After Grog Blog

BETTER LATE THAN SOBER

Fev seems to be taking his move to Brisbane seriously, judging by this article in Brisbane's own Courier Mail:

Brendan Fevola's early run

BRENDAN Fevola has completed a week of secret personal training before his departure from Melbourne today to start the pre-season with the Brisbane Lions.

• to have himself in the best possible condition to start his new football life
• desperate to make the most of his new start with the Lions
• wanted to get something under his belt before he went up there
• very keen to get up there and hit the ground running
• fully fit from day one
• wants to let his footy do the talking for the rest of his career
• could not wait to start pre-season with the Lions tomorrow

Seems to be.

Fev's zeal to kick things off on the right foot, as championed by the Courier, is at odds with the following rumour:

Fev was due to catch a flight Sunday morning up to Brisbane however missed the flight. On the sauce with the Carlton boys Sat’dy night.

At least he got something under his belt before he went up there, and was full from day one.

GNOMIES 2009

Back by popular remand to build upon the outstanding success that was the 2008 Gnomies: The Melbourne Football Club Football Club awards night extravaganza that is The 2009 Gnomies!

This year with red and blue carpet; black suits with pointy white shoes: exclusive Youtube footage of Brent Moloney repeatedly thumping team-mates who won't sing the club song with enough gusto; and Sandy Roberts asking Tiger Woods whether he would like to meet Liam Jurrah. ("Of course I would.")

And now, without further undo, it's over to my brother, RT:

The Sir Robert Flower Best & Fairest Award – we all know. Was the pundits choice and he has pretty much sealed the difficult transformation from opportunistic, elusive forward to influential, creative on-baller. Can break a play open with his delivery and could well be our next and first ever indigenous captain. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves, one decent season with a few flashy ones preceding does not a Sir Robert Flower make. We’ve got him for 4 more, so blaze on Aaron and create your own Demon legend.

The Allen Jakovich Best First Year Player Award – Liam Jurrah. Got a fair touch of the Jakos, a walking highlight reel. As someone else said when looking at some footage of him “he just makes me smile whenever I see him in action”.

The Guy Rigoni Biggest Surprise Packet Award – Bennell / Jetta double act. At picks 35 and 51 not much if anything expected 1st year but 15 or 16 games each in their first season were well over the odds. Bennell in the first half of the season, Jetta in the second. Cheney also surprised.

The Andrew Leoncelli Most Improved Award – James Frawley. I suppose being a 1st Round pick we had hoped he was a potential star but showed it’s not “hoped” but “definitely should”. Last round versus Reiwoldt was a great indicator. Played him beautifully. Jamar actually could have challenged for the award if he’d played more than 7 games, we’ve certainly called off the dump truck for him.

The Brent Grgic Most Disappointing Award – Paul Johnson. Had the first ruck there for the taking with Jamar, Meesen and Spencer all injured at various times. As we’ve said during the season, he should never handball, he should just head the ball given the turnover rate.

The Paul Hopgood Effort Award – Ricky Petterd. The guy has guts. Or no brains. That pack mark he took vs the Tigers and then sealed with a crucial goal was superb stuff. He could go either way next year but would be some story if he propers given the ’07 season lung buster.

The Stephen Tingay Young Player Potential Award – Stef Martin. His pick up, swivel round a player, then goal against Essendon showed he’s no dud ex-basketball klutz. He has the pace, height and importantly agility to worry plenty of sides. Disposal the key improvement factor with him.

The Glenn Lovett Established Player But Could Be A Superstar Award – Colin Sylvia. Some genuine glimpses of real Pick # 3 class. Multiple sweet 65m kicks right thru the centre of the goals mixed in with great link play. Just stay out of the drip trays thanks Col.

The Jeff Farmer Demons Goal Of The Year Award - Liam...over the head for 30m if you don’t mind.

The Shaun Smith Demons Mark Of The Year Award – Liam... one hander in Canberra sticks in the memory. Mainly because I was there in sub zero temp. But there were about 3 freaky ones and only 9 games in.

The Jeremy Nichols Blink And You’ll Miss Him Award – Rohan Bail. May be proved wrong but he could go back to Qld saying “I played one AFL game, got one kick, last one minute”. Who else can say that?!

The Nick Smith X-Factor Award – Simon Buckley. X-Factored himself right off the list. Hope he doesn’t come back to haunt us.

The Anthony Ingerson Older Player But Keep On List Until He Claps Out Award – Brad Green. Could well still play for a couple of years, as opposed to Junior and Bruce. Delivery always top notch, has steadily improved his workrate around the ground and tough in the clinches. Could also go back to the forward line as he hits his 30’s.

The Darren Cuthbertson Frustration Award – Michael Newton. 2nd year running. It’s safe to say he is Trans not On The Beach. He’s burning so slow, he’s out of lighter fluid. Hard to justify playing so many Casey games when plenty are being gifted Red and Blue jerseys.

The Darren Kowal Designated Kicker Out From Goal Award – who did do it this year? At least Trav is out of the picture and now trying to thread an impossible pass of a metho bottle thru his hobo mates only for it to land in the campfire and explode.

Spoon not a valid indictor. Ten times better than the woeful Tigers. Almost would have passed Freo and possibly the Kangas with the tanking lights off.

I saw a win! Weagles Rd 14.

Roll on Scully and Trengove.

Viewer awards section. Your input matters:

The Barry Norsworthy Keep Training Around The Outside of the MCG in the Vain Hope They May Call You Back Inside Award - '09 - Wobbo. No ability to keep your feet and / or apply defensive pressure in the forward line unfortunately makes you wedunant in the modern game. Let's see Garland do a Scarlett and snaffle 30 touches on him against the Blues.

POINTS OF ORDER

Good article by Tim Lane in yesterday's Age:

No stopping video umpire genie once it escapes the TV box

We saw, on the television, Tom Hawkins' kick brush the goalpost, so we know the goal umpire made an error in awarding a goal. The use of a video umpire would have overcome the problem. And had Geelong won the grand final by five points or less, the problem would have been catastrophic.

At the risk of further rubbing salt into StKilda wounds, there has been a key point missing in the continual revisiting of the Hawkins poster: it wasn't a five points or less situation; it was an eleven points or less situation.

Allow me to 'splain.

Hawkins hit the post. (Anyone notice the bizarre way he kicked the ball? Leg high, stiff and swinging sideways, as if he was trying to clear a ledge.) Goal given. One point increase becomes five. Then. The ball goes back to the centre. Geelong get another goal. Eleven point increase. It is reasonable to assume that, had St Kilda been awarded a kick-out, as they should have, they would have maintained possession of the ball and Geelong would not have kicked the second goal.

Fast forward.

Max Rooke marks on the final siren. The Saints players pull the pin. Rooke, with no one on the mark, dribbles through a goal. Geelong wins by 12 points.

Had the earlier mistake not occurred, and Geelong were five points behind instead of six points in front, Rooke would have been kicking for the win, with players on the mark, and the game on the line. He would not have been able to casually turn a six point win into a twelve point win.

Glad I got that off my chest.

TWELVE ANGRY MEN (AND WOMEN)

The court of public opinion has passed judgement on the following rumours:

1. Punched out Marc Murphy;
2. Pushed Rebecca Twigley to the ground when she tried to stop him attacking a security guard;
3. Sexually harassed a female journalist;
4. Was involved in an incident with Bryce Gibbs' girlfriend which left her in tears;
5. Put Adrian Anderson in a headlock (along with James Brayshaw);
6. Abused Warren Tredrea, and other high standing opposition players/officials;
7. Swore/abused Chris Judd repeatedly when he attempted to have words to him;
8. Exposed himself to Rebecca Twigley, asking her for oral favours;
9. Punched a Channel 9 producer;
10. Felt up Demetriou's wife;
11. Told Stephen Kernahan to f**k off when Stix told him to go home;
12. Kept stepping on the hem of the Twig's dress, hoping to expose her, ahem, upper torso.

CLUNKS FOR THE MEMORIES

The Grand Final "entertainment": keeping you regular since 1977.

• 1977: Barry Crocker.
• 1978: Keith Michell.
• 1979: Mike Brady & John Farnham.
• 1980: Peter Allen.
• 1981: Jon English.
• 1982: Rolf Harris.
• 1983: Glenn Shorrock.
• 1984: Slim Dusty.
• 1985: Diana Trask.
• 1986: Olivia Newton-John.
• 1987: Daryl Somers.
• 1988: Noel Watson.
• 1989: John Farnham.
• 1990: Normie Rowe.
• 1991: Daryl Braithwaite and Angry Anderson.
• 1992: Joan Carden.
• 1993: Maroochy Barambah, Archie Roach & Yothu Yindi.
• 1994: The Seekers & Debra Byrne.
• 1995: Tina Arena.
• 1996; A collection of past singers.
• 1997: Scott Robert Little.
• 1998: Mark Seymour, Rob Guest, Jane Scali and Michael Cormick.
• 1999: Human Nature.
• 2000: The Idea of North, Trish Delaney-Brown, Megan Corson, Andrew Piper and Nick Begie, Mike Brady, Russell Morris and Rick Price.
• 2001: Vanessa Amorosi.
• 2002: Killing Heidi, The Whitlams, Kate Ceberano, The Human Tide and Mark Seymour.
• 2003: Christine Anu, Gorgi Quill, the Australian idols. 2004: Guy Sebastian, The Ten Tenors and Davis Hobson.
• 2005: Silvie Paladino, Delta Goodrem, Michael Buble and Dame Edna Everage.
• 2006: Brian Mannix, John Paul Young, Sean Kelly, Daryl Braithwaite, Shane Howard, Irene Cara and Young Divas.
• 2007: Natalie Bassingthwaighte and Jet.
• 2008: Powderfinger, Ian Moss, Lucy Durack and Amanda Harrison.
• 2009: Jimmy Barnes, Mark Seymour, The Jersey Boys.

DISCHARGE YOUR GLASSES

You've heard the congratulatory phrase "Give it up for So-and-So". So, here's a variation:

"Can I just say, you gotta give your hands off."

~~ Mark Stone, SEN, Port Melbourne v Box Hill

The work experience team of Mark Stone, Tony Schibeci and Mark Franklin won't be winning any footy media awards. But you never know, it's not as if there is great depth of talent covering our footy.

Seven's Friday night team of McAveney, Cometti, Buckley & Matthews has been terrific since they ironed out the kinks last year. Pity about The Delay. And their Sunday afternoon call has always been a fun filled affair.

ABC radio pulled me away from 3AW and SEN and ended the season as my preferred broadcast. Even with Howdy Doody Drew's 1970s stylings.

MMM is footy for teenage boys.

Ten aims about ten years higher: footy for 20-something boys.

Meanwhile, at Foxtel:

3AW Football gonged at AFMA awards

Gerard Healy: Best Special Commentator – Television

Dwayne Russell: Best Football Caller – Television

Dwayne is a hipster smartarse. You'd think that after saying "It doesn't get any better than that" for the 100th time he'd twig to the inherent flaw in the the previous 99 instances. Chuck in "the paint" which is unfortunately catching on, and "gives it some sky" which is close to the most aggravating phrase I've heard in sport, especially the way Dwayne scrapes it across your ears, and you have one irritating commentator.

Dwayne must have picked up votes by comparison. I mean, while Healy is passable despite style over substance concerns, the commentary of Danny Frawley and Glen Jakovich is completely dreadful. It doesn't get any worse than that.

Richard Hinds:

Lessons in the footy ratings

MAYBE it was during a particularly frenetic moment in a game when a football caller's scream could be heard above a passing 747, yet it was impossible for the listener to discern what was happening outside the commentary box.

PSST! HOW MUCH?

... did the "unusual blue carpet gown" cost?

I looked fantastic

SHE has been nicknamed Flash Gordon for her daring Brownlow frock, but Melbourne socialite Brynne Gordon is standing by her unusual blue carpet gown.

Gordon, 26, the fiancee of controversial medico Geoffrey Edelsten, made a jaw-dropping fashion statement in the plunging, black, sheer, beaded, showgirl ensemble, complete with Swarovski Crystal-encrusted bra, at the footy gala on Monday.

While the outfit came in for heavy criticism from talkback listeners and website readers, Gordon said she loved the frock, by US label Nurielle. "I loved what I was wearing. I felt beautiful," she said yesterday.

FIRKIN 'ELL

Elsewhere: What would happen if you gave this answer?

Katherine Firkin (Confidential reporter): "That is absolutely stunning; you look beautiful tonight. What do you think, Scott?"

Scott Pendlebury: "Urr, yeah, tops last year, for sure."

SAY IT AIN'T SO, JOE

Votey Voteless Joe Bordanaro:

Video shows footy player tampering with best-and-fairest count

A COUNTRY footy champ has been rubbed out for five years after a sting discovered he was rigging the votes in a best-and-fairest count.

Mirboo North star Joe Bordanaro, a three-time league B & F winner, was sensationally exposed on video tape on Channel Nine news last night as he raided offices where the votes are kept.

Calling Joe a "country footy champ" (and reserves player, at that) makes about as much sense as calling the Spanish Paralympic basketball team "champs" after they faked being disabled.

"IT AIN'T SO"

Player caught tampering with umpire votes

Bordonaro last night contacted The Age through his lawyer, Garry Woodhams, to say that he’d done nothing wrong and that he would be lodging an appeal against his suspension today.

Which leaves the crucial question unanswered: is it Bordanaro or Bordonaro?

SHABAAB AL MAGPIES

BEYOND BLOOPER

Anyone see the presentation of the trophy after today's Geelong vs. Hawthorn game? To paraphrase:

Andrew Maher: "Cam, how does it feel to do your bit for cancer research?"

Cameron Ling: "Depression, actually. Beyond Blue."

A sloppy gaffe with even sloppier timing.

FWIW

"NFI."

TONGUE IN SNEAK?

Now, this is just a bit sneaky:

"Possibly the biggest home and away match in the history of the AFL."

Gerard Healy, On The Couch

Really, Healy?

He was, of course, whipping up to within an inch of its frenzy, this week's Gee Long v Saint Kilda match at Jihad.

Such a claim, when taken with a grain of pepper, is bold. I mean, the biggest game since 1897 - depending on whose calendar you use, 112 years for some, 113 years for the AFL who celebrated their 100th anniversary in 1996 - is a big statement, even for a Big Statement.

Today you can put your hard earned magic beans on the fact assorted nuffies are out there passing on Healy's spin: "Didja see On The Couch last night? Dude! Gerard Healy said the match is the biggest home and away match, like, ever!"

The thing is, despite Healy's obvious intention to give the impression it's the biggest game since 1897 - "history" is the giveaway: no one thinks of 1990 as "history", it's simply 19 years ago - were he quizzed he could always don his smug face and say: "Well, actually, the AFL has only been going since 1990, 1997 in its current form, if you want to be pedantic."

So, if anyone asks you to rate this week's match give them the big sell: "It's the biggest home and away match since 1997, as far as I'm aware."

AIR JURRAH

WILLY DICKLESS

Can't let Brad Dick hog all the jokes:

Transsexual takes to the footy field

LIKE many young Victorian males, Will loves his footy. He dreams of joining the thousands of men who lace up their boots every weekend and play in amateur competitions. He's just like them in every way but one — he was born female.

BRIAN TOLD ME

"Barry Hall on Staker was the biggest hit in the history of the game."

~~ Brian Taylor, AFL Teams.

Before you let fly.

If, by "biggest hit", BT means "biggest punch in the face shown on television in the AFL/VFL", and not any of the countless "biggest hits" in country and suburban footy, he might be somewhere in the vicinity of large scale biggest hittery.

If he means "biggest hit" as in massive shit-mixer, then he's talking through his moustache. Think back through the history of the caper: the elbows, Stan Magro on Alex Jesaulenko; the swinging arms, Rodney Grinter on Terry Wallace; the shirt fronts, Ray Card on Keith Greig; the iconic misses, Robbie Muir on Dennis Collins; the Lethal Leighs, any of Leigh Matthews' assassinations of various opponents, including his hit on Neville Bruns which attracted police attention. And that's just the VFL/AFL back to the 1970s. The VFL became a blood sport long before then. And doubtless there were numerous "biggest hits" in the SANFL and WAFL.

BELINDA NEIL

Remember this?

BELINDA NEIL?

Was Neil Mitchell doing a Belinda Neal?

"Do you know who I am?"

Well, now read this:

COLIN Sylvia would like to set the record straight on one final matter: he does know who the Prime Minister is.

Sylvia phoned 3AW radio host Neil Mitchell in April as part of a club campaign to re-sign lapsed members, and Mitchell was bemused to find that Sylvia had never heard of him or his station. He recounted their conversation on his program, saying that when he'd told the footballer to tune in and listen his interview with the PM the following day, Sylvia had said: 'So you'll be talking to John Howard?'

Sylvia suggested Mitchell hadn't given him a entirely fair run. "I think he was a bit offended I didn't know who he was," he smiled. "He told me he was having the Prime Minister on, and just off the top of my mind I said: 'Oh, Johnny Howard'. But I corrected myself in about two seconds, I said, 'I mean Kevin Rudd, sorry mate,' and we had a bit of a chuckle and a laugh.

(Emma Quayle, the Sunday Age, as part of this fine article.)

BIG CALL

"Whelan, had his hands full with Dick."

~~ Tim Lane, Channel 10, 3rd quarter, Melbourne v Collingwood

Brad Dick.

BACKFLIP THE BIRD

Preserved here for posterior is Ben Cousins' textbook backflip.

Monday:

It was all in fun

I'VE done enough pre-scripted apologies to last a lifetime. This isn't going to be one of them.

The footage of me raising the finger at the change room camera was filmed an hour and three quarters before the game.

I wasn't angry. I wasn't frustrated. It wasn't a message to the world.

I wasn't smiling, I know that, but it was a form of acting. A bit of fun that some people have taken out of context.

Wednesday:

Cousins apologises

"I met with the club this morning and have accepted their fine," Cousins said.

"I apologised for raising my finger and explained that it was not a gesture I ever thought would go to air.

"I hadn't seen the footage until Monday afternoon and wasn't aware of my facial expression. Once I viewed the footage I realised why the public, the AFL and the Richmond Football Club were offended by my actions."

No word on whether it was a pre-scripted apology.

Elsewhere, the Tiges' assistant coach David King reveals that Cousins needs to concentrate not to make a dick of himself:

"Ben's been great, and this was just a lapse of concentration."

Fair point. Yesterday, I was walking down the street concentrating on not pulling my pants down.

Last word - paraphrased - to the Cousins camp:

"The changing rooms are the inner sanctum and are sacrosanct."

Actually, second last. Greg Baum puts Channel Ten in the frame:

The real villain is Channel Ten

IF BEN Cousins is to hang, at least let it be for a hanging offence. Cousins' gesture in flipping the bird, so-called, to an unmanned television camera in the Subiaco changerooms on Saturday night has gone to all the usual courts: the AFL, his club's leadership group, the media and public opinion.

KICK THE PUNT

It took David Schwarz another three years to kick his gambling addiction after the horror story below, and doubtless there were many other similar nightmares. But at least he finally did kick it, and more power to him.

A Demon for the punt

VICTORIA Derby day 2002 could have been a defining moment in the life of former AFL star David Schwarz. Unfortunately it wasn't.

Schwarz had just retired after a remarkable 173-game career for Melbourne and was intent on becoming a professional punter.

While many footballers consider Derby day a social occasion, Schwarz was very much caught up in the gambling side of the afternoon.

As he stood in the betting ring and watched Choisir race away to win the L'Oreal Plate he was feeling very content. He had just had $25,000 each-way on Choisir at 5-1.

But his joy was shortlived. Protests by the third and second placegetters were upheld, leaving Schwarz $50,000 out of pocket because, as there were only seven starters, there was no dividend for third place.

OFF-BEAT-UP

While the world's media outlets are busy whipping up the their latest issues do jour, the UK Telegraph is the one great font of perspective:

Top 10 off-beat sports blogs

There are bound to be blogs out there worthy of a mention in this top 10. So if you know of any, do leave a comment. But for now, here goes:

1. After Grog Blog

Fine Australian blog which has amusing section on cricket. A must to dip into when the Ashes is on. Tags itself as "Fruit for the sightscreen."