COAL SCUTTLED

Some pop song has replaced 2005's Eagle Rock in the 2009 version of Vic Labor's re-election campaign ad. You know the thing: pictures of infrastructure projects, hospitals, happy kids, nurses, teachers, fluff. Why are these blatant plugs not paid for by the ALP?

The ads aren't the only repeat of 2005/06 re-election strategy. There's deck-clearing, too.

Here's a bet: since Energy Minister Peter Batchelor... sorry, a spokesman put the kybosh on selling coal to India - in Victoria "bad" news is always handled by a spokeman - and since the government will soon be looking to redevelop the Latrobe Valley, put all your magic beans on 2011 being the date they announce a coal deal with India.

2001 - no tolls; 2002 - election; 2003 - tolls.

2005 - no desal; 2006 - election; 2007 - desal.

2009 - no coal; 2010 - election; 2011 - coal.

DECEMBERANCE DAY

In The Age today - Friday, December 11, 2009 - there is a quite prominent typo. Lest they forget:

OH, THE HUMANNEQUIN

Local warming:

Mannequins burn in Vic factory fire

Fire investigators will sift the wreckage of a mannequin factory in Melbourne looking for evidence of what caused the blaze that gutted the building.

WOODS IN THE BABES

How things change. Popular one day; pariah the next:

Tiger comments on current events

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

You gots to read the comments, if you gots about a month to spare. Almost 10,000 posted in one day. A sample:

Woodman: Man is your Christmas gonna suck.

Best of Sweden: Elin should go and bang Fat Phil Michelson.

Gus Dog 86: Don't buy Nike clubs. Tiger isn't perfect. I knew these clubs sucked. It couldn't have been my swing.

Mos Deep: TIGER!!!! YOur the MAN. Got a stable of girls you just boosted your street credit. Finally you showin the black in ya. Keep that stable full playa. You got the magic stick bro.

THE FAUST SHOW

Since you mentioned Paul Williams:

'TOX SELLS

Yeah, but which face?

Mind you, with that forehead she'd be dynamite to highballs anywhere in the penalty box.

THE SHREIK IN THE STREET

My friend Arthur loves jazz and hates pop music. To him pop songs - and rock songs, for that matter - are nothing more than advertising jingles for record companies, written and performed for the amusement of simpletons.

Speaking of simpletons, I prefer advertising jingles. My favourite ever jingle, for instance, is far, far better than 99% of all the pop songs ever written.

Hats off to Boynton.

BALANCE OF TIRADE

Chris de Kretser and Daryl Timms in Rupert's Herald Sun review Rupert's Fox AFL Draft:

Prime time TV winner

The shift to a live prime time draft telecast was a huge winner for the AFL and Fox sports.

Ratings rose ten-fold on last year's Saturday morning broadcast. The five-city metro figure was 117,748 viewers against 15,091 last year. In Melbourne it rose from 11,188 to 67,786.

It flies in the face of the tirade of criticism about the telecast on radio yesterday.

Televising the draft is anything but entertaining TV, so we can understand why they cut away after the early rounds to go to a panel discussion.

But maybe a more readable ticker as the new numbers were drawn would be advisable next year.

Flies in the face of the tirade of criticism? Can understand why they cut away after the early rounds?

On SEN on Saturday morning Liam Pickering was dismissive: "With only 10,000 viewers it didn't work last time, so we had to try something different."

Did I mention Liam was one of the hosts?

If you threw a party, then served the guests shit sandwiches, it wouldn't mean the sandwiches no longer tasted like shit just because everyone you invited turned up.

Footy fans tuned in unaware they were about to witness a balls up. All they knew prior to the event was that picks one to ten would be read out in reverse order. A stupid idea, if you ask me, since the surprises are rarely at the top and mostly around 7 - 10.

The numbers were less to do with the format and much, much more to do with the move from Saturday morning to Thursday night, the heavy pre-publicity and the continued increase in draft interest from the footy public.

The Fox coverage was also on delay behind the SEN radio coverage.

Bet on it that next year Fox will move closer to the old model:

1. Call a player's name.

2. Pickering & Sheehan talk about the player.

3. Next.

MAIN DIEU!

An "enforcer" smashes the opposition's best player; a lunatic hand-balls a goal; a striker takes a dive to win a penalty; a defender commits a "professional foul"; a batsman refuses to walk when he knows he's out; a bowler and fieldsmen appeal when they know a batsman is not out; a fielder claims a catch he knows has bounced; a full-back grabs a full-forward's jumper; a full-forward whacks a full-back in the balls; Terry Henry hand-balls against Ireland; same shit, different bucket.

THE SOFTER THEY COME

The spinners and PR flacks who plague sport have moved into music - "I been taken outta context, mon" - but seriously: the Reggae Compassionate Act?!?

Star ditched from Big Day

They said Beenie Man had signed the Reggae Compassionate Act in 2007, promising to adhere to peaceful and humanistic values, and told them his lyrics had been misunderstood because of slang, metaphors, jargon and dialect.

A CRAWFORD PRODUCTION

The Crawford Report is in so it's time for assiduous, comprehensive and considered debate on the future of Olympic Sport funding.

For:

Since the governments give loads of lolly to miners and car makers and scientists and Indonesians and universities and homemakers and battlers and authors, they should also give it to runners and throwers and peddlers and paddlers and archers and water-poloers and tae-kwan-doers and ice-faller-overers and, role-modellers, blah, blah, blah.

Against:

If you aren't good enough, quick enough, coordinated enough to play a proper sport - cricket, Aussie Rules, rugby league, Association Soccer Football, maybe rugby union and tennis - then get stuffed.

"If it hasn't got a ball, it's not a sport."

~~ Tony T.

Your thoughts?

FAKER'S DOZEN

PAVED PARADISE, PUT UP A TOYTOWN

Another blunder. This one from last night's Midnight Challenge:

Tones: "Which female Canadian singer/songwriter released albums called Ladies in the Canyon, Blue and Court & Spark?"

Caller: "Ummm. I don't know, Tony."

[A bit of back-n-forth, prompting, hints, nudge, nudge.]

Caller: "Joni Mitchell?"

Tones: "That's right."

Caller: "I've always loved her. Especially that song Little Yellow Taxi."

MOI MOI UPRISING

Tom Elliott asks for 3AW listeners to call in with their favourite sporting names:

"Without a doubt the best sporting name is Fuifui Maumau."

Have you ever heard anyone, anywhere, call Moimoi, Maumau?

I tells ya. This business where callers ring in with their favourite/best/worst/funniest, only to get them wrong, is becoming a plague. Talk-back radio has always been full of nincompoops, but what makes someone hang on the line, for anytime up to an hour, so they can share with the world something they clearly have no idea about?

CUT & DRIED

"There is no way Tiger will miss the cut. You heard it from The Bogle."

~~ Brett Ogle, SEN

Tiger is unlikely to miss the cut in the Masters. But what if he did? John Brumby would have egg on his face; especially after his monster introduction at yesterday's press conference so tightly tied him to the event. The public would be short half Tiger's appearance fee of $3,000.000. And there would be one almighty rumpus.

It's not surprising those behind the Masters, the golfing fraternity and the media are adamant Tiger will do the business. Even if a large percentage of the claims are made with breath bated and fingers crossed.

Mark Allen, SEN's golf guru, is one of the few dissenting voices. He is convinced Tiger won't win because his game is not suited to the Kingston Heath layout.

Back in promotion-land:

"There's no doubt Tiger will be in the red shirt, in the last group, on the last day."

~~ Tim, the golf reporter on SEN

We will hold him to that, and remind him that in sport there's no such thing as a sure thing.

GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

Meanwhile, back at the war, Grandpa AGB and the company barber redefine "over the top".

OVERKILL OR CURE

I suppose a simple "hello" was out of the question:

TARA BROWN: When you're the best sportsman in the world, the scrutiny is unrelenting. Even when you're just out practising your game, there are always countless camera lenses and thousands of eyes trained on Tiger Woods's every move. Mostly it's in awe - how can one man make the complicated, and often unfair, ways of golf look so simple? Tiger Woods rarely agrees to interviews. He's so famous he doesn't have to. At first he's quite serious, business-like, but when it appears there's no mistaking that trademark smile. In trying to explain golf, in 1916 the New York Tribune wrote, "Golf is in part a game, but only in part. It is also in part a religion, a fever, a vice, a mirage, a frenzy, a fear, an abscess, a joy, a thrill, a pest, a disease, an uplift, a brooding, a melancholy, a dream of yesterday and a hope for tomorrow."

TIGER WOODS: Damn. (LAUGHS)

~~ Tara Brown welcomes T-Woo to Sixty Minutes

By the way, Tiger's in Australia.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN

Tara's bombastic intro reminded me of The Kids are Alright and an interview Pete Townshend did on German TV:

Interviewer: "There is an element in the storyline, the image in the mirror, the pinball, and the sensibility in general - 'See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.' - which reflect a certain sense, the phenomenon of the youth subculture. There is narcissism; there is a kind of new sensibility; there is a strong tendency for playing; and no more putting it into aggressive forms of counter-action."

Pete: "Ummmm."

BETTER LATE THAN SOBER

Fev seems to be taking his move to Brisbane seriously, judging by this article in Brisbane's own Courier Mail:

Brendan Fevola's early run

BRENDAN Fevola has completed a week of secret personal training before his departure from Melbourne today to start the pre-season with the Brisbane Lions.

• to have himself in the best possible condition to start his new football life
• desperate to make the most of his new start with the Lions
• wanted to get something under his belt before he went up there
• very keen to get up there and hit the ground running
• fully fit from day one
• wants to let his footy do the talking for the rest of his career
• could not wait to start pre-season with the Lions tomorrow

Seems to be.

Fev's zeal to kick things off on the right foot, as championed by the Courier, is at odds with the following rumour:

Fev was due to catch a flight Sunday morning up to Brisbane however missed the flight. On the sauce with the Carlton boys Sat’dy night.

At least he got something under his belt before he went up there, and was full from day one.

SNOW LAUGHING MATTER

Foxtel is taking the piss:

Channel 500: Vancouver 2010 Preview

Tiffany Cherry & Matt Shirvington walk through our
sensational coverage of the upcoming Vancouver Olympic
Winter Games which starts February 13th 2010. The only
place to see the games in full is on FOXTEL and AUSTAR.

That's right: Channel 500. Foxtel has introduced a 24 hour advertisement for two weeks of Winter Olympics.

LETHAL LIZ

James Hopper claims that American football used to be tough. He should thank his lucky stars and stripes he never had to play sock-her against Elizabeth Lambert:

What was the ref doing?

Two deliberate trips; a punch in the back; a dangerous kick; a scything tackle; sitting on an opponent; extreme hair pulling; a smack in the face; a smack to the back of the head.

The penalty? A yellow card for arguing.

(Thanks for the football link, Brownie.)