After Grog Blog

OH, THE HUMANNEQUIN

Local warming:

Mannequins burn in Vic factory fire

Fire investigators will sift the wreckage of a mannequin factory in Melbourne looking for evidence of what caused the blaze that gutted the building.

OUT IN THE BLURBS

See if you can guess what is missing from this real estate blurb:

The Owner's Perspective

Serendipty means unexpected good luck. This best describes finding this house, living in it with our family and making it our home.

We purchased this property mainly because of its close proximity to the beach, quiet street, privacy and the fact that the home is low maintenance, solid, quality and character built. We have made only few improvements to the home including renovating the bathroom, building an outdoor deck and entertaining area and incorporating timber French doors for indoor/outdoor living.

We love the character of the home, its large areas and versatile floor plan. With the 3 bathrooms and the possibility of up to 6 bedrooms it is easy for 'all' the family to come, stay and indulge in the location.

This house is great for sharing BBQ's, dinner parties and celebrations with friends, as it is a fantastic entertaining house with lots of warmth, space, ambience and character. We have celebrated the family Christmas and numerous birthdays here including my daughter's birthday party with about 100 people and pony rides!

The houses' design and layout would suit busy families, young professionals, retired people and would even make the ideal holiday home as it is low maintenance. There is nothing to do, you can just move in and enjoy.

We will miss the unique character and substance of this home as well as the large open fire place on cosy nights.

No? Allow me: "We purchased the place in 2003. After six years we loved the place so much we sub-divided the block and built a double story McMansion right next door, right up to the fence line, right where the pony rides used to be. The new house is grouse. Come visit and you can wander upstairs to peer into your own living room."

DER

The corner of Gold Street and Alexandra Parade, Clifton Hill:

Couple of weeks ago:

Today on Google Streets. (Don't know when the view was captured):

CAMBUSH

A long time ago I worked with a fridgey who did service calls. Occasionally, while sitting home bored, or a bit light for cash since he was a wicked punter, he would ring up friends and ask them to call in faults on their air conditioning. Then, for a call-out fee of four hours double-time, he would reset a circuit breaker and be home quicker than Tubby Taylor can say "No wonder Fujitsu is Australia's Favourite Air."

The rort came to mind recently when I saw the 50 sign on Kilby Road, Kew East was missing.

It could be local oafs pinched the sign; it wouldn't be the first road sign that's adorned someone's pool room. But why let a little mischief get in the way of a good scandal.

Do you reckon the operator of the local speed camera, feeling the GFC pinch and needing a revenue boost, had the sign pinched? After all, it's at the bottom of a steepish hill, and the speed limit is still fifty. Surely in the months the sign has been gone they've nabbed a few unwitting speed merchants doing 54 or 55.

Not that I'm suggesting any malfeasance... oh, wait a tick.

THE INACCURATE ONES

Hands up those of you that thought I was gelding the lily, or telling a porky, when I wrote this back in 2003.

Now step forward for chastisement:

It was unforgettable: Bill not fitting the bill

BRAVELY venturing into the lion's den, Gretel Killeen is hosting the Logies on Sunday, the night of nights and fashion frights. Bill "Mr Movies" Collins, will be ushered into the Hall of Fame, bringing to mind the infamous "Bill Collins" interview on 3AW in 1992 that deserves its own place on the honour board. Greg Evans and Sam Newman were fill-in hosts on the brekkie shift and in a segment about TV, producer Jamie Wilczek, who went on to marry Ross Stevenson, got "Bill Collins" on the line. Evans, now a wedding celebrant and brekkie host at Shepparton's 3SR, chuckles when recalling that Mr Movies didn't know much about movies. When Newman asked his opinion about the Clint Eastwood flick Unforgiven winning the best-picture Oscar, Collins said: "The Unforgiven? I don't know - I've never seen the Unforgiven. I probably will go and see it." A stumped Evans said: "Bill, that surprises me. Do you normally wait for some time before you see the current movies? Collins: "Yeah, quite a while. It's a matter of finding a bit of spare time." The hosts cottoned on that something was wrong and an expletive was beeped out. Evans cracked up laughing, blurting: "Sam, you'd better take over." The Bill Collins on the line was the race caller - the Accurate One - and after numerous apologies, Newman asked: "The greyhounds, how are they going?" As they say in the movies, it's a classic.

THE WORST OF St KILDA

The Worst of Perth takes a lash at Melbourne's recent Festival of Barassi:

Barassi, dumbarse or plonker?

I wonder whether the ludicrous Melbourne press coverage of a 72 Year Old Ron Barassi making a dickhead of himself contributed to Operation Overkill here in Perth.

PIPE REALITY?

Remember my wish list?

Fat City

A tunnel that connects the Eastern Freeway at Clifton Hill to the Monash Freeway at Burnley. Heaps of people wanting to go from the south-east to the north and north-east (and vice versa) have to come into town, get off the Monash at Richmond and travel up Punt and Hoddle to the Eastern. Getting 'em off Punt Road and into a quicker tunnel has rock all to do with the fact that I live close to Punt Road, but that's a beneficial side-effect. Yes, I am aware there would be some duplication with a my Outer Link, but this is my pipe dream, so stick your objection up your gonga.

Well, after the mooting, the recommendation, the report, the concept, the proposal, the feasibility study, not to mention the unmentioned environmental impact/effects study, all the other studies, the pros and the cons get through the Department of Premier and Cabinet, the tunnel is, on balance, all go:

Tunnel mooted to fix Hoddle traffic

A FOUR-kilometre road tunnel from the MCG to the Eastern Freeway is among key recommendations in a report into fixing traffic jams on Hoddle Street, commissioned by the Brumby Government.

EXSQUEEZE ME

Merging.

Merging is a doddle.

Theoretically.

In reality, merging is a pain in the arse. Why? Because you've got to rely on the good graces of other drivers to let you in, instead of getting from A to B and occasionally even C, with virtually no interaction with other drivers.

Take today.

There I was turning left from the Eastern Freeway onto Chandler Highway where the Chandler goes from two lanes to one to cross the Yarra at Fairfield. Or is it Alphington?

Same as every morning, I pulled up at the give-way sign and waited and watched as several drivers crawled past, squeezing up as close as mechanically possible to the back of the car in front, pretending they couldn't see me. If they weren't feigning unawareness, they were furiously avoiding eye contact in case, God forbid, they felt obliged to let me in and lose the game they were playing in their head.

It's not as if I don't know what they are up to. I used do play the squeeze, too. But now, as a mature, considerate, altogether sanguine beasty behind the wheel, I pretty much always do the right thing. Just ask Boynton.

Anyway, some bloke eventually let me in, and it was up and over Heidelberg Road and onto the next challenge: Grange Road.

Grange is an aggravating carriageway. It's busy, but not a clear run because cars park on the left. If you're in the left lane you'll soon have to move right; and if you're in the centre lane you'll soon have to let someone in.

Today, I was in the left lane and ended up beside a car in the right with another close behind. Sorry, did I say close behind? I meant, firmly stuck in the boot of the car in front.

I could see the driver in my wing mirror, and I could see she could see me. She could also see the cars parked about 50 metres ahead. Nevertheless, I indicated my intent to move across. But was she going to let me in? Was she fvck. She wedged her car, a pissant Festiva, still further up the other car's arse.

Having enough of her nonsense I pulled right, forcing her to back off, thus making space for myself. In the mirror I could see her shaking her head at me, as if I was some pig ignorant fool who hadn't bothered to look before changing lanes. But I'd called her on it. I smiled, mouthed thank you and gave her a friendly wave. She didn't react. She was too busy squirming inside because she knew she'd lost her little game.

CARIE CELESTE

Friday afternoon we were driving west along Whitehorse Road, Balwyn, when we got stuck behind a very slow, very indecisive, very aggravating driver.

Or so we thought.

After several minutes wondering what the hell he or she was trying to do, creeping along, sort-of turning right, sort-of going straight ahead, sort-of not knowing what the fvck he or she was doing, we finally got a chance to duck into the left lane and give them a mouthful... I mean, politely pass by.

At about this time, though, the car took another swerve to the right and was all set to plough into an oncoming tram.

Coincidentally, it was also about the same time we realised there was not, in fact, anyone in the car.

Some clown must have left the handbrake off and the car had rolled down Whitehorse Road looking for an accident.

I made a half-hearted move to pull over and try and stop the car, but the cars behind started tooting me. So I had to continue on my way and never found out what happened. I've since kept an eye on the news, but there's been nothing.

Anyone heard anything?

VANN

STRANGE SUIT

If Billie Holiday was not dead, and instead was having lunch in the Heidelberg West Subway and happened to glance out the window, she would choke on her parmesan and oregano six-inch with extra chitlins.

BUSTED

You frock up, off to the races, a flutter, couple of drinkies, meet a nice policeman... and wake up the next day, probably hungover, to find yourself bawling, bent over, tits out and under arrest on the front page of the country's biggest selling daily newspaper.

Have a nice day.

Oaks Day off the rails with train chaos

PUBLIC Transport Minister Lynne Kosky has demanded a full inquiry after thousands of furious Oaks Day racegoers were stranded yesterday.

Trains between Flemington and the city failed and tens of thousands more people had peak-hour trips home thrown into chaos, with the same overhead power line fault disrupting services on the Craigieburn, Sydenham and Upfield lines.

WILL I?

I will:

$10m battle of wills

A bitter $10 million family feud has erupted over the will of one of Melbourne's most prominent surgeons.

...

Daughter Cathy, who lives in the US, said she was upset the dispersal of assets went against her mother's wishes.

"I'm glad she's not alive to see this. It would have killed her."

WHAT WE GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMEMORATE

Who said newsreaders were thick?

Ernie Sigley: "What was your favourite Paul Newman film?"

David Armstrong: "Bullitt."

That will be news to car chase affycondos everywhere. There followed some chat about why it didn't matter that Armstrong was wrong. No point admitting that the 3AW newsy probably had no idea about Newman's films and was either one) guessing, or two) making it up... or three) both. Newsreaders should steer well clear of that folksy fakesy media banter.

KEEPING DOWN WITH THE JONESES

Poor little poor girl:

No "huge garden". An "above-ground pool". Allowed to play tennis by "the rich people". Tough break. Not to mention the work-house horrors of growing up in a stately Victorian home in Hawthorn. Rudd and Turnbull have a lot to answer for, starting an alms-race with their living in cars and rented accommodation.

It used to be bad form to boast about how rich you are, but it was just as bad form to go on about how poor you were. Or so our maid and gardener would often argue.

HIGH-PANTS MAN

"I love your wedgies."

~~ Jim, in the guest book of a Warrandyte café.

SAUSAGE STROLL

This picture, taken at Southbank, has got to be photo-shopped. No one carries plastic bags anymore.

C CHANGE

Speaking of country matters, the picture below appeared in the most recent Melbourne Magazine, that glossy trendoid rag in the Age. Where is this arcadian panorama? Well, appearances can be receptive. It's not an idyllic Victorian country town; it's not even Taralgon. The photo, taken (probably) from one of the converted warehouse apartments off Smith Street, captures, in all its bucolic splendour, the Collingwood town hall, Studley Park, Kew and the Dandenongs... at Balwyn! Who knew a mountain range was so close to central Melbourne.

PASS BANDIT

The Herald Sun subbies passed. But we know what they really wanted to write:

THE MOON'S A BALLOON