After Grog Blog

RIP HOOKSEY

5 x 4 = Immortality:

Victorian cricket coach and former Australian Test player David Hookes has died in a Melbourne hospital after being attacked outside a St Kilda hotel last night.

Bouncer charged

This morning Zdravco Micevic from St Albans, a security guard at the Beaconsfield Hotel, was charged with one count of assault.

Micevic was released on bail and will reappear in court in April.

As a part of his bail conditions, Micevic is not allowed to continue his work as a crowd controller and must not attend any licensed premises.

Lets hope the bouncer now must attend a "walled" premisis. And is introduced to a giant, scarred and tattooed cell-mate named Buck. Who prefers Buckina.

UP BOBS GUCCIONE

Ha Ha Ha. Haaaaa. Sigh.

FIRST CHOICE NOT LAST RESORT

The reason students miss out on first place selection for their first choice tertiary course is because they didn't do as well other students. Who did better....

Nearly 22,000 students, 37.3 per cent, have missed out on a first-round university offer in Victoria this year, with those seeking a place in nursing or teaching among the biggest losers.

State figures released yesterday showed that 58,771 people applied for an undergraduate HECS-based place, but only 36,842 received an offer.

Lets face it - contrary to the hysteria - missing out on a first-round offer is not the end of the world. You get first-class marks, you get a first-round offer. You get second-class marks, you get a second-round offer. You get third-class marks, you get a third-round offer.

And you get me. Ha!

As a TAFE engineering teacher, I see many students who've missed first and second-round offers to get into engineering at university. These students are generally from the third round - and lower.

In reality - for engineering, at least - there are bugger all deserving students who miss out after the third round.

Added to that is the fact that every good student I've ever had at TAFE that's wanted to go on to uni, has subsequently been able to do so.

Although you wouldn't conclude that from Victorian Education Minister Lynne "Give-Up" Kosky....

"We're doing really well in our secondary system ... but if they have a closed door once they try to get a university place, the message ... is that it's not worth spending those years at school in order to have their hopes dashed," Ms Kosky said.

That's tantamount to a lie. She knows it's only the first round, but she'd rather play political games with Canberra than encourage students with a poor mark that their options are still wide open.

Just by the by, I don't know how she can claim the secondary system is doing well. Judging by the abilities of some secondary graduates that I've had, they don't deserve to be at TAFE, let alone studying for a degree at uni. I never thought I'd ever come across a secondary school student who can't actually write. The fact that EVERYONE passes is NOT a sign of a healthy school system.

As a Labor MP she's likely a fan of mediocrity before excellence. Drag down the top rank to make the bottom rank look good. Should she decide we need a situation where EVERYONE deserves to study the course of their choice, she could build a University of Dumbarse. Or Special U. Just don't ask me to pay for it.

MINNOW NOT MACRO

Sports journalists take note - Zimbabwe is NOT India.

Sunday:

With 10 overs, one wicket and not a solitary no-ball against Zimbabwe, Lee stopped causing headaches for his captain and went some way towards inflicting a migraine on the national selectors charged with picking a team for today's day-night game in Brisbane against India.

Two weeks after he was pictured lost in the middle of the SCG, head in his hands and at a loss to explain his no-ball problem, Lee cut a more confident figure at Bellerive Oval, snaring 1-29.

Monday:

Only Jason Gillespie (0-40 from 10 overs) was immune to punishment from [Laxman, Dravid and Tendulkar] who were particularly ruthless facing Brett Lee.

When exactly is Lee going to decide where to pitch the ball, and KEEP it there?

HOOKES SLUNG

Parked outside a St Kilda pub on Saturday night I was asked if I wanted to go in for a drink. My reply? "No thanks. It's a soul-less c*^% of a place full of bogans from Broady and St Albans." Pronounced Snorb'ns.

I was talking about the Beaconsfield Hotel:

Victorian cricket coach and former Test player David Hookes is in a coma after being bashed outside a Melbourne pub.

Hookes "technically died" and was revived by ambulance paramedics after the assault outside the Beaconsfield Hotel in St Kilda at 11.45pm (AEDT) on Sunday. He has serious head injuries.

The bouncer - from St Albans - has been taken into custody.

All the best, Hooksey.

UPDATE: Just playing Devil's Advocate here.

First, Hookes has a known talent for shooting his mouth off. Second, combine that with a reading between the lines of today's radio interviews, and it would appear Hookes gave the bouncer a mouthful before he was bashed.

Never the less, how do these "security officers" get a gig if they can't take some lip? Hope they throw the book at him. Hard.

BY GULLY!

Lowlight - Martyn joins the ranks of butterfingered Aussie gully fieldsmen?

Highlight - Congregation of Crocodile Men with baby dolls and blow-up crocodiles.

BLUE KIDS OFF THE BLOCK

Sounds like spin 'n' bullshit to me....

BLOCK contestant Dani Bacha comforts wife Monique after he announced they would leave the hit TV show because of his drug conviction.

In a tearful interview, the couple said they were leaving to save their families further embarrassment.

Their decision came after it was revealed Bacha was cleared of manufacturing amphetamines in 2002, but was found guilty of being an accessory before the fact. He spent six months in custody.

"It's difficult because we don't want to leave -- we were rapt to get on the show -- but our families come first and I'll do anything to protect them," Monique, 26, said.

Bacha, who turned 30 yesterday, added: "It's not fair on all the other couples in The Block. It's not fair on our families."

Dunno why it's unfair on the other couples. And what do their families need protection from. Happy to have milked some bonus publicity, I wonder how much Nine paid them to quit.

UPDATE: Looks like Nine are set to milk it further with some tacky cross promotion puff-piece tomorrow on A Current Affair.

MACHINEGUN KILLY

Jesus. Aitch. Drive-by. It's getting to be like professional sport.

Not content with our burgeoning reputation as Gangland City, Aust, we've decided to import "players" from Bluemurderville....

TWO gunmen wanted for murder are believed to be on the run in Melbourne armed with machineguns.

The fugitives are believed to have been part of Sydney's recent bloody gangland war.

DELTA YAWN

As if the Australian Open wasn't boring enough to begin with, it's now been dulled down even further with the "news" Delts is Fulla Pizzas....

MARK Philippoussis and pop superstar Delta Goodrem are stepping out. Philippoussis took Delta Goodrem to lunch yesterday and sources say they have become inseparable during the Adidas International in Sydney.

Wonder if he likes her music.

BEEN THERE - DUMB THAT

There's a story in the Herald Sun today reminds me of a footy story of my own from 1988....

ALMOST 300 Victorian footballers have answered a cry for help from a West Australian goldfields team.

Kambalda Eagles haven't won a premiership in almost 20 years, but they could be in with a chance this year, thanks to a huge transfer of Victorian blood.

Back in '88 I was playing for Mines Rovers in the Goldfields Football League and one week we were playing Kambalda at home in Boulder. That's about a half-hour's drive from Kambalda.

That day I lined up at full-forward and had set myself for a particularly tough game. This was because I knew the Kambalda full-back was a fine player - a "fiesty" competitor, if you know what I mean - and I wasn't going to get any "soft" kicks.

To add to the occasion, he was the representative full-back and as I was the representative full-forward, I'd struck up a friendship with him at the league training sessions. Purely out of personal pride I wasn't about to let him get the better of me.

However, I was surprised to find he wasn't playing.

Now, despite the obvious rivalries, the GFL is a fairly civil affair so as we lined up I asked the stand-in full-back the obvious....

Me - inquiringly - "Where's so-an-so?"

Him - puzzled - "Dunno, he didn't front."

Me - flippantly - "Might of had a car accident on the way to the game."

Him - dismissively - "Naaa."

The game subsequently got underway and I thought no more of the exchange.

Over a few beers after the game I asked another of the Kambalda rep players what had happened to so-an-so. Before he could answer one of the Kambalda officials came up and told us that so-and-so HAD indeed had a car accident. What's more, he'd rolled his car and been killed on the way to the game.

Needless to say, I've never asked anything like that again. Even when I think of it now I frantically look for a piece of wood to touch.

WALKER - EXCESS RANGER

No sign yet of the obligatory "World's Best Practice" - that won't be long in coming. In the meantime, Melbourne spin-king Big Ron Walker, does the hard yards and talks up the Commonwealth Games....

"This is a terribly important national event. We have to be in it together."

How's this for WBP profiteering? I live across the road from the MCG and I'll rent my house out for $4000 a week for the duration of the games. $2000 a week for the lead up. I'm open to negotiation.

As for changing the clocks. I agree with Wilde Beestie, Melbourne Universal Telly Time is the answer. But given Melbourne's standing as the Sporting Capital of the World, let's expand it to ALL the time.

UPDATE: Time out, Ron....

THERE was no way Western Australia would wind its clocks forward three hours during the 2006 Commonwealth Games, Premier Geoff Gallop said today.

I'm with Gallop.

Further light reading....

Poor old standard time has been lumped with a backward image, while daylight saving is deemed sexy, progressive and competitive. As a young Brisbane man once told me "Even if I didn't want daylight saving, I'd never admit to it".

I'm forward enough to admit I'm backward and don't like Daylight Savings.

NOW YOU SEE IT, TAO YOU DON'T

180 million dollars of other people's money seems a lot to pay for personal enlightenment. Oh well - shrugs shoulders - doesn't matter, buy Tao, pay later....

A TRADER at the centre of the $180 million scandal engulfing the National Australia Bank believes the disaster could be the best outcome for all involved.

David Bullen, 31, told the Herald Sun he would now dedicate his life to Buddha to enlighten others.

"I'm more interested in enlightenment and things like that than trading, to be honest," he said. "I will spend more time doing that."

Mr Bullen said he had wanted to dedicate his life to Buddha and the Chinese philosophy called Taoism for several years.

"I guess from being a currency trader I knew it wasn't a long-term thing," he said.

"The long-term thing was enlightenment and helping people realise that.

"That's been my long-term thing, and this occurring is probably going to bring that timeline a little bit shorter," Mr Bullen said.

So much for those distasteful earth-bound notions of "diligence" and "responsibility".

Bullen seems so blasé, that it makes me wonder whether these sorts of deals occur all the time, and that the biggest mistake here is that someone found out.

And that we would have heard nothing should the bank have actually MADE $180 million.

TACKWELL'S BLACKLIST

Couldn't resist....this list....errr....ovarian cyst....

Lara Flynn Boyle: A beautiful face....but no taste....what a waste!

Courtney Love: "Rock Pack" is the undisputed queen of tack.

Melanie Griffith: Melanie defines "fatal fashion folly" - A botox'd cockatoo in a painting by Dali!

Missy Elliot: Missy's experiencing a bling-bling takeover - time to lower the wattage and get a makeover!

Celine Dion: Half-sequined scarecrow, half-gaudy acrobat - Is it Abe Lincoln in drag? And I'll leave it at that!

Jessica Simpson: Forget putting her stylist on suspension - just clean out that closet, and hire a magician!

Diane Keaton: In prudish fashion pitfalls that bury her beauty, it could be Queen Victoria on jury duty! Dowdy, dumpy and frumpy!

Shania Twain: In buckled bombs and country-fried kitsch, has Calamity Twain popped a stitch!

Madonna and Britney Spears: So many tacky trends, so little time - please, will someone arrest The Kissin Cousins of Couture Crime!

Paris Hilton: Grab the blinders here comes Paris. From cyber disgrace to red carpet chills - she's the vapid Venus of Beverly Hills!

Not pissed.

TRI YOUR HAND

From the Washington Post's Style Invitational.

Take a word and alter it in three ways -- by adding a letter, changing a letter, and deleting a letter -- and supplying definitions for the resulting three words.

*****************************************
Sphincter

Sphinxcter: A figure in Egyptian mythology having the buttocks of a lion and the head of a man.

Spincter: An unmarried, anal-retentive woman.

Sphinctee: Someone who's always getting dumped on.

*****************************************
Snowboarding

Snowbearding: Adopting extreme sports as a way of seeming less gay.

Snowbarding: Schussing e'er onward t'ward the hillock's scree / Whether mine neck to break, it is to be or not to be.

Snowbogarding: Using up the snow so no one else can ski.

*****************************************
Colonialism

Colonicalism: A purge of the old regime.

Clonialism: Government by genetically engineered pod people (bureaucrats).

Cojonialism: Government by reckless displays of machismo.

*****************************************
Mohel

Maohel: A famous Chinese circumciser, discredited for his disastrous Great Lop Forward.

Ohel: What you don't want to hear the rabbi say during the procedure.

Aohel: An Internet provider notorious for its painful service cutoffs.

*****************************************
AOL Time Warner

Ol' Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2000.

AWOL Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2002.

All Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2004.

*****************************************
Sosa

So sad: The inevitable emotional state of Cubs fans.

SOS: The cry of Cubs fans, every year.

So-so: The odds that the Cubs will be above .500 next June.

*****************************************
Pornography

Ornography: Dirty birds.

Tornography: Magazines with the centerfolds ripped out.

Pornotgraphy: A movie that sounds dirty but isn't ("Hannah and Her Sisters").

*****************************************
Incognito

Incagnito: Disguised as a Peruvian.

Incognitov: Disguised as a Russian.

Incogito: Disguised as "The Thinker".

*****************************************
Charlatan

Charlatag: The "Guchi" label on a street vendor's handbags.

Charlatang: Store-brand orange juice.

Charlatin: Natalie Wood as Maria in "West Side Story".

*****************************************
Newspaper

Newsparer: An editor for The Express.

Ewspaper: The National Enquirer.

Newspamper: A low-cost diaper substitute.

*****************************************
Republican

Repubican: Bob Dole.

RepubWican: Ann Coulter.

Republickan: Bob Packwood.

*****************************************
Zaftig

Aftig: Having a pleasingly plump behind.

Zaftpig: Past the point of pleasingly plump.

Daftig: Fat AND stupid.

*****************************************
Irony

Airony: The fact that the Wizards are better now that Michael Jordan has left.

Irany:The fact that Iran is now our ally against Iraq.

I "R" NY: Slogan for Michael Bloomberg.

*****************************************
Viagra

Viagray: Combines sexual potency pill with Grecian Formula.

Vagra: Restores potency, but makes you more apt to stray.

Biagra: Restores potency, but makes you more open to "alternatives".

*****************************************
Hysterectomy

Shysterectomy: Disbarment.

Hysterectoy: One of Mattel's biggest flops, the "Post Menopausal Barbie".

Oysterectomy: How you find a pearl.

*****************************************

FREE TO THOSE THAT CAN AFFORD IT

Remember this?

FOX Footy will be provided free next season to pay-TV subscribers. The decision by Foxtel will save customers up to $100 a year and expose Australian football to millions more viewers.

Free footy! Brilliant!

Hands up any idiot who didn't think there was a catch somewhere. Foxtel are paying zillions for the footy so they're not about to start giving things away. The consensus was they'd just jack up the price elsewhere.

Well, in a letter received today it appears it's ESPN watchers who don't like Oprah, opera, jokeless comedy and WWII, that are going to be ones inconvenienced by the changes.

At the moment you pay around $8 a month for the Footy Channel. This is a lone cost, separate from all other Foxtel fees.

From February 1st, this fee will be abandoned and the Footy Channel incorporated into the basic Fox Package (Satellite Essentials) that costs $48 a month. That fee stays as it was.

There's also another package called Entertainment Plus. This is the one that has Hallmark, Ovation, Animal Planet, Women, the Comedy-less Channel and The Hitler Channel. It costs $14 a month.

Given the name, it's strange - with the exception of The Hitler Channel and the odd Ovation show - Entertainment Plus lacks any actual entertainment value. For this reason many punters don't subscribe. My brother included.

Herein lies the catch. ESPN - with all the Monster Truck Rallies, Dirt Bikes, Street Bikes, Drag Racing, Large Mouth Bass fishing, American soccer, Spanish soccer, Two Team Scottish soccer, Eddie & Jimmy & the 'uke- which was in the free Sports Plus part of Satellite Essentials, is going to be moved to Entertainment Plus.

That means if you're like my brother and can't be bothered with Entertainment Plus - but DO watch ESPN for the American Football - you'll save the $8 a month for the Footy Channel, but you'll have to sign up and pay $14 a month if you want to keep watching ESPN for the NFL, losts of motor stuff, crap soccer with American commentary (NQR) and Strangled Eddie & Jimmy the 'uke.

Personally, I like Oprah Opera, so I've already got Entertainment Plus, thus I'm going to save the $8 a month. However, if you don't you'll be up for an extra $6 a month ($8 up to $14).

Really though, it's not as if you get the Footy Channel for free. You still have to sign up for Foxtel in the first place, it's just a matter of how much you want to pay.

So, in summary, it's good for me, not so good for my brother, but primarily it's an interesting gambit to pull more subscribers. As to the latter, Leaping Larry L - as usual - has his finger on the pulse....

The implicit question is whether this move can prod uncabled Australians out of their pay TV inertia and get subscription television's hoof in the door of more homes. If it does, that's a power-shift in the industry, plus handy news for the AFL come contract re-negotiation time. If it doesn't, what roll of the dice does pay TV have left?

CC DERIDER

As I'm driving from Sydney to Melbourne today, perhaps you'd like to think about this exchange I heard on Canberra's 2CC as I drove UP to Sydney from Melbourne a couple weeks ago.

Rather than that hoary old chestnut "Who'd you invite to dinner?", it involved listeners calling in and telling hosts Greg Alexander and Michael Voss "Who they'd like to wake up next to - if you know what we mean, nudge, nudge, snicker - on Christmas Day".

To prove this wasn't just cheap off the cuff filler - and that they were indeed "professional broadcasters" - they revealed they'd done bulk research and thought up the topic the night before.......over a "few" beers.

MV: "First up is Darren. How about you Darren?"

Darren: "Martina Hingis."

MV: "Bit of alright?"

Darren: "Ooh yeah."

MV: "Next is Shane. Who do you have in mind Shane?"

Shane: "First I'd like to say the previous caller had a good one. Martina licked all the other girls."

AGB: Drole. Nice try Shane, but wrong Martina.

MV: "Haw Haw. Good one Shane."

Shane: "Thanks Vossy. Actually my vote goes to Layne Beechley."

MV: "How about you John?"

John: "I like Layne Beechley too."

MV: "Ahhh, phew, now we have a cultured lady to inject some class. Sharon, who do you vote for?"

Sharon: "Tatiana Grigorieva."

MV & GA: "Splutter. WHO?"

Sharon: "Tatiana Grigorieva."

MV & GA: "Stammer. WHY?"

Sharon: "She's hot."

MV & GA: "But.......urk."

Sharon: "Don't YOU think she's hot?"

MV & GA: "Ahhh......well......yeah.....s'pose."

Sharon: "Actually, I'm a body piercer, so I'd pierce he tongue first. You know? For obvious reasons"

MV & GA: "Gluuurk."

Sharon: "Know what I mean?"

MV & GA: "Xarble."

Sharon: "What's the matter?"

MV & GA: "Glumpf. On that note, we better take a break."

Ha Ha Ha. Ga. Faw. Snortle. Chuckle. Almost drive off road.

Out of the break......

MV: "Well, it was YOUR idea!"

GA: "Was not!"

MV: "Was so!"

GA: "Who's our next guest Vossy? 'Bout time we cleaned this up."

MV: "Layne Beechley?"

GA: "Oh no!......splutter......I mean great."

THE IMMACULATE EXCEPTION

OK, I've cooled down now. It's been a while since I screamed at the telly. Just getting in practice for The Demons. There's no need for a vile headline like Pack Gape with all it's disegraceful allusions to violence and slack-jawed onlookership. So I've changed it.

After a night's clearheaded thought I realised Brett Favre's bungled overtime pass might forever be remembered as the exception in a career otherwise peppered with highpoints.

Much like Franco Harris and his Immaculate Reception all those years ago, it will be brought up whenever Farve's brilliant career is mentioned.

And it's gonna stick out like the proverbial thumb as perfect example of how not to throw the perfect pass under pressure.

So I'll try to forget the....

Worse than Japanese reality TV. Missed tackles. Blown third-downs. Bungled fourth and goal. Crucial Eagles fourth and 25. Extra-time exploded brain. The Pack wear yellow, Farve!

And be lucky that I've witnessed a salient moment in American Football history.

Not a pack of clowns....

If there's a better commentary team anywhere in the world than Joe Buck, Troy Aikman and Chris Collinsworth, I've yet to hear it.

Commentator Update: While I'm in edit mode, I'll add two commentary teams worthy of consideration.

Martin Tyler and Andy Gray's pregame show is the perfect example of how to easily explain a game. Sadly, in their wisdom Fox have offed them in Straya

And the brilliant work of Jerry "The King" Lawler and J.R.Ross on Dubya Dubya Eeee who are just....well....brilliant.

ROHAN IN THE WIND

Rohan Connolly, first one way, then the other. Who knows, maybe that's the essence of a good journalist.

Listening to the radio I'll nod in agreement as he slams the pathetic Grand Final "entertainment" or criticises another AFL conflict of interest. Then a minute later I'll shake my head as he bags the "silver spoon" Melbourne management. Hey, bag 'em for incompetance, not privilege. Background wise, they're no different from anyone else at the top.

He'll often take a pot-shot at what he presumes is privilege, it's a theme that runs through most of his commentary. A class warrior from wayback is Rohan. Well, he does work at The Sunday Age.

Anyway, the last two Sundays have seen him at his diametric best.

Last week, with Jason McCartney as it's fulcrum, Connolly wrote an article posing a question most football watchers would have asked at one time or another - When does "heroism" becomes hyperbole?

No doubt the "McCartney as overkill" theme was the controversial lure to pull readers into the article.

I agree there was some overkill, but unfortunately before he'd finished his article, Connolly had morphed off into a rant revealing his own lefty bias.

And in doing so he left himself accused of exhibiting exactly the same misguided media-play he decrys by ridiculously insinuating Ian Chappell's refugee advocacy was somehow a more worthwhile issue than McCartney's trials....

That's why you won't see or hear much of what many would see as heroism from another former Australian cricket captain in Ian Chappell. An outstanding cricketer and one of our best captains, Chappell rose a few more notches again recently with his outspoken views on the immigration debate.

Chappell had watched the Tampa crisis unfold on television, and unlike many of his sporting brethren, felt moved enough not only to join the list of public identities protesting against the Federal Government's intransigence on refugees, and perhaps alienate a significant percentage of people who had been admirers, but to visit the Baxter detention centre and see for himself.

Several months on, last weekend on 3AW, he was still sufficiently moved to declare that the experience had left him feeling "embarrassed to be Australian". Chappell said his wife, Barbara, had reminded him that "bad things happen when good people do nothing".

He responded with a courageous stand which, like the gradual shift in consciousness that marked Australia's involvement in the Vietnam war, might just help soften this Government's apparent flint heart. Given the type of thinking in this country at the moment, it was heroism no less significant.

What, exactly, is so "courageous" about Chappell's stance? A trip to Woomera and a few platitudes uttered in a radio interview hardly constitute the equivalent of McCartney's being blown up in a nightclub and subsequently recovering to become a spokesman for the Bali victims. With or without hyperbole.

Anyway, this week Rohan does a better job with his pre-emptive strike on professional tennis before Seven's Summer of McAvaney opens the floodgates....

Like a significant number of people around my late-30s vintage, the tennis I prefer to recall is the tennis of yesteryear; the Bjorn Borg-John McEnroe Wimbledon stoushes of 1980-81, John Alexander's win over Italy's Adriano Panatta in the decisive fifth rubber of 1977 Davis Cup final at White City, even those epic Pat Cash-Mats Wilander jousts of the 1980s.

The romance of youth, perhaps. But I reckon it's got as much to do with the way an entire sport has allowed itself to be hijacked and cheapened, not just by shallow marketing forces, but the players themselves. The consequences are a modern generation of tennis stars so self-obsessed, shallow and selfish that they are often unintentional comic geniuses.

I used to love tennis and watched many a match through the course of the seventies and early eighties. However, over the last fifteen or so years I've realised - OK, I'm a bit slow on the uptake - there's one inalienable fact that Rohan misses, despite the hype, 99 times out of 100 tennis is a one-dimensional and boring spectator sport.

TALKING TELLY L

Speaking of Richie, my favourite sports writer, Leaping Larry L asks a couple of sport's more important questions and comes up with a couple of obvious answers.

First - Who'll replace The Doyen?

People keep asking the wrong questions about cricket coverage. For example, "Who will Channel Nine replace Richie Benaud with when he finally goes?"

For almost a decade, that question has come up like hay-fever, imported wasps, and barbecue-related injuries at this time of year.

For starters, it is the wrong question because he is still there these many years later, and for all we know, he may follow the Queen's example, which is apparently to abdicate about the time rigor mortis sets in.

Frankly, if Benaud can survive a summer following those Twelfth Man ads for KFC, I'm pencilling him in for the 2020 Boxing Day Test.

Second, it is the wrong question, because there is patently no one who CAN directly replace him.

If Mount Kosciuszko suddenly disappears, it is not like it can be replaced with a robust two-storey home, or some telephone books stacked on a step-ladder.

They will have someone else anchor the telecasts, they will try various combinations of 37 others trying to synthesise a semblance of the Sahara-oriented wit, the gentle authoritativeness, the sense of history and perspective, and the sheer unfailing horse-sense, and jolly good luck to 'em.

What Benaud's got, you can't buy off the rack (not referring to the infamous ice-cream-salesman suits, of course).

Finally, the question is not "When will he go?" or "Who will replace him?" so much as "How long can we keep him around?"

One of sport's more punishing truisms is you are a long time retired. When he finally does sail off into the Benaud-Tomorrow, we're going to be an awfully long time without him.

Second - Which is better, TV or Radio?

Another of the wrong questions people always ask about cricket coverage is: "Why can't the TV version be more like the radio version?"

Here is an instructive experiment which Leapster actually carried out over the entire final day of Steve Waugh's Test career. Watch the game with the TV and radio sound up, at about equal volume. After a short while, madness will set in. After that, it is possible to observe a couple of things.

Benaud may follow the Queen's example, which is apparently to abdicate about the time rigor mortis sets in.

The radio guys talk at least five times as much as the TV geezers. One possible conclusion is that if you had to put up with that while trying to watch the game, it would drive you spare, not to mention costing a small fortune each time the screen was smashed in and repaired.

If you then turn away from the TV, and switch the radio off, you will not only become a little sleepy, but may observe that silences that a fleet of trucks could be driven comfortably through at speed are not the perfect medium for disseminating information or atmosphere from a sporting event you cannot see.

At the risk of repeating oneself, until we are all teal in the face, the key difference between Nine's cricket and ABC cricket is not commercialism v purity, or populism v elitism, or even T. Greig v reality. It's radio v television, pure and simple.

Personally, I'll take TV AND radio.

SIX O'CLOCK CROCK

Should wickets fall early in any ODI you'll hear Doyen Benaud's portentious advocacy:

"No matter what, you must always bat out your fifty overs".

And it's expansive companion:

"Even if you merely occupy the crease and score NO MORE runs, you MUST bat out your fifty.

Now today Michael Jennings hits on the theme while reviewing Friday's contest at the MCG...

Australia managed to commit one of the cardinal sins of one day international cricket here. They batted first, and did not manage to play out the full 50 overs. Sides should never do this.

At first. Thankfully Michael goes on to qualify it with the rejoinder that it's better to eke out a handful more runs than to slog out and get none:

When there is danger of it happening, the scoring rate should be slowed down and wickets protected (except perhaps in the last few balls of the innings) and runs eked out. This almost inevitably leads to higher scores than getting out slogging. It just does. The risks of slogging are too high. The cost of not facing the full 50 overs is generally large

Agreed.

However, it's with Richie's refrain and the former part of Michael's assertion that I am continually puzzled.

To whit, I've never understood why it's better to get no runs compared with getting dismissed early.

Granted, you MIGHT get more runs, but given that Ritchie is on the record as saying NO MORE runs matter there is scope for the question.

Why?

I'm cynical enough to believe it's Ritchie's way of instilling into the cricket viewing public - and any potential cricketers coming through the system - the notion that it's vitally important play is tightly constrained between certain boundaries.

In our case - which is the majority of viewers* - those boundaries are start of play/telecast at 2:20 pm and innings changeover at 6:00 when National Nine News starts.

An early innings finish isn't going to impinge on the News, but it does mean there's unnecessary filler to be performed. Which wouldn't be necessary should the batsmen do the right thing by the commentators.

* With only a million viewers Nine don't care about Perth where Seven rule the News ratings.

PS: Don't get me started on the Test Match version where the commentator cheerfully announces - almost as if we're being done a favour: "Melbourne viewers now leave us for National Nine News." Grrrr.

SLEDGER LEDGER

With our cricketers generously embracing Cricket Australia's shiny new Code of Love, other's have had to pick up the slack. I added the bits in between.

A sign held up by an Australian supporter on a Wednesday night in February in London as the Socceroos went on to beat England 3-1:

IF WE WIN, YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING!

Sadly that sledge was cancelled later in the year. Now England suck at everything bar one of the rugby's. We're still best at the other - better - version.

An Aussie chant at the same game:

"Shag your women, take your jobs, doo-da, doo-da
Shag your women, take your jobs, oh da doo da day."

Pakistani cricket is well known for it's volatile nature. Waqar Younis waxes scornful on the auto-erraticism of Shoaib Akhtar:

"It's ridiculous Shoaib coming out in the papers saying he's going to do this or do that. He's been doing it for a few years now and he never lives up to it and it looks pretty ugly. He performs to his ability once a year - and then he has the nerve to compare himself with Glenn McGrath. He was saying last week that if he'd been born Australian, he'd have taken more wickets. It might have been better for Pakistan if he had been born in Australia."

In the last twelve months, Channel Seven have picked up numerous staff members from arch enema, Channel Nine. Here's one - Peter Meakin - on another - David "We don't need no finals" Leckie:

"It's always a tough act following David Leckie. So tall, so elegant, so well-spoken. He's probably the most capable television executive in Australian history yet he's got there with a vocabulary of 50 words, 49 of which start with 'f'. The other is unprintable."

Wayne Carey gives the impression of a very ordinary bloke. That'd be a cad. He does nothing to alter that impression with this to ex-mate and footy cuckhold Anthony Stevens:

"I made you who you are. Without me no one would know your f---ing name."

Posh Beckham loves shopping, diets and basketball ... not basketball:

"I am no great lover of football but even I can see that to suggest there is little difference between it and the souped-up girly netball which is a major sport in the US is both insane and insulting."

Daryn "Old Fashioned" Cresswell reems 3AW blowhard and uber-selfpromoter Rex Hunt:

"No one rated us. If you listened to the TV this morning, Rex Hunt was saying Essendon would have to go and play at Stadium Australia. That really pisses me off. No one gives us a chance. They don't rate us. Shove it up your arse, Rex."

Haka, Shmaka, Ella:

"The haka doesn't really impress me much. I grew up in a bedroom with six brothers, so I grew up seeing that kind of thing on a daily basis."

Managing to force a few words past the foot permanently wedged in his gob, David Hookes gets racist and sexist at the same time:

"Some dopey, hairy-backed sheila has dobbed him in across the other side of the world. If that's what she wants to do to earn some cash that's her decision. Let's find out the facts before we hang Warney on this one.

With our players on a sledge pledge, at least Aussie umpy Simon Taufel kept up the good work:

"Let's hope the Bangladeshis go as long as their national anthem."

Sadly the Bangers didn't share his sense of humour. He was forced to apologise.

Cop that Cobbers! Commenter "Jonny" on a Rugby World Cup website. Jonny Someone-Else, that is ... maybe:

"That's just the way these backward muppets are. Australia is just an insignificant, shit, useless country that no one gives a shit about, so the only way they can try to get back at us is by having a dig at us through sport.

Former Aussie Rugby Union international, Richard Harry - or maybe Harry Richard - on the allure of Rugby League and it's side benefits:

"It's like they say, 'Play rugby union and see the world. Play rugby league and see Wigan'."

Generic football sledge:

What's green, has wings and eats Magpies? Answer: The MCG in September!

Daniel Ginnane utters the only funny thing ever to come out of MMM:

"Tomorrow night it's Japan vs USA, and there's plenty at stake. If Japan lose, they've promised to apologise for Pearl Harbor, while if the Americans go down, they'll apologise for the movie.

Judging by his stellar Grand Final performance, whatever you might think about Jason Akermanis, at least he talks the walk and walks and ... whatever:

"It's mate against mate, state against state, and we're going against those filthy cockroaches."

Johnny Warren is notoriously sensitive to criticism of what LLLes Murray lllikes to calll, Phooodbolll:

"Peter FitzSimons epitomises it. He epitomises the whole lot, the boofhead mentality that has a go at soccer. His commentary on soccer is a joke. Highlight the shit, but never mention it, you know. The media doesn't want to admit what our game is. I can't forget FitzSimons's comment before the World Cup. 'What World Cup?' or something."

PS: Not sure where this all appeared, but I received it in an email on Friday. Thanks Strutts.

RAT IN SELL BLOCK NINE

Not that I'd ever get upset about who's on The Block - that's one for the Professional Outragists - but I'm tipping the inevitable brouhaha has the Chine spinners rubbing their hands with glee....in glee(?)....with glee as it's revealed one of their "inmates" has a history of drugs, strippers & hard-time....

A CONVICTED drug manufacturer and former stripper has been handpicked by Channel 9 to star in its big-hit 2004 series, The Block.

The Daily Telegraph can reveal the network's new reality recruit Dani Bacha, 29, spent six months in prison after being charged with drug offences.

The former Playboys Afloat owner and stripper and his wife Monique Koryzma, who works at Star City Casino, were selected from 4000 couples all vying for thousands of dollars from the sale of the Manly block.

A Nine spokeswoman said the network was "not unaware" of a contestant's criminal history and did require contestants to disclose any criminal convictions.

"Where appropriate we require network [contestants] to disclose any criminal convictions to us and if necessary we seek confirmation of the accuracy of the information they provide us.

"We're not unaware of the backgrounds of any or all of our contestants on The Block.

"We're not unaware" - I'm not un....derpants.

POOR DOPE - HE ALWAYS WANTED A POLL

Which classic movie are you......

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND

Pity the doctor didn't actually rob - nudge nudge - anything, but I'm tipping George managed to groan: "You Can't Do That"....

BEATLE George Harrison's doctor forced him to autograph a guitar as he lay in agony on his death bed, his family claimed yesterday.

Harrison, 58, reportedly declined to sign the instrument - saying he was so ill he wasn't even sure how to spell his name.

But cancer expert Gilbert Lederman allegedly grabbed the star's hand and helped him scrawl the letters, telling him: "Come on, you can do this."

Given there are loads of celebrity rip-off stories every week, why do I feel sure this one went down exactly as the Harrison clan insist?

SURGE TO MERGE

File this under "Self Indulgia".

As a fanatical Melbourne supporter, the word "merger" is taboo. At least for me, you slutchin' give-ups! As a former Narrogin Towns premiership player, I'm far more sanguine about the idea of a Towns/Railways Merger....

The Upper Great Southern Football League will go from a 10 team competition to a 8 team competition with a merger of the two Narrogin teams - Towns and Eagles [Ed: always Railways to me] to form Narrogin Football Club. Both clubs have voted on the merger and the new clubs first AGM has been held with the proposed team colours are a combination of the two clubs - maroon, blue and gold (Brisbane Lions). Their application to join the league is only just being sent out to clubs, but is expected to be a formalty.

To be perfectly frank - a novel concept at the AGB - I don't like it, but I can see why they would do it.

All over Straya, country footy has struggled. Primarily due to financial pressure, but there's also been player drain as young blokes have had to move to the big smoke for work and/or education. At least a hundred clubs in Victoria alone have either merged of folded in the last twenty years.

Since I first went to the Upper Great Southern Football League there have been three teams drop out through under-resourcing. Cuballing, Lake Grace (Mark Bairstow's home club) and now West Arthur is off to the stronger South West Football League. Not the strongest in 1987.

In recent years the struggling Towns and Railways have found it difficult to compete with the stronger clubs.

Boddington is close to Perth and has been able to pull down city players on the weekends. Williams the same, although they've always had a strong base. Pingelly had combined with Brookton from the strong Avon League. And Evil Kukerin/Dumbleyung combined and came in from the defunct Lower Great Yobbo Football League.

It will be interesting to see what happens at Wickepin and Wagin.

So, even though it's sad, it's probably inevitable. It won't make the 1986 Twenty Year Premiership Reunion much fun though. Or will it?

Update: Boynton has done the homework I was too lazy to do and come up with this relevant site. It includes reference to a supermerger of six extremely famous Victorian country towns - four of which I've never heard. Tempy, Goyra, Patchewollock, Tiega, Kiamal and Ouyen. TGP by TKO....

Several years ago, three Mallee clubs south of Ouyen combined to form Tempy-Goyra- Patchewollock. Meanwhile, Tiega, Kiamal and Ouyen combined to form Ouyen Rovers. Before the 2001 season, TPG and Ouyen Rovers merged to form Ouyen United.

Now that's a merger! But am I alone in thinking Ouyen [Oooo - Yen] United is a lame name?

Tegopatikiou [Teggo - Patty - Kee - Ooooo] incorporates the first two letters of each town and obviously hints at modern day Strayan ethnicities whilst exuding a seductive - and marketable - staccato resonance.

Locals could call it Teg and they'd have a B&S every Easter at the clubrooms. There'd be sculling races, spew jumps, bitch fights and contests to see who could spray the most authentic looking fake mud pattern on their utes. Then they'd release a sticker.

WAUGH CRIME

I've been a bit busy the last couple days so I haven't had much chance to comment on the cricket result and the end of the Waugh.

As it turns out I've rock all to say that hasn't already been said about the obvious things. In short, I'm not sure what to make of India not enforcing the follow-on. Works - and doesn't work - both ways. It was a conservative Indian declaration. Flat pitches suck. Bowling depth is an issue for every country. Sri Lanka and India will be tough - even with McGrath and Warne. It would be a marvellous effort to win one, let alone both, tours. Katich has always had a good temperament. I'm looking forward to Clarke but think Lehmann might stop gap. The fielding was abyssmal in light of fewer chances carrying more weight. Martin is starting to resemble Mark Waugh. Brett Lee needs to start moving the ball. I don't think Australia are substantially weaker, I reckon other teams are working us out. One session's Hollywood batting cost us the series. The time for captaincy change was just about right.

I will stress this, I was less than less than impressed with the way Steve Waugh got out yesterday.

Thank you. There's a western needs watching on Channel 32.

SCHADEN FREUND

There'll be tears. I hope.

YOU REALLY SHOT ME

Ray Davies almost met his Waterloo after sunset....

The Kinks front man Ray Davies was recovering today after being shot in the leg by a mugger, police said.

Update I: Great minds......and all that.

Update II: The guru.

Update III: I nearly wrote you.

ROAD SAFETY BOXES

State governments - notoriously dependant on speed camera revenue - will not be happy to hear the NSW RTA admit, "We don't need no cameras"....

THE presence of speed cameras is enough to slow down motorists, the NSW Roads and Traffic Authority said yesterday.

The Daily Telegraph revealed yesterday that speed cameras frequently lost the photos which are used to fine offenders, including 535 lost at Kogarah and 879 at Wollongong.

But the RTA claimed the frequent loss of photos was not a significant issue.

"It doesn't matter if the cameras don't work, because people think they are getting fined," an RTA spokesman said.

If it's just the presence of the boxes that matter, I suggest TEN cameras rotating through each HUNDRED boxes. I also suggest no taxes.

And I'd like to know how they know this....

"No motorist has been booked as a result of a faulty measurement of that motorist's speed by an RTA speed camera," an RTA spokesman said.

There's no way of knowing for certain.

BINGS BUNGLE BUNGLES

I think Brett Lee may have the record for the most "wickets" off no-balls. I'm pretty sure he also now has the record for most dropped catches off balls that were after no-balls that took "wickets".

Bizarre.