By tying the Gulf War to the Scuttle Scandal, was David Marr really just plugging his novel, Everyone Overboard - A Ripping Yarn?
The Truth Butcher of Bagdad
Striding self-importantly through the Hotel Meridian lobby. Dry Martini hidden behind his back. "We can feel the shudder of the bombs."
2) Never designed a war plan.
3) Never implemented a war plan.
4) Judgment suspect.
Don't forget stooge, flunky and hideous voice.
Tony sick too.
I'm giving up drinking! "Even-tu-al-eee" I feel like someone's inserted a large garden gnome in me.
Well, Patrick The Observant provided an overwhelming response of one, and his suggestion of This Song is duly noted. Personally I thought it similar to This Colourful Number but had to dismiss both as neither seemed quite right. Even though we both seemed to be thinking along the same lines. Eerie.
Another song that kept coming to mind was This One about a very different kind of day. Not Quite Right though.
Never the less, Supergrass seem to be operating in fairly august company.
The riff just kept bouncing around my empty head, and I kept asking myself, what the hell is THAT BLOODY SONG?!?
Then suddenly it hit me. Look at this....
"It is the evening of the day"
compare it with....
"I can't believe the news today"
Nope? How about the second line....
"See the daylight turned away"
compare that one with....
"I can't close my eyes and make it go away"
This give you a hint?
I look forward with trepedation to a Sunday supplement headline, Supergrass Saves The World. Just after the fashion pages and just before the recipe for Chilli Custard.
Yes. Enough! I've had enough! Hear that f**kers? I - Me - T the T. Not you. ME. Enough. I've bloody had enough.
Five months of blogging and I've discovered without a shred of doubt, Great Uncle Bulgaria, the most irritating, annoying, frustrating, galling, grating, scraping, blackboard nailing, paper cutting, icy-pole stick licking, hot drink slurping, open mouth eating experience on the face of the earth.
Waiting for my f**kin' blog to appear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I've taken a pledge to moderate the language. But fair dinkum! Foot down. High dudgeon. Placards. Megaphones. Tummy textas. Day off work. Protest movement.
There's no tangible reason why I should have to look hopefully at a blank screen in anticipation of Haloscan firing up my site!
Decision made, I'm off!
F**k you H'Scum!
Addendumb head: It just ocurred to me that no-one's ever gonna see this. Not this decade anyway. 56 K. Code for glacial!
Not much to blog about today. I'm off to the footy in a few minutes. Melbourne v Hawthorn. All things being equal Melbourne should win. Unfortunately, things aren't equal. I maintain the Hawks are a smoke n mirrors team, but the Dees can be shockingly inconsistent. Week to week. Year to year. The team that takes the early chances will win. I hope that team's the Dees.
More footy stuff HERE from tomorrow.
"No one in their right mind could dispute that Saddam has to go."
A tub thumping right-winger? Nope. A Fox News quote? Nope. Rummy? Nope. Hard core Melbourne lefty Albert Langer? Yep.
Our aim in setting it up is to initiate a serious debate about whether it is really left-wing and progressive to oppose a US initiated war against Saddam Hussein.
He's a long time lefty agitator, but it turns out Langer's pro war. There'll probably be the occasional looney left lapse, but you might want to check out his website.
Make up you're own mind.
Tony - "Hi there. Can I buy you a drink?"
Female - "Sure. Thanks."
Tony - "Here you go."
Female - "Thanks."
Small talk. Blah. Repartee. Joke. Blah. Etc. Looking promising.
Female - "What do you do for a job?"
Tony - "I'm a Teacher."
Female - "I've got to go now."
Don't blame her Somehow.
Ya left ya white stick at home!
I didn't think we here in Poohtown, Vic were going to be able to watch the WAFL games on cable. On Wednesday however, there it was! Large as life. The Claremont v Peel Thunder game sneakily peeking from out behind the giant Fox Footy Extra banner. Thankfully, they've since reduced it's size. I'd like to think my outraged phone call went rewarded. Anyway, I only got to see the first quarter because I had to got to my place of wage.
Ordinarily I wouldn't bother to watch, but following an anonymous tip-off from Gaz in Perth, I was specifically looking out for this particular clash. Why? Well, this was no ordinary game! This game had the benefit of Ozbloggia's very own Gareth Parker doing the officiating!
I'd have liked to contribute a doubtlessly valuable criticique regarding his performance, but in keeping with that long held sporting
clich� tenet; "You don't notice the best umpiring." I didn't notice the umpiring. Apart from that rather fetching grey/blue affair they strode the park in, of course. "Thimply Ducky".
Therefore, based solely on the one quarter I saw before I went to the place that gives me your tax dollars. Hee. Hee. Rub hands Fagin-like. Well umpired Gareth.
I've only one pointed but never the less, strikingly pertinent observation....
He's tall, isn't he?!?
PS: What's with this Bandwidth Exceeded business? You understand, Gareth, I ask this purely as a non-affiliated, yet strangely curious onlooker.
I find Crikey to be, shall we say, an enigmatic organ. Here's an abridged item from yesterday's brown paper-bag edition...
1. THE BAGHDAD MARKET BOMBSHELL
Last night's bombing of a Baghdad market by the Coalition, killing more than a dozen civilians, is another setback in the war, and could be a turning point in media coverage.
Yesterday, the international media turned critical in their questioning of the Coalition. The overnight Centcom briefing was punctuated by strong questioning about the success of the war and the accuracy of information they're being given.
Journalists wanted to know:
*Why the US was still using depleted uranium-tipped ordinance, given its detrimental health effects;
*Whether the US could confirm it had killed the civilians in the marketplace shelling;
*Whether by not entering Basra, the Coalition was putting the lives of soldiers before the civilians there involved in the uprising against Saddam;
*Whether Centcom would show a missile that did not hit the mark, or the briefings would merely be a forum for positive spin.
General Vincent Brooks took a solid pounding during the conference - and even some US journalists, who've so far been uncritical during the series of Centcom briefings, started asking some tricky questions.
The General played a straight bat to the criticism, responding:
*He didn't accept depleted uranium had significant negative health effects;
*It was too early to tell who was responsible for the market bombing;
*We're trying hard in Basra, but it's a confusing situation
*And Centcom will continue to provide the truth in its briefings (read: good news stories).
Ignoring the market place missile now the allies have denied responsibility, my impression is that the piece has pejorative stamped all over it. Mayne's now at the ABC and his style here reeks of Aunty's injection of hot words...
Setback. Turning point. Strong questioning. Spin. Solid pounding. Tricky questions.
I didn't get that at all!
I've watched the last two night's briefings and never once got the impression Brooks was in any way discomforted by a particular line of questioning. None of the questions were "Tricky". Only two could be said to contain pointed issues. Both were on Depleted Uranium. Those might even be dismissed along usual suspect lines as one came from a CES Monkey and the other from a Comedian. All the rest were about expected issues. Casualties. Water. Basra. Market place. Northern front. Tanks. Etc. Nothing outside the square. Subsequently they all were, as Mayne writes; "Played with a straight bat."
Seems that once again the questions are the issue, rather than the answers. And these questions weren't even particularly special. Mayne seems to want to inject a touch of "Did you ever beat your wife?" into an equasion where none existed.
Like I wrote, I didn't get any of that. The answers were directly and fulsomely tendered. The only three he dismissed were one about casualty numbers, one that might have strayed into the realm of operational issues and the second about DU which he dismissed with a brusque "I've already answered that." Not surprising with so many reporters to satisfy.
All in all, two very impressive performances from Brooks.
Now. If only I could work out WHERE I told you.
Last year during the Bluebagger's troubles with the AFL I wrote "A certain Carlton footballer and local political identity may be about get swept up in the salary cap shenanigans."
As a professional journalist and sympathetic Collingwood fan, Slatts was immediately on the case....
Sent: Friday, December 13, 2002 6:52 PM Subject: You serious?
You fair dinkum about Harry Maddern? Say it's so.
IT IS SO!
However, it's taken a bit longer than I expected, a fact that Slatts reminded me of recently, but today in the Hun....
The company used to hide the payments, Amigo Constructions Pty Ltd, also had Sports Minister Justin Madden as a director. Amigo was wound up voluntarily last September.
Now Harry's "particularly surprised", "most distressed", "concerned" and "not particularly excited" to learn that "he might have received some profits". Might? Echoes of Carmen. "It is my understanding I never received any payments" My understanding? Time for a new accountant?
Also in the frame is the man who single-handedly redefined the term Conflict Of Interest. Telstra No-Dome supremo, Ian Collins became the Carlton President based on the previous regime's corrupt practices. Now it turns out he's corrupt too!
Essendon President David Shaw resigned from the AFL commission because he was associated with that club's salary cap trouble. If it's good enough for Evans, who was indirectly involved, then Collins, who was directly involved, MUST resign from the Carlton board.
I wonder if Collins will mount the Elliot Defence from the Footy Show; "I knew something was going on, I just made it my business NOT to find out."
Nope. He's dirty. His position's untenable. Time to go, Collo!
UPDATE: Here it is!
Just because the ABC showed Dad's Army for a couple of centuries, doesn't mean their newsreaders have to parrot Frazer, because, "We're NOT all Doomed!"
Tex Is Right! ....
Lateline host Tony Jones has spent tonights entire show practically begging his guests to tell tales of upcoming Iraqi military triumphs. And BBC World is unbelievable, fortelling the next coalition disaster with every piece of good news: "yes, they've secured Um Qasar, but a vicious fight awaits them at Basra" etc, etc.
The guests are more than happy to contribute to Mony's litany of exaggerations....
1) Dangerously extended supply lines.
2) Ominous threat of ambush.
3) Invitingly open flanks.
4) Vicious street fighting.
5) Violent sand storms.
6) Impending counter attack.
But. How does it all stack up against history?
Russia 1812? No swords and muskets! Not for the allies anyway. No Typhoid! No hunger! No thirst! No snow! No Cossacks!
Russia 1942? No second rate Romanian division. No Siberian Division! No hardware advantage! Fer christ's sake! No bloody air cover! No American support.
Korea 1952? The Chinese ain't coming to the rescue. The Russians ain't giving Iraq any tanks. Any APC's. Any planes. Any double barrelled sling shots.
Veet-naaam 1968? Ditto! Add pyjamas.
Today there are dire warnings of 21 tanks withdrawing from Basra. Reporter - "This could indicate a counter attack." More like this could indicate target practice. 21 tanks?!? "Oooooohhhh, shudder! Bite nails! S**t pants!" In the desert. No air cover. Wide open. Bring 'em on Sammy! No more tanks.
The fact is there's no threat whatsoever of a significant counter attack!
The allies are almost at Bagdad! Taken them a week! A week! Let me repeat. A week! They've still got one hand behind their back. Contrary to long held military dogma, they're trying NOT to hurt people! That's NOT.
No one is supplying Iraq. Where are they gonna get new bullets from? It's a pissant, corrupt, murderous, isolated and therefore doomed regime that has already begun putting guns to the heads of unwilling citizens.
C'mon Uncle ABE, Aunty Beeb. Forget Frazer. Remember Jones! "We're gonna stick it up 'em!"
You know the feeling. You hear an album played a couple times and think, "Yeah, not bad." Later you hear it again and suddenly it's snuck up on you; "Wow! How good's this!" I'm snuck up on! Life On Other Planets from Supergrass is doing high rotation in my romper room CD player.
PS: The tune and lyrics of track 6, Evening Of The Day are eerily familiar. If anyone can help me out here, please hurry! It's driving me nuts!
I'm a Some Of A Gun!
While reading Aaron's Rantblog it occurred to me that although I've never owned a gun I've never actually thought of buying one. I've never wanted one. In fact, one banged up road sign aside, I've never fired one. I've virtually never seen one. The chances are that living where I live, I never will.
The ardour with which those hombres talk about Glump 9mm's, Glork double aught Mini Magnums and the Glick splack action self bounce reloaders has made me realise what I'm missing out on. The thrill of a firearm purchase. I live here. I can't get guns here. I wanna buy one. Now I can! Sort of. Thanks to the Flint Blimp's Eating For Columbine acceptance speech, Aaron's thought up an idea that'll give me the chance to experience the thrill of buying a gun.
I won't see it. I won't own it. I won't get to shoot any unsuspecting tin can. I won't have to hand it in to the government. But. I will own it. A bit of it. So, I'm off to throw in a few shekels so Aaron can ask for the bonus leather upholstered trigger guard. MY trigger guard! I might even join the NRA.
Join me Aussies. Think of the kudos attached. In future you'll be able to loudly and proudly proclaim; "I supplied arms to our Allies during Crack At Iraq II."
Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 1
You'd think Honssee Cronyeah's 99 bank accounts would've peaked the ICC's interest. You'd think:
....news emerged on the day that Malcolm Gray, the International Cricket Council president, admitted that his body had all but given up hope of catching the game's cheats.
Uh Uh. I wouldn't sweep it under the covers just yet, Malcolm. It ain't gonna go away:
....DPP to continue its investigations into Cronje's complicated finances suggests that the full extent of match-fixing in cricket may yet emerge.
Getting a whiff of scandal here. Does anyone else reckon the ICC know's who's involved?
Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 2
Why can't I find anything about this in the papers? It's noteworthy.
Harby bowls. Hits Gilchrist on thigh. Ball pops to slip. Bounces in front of Ganguly. Ganguly gathers. Ganguly appeals. Not out.
Now. Gilchrist clearly didn't hit it. Ganguly clearly didn't catch it. If Morgan Freeman had thought Gilly hit it he would have referred it to the Third Umpire. Rudi.K would certainly have given it not out.
However, what if there was no third umpire? What if we were back in the days before Michael Vaughan and the crease limpets? The days when batsmen asked the fieldsman if they'd caught it.
1) Would Ganguly have said he caught it? I'm thinking, yes.
2) If Ganguly's appeal was in earnest, he's a massive cheat. He knew Gilly didn't hit it. He knew it bounced.
3) Did Ganguly assume the Third Umpire would dismiss it if it was referred? In other words, was it a clever sledge? If it was, it worked. Gilly responded with a crack about the replay then proceded to go the tonk and get out soon after. (After scooping a chance the ball before. Silly batting.)
4) Does this little episode vindicate the Third Umpire's judging of low catches? Benefit of the doubt and all that. Surely instances like that prove the worth of assessment via the replay. So, let's have no more talk of the "Good Ole Days".
Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 3
Realisitically, once Sach'n Bash was out the Indians should have had no hope. This wasn't the case though:
1) If the game was washed out before 25 overs then there would have been a complete rematch the next day. Australia's 359 would have amounted to nothing. This is completely unacceptable! Can you imagine the rumpus that would ensue if the game was abandoned after 24 overs and the next day Australia lost after being rolled for 250. In the future, play on reserve days MUST continue from where the game left off at the rain delay.
2) If the Indians had gotten to 25 overs, all they needed was to be 1 for 130. That's marginally more than five an over and seems manifestly inadequate considering Australia mounted a massive total at more than seven an over. I'm generally in favour of the Duckyloo system, but in light of last night, some tweaking of the formula is necessary.
First orf, The Australian Librarians. I would have linked to them earlier, but the truth is, I'm a lazy swine. This blog's chock full of protein, fibre, healthy opinion and lashings of Vitamin Blog. The effects last for hours and hours. Oddly, I never saw anything about books.
The other is The Observation Deck. Now, this is one Rolls Royce of a blawg. It's got slabs and slices of everything. Opinions, theories, stories and pictures. Loads of pictures. Weapons of Mass Architecture. Very Big Rocks. Bouncy Rats. Phil & Margo.
And, like all World Class Australians they've got their sights firmly anchored on some of our peskiest vermin. Aunty Abe, the Chickenshields, Shezza Kernot and the Walking & Waving Mob. A little tip though. Television's a terrific Substitute for Drugs. Just plonk the younguns in front of the One-Eyed Babysitting Box. Shut's 'em up in a flash. If that fails, some whisky in the strained apple ought do the trick. Ummm, I'm hungry.
Juxtaposed against all that is a page dedicated to Cock-Rock strutter David Coverdale, lead singer of the Deep Purple Seconds. I'm tipping Kathleen's the big fan here.
That's it. Off you go. I'm putting on Space Truckin'. The Made In Japan version, of course. No Coverdale there.
Are doctors noted for their sense of humour? Maybe. This Noted American Thinker used to visit a wisequacker....
RD - "Doc. Doc. Doc. Help me. I'm sick. Look. My tongue. It's yellow. YELLOW! What should I DO?!?"
Doc - "Don't wear brown ties."
Well, if my recent check-up is anything to go by, so's mine. First the formalities....
Doc - "Breathe in. Breathe out."
TT - "Cough."
Doc - "Good."
TT - "Good."
Doc - "Do you drink?"
TT - "Heavily."
Doc - "Good."
TT - "Good?"
Doc - "Kidding. Well, you seem fine."
TT - "Seem?"
Doc - "Well, there is one thing."
TT - "Gulp. What's that?"
Doc - "Can you help me move some furniture?"
TT - "Can I get a second opinion?"
Doc - "You can have a Chuppa Chup."
Tee Bloody Hee. Doctor Wacky at your service.
Generally, movies, like TV shows, work best with a strong cast and not just big name leads. Star Vehicles are the bane of modern cinema and one of the reasons I now wait to see the DVD at someone else's place. Or maybe as Bill Collins, oops, Bill Collins once said; "You need to stay in practice to go to the pictures", I'm out of practice.
Anyway, Hot Buttered James links to an article in praise of Supporting Actors. As far as I'm concerned it's a topic that needs further industry scrutiny if the industry's not going to disappear up it's own fundamental front orifice.
I find it insulting that someone with the mediocre talents of our Nicole can be touted as a reason to see a movie simply because she's in it with all her Star Qualities. What's starry about her? Her bank balance for one. Her face on the front of New Idea, for another. Her appearances at Gala Openings. But, her acting? Is that starry? Is there some indefinable sparkle in her eyes? Can you sense what she may be thinking or feeling? Does her acting resonate with you? For me it's no on all counts.
In a nutshell, all a star has to do is get made up and remember where the cameras are. Chuck in the odd stupid accent. Our reaction to a performance is one where you're thinking what the soundtrack wants you to think. The whole thing's almost mechanical in it's conception. For me a well constructed Star Turn has all the qualities of a well constructed bridge.
Glazed ham Tom Cruise falls into the same category, as does Aussie Russ, whose fighting, frowning and kneeling down alot shouldn't have come within a Circus Maximus of the Best Actor Oscar.
If you wanna see a couple of examples of great performances, check out these benchmarks....
Coming one day. An explanation of why I love "Performances", but think "Acting" is over-rated.
Hey?!? What?!? WHAT kids?!?
Our union rep went to a meeting where he was told to encourage the bruvvers to "Support The Call For Peace", when war gets underway. This morning Neil Mitchell had on Mary Bluett from the Australian Education Union....
Mitchell - "Have you sent your members a message to go on strike when the war starts?"
Bluett - "Errrrr, I haven't."
Mitchell - "Has someone from the your organisation?"
Bluett - "Weellllllll, there mayyyyyyyybe Something Like That from our Federal wing."
Mitchell - "So you're NOT encouraging people to Go Out On Strike?"
Bluett - "Errrr, waffle, glarf, not personally."
Day 38 Part 1 - Cricketer Chews Gum and Walks!
It's official, Adam Gilchrist's an all round good guy and the pundits are chuffed to their Moo Moos:
Alex Brown in The Age - "...display of honesty rarely seen on international cricket fields..."
Mark Waugh's Best Mate in The Australian - "...refreshing gesture from a quality player..."
Crash Craddock in The Current Bun - "...an act of goodwill in the modern game..."
Let's get Real Kids!
Surely Ricky Ponting's closer to the truth; "I think Gilly didn't see Rudi's (umpire Rudi Koertzen's) not out. He knew he got some bat on it and set off."
Gilchrist got an obvious touch and not thinking Koertzen would make such a giant blunder, walked off without looking. As my flat mate said; "Not out would have been a shocking decision!" After he'd taken a few steps he couldn't then turn round and come back. I bet he was kicking himself in the dressing room. It's connected to the shower bone. Painful that.
What the pundits would have us believe is that Gilchrist has gone through some kind of catharsis that has him embarking on a crusade to reform the image of world cricket. Or that Gilchrist has made a conscious decision to walk every time he thinks he's out. That scenario simply defies belief. Nope! It was just one of those things.
Never the less, it'd be nice if Gilchrist ushered in a new era in proffessional sportsmanship. I'm not holding my breath. Expect crease-limpets like Nasser Hussain and Steve Waugh to keep their feet super-glued to the pitch.
Footnote: Crash also wrote:
Umpire Morgan Freeman tries to encourage batsmen to walk by leaving his decision as late as possible but barely anyone accepts his offer.
BALLS! What fiction's that?!? Whenever I've heard him interviewed he's said he's trying to find a reason not to give the batsman out. I've never heard him say anything about Encouraging the Walk.
UPDATE: - "Move along. Move along. Nothing to see here."
Yep. Too hot for me to handle! I better put IT down then....
Impeccable Source has been on the case. Lawyers. Closed inquest. Suppression. Shhh!
"What a big week in football it WON'T be!"
Day 37 Part 1 - Could be a long night.
3 for 51. Two wickets to stoppers. One to a bizarre crisis of conscience from Gilchrist.
What was that I said? THE PITCH IS CRAP!
First silliness; Gilchrist hits it straight to Murali who bowls it at the stumps. Misses. Not out. Tony Greig - "WHAT A BRILLIANT piece of fielding!! Wonderful fielding!!"
WRONG!! Straight at him. Clear shot at the stumps. Time to aim. 15 metres away. Miss. POOR fielding. Shut up Tony. Where's my radio?
Day 37 Part 2 - Beep. Beep. Text to Tony - "Delicately Poised"
Half time at the cricket. Target 214. That's one more than Sarth Efrica were chasing in the 1999 Semi Final. We're home! Cough.
A couple of observations before I tuck little baby Aptiva in for the night...
1) Sanath Jayasuriya used Chamina Vaas really well.
2) The Shrees must have worked on their throwing. From memory they hit the stumps with four boundary returns.
3) This tournament could be the making of Andrew Symons.
4) Their batting's been fragile, but unlike England and New Zealand, this is the kind of pitch the Shrees like to bat on. Took a while for the commentators to wake up to that.
5) If the Aussies don't bowl their at best, they're gone.
6) I'm hoping for a Daffy Donald Duck , but I fear it'll be Sri Lanka by 4 wickets.
PS: I've a confession. I love Collo! I might even buy a Bald T-Shirt!
Just received from an impeccable source....
Story doing the rounds here, spread by a Football Personality, that a prominent talented young AFL player fathered a child to his sister, who miscarried with it and all came out when family found child's corpse in a wardrobe. Story goes that Herald Sun was onto it and family confirmed but the paper held off when family said girl would suicide if story came out. Heard anything in your parts?
In fact I DO know who it is! However, I've not had the father confirmed, but the sister of the player and the bit about the wardrobe are solid. The player in question may have once changed his mind. (Me Too)
Received an email from regular reader Jim. Jim maaaaayyyyy be distantly related to an Aussie test batsman of the last 30 years, and yet strangely, he may not.
Anyway, Jim generously asked me to remind everyone to congratulate New South Wales on winning the Pura Cup Final. That's very magnamanious of Jim. He's a Queenslander.
Jim would have read all about it in the Courier Mail.
In case anyone missed the result, it can also be found in the Sydney Telegraph. It's under one of their typically Reserved Headlines.
So, because I'm Nelson; "HA HA!"
Which Simpsonian are YOU?
Day 36 Part 1 - Gorn Pollock!
No surprise round Clogbloggia that Shorn Pollock got the sack.
From Ex-Pat O'Jennings, "His captaincy in this tournament was so dreadful that it had to be done." From Scott Crow, "Shawn Pollock has paid the price for failure." As he should. If you're both dreadful and a dismal failure it's time to hit the bricks.
There's no point tip-toeing round the issue. The guy was a dud skipper.
THEN he Blamed A Dead Guy for his shortcomings. "Since the Hansie issue there has been an effort to ensure the captain isn't given too much power." Low.
Now the replacement for Pollock is Graeme Smith. He's real tough. "The Aussies called me nasty words." Sob, sob, kick dog.
Clearly in Yarp Efrica it's not a game it's a shame!
Apparently there was a bit of a cover up. It seems the Indian cops found out what was going on but the Sarth Efrican officials decided it would be too embarrassing in the lead up to the World Cup Of Benaud. "....three sources, who said the investigation was called off a month before Cronje's death." Where's ace scandophile Bob Woodward when you need him?
And poor old Honssie. 99 bank accounts. Still couldn't crack the ton.
Speaking of shorn. Seems the Kiwi's are looking for some Scapesheep of their own. I'd suggest their tactic of revealing their tactics over twelve months ago was a tactical mistake.
"Yowzah! I'm idea thin!"
Was listening to 3AW yesterday when the compare, Clumpton Grabarse, raised the topic of Cathy Freeman becoming the Official Face of the Commonwealth Games. Following that announcement Clintarse said Mike Sheahan would be in to discuss his 2003 Top 50 Footballers. (I'll raise that HERE) Prior to Sheahan, however, he took some calls on whatever it is that
slow learners people who ring up radio stations dribble talk about. Most calls went something like this....
"G'day Clampass, I'm not a racist, but jeez, haven't we had enough of Cathy?"
"G'day Clinting, you may think me racist, but hells bells, Cathy's everywhere!"
"G'day Clampton, I'm like the other two callers. I've had enough. She can barely string two words together."
"G'day Clunt. She's only got the profile she does because she's one of them."
IDIOTS! I ask this. Who do you morons prefer as the face of the games? She competes in the premier event of the Commonwealth Games. Track n Field is THE toughest forum at ANY games. It's one of the few sports played by nearly every country in the world so it's bloody hard to win a medal. She's won Commonwealth, Olympic and World Championship gold in the 400 metres. You can't get much better than that! Not only that, but she lives right here in Melbourne. In my street in fact. About 400 metres from the MCG.
I agree she may not be ideally suited to delivering the Gettysburg address, but how many atheletes are? What she is though, is IDEALLY SUITED as the face of the games. Sick husbands, grasping husbands, goofy space age body suits and giggly speeches not withstanding.
Personally I'm picking up echoes of Idiot Head at work. Whenever he opens the newspaper and sees a picture of Freeman his face goes potato, he starts to sweat, he slurps his tea and blurts out....
"I'm not a racist, but f*** Me! Not that black c*** again!"
F*** Me Indeed! [Shake head. Sigh. Leave room.]
"What's the capital of Jennifer Lopez?"
Some time back I was between jobs and had a gig hosting Trivia nights. At a couple venues I came across Nevin. Nevin is the type usually referred to as an irritating prick. Others use sterner language. Covergirl Caz would blink her enormous eyes and doubtless refer to him as That Bold Chap.
Anyway, Nevin was forever yelling out smart arse questions in response to my questions....
Tony - "Which member of Queen won the 100 metres sausage race at the 1916 Olympics?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for the name of the butcher?"
Tony - "The moon is made from what type of cheese?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for the name of the first person to eat mooncheese?"
Tony - "Who played John Wayne's underpants in The Searchers?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for his favourite skid-mark's maiden name?"
Get my drift? Guy's a tool.
Now Nevin's Been Banned for winning too much and the Herald Sun wants us believe he's some kind of Guru.
He's NOT smart! Trivia is simple. Especially at Fame Trivia, from which Nevin's been banned. They operate in plenty of pubs, but the questions do the rounds. It's easy to get familiar with the questions. Every night has the same format. Every night has the same types of questions. You wanna win? Read up on world flags, capital cities (World & American states), TV shows and their stars (Especially 60's & 70's), music (Especially 60's & 70's), movies (Especially 60's & 70's), famous people and obviously sport. Nothing obscure, just general facts. They're all available on web sites and in plenty of atlases and almanacs. Nevin's like Tie Tweaking Cary from Sale Of The Century. He finds out the type of questions asked then goes away and reads up on the relevant topics.
I had satisfaction though. I go to Nash Trivia in Richmond. One of the first nights I was there Nevin was also there. My trivia partner Creative Jimbocile was off photographing something. Cows or sinks or low level TV personalities (Well, I might add), so I was by myself. Nevin had been attending sporadically but was being penalised 15 points a night. On this night I beat him by 19 points. As soon as the scores were read out he was over to me; "Who are you? How'd you win?" I replied; "I guess I know more than you." Exit Nevin!
Don't be fooled. Trivia is easy for anyone who wants to be a boring wanker with no life. I know. I'm a boring wanker with no life. It's Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting here whining about trivia. I should be out playing things and watching stuff.
By the way. I'm the guru! It's Indolopian for Teacher.
Flogging to you!
With another footy season almost upon us it makes sense to gather all the idiots into one hermetically sealed blog so that it's easier to keep an eye on them. Fortunately, that's what's happened. A frantic rally of pre-season e-mails between some concerned Ozbloggers, Wayne Jackson, Brendan Nelson, Michael Crichton, (Who wants the book rights) and Grenville Dietrich's personal fitness consultant has resulted in The Wicker Man, Scott Crow, performing a great public service by isolating the rest of the Ozblogospere from the worst excesses of football's most vicious and viriulent contagion, Alcoholic Expertitis. Look at this Pathetic Sufferer.
Of course Scott will be contributing. If the World Cup of Richie is anything to go by, there's some weird parallel universe Steven Hawking's wheelchair quantum thingo happening. We both have remarkably similar perspectives on the bat'n'ball game and judging by our early predictions we also have similar perspectives on the Toofy. As he's an Adelaide Cows fan, it'd be remiss of me if I didn't venture over to Foopbaw Park on June 15 to hurl abuse at him. Along with some choice hot fat footy snacks.
Also stamped on the forehead, For Indefinite Confinement is Perth
Traffic Cop! Parking Inspector! Friend of Guide Dogs! Umpire Parker; "Yes, M'lady?", shown Here warming down at half time after giving Wet Toast 63 dodgy free kicks against Melbourne.
Unfortunately due to his prolific nature, Ozblogdaddy Tim
Blah Blair has also been sadly afflicted. Although living in S'Syddey and therefore already in football isolation it was deemed important that he also be secluded from the general public. A dark cloud of suspicion hangs over HIS internment though. Seen laughing and toasting with herbal tea were advisory board members, Phillip Adams, Hugh McKay and Margo Kingston. I suspect there may have been some rare sense in their conclusions though, Tim's an Eddiewood fan.
So HERE it is folks. Go read. There are words and pages and lines and other interesting stuff.
Day 32 Part 1 - Toss You For It!"
Punter: "What the?!? Where'd the coin go?!?"
Tony: "It lawnded in thet raveeen. The one over there awn a gud length."
Guess I'll have to touch wood while I cross my four fingered clovers because there was some bad news over-night. Just when it looked like we might have secured a semi-final against a minnow, the minnow swallowed a macrow and where back where we were. Looking at a game against the crap track bullies, New Z'land, or the bent arm bullies, Shree Lunka.
Judging by the papers, I'm not the only one concerned.:
Beefy Botham immediately recognised the threat; "You don't want such big games games played on uneven wickets. Australia will take a lot of beating, but under those conditions, anything could happen." True! "TAIL 'EM UP Punter!!"
Ali Baba's Concerned. "We are determined to produce a pitch for the cricket World Cup semi-final at St George's Park that is conducive to great one-day cricket." So in true Bracksian spirit, he's called for An Inquiry. Why aren't I convinced? Never the less, he's fully aware of how embarrassing it would be to Sarth Efrican cricket if the World Cup was forever remembered for it's dodgy tracks. However, it may count for nothing if the Tide's still in on the Port Elizabeth pitch next week.
Doom and gloom aside, I have to agree with The Spanker when he writes; "The Australians appear to be relishing the challenge and appreciating the opportunity." There's no doubt the Aussies are better scrappers than most of the other teams and that's seen them in good stead so far. But, I also agree with Roebuck whan he writes; "Australia has been playing with fire." You can only tempt fate for so long. Eventually the chickens come home to pay the piper.
Why is it that while the other teams keep losing, they also keep getting lucky breaks to remain in contention? The Australians, on the other hand keep winning and therefore increasing the pressure. They must lose sooner or later. One unlucky break could mean they're out on their collective ears. Of course, it just so happens that we'll play one of the two sides best suited to beat Australia on a Pot Luck Pitch.
If Australia win this tournament they'll have well and truly earned it.
Day 32 Part 2 - Whazza matta? Hooza pretty boy then?
What's the go with Chrissie Cairns? He sledges Ponting throughout the Aussie skipper's innings, then when he cops a return serve scampers off to Morgan Freeman for a whinge. Soft!
Of course the Guardians at Fairfax are into Ponting.
We're all sooooo unworthy!