win a Test series on Australian soil.

After again locking horns with Australia in a 2-1 series defeat in South Africa, Arthur has provided England with a dossier and tips on Australian players.

Fresh intelligence? Mickey's plan was in the papers six months ago. Successful blueprint? The summer finished 3-3 with Australia winning the chocolates in Africa.

CRAMP opener Phillip Hughes on the leg side, "because he wants room to slash you through the off side".

Cramp the left-hander, deny him room. Yawn. Who came up with that one? Keppler Wessels?

STACK the slips and bowl wide outside off stump to Ricky Ponting.

Dry lines to Ponting. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

USE Andrew Flintoff to bowl short at Mike Hussey.

Bouncers to Hussey. Shock. And. Snore.

DON'T expect much weakness from Mitchell Johnson apart from "a tendency to get down on himself at times".

We got nothing.

WATCH for Shane Watson.

Bandage Shane Watson, more like.

What a stupid article.

A GENTLEMAN OF COLOUR

Speaking of Ashley Mallett, gentlemen and colour, recall, if you will, John McGuire, Top Bloke:

Ashes of dark past

AFTER consistently being among the top scorers in Perth district cricket, John McGuire couldn't be denied a state trial any longer. When he reached 50 runs and was told to retire his wicket because "we've seen enough of you", he thought he'd earned his passage to the next level. He was wrong. In fact, McGuire never played for Western Australia, despite becoming the second highest run-scorer in the history of Perth club cricket.

"In that trial match he'd opened with Graeme Wood and good judges told me McGuire was every bit as good as Graeme, who played 50-odd Tests," former Test spinner Ashley Mallett says. "McGuire thought he was about to be picked for WA. But when I met him I realised why he wasn't picked - he was Aboriginal. I think he realised that was the reason. It was the old White Australia policy.

Via Normblog Geras, the Angriest Man on the Internet.

BETTER THAN SUSSEX?

Unfortunately for us here in the anty-podes, the Poms have flatly refused to move England (and Wales) into a favourable timezone. Therefore, with most of the Ashes tour happening in the middle of the night, the AGB won't be able to give it the both barrels we would if the series was here, of preferably in Sri Lanka, which is prime-time for TV cricket.

Not that we won't give it the old college try. For each match, starting with tonight's against Sussex, I plan to put up a post and... well, you know the drill by now.

Speaking of Sussex: quelle surprise! Watson is injured and Lee is talking up Lee. It's impossible not to feel sorry for Paper Cut. He can play... when he gets out there. To quote Terry Malloy from On The Waterfront: "He could have been someone." Not so The Slot. He talks a better game than he plays. Perhaps he should go into politics. If he somehow makes the Test XI and we subsequently blow the Ashes on the back of his lame bowling, I'll get quite mad. In all probability, I'll go quite mad.

And why are Sussex called The Sharks? I apologise if there are great schools of bitey fish circling the UK, but there seems to be more than a hint of the hipster publicist about the Sussex Sharks.

DECLINE AND FALL

The collapse of the Australian empire was a near certainty. Eventually, as Australia weakened and its enemies got their own houses - or academies - in order and learned from the Australians, Australia would be overrun. Or so the parallel goes:

WHY AUSTRALIANS (USUALLY) WIN AT CRICKET

History is absorbed before you think of it as history. Before I could read, my grandfather—a tough Yorkshireman and a serious cricketer—gave me his album of 1930s cricket cigarette cards. I spent as much time with them as with my first bat. It was the portraits of Australian batsmen that made the deepest impact. Staring at you from beneath their famous baggy green caps, they seemed unimpressed by anything, let alone this young Englishman. They had a look — resilient, cussed and self-reliant — that said there was a score to be settled. Don Bradman perfectly embodied this relentless hunger, but it ran deeper than him. There was a bloodline.

Thanks, Gaz.

SLOTTO

Tim Nielsen is in today's Fairfaxes talking up Brett Lee for the Ashes: "he is progressing well." That's talking up, right? Anyway, it must have escaped Nielsen that since The Slot injured his foot during the Melbourne Test Australia have looked a tighter bowling unit, winning three Tests while losing only one, a dead rubber. Also, a cursory check of the records would reveal Slot is the proverbial pie-chucker in England, where his Test average is a miserable 45.44, and on current exposed form, unlikely to go lower.

On the upside, get on board Slotto. You'd be in clover had you correctly picked the runs hit from each of Slot Lee's eight overs at the World T20.