SUCKERS TO BE PUNCHED

Going by orthodox wisdom Australia are gawn. Haven't won in ages, injuries galore, bowlers couldn't hit the front of a sightscreen, can't defend, fielding is sloppy, Yarprica on a roll, Engerland full of confidence, Un Zud hooped on cock. It all adds up to a combination of crisis, panic stations, disarray, trouble AND strife.

To listen to the pundits' flack you'd think Australia had lost each match by an innings. Geese. Australia have merely refused to show their hand through a tedious series of slightly strenuous practice matches in which key players have been rested and possibles trialled, thus lulling their too-quick-to-gloat adversaries into a lethal trap. Come in spinners.

Did no one see the smiles on the Aussie faces as the Kiwis went the tonk in the Chadlee? Sure, they would have liked to win, who doesn't. But did they really care? Is the Pope a German. I mean, who can take Craig McMillan seriously when it matters? Those were the cheery - and not even slightly embarrassed - smiles of sportsmen quietly confident their plans were about to bear fruition.

It will be satisfying indeed when Sorth Efrica shit themselves in the semi final; NZ have their usual overexpectations deflated by an outsider; and England fail to get out of the group stage, dudded by too many reverse sweeps.

A poll: What is your favourite sucker punch?

a) Paullus & Varro pumped at Cannae
b) Crassus crushed at Carrhae
c) Boss Hogg duped by the Dukes at Hazzard County
d) Cricket dopes roped by Aussies at Windia

Comments

[Tony.T]

I take it no one agrees.

You are swine.

[Bruce]

Third man and Fine leg inside the circle may have to be rethought.

Do I have to choose just one? History will be the judge of d)

[SaggyGreen]

Dean Jones.

[SaggyGreen]

Sorry, that's my default answer when I don't understand the question. Works a charm in pubtrivia. Although, I did just have a flashback to Rosco P. Coletrane.

[Scott Wickstein]

Speaking of matters Roman, are you watching Rome series 2?

[nick]

Obviously, the loss of Australia's number 1 ranked player, Warnie, before the 03 World Cup was such a screaming success that Buckman is emulating it for 07.

[nick]

Back to reality though. Favourite sucker punch? Bickley vs Wakelin in Showdown 12.

[Adsy]

Just hope R.T Ponting is not like a certain M.L Crassus, just for Australia's sake.

Although a nice drink of pure molten gold never hurt anyone.

[Tony.T]

Hasn't Martin Johnson heard the old adage? "He who gloats last gloats gloatiest."

Aussies lose their magic

Distressing news from the colonies. The most self-effacing cricket team in the world, who have never been known to gloat, and whose dearest concern is the health of the international game in general (sample quote: "we're desperate for someone to give us a decent contest") have suddenly contracted a bout of vertigo. There are many satisfying sounds in sport, but not many come close to matching the splat of an Australian cricket side plummeting from their preening perch.

[brownie]

My favourite sucker punch was 1983 when J.M.Fraser, thinking he would easily beat Bill Hayden, called an election on the same day that Labor dumped Hayden and called Hawkie to the bat.

Of course, having said that, I would prefer anyday, to be a friend of JMF than a friend of RJH. Mal just had incompetent advisors.

[Tony.T]

If you are a friend of RJLH, Brownie, you get to bask in the aura of his suntan.

[woody]

As someone who actually fought at Cannae I would have to nominate Varro. What a tool. We reverse spun the cavalry, played a straight bat with the infantry and used the Gauls during the powerplay.

50,000 Roman dead, a field soaked in blood and Bill Lawry on commentary. Great days.

Tone, disregard old Jonners of the Telegraph - he's a fat twat with a disreputable beard. Simon Barnes is the man.

[murph]

As a person who has never voted Labor in his life (only Libs and Nats), I can say without question, that RJLH pisses all over JMF. JMF is the worst Prime Minister in this country's history.

But what about EGW, I hear you say! Everyone knew what they were going to get with EGW, and if they didn't, they were stupid. The Australian electorate voted for JMF, because they wanted him to roll back EGW's legacy. He didn't and we're still going today.

[murph]

Now. Back to normal programming.

If I had to put my house on it: Australia all the way.

[James Dudek]

Marc Anthony & Octavian vs Brutus & Cassius

[Scott Wickstein]

Crassus wasn't the first Roman to imbibe in hot drinks either. Manius Aquillus imbibed about 20 years beforehand.

[Tony.T]

James: I thought of including Philippi, but felt, on balance, that would have upset the delicate balance of my joke vis-a-vis the Dukes o' Hazzard. You'll agree, no doubt.

Oh Cassius, Brutus gave the word too early;
Who, having some advantage on Octavius,
Took it too eagerly: his soldiers fell to spoil,
Whilst we by Antony are all enclose-ed

[Tony.T]

If you go by Malcolm Conn, we're gawn.

Humiliated attack can't win the cup

LIKE a good horror story?

Simply take a look at the figures for the disastrous Chappell-Hadlee Trophy and try to figure out how a bowling attack that was put to the sword so completely can possibly defend Australia's World Cup crown?

On present indications it has no hope. If Brett Lee cannot recover in time from a serious ankle injury, and he remains in grave doubt, then the attack that was humiliated by New Zealand during the past week will be the same one fronting up in the Caribbean during the next two months.

Unlike the batting, which was missing four of the top five players in the order, the bowling has no such excuses.

[Tony.T]

I prefer Buchanan's assessment. At least, I want to prefer it:

Losing was just 'fine-tuning'

Australia coach John Buchanan insists the sky is not falling in and that the focus of the past two series has been about fine-tuning plans for the World Cup.

"The last few games have shown us where the holes in the balloon might be and that's an upside in terms of us going to the World Cup. I'm sure all of us would rather know now, rather than find them out when we got there," Buchanan said.

[Bruce]

The location of the holes is rather self-evident.
Filling said holes is the bit that has me a bit worried. I don't see anything so far to make me think there are the patches and rubber cement required to fix the balloon.

[Tony.T]

We could try an old vulcanizing kit, although I was never able to make one work properly.

Even things up by giving the batsmen polyarmoured bats.

Better still - terryarmoured bats.

[Vindicate]

I for one will not be panicking until we lose the WC, true enough our side wot fronted the sheep-enjoyers got walloped into history but I reckon bringing back Punter will make all the difference. Shameless is a fine batsman but too nice a bloke to be captain I reckon, he just doesn't have that "cunt" streak in him.

Oh, and for anyone who mentioned Punter being a shit captain in the past, please go and top yourselves now thanks - a 77% success rate can't be too far wrong.

[Yorkshire Soul]

Your lot are still a great side, but we are enjoying your current lack of form.

[Tony.T]

V: I, for one, still maintain failing to defend 300+ four times is an aberation. On the surface the results would suggest we're absolutely dreadful. I just don't, CANNOT!, buy that.

Y: Dunno about great side. We're just not as awful as recent results indicate. And you're not enjoying our current lack of form half as much as I'm not.

[Russ]

Tony, it is worth remembering that in order to fail to defend 300+ four times, a team must score 300+ four times.

Mostly though, the approach is all wrong. We get early wickets then bowl our part-timers against new batsmen with a spread field, letting them settle, letting the innings flow. It's complete bullshit.

There is no point anymore in saving bowlers for the end. Teams don't bat like that. They attack early and often, to finish the game as early as possible. The quicks get smacked around just as easily at the death - if not more so. Captains should be bowling their best out by the 40th over, keep the field up to take wickets, and then hope they've done enough.

And Australia needs to field better.

[Steve]

I'm putting a tenner on Sorth Efrica Tone. I don't want 'em to win, but I've got a nagging suspicion they've come good at the right time.

[Tony.T]

I agree, Steve, as much as it pains me to say it.

Sure, Australia are arrogant in the way they go about the caper, but at least we are arrogant as winners. Under Smuthy, Sorth Efrica are arrogant even when they are losing.

It won't be easy watching him lift the trophy. Here's hoping for another semi-final choke.

[Thomas]

Wien ist mir im moment zu distanziert... Dann will ich dir wenigstens auf diesem wege meine lieben grube zukommen lassen!!! :)

[Tony T.]

"Vienna is too far away for me at the moment"??

"But at least I want you to come back to my dear pit"??

My dear dear pit? You're not Welsh, are you?

By the way, I took out all the links and your email address.

[Tony.T]

Shut up, Coxy.