NUMB3RS RACKET

I like maths. Doesn't everyone? Trigonometry, algebra, calculus - it's all good. A matrix filled with complex combinations is like a big puzzle. Balls to your SuDoKu flannel - any idiot can crunch those fuckers. Proper satistfaction is resolving a juicy great matrix. Mind you, just one pissant sign-error and you're ripping up the page in fury. Not quite acceptable exam technique, I was once cautioned.

Still, I'm no guru, just a plodder, so I'm not about to shit-can out of hand the TV show Numb3rs. In this show two brothers, Don the FBI agent and Charlie the math braniac, solve all manner of LA mayhem with a blackboard full of squiggles. (Sometimes they even get to use those flash see-through boards only found on telly.) It's a sexy concept, for sure, but sometimes:

-- "Charlie, we're stumped. Please help us find the killer."

-- "Sure, Don, I can try. Where was the body found?"

-- "Culver City."

-- "CC, ahhh ... "

[Scribbles on blackboard]

-- "And how did he die?"

-- "Shot."

-- "Pistol or rifle?"

-- "Pistol. Gluck Pi 345 Ultraheadblaster."

-- "Damn!"

[Erases two triangles and a doodad]

-- "Area of shooting zone?"

-- "Three-point-six square miles."

-- "Address?"

-- "Duquesne and Braddock."

-- "Uh huh."

[Doohickey over whatsit]

-- "Much traffic?"

-- "One bus, one pimped-up Lincoln Continental and a yellow cab."

-- "No caravans?"

-- "Not one."

-- "You sure?

-- "Positive."

-- "The cab driver then? Hispanic, right?"

-- "How did you know?"

-- "All the signs point that way."

[Chalk sneeze]

-- "And the weather?"

-- "Cumulonimbus over Venice Beach."

-- "That makes sense. The killer lives in Inglewood."

-- "Charlie! There are 68,000 people there. Can't you narrow it down?"

-- "Possibly. Are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE there wasn't a caravan?"

-- "Let me check."

[Grabs bulging case file]

-- "Oh, wait! How could I have missed this? Yes, there was a caravan."

-- "Donnnnn! I wish you'd told me that earlier."

-- "Well, ex-ca-uuuze me!"

-- "Do apologize."

[One last squiggle]

-- "The killer is in a diner at La Brea and Florence."

-- "You sure?"

-- "Yep. He's eating a tuna-fish bagel."

-- "Astounding, Charlie. Excuse me if I appear a little sceptical."

-- "Math doesn't lie, Don."

-- "Don't be so smug."

-- "And his name is Bob."

Indeed, a little sceptical.

As far as the rest of the show is concerned, it's ok. But Rob Morrow (Don) always seems miscast. David Krumholtz (Charlie) was better in Ice Storm sucking on a bong with Spiderman. And Judd Hirsh (Dad) can't seem to work out whether he's in Taxi or Ordinary People. His role is crap but he's probably here because he brought Hollywood math from A Beautiful Mind.

Comments

[Tony.T]

Yes, I am aware I wrote MATH but only when I was referring to AMERICAN. (Nyuk. Nyuk.)

[Rachy]

that has got to be one of THE most painful shows on television, I've tried to watch it a couple of times but found it preferable to begin stabbing my eyes out with toothpicks

[vague]

I agree with Rachy--though I must say the worst part about it is how Charlie's hair grows exponentially more greasy with each episode. Draw a squiggle to solve that one, math boy!

[carneagles]

Don't talk to me about maths, maths boy. I've just struggled through Cryptonomicon, and I still don't know why some guy would write a book with the sole intention of making me feel borderline retarded.

[Tony.T]

The TPs would do the job, but I don't find the show THAT bad. More like it's worth the occasional bang of the back of the skull on the wall. And it's not just his hair, but his skin, too. Slip-err-ryy. And what about his nerdlinger pal? Let's stereotype boffins, shall we. His girly assistant, though, the one with all the quick-stix answers - how come there are no glamorous braniacs like her at my college? Cryptonomicon sounds more like a book about counting the dead than a book about ... umm ... whatever the hell it's about.

[carneagles]

Cryptography. Lots of numbers doing interesting tricks.

[Tony.T]

For increased authenticity it should be written in code.

[anne]

Ooh. Spooky. Kinda.

[carneagles]

I'm not completely convinced it wasn't.

[Tony.T]

The word you are looking for, Anne, is spookish.

Cryptonomicon is vintage Stephenson from start to finish: short on plot, but long on detail so precise it's exhausting.

I got exhausted reading the review. On the comedy relief side of things - Enoch Root is a funny name.

[nick]

Cryptonomicon - great book, but HUGE plot hole in the middle, which the author (who doesn't answer emails as a matter of principle) won't enlighten me about 8-(

help

[CB]

What gets my goat is the tactical scenes. Arithmatickle me, the next time I see some pleb 'slicing the pie' as if it's some form of quadratic, I'm just gonna shoot the teev, Elvis-style.

And why is the least protected member of the recovery team always at the front giving the orders? The odds suggest that in over 50% of forced building entries with armed teams, the first dude in gets it. Usually badly. So yeah, put hero boy up the front with the chick. Makes for an easy target.

[nick]

Num3ers (sp?) is complete bollocks. I'll just turn up to work tomorrow. Look, I've got two bachelors degrees in Medicine and Surgery, but my brother, who has a degree in Pure Maths, is going to solve your problem because I can't. I will be retiring later this week to to lack of clientele. QED.

[nick]

'due to' even 8-(

[Russell Allen]

Maths is like, you know, totally awesome. Numbers thought is American pish. Like there is someone in America that can add up...as if!

[hungbunny]

Numb3rs? With a 3? Has Arlington got something to do with it?

[James Dudek]

Look for Charlie's cameo appearance in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

[Felix]

Loosen up and don't take the show too seriously.

I did pure math at college, and I think Numb3rs is fun. It nearly always has at least one or two intelligent things to say.

Charlie and Don are a bit stereotypical. Their Dad is less so. But the best character is Prof Fleinhardt.

[Wicking]

I'm desperate for a show about a crime-solving real estate agent. Each week he'd be trying to sell a house where some horrible murder has taken place but he can't do it unless he catches the perp first, thereby reassuring potential buyers they too will not be butchered in their beds. Possible catchy titles could be "Address Murder" or "Close to Schools and Buses".

[carneagles]

"Location: Location Special Victims Unit"

[P. Drano]

I think it's pronounced "numb three-ers", because they're anaesthetized triplets. That, you will find, is the whole key, to be explained in the final episode.

[Tony.T]

When it comes to buying real estate we are all victims.

Selling, though - it's all good! You give me 700 grand and you can have my house.