After Grog Blog

CONFLICT OF DISINTEREST

By tying the Gulf War to the Scuttle Scandal, was David Marr really just plugging his novel, Everyone Overboard - A Ripping Yarn?

SADDAM SUCK-UP

The Truth Butcher of Bagdad

Striding self-importantly through the Hotel Meridian lobby. Dry Martini hidden behind his back. "We can feel the shudder of the bombs."

1) Ignorant.

2) Never designed a war plan.

3) Never implemented a war plan.

4) Judgment suspect.

5) Panderer.

6) Dupe.

7) Tool.

Don't forget stooge, flunky and hideous voice.

Guess Who?

MORE MOO-SICK

Tony sick too.

I'm giving up drinking! "Even-tu-al-eee" I feel like someone's inserted a large garden gnome in me.

Tempestuous tummies aside, (And upside down) I Recently Asked if anyone could help me out with the lyrics to Evening Of The Day by Supergrass.

Well, Patrick The Observant provided an overwhelming response of one, and his suggestion of This Song is duly noted. Personally I thought it similar to This Colourful Number but had to dismiss both as neither seemed quite right. Even though we both seemed to be thinking along the same lines. Eerie.

Another song that kept coming to mind was This One about a very different kind of day. Not Quite Right though.

Never the less, Supergrass seem to be operating in fairly august company.

The riff just kept bouncing around my empty head, and I kept asking myself, what the hell is THAT BLOODY SONG?!?

Then suddenly it hit me. Look at this....

"It is the evening of the day"

compare it with....

"I can't believe the news today"

Nope? How about the second line....

"See the daylight turned away"

compare that one with....

"I can't close my eyes and make it go away"

This give you a hint?

I look forward with trepedation to a Sunday supplement headline, Supergrass Saves The World. Just after the fashion pages and just before the recipe for Chilli Custard.

MELBOURNE v HAWTHORN

HERE.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Yes. Enough! I've had enough! Hear that f**kers? I - Me - T the T. Not you. ME. Enough. I've bloody had enough.

Five months of blogging and I've discovered without a shred of doubt, Great Uncle Bulgaria, the most irritating, annoying, frustrating, galling, grating, scraping, blackboard nailing, paper cutting, icy-pole stick licking, hot drink slurping, open mouth eating experience on the face of the earth.

Waiting for my f**kin' blog to appear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I've taken a pledge to moderate the language. But fair dinkum! Foot down. High dudgeon. Placards. Megaphones. Tummy textas. Day off work. Protest movement.

There's no tangible reason why I should have to look hopefully at a blank screen in anticipation of Haloscan firing up my site!

Decision made, I'm off!

F**k you H'Scum!

Addendumb head: It just ocurred to me that no-one's ever gonna see this. Not this decade anyway. 56 K. Code for glacial!

FOOTY'S BACK

Not much to blog about today. I'm off to the footy in a few minutes. Melbourne v Hawthorn. All things being equal Melbourne should win. Unfortunately, things aren't equal. I maintain the Hawks are a smoke n mirrors team, but the Dees can be shockingly inconsistent. Week to week. Year to year. The team that takes the early chances will win. I hope that team's the Dees.

More footy stuff HERE from tomorrow.

LET'S ROLL

"No one in their right mind could dispute that Saddam has to go."

A tub thumping right-winger? Nope. A Fox News quote? Nope. Rummy? Nope. Hard core Melbourne lefty Albert Langer? Yep.

Our aim in setting it up is to initiate a serious debate about whether it is really left-wing and progressive to oppose a US initiated war against Saddam Hussein.

He's a long time lefty agitator, but it turns out Langer's pro war. There'll probably be the occasional looney left lapse, but you might want to check out his website.

Make up you're own mind.

IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS

Tony - "Hi there. Can I buy you a drink?"

Female - "Sure. Thanks."

Buy concoction.

Tony - "Here you go."

Female - "Thanks."

Small talk. Blah. Repartee. Joke. Blah. Etc. Looking promising.

Female - "What do you do for a job?"

Tony - "I'm a Teacher."

Female - "I've got to go now."

Don't blame her Somehow.

NAME DELETED

CAMER....NAME DELETED

Location Deleted

and

Undeleted.

WHERE'S YA GUIDE DOG?!?

Ya left ya white stick at home!

I didn't think we here in Poohtown, Vic were going to be able to watch the WAFL games on cable. On Wednesday however, there it was! Large as life. The Claremont v Peel Thunder game sneakily peeking from out behind the giant Fox Footy Extra banner. Thankfully, they've since reduced it's size. I'd like to think my outraged phone call went rewarded. Anyway, I only got to see the first quarter because I had to got to my place of wage.

Ordinarily I wouldn't bother to watch, but following an anonymous tip-off from Gaz in Perth, I was specifically looking out for this particular clash. Why? Well, this was no ordinary game! This game had the benefit of Ozbloggia's very own Gareth Parker doing the officiating!

I'd have liked to contribute a doubtlessly valuable criticique regarding his performance, but in keeping with that long held sporting clich� tenet; "You don't notice the best umpiring." I didn't notice the umpiring. Apart from that rather fetching grey/blue affair they strode the park in, of course. "Thimply Ducky".

Therefore, based solely on the one quarter I saw before I went to the place that gives me your tax dollars. Hee. Hee. Rub hands Fagin-like. Well umpired Gareth.

I've only one pointed but never the less, strikingly pertinent observation....

He's tall, isn't he?!?

PS: What's with this Bandwidth Exceeded business? You understand, Gareth, I ask this purely as a non-affiliated, yet strangely curious onlooker.

PERCEPTION"S EVERYTHING

I find Crikey to be, shall we say, an enigmatic organ. Here's an abridged item from yesterday's brown paper-bag edition...

1. THE BAGHDAD MARKET BOMBSHELL

Last night's bombing of a Baghdad market by the Coalition, killing more than a dozen civilians, is another setback in the war, and could be a turning point in media coverage.

Yesterday, the international media turned critical in their questioning of the Coalition. The overnight Centcom briefing was punctuated by strong questioning about the success of the war and the accuracy of information they're being given.

Journalists wanted to know:

*Why the US was still using depleted uranium-tipped ordinance, given its detrimental health effects;
*Whether the US could confirm it had killed the civilians in the marketplace shelling;
*Whether by not entering Basra, the Coalition was putting the lives of soldiers before the civilians there involved in the uprising against Saddam;
*Whether Centcom would show a missile that did not hit the mark, or the briefings would merely be a forum for positive spin.

General Vincent Brooks took a solid pounding during the conference - and even some US journalists, who've so far been uncritical during the series of Centcom briefings, started asking some tricky questions.

The General played a straight bat to the criticism, responding:

*He didn't accept depleted uranium had significant negative health effects;
*It was too early to tell who was responsible for the market bombing;
*We're trying hard in Basra, but it's a confusing situation
*And Centcom will continue to provide the truth in its briefings (read: good news stories).

Ignoring the market place missile now the allies have denied responsibility, my impression is that the piece has pejorative stamped all over it. Mayne's now at the ABC and his style here reeks of Aunty's injection of hot words...

Setback. Turning point. Strong questioning. Spin. Solid pounding. Tricky questions.

I didn't get that at all!

I've watched the last two night's briefings and never once got the impression Brooks was in any way discomforted by a particular line of questioning. None of the questions were "Tricky". Only two could be said to contain pointed issues. Both were on Depleted Uranium. Those might even be dismissed along usual suspect lines as one came from a CES Monkey and the other from a Comedian. All the rest were about expected issues. Casualties. Water. Basra. Market place. Northern front. Tanks. Etc. Nothing outside the square. Subsequently they all were, as Mayne writes; "Played with a straight bat."

Seems that once again the questions are the issue, rather than the answers. And these questions weren't even particularly special. Mayne seems to want to inject a touch of "Did you ever beat your wife?" into an equasion where none existed.

Like I wrote, I didn't get any of that. The answers were directly and fulsomely tendered. The only three he dismissed were one about casualty numbers, one that might have strayed into the realm of operational issues and the second about DU which he dismissed with a brusque "I've already answered that." Not surprising with so many reporters to satisfy.

All in all, two very impressive performances from Brooks.

TOLD YOU SO!

Now. If only I could work out WHERE I told you.

Last year during the Bluebagger's troubles with the AFL I wrote "A certain Carlton footballer and local political identity may be about get swept up in the salary cap shenanigans."

As a professional journalist and sympathetic Collingwood fan, Slatts was immediately on the case....

Sent: Friday, December 13, 2002 6:52 PM Subject: You serious?

Hey tony,
You fair dinkum about Harry Maddern? Say it's so.
Slatts

IT IS SO!

However, it's taken a bit longer than I expected, a fact that Slatts reminded me of recently, but today in the Hun....

The company used to hide the payments, Amigo Constructions Pty Ltd, also had Sports Minister Justin Madden as a director. Amigo was wound up voluntarily last September.

Now Harry's "particularly surprised", "most distressed", "concerned" and "not particularly excited" to learn that "he might have received some profits". Might? Echoes of Carmen. "It is my understanding I never received any payments" My understanding? Time for a new accountant?

Also in the frame is the man who single-handedly redefined the term Conflict Of Interest. Telstra No-Dome supremo, Ian Collins became the Carlton President based on the previous regime's corrupt practices. Now it turns out he's corrupt too!

Essendon President David Shaw resigned from the AFL commission because he was associated with that club's salary cap trouble. If it's good enough for Evans, who was indirectly involved, then Collins, who was directly involved, MUST resign from the Carlton board.

I wonder if Collins will mount the Elliot Defence from the Footy Show; "I knew something was going on, I just made it my business NOT to find out."

Nope. He's dirty. His position's untenable. Time to go, Collo!

UPDATE: Here it is!

GET A GRIP!

Just because the ABC showed Dad's Army for a couple of centuries, doesn't mean their newsreaders have to parrot Frazer, because, "We're NOT all Doomed!"

Tex Is Right! ....

Lateline host Tony Jones has spent tonights entire show practically begging his guests to tell tales of upcoming Iraqi military triumphs. And BBC World is unbelievable, fortelling the next coalition disaster with every piece of good news: "yes, they've secured Um Qasar, but a vicious fight awaits them at Basra" etc, etc.

The guests are more than happy to contribute to Mony's litany of exaggerations....

1) Dangerously extended supply lines.

2) Ominous threat of ambush.

3) Invitingly open flanks.

4) Vicious street fighting.

5) Violent sand storms.

6) Impending counter attack.

But. How does it all stack up against history?

Russia 1812? No swords and muskets! Not for the allies anyway. No Typhoid! No hunger! No thirst! No snow! No Cossacks!

Russia 1942? No second rate Romanian division. No Siberian Division! No hardware advantage! Fer christ's sake! No bloody air cover! No American support.

Korea 1952? The Chinese ain't coming to the rescue. The Russians ain't giving Iraq any tanks. Any APC's. Any planes. Any double barrelled sling shots.

Veet-naaam 1968? Ditto! Add pyjamas.

Today there are dire warnings of 21 tanks withdrawing from Basra. Reporter - "This could indicate a counter attack." More like this could indicate target practice. 21 tanks?!? "Oooooohhhh, shudder! Bite nails! S**t pants!" In the desert. No air cover. Wide open. Bring 'em on Sammy! No more tanks.

The fact is there's no threat whatsoever of a significant counter attack!

The allies are almost at Bagdad! Taken them a week! A week! Let me repeat. A week! They've still got one hand behind their back. Contrary to long held military dogma, they're trying NOT to hurt people! That's NOT.

No one is supplying Iraq. Where are they gonna get new bullets from? It's a pissant, corrupt, murderous, isolated and therefore doomed regime that has already begun putting guns to the heads of unwilling citizens.

C'mon Uncle ABE, Aunty Beeb. Forget Frazer. Remember Jones! "We're gonna stick it up 'em!"

GOOD MOO-SICK

Mac Meets Mott

You know the feeling. You hear an album played a couple times and think, "Yeah, not bad." Later you hear it again and suddenly it's snuck up on you; "Wow! How good's this!" I'm snuck up on! Life On Other Planets from Supergrass is doing high rotation in my romper room CD player.

As Fag Hat, no not Foghat, would say; "Go on. Do yourself a favour!"

PS: The tune and lyrics of track 6, Evening Of The Day are eerily familiar. If anyone can help me out here, please hurry! It's driving me nuts!

PACKING HEAT

I'm a Some Of A Gun!

While reading Aaron's Rantblog it occurred to me that although I've never owned a gun I've never actually thought of buying one. I've never wanted one. In fact, one banged up road sign aside, I've never fired one. I've virtually never seen one. The chances are that living where I live, I never will.

That's certainly not the case for Aaron's Three Amigos. They talk about guns with the same enthusiasm motor-heads display when talking about fuel injected steering wheels.

The ardour with which those hombres talk about Glump 9mm's, Glork double aught Mini Magnums and the Glick splack action self bounce reloaders has made me realise what I'm missing out on. The thrill of a firearm purchase. I live here. I can't get guns here. I wanna buy one. Now I can! Sort of. Thanks to the Flint Blimp's Eating For Columbine acceptance speech, Aaron's thought up an idea that'll give me the chance to experience the thrill of buying a gun.

I won't see it. I won't own it. I won't get to shoot any unsuspecting tin can. I won't have to hand it in to the government. But. I will own it. A bit of it. So, I'm off to throw in a few shekels so Aaron can ask for the bonus leather upholstered trigger guard. MY trigger guard! I might even join the NRA.

Join me Aussies. Think of the kudos attached. In future you'll be able to loudly and proudly proclaim; "I supplied arms to our Allies during Crack At Iraq II."

WORLD CUPDATE

Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 1

You'd think Honssee Cronyeah's 99 bank accounts would've peaked the ICC's interest. You'd think:

....news emerged on the day that Malcolm Gray, the International Cricket Council president, admitted that his body had all but given up hope of catching the game's cheats.

Uh Uh. I wouldn't sweep it under the covers just yet, Malcolm. It ain't gonna go away:

....DPP to continue its investigations into Cronje's complicated finances suggests that the full extent of match-fixing in cricket may yet emerge.

Getting a whiff of scandal here. Does anyone else reckon the ICC know's who's involved?

Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 2

Why can't I find anything about this in the papers? It's noteworthy.

Harby bowls. Hits Gilchrist on thigh. Ball pops to slip. Bounces in front of Ganguly. Ganguly gathers. Ganguly appeals. Not out.

Now. Gilchrist clearly didn't hit it. Ganguly clearly didn't catch it. If Morgan Freeman had thought Gilly hit it he would have referred it to the Third Umpire. Rudi.K would certainly have given it not out.

However, what if there was no third umpire? What if we were back in the days before Michael Vaughan and the crease limpets? The days when batsmen asked the fieldsman if they'd caught it.

1) Would Ganguly have said he caught it? I'm thinking, yes.

2) If Ganguly's appeal was in earnest, he's a massive cheat. He knew Gilly didn't hit it. He knew it bounced.

3) Did Ganguly assume the Third Umpire would dismiss it if it was referred? In other words, was it a clever sledge? If it was, it worked. Gilly responded with a crack about the replay then proceded to go the tonk and get out soon after. (After scooping a chance the ball before. Silly batting.)

4) Does this little episode vindicate the Third Umpire's judging of low catches? Benefit of the doubt and all that. Surely instances like that prove the worth of assessment via the replay. So, let's have no more talk of the "Good Ole Days".

Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 3

Realisitically, once Sach'n Bash was out the Indians should have had no hope. This wasn't the case though:

1) If the game was washed out before 25 overs then there would have been a complete rematch the next day. Australia's 359 would have amounted to nothing. This is completely unacceptable! Can you imagine the rumpus that would ensue if the game was abandoned after 24 overs and the next day Australia lost after being rolled for 250. In the future, play on reserve days MUST continue from where the game left off at the rain delay.

2) If the Indians had gotten to 25 overs, all they needed was to be 1 for 130. That's marginally more than five an over and seems manifestly inadequate considering Australia mounted a massive total at more than seven an over. I'm generally in favour of the Duckyloo system, but in light of last night, some tweaking of the formula is necessary.

MORE BLORGS

First orf, The Australian Librarians. I would have linked to them earlier, but the truth is, I'm a lazy swine. This blog's chock full of protein, fibre, healthy opinion and lashings of Vitamin Blog. The effects last for hours and hours. Oddly, I never saw anything about books.

The other is The Observation Deck. Now, this is one Rolls Royce of a blawg. It's got slabs and slices of everything. Opinions, theories, stories and pictures. Loads of pictures. Weapons of Mass Architecture. Very Big Rocks. Bouncy Rats. Phil & Margo.

And, like all World Class Australians they've got their sights firmly anchored on some of our peskiest vermin. Aunty Abe, the Chickenshields, Shezza Kernot and the Walking & Waving Mob. A little tip though. Television's a terrific Substitute for Drugs. Just plonk the younguns in front of the One-Eyed Babysitting Box. Shut's 'em up in a flash. If that fails, some whisky in the strained apple ought do the trick. Ummm, I'm hungry.

Juxtaposed against all that is a page dedicated to Cock-Rock strutter David Coverdale, lead singer of the Deep Purple Seconds. I'm tipping Kathleen's the big fan here.

That's it. Off you go. I'm putting on Space Truckin'. The Made In Japan version, of course. No Coverdale there.

CHUPPA CHECK UP

Are doctors noted for their sense of humour? Maybe. This Noted American Thinker used to visit a wisequacker....

RD - "Doc. Doc. Doc. Help me. I'm sick. Look. My tongue. It's yellow. YELLOW! What should I DO?!?"

Doc - "Don't wear brown ties."

Well, if my recent check-up is anything to go by, so's mine. First the formalities....

Doc - "Breathe in. Breathe out."

Tap. Kick.

Rummage. "Cough?"

TT - "Cough."

Doc - "Good."

TT - "Good."

Doc - "Do you drink?"

TT - "Heavily."

Doc - "Good."

TT - "Good?"

Doc - "Kidding. Well, you seem fine."

TT - "Seem?"

Doc - "Well, there is one thing."

TT - "Gulp. What's that?"

Doc - "Can you help me move some furniture?"

TT - "Can I get a second opinion?"

Doc - "You can have a Chuppa Chup."

Tee Bloody Hee. Doctor Wacky at your service.

SUPPORT SUPPORTING ACTORS

Generally, movies, like TV shows, work best with a strong cast and not just big name leads. Star Vehicles are the bane of modern cinema and one of the reasons I now wait to see the DVD at someone else's place. Or maybe as Bill Collins, oops, Bill Collins once said; "You need to stay in practice to go to the pictures", I'm out of practice.

Anyway, Hot Buttered James links to an article in praise of Supporting Actors. As far as I'm concerned it's a topic that needs further industry scrutiny if the industry's not going to disappear up it's own fundamental front orifice.

I find it insulting that someone with the mediocre talents of our Nicole can be touted as a reason to see a movie simply because she's in it with all her Star Qualities. What's starry about her? Her bank balance for one. Her face on the front of New Idea, for another. Her appearances at Gala Openings. But, her acting? Is that starry? Is there some indefinable sparkle in her eyes? Can you sense what she may be thinking or feeling? Does her acting resonate with you? For me it's no on all counts.

In a nutshell, all a star has to do is get made up and remember where the cameras are. Chuck in the odd stupid accent. Our reaction to a performance is one where you're thinking what the soundtrack wants you to think. The whole thing's almost mechanical in it's conception. For me a well constructed Star Turn has all the qualities of a well constructed bridge.

Glazed ham Tom Cruise falls into the same category, as does Aussie Russ, whose fighting, frowning and kneeling down alot shouldn't have come within a Circus Maximus of the Best Actor Oscar.

If you wanna see a couple of examples of great performances, check out these benchmarks....

Cloris Leachman in the closing scene of The Last Picture Show. Astounding!

Warren Oates in Badlands. "You know something? I don't like you Kit." Stunning!

Coming one day. An explanation of why I love "Performances", but think "Acting" is over-rated.

CARE FOR KIDS

Hey?!? What?!? WHAT kids?!?

Our union rep went to a meeting where he was told to encourage the bruvvers to "Support The Call For Peace", when war gets underway. This morning Neil Mitchell had on Mary Bluett from the Australian Education Union....

Mitchell - "Have you sent your members a message to go on strike when the war starts?"

Bluett - "Errrrr, I haven't."

Mitchell - "Has someone from the your organisation?"

Bluett - "Weellllllll, there mayyyyyyyybe Something Like That from our Federal wing."

Mitchell - "So you're NOT encouraging people to Go Out On Strike?"

Bluett - "Errrr, waffle, glarf, not personally."

Nudge. Nudge.